To split up due to DH going to lapdancing club?

[chocolatte2]

DH was on a stag do at the weekend. Asked him to not go to LDC as hate everything about them. He assured me that it wouldn't be that kind of weekend. Stag not a dirty pervert kind of guy.

Admitted last night did go & got lapdance. (think about 15 blokes & 4 got dances) WTF! He then admits on further questioning to have gone once before when our 1st born was 4wks old!!! Was promoted& boss paid!! This he has kept from me for 5 years!

Now I know some will say, it's only a titty bar, chill out but we have had a terrible year. Found out before Xmas he had taken girl colleague out for a drink by herself. They had a small kiss at end of night. I found out by a text mess next day. Feel this may have developed into affair if I hadn't caught him out.

This was so out of character for my so called loving DH and father. He never flirted with girls, never remarked on girls on tv or when we were out. Actually I really loved this about him. Really never had to worry about him cheating etc.

Anyway, I was devastated, completely broken. He was so remorseful- stopped nts out etc. We had counselling which helped. We were just beginning to get back on track though I am so sad about all that happened & how the wonderful (smug) marriage we had was over & we had to start afresh.

This is why I really cannot be believe he has hurt me like this again. Up all last night crying- both of us, I really cannot see a way forward. I just feel he has no respect for me or our kids. When I think of him at that club when our baby was a newborn & I was postnatal, it makes me feel physically sick.

What I need to know is- has anyone experienced similar. I really can't see a way forward but I truly love him & he is a wonderful dad. I feel like a doormat!

Oh for gods sake Larry - do you not realise that lots of people have different opinions on things and that each opinion is right to them.

Just because you are ok with lap dancing clubs - does NOT mean that every dw in the land has to be. I know exactly what a lap dancing club is and I also know that I would divorce my dh if he went to one. That is my opinion on it and I know/would expect it to be different for some others. But it is right for me and dh is aware of this and has a choice - to be with me and stick to it, or not be with me and go to ldc etc.

And yes, I expect to stay 100% faithful to dh ! And will be - if I am not I would leave him.

And my behaviour is not infantile imo and that is all that matters. In fact your 'cant keep it in my trousers' attitute appears more infantile to me but obviously not to you.

And I dont think women leave a partner,dh etc looking for the perfect relationship with somebody else. There are areas of my marriage I am happy to be less than perfect but infidelity is not one of them. I would much rather be a single parent than with somebody who didnt respect that. But I would accept other behaviour that many women wouldnt.

Youre talking tosh.

larry...you don't have to "explain anything yet again" to me, how patronising you sound

Chil,

Way too much psychobabble. "Grooming" is one of those horrid words used to describe how adults prepare children for sexual abuse. I really do not see how it can be applied to two adults in an equal relationship. Are women children to be groomed? There are ways to make someone know a behaviour is intolerable, short of splitting up a marriage.

Anyf, fair point in that it is always the person sh*t upon who has to move on. On the other hand, who knows whether it will be so one sided over the whole marriage. Of course anyone can have a "revenge affair" too. I am not sure if I think that is a good idea but better than killing off a marriage which is viable otherwise.

You say that this is out of character, but it isn't. He has done it before. And he has betrayed your trust by taking someone else out and kissing them.

LArry - it's about the boundaries of individuals, no? Not general rules and the thoughts of others on LDClubs. The OP dislikes the clubs and asked her DH not to go. Not only did he go, but he had a private dance, even when most of the men who went did not.

You would seriously divorce your husband if he went to a lapdancing club once?

Forget all the other great things he is/does, your shared history, your life together and your CHILDREN?

You'd divorce him?

Well I wouldn't want to be with someone I couldn't trust and I also don't want to be with someone who goes to LDCs. I am not willing to accept that in a partner.

If I can trust him, I don't want him.

Yes larry a revenge affair will do a relationship the world of good. .
You seem to have a more fluid definition of what constitutes fidelity and acceptable behaviour than I do, but that only works if your partner holds the same view. I dislike the implication that it is the wronged party who is breaking up the family. It is the person who has broken their promises who has destroyed the family unit. The wronged party is just drawing a line in the sand or they will be putting up with this shit for ever more

can't trust obviously.

Larry Grylls

there's a couple of presumptions in your reply post.

Firstly, that "Some people are less picky about fidelity than others" was aimed at you. It was not. I was talking to you, not about or with regard to you. Different things.

Secondly, within my relationship with my husband, any physical or emotional involvement with anyone else male/female outside of the relationship is not allowed. We both decided that.

I can say wholeheartedly, that in 20 years of being together, 10 of them married, that whenever either of us had been approached by someone else, we have told the other. There has been no infidelity.
Not because we both know the consequences (although we do) but because we love each other deeply and would never hurt the other person.

Perhaps, that's old fashioned but that's the way it is in marriage.

Pfft,

Up to a point. But how about if your DH said he asked you not to go to a bar with your mates because it was full of guys on the pull? Would that be about personal boundaries or about rather bullying behaviour?

And the poor guy, in tears and having to write a two page letter of apology?! Talk about emasculating.

Let's reverse this and imagine your husband circumscribing what you could or could not do on a hen do? This thread would then be all about controlling and bullying men, not about personal boundaries and betrayals.

Proud - yes indeed. No hesitation whatsoever. Because it is about more than lapdancing clubs.

My dh knew when we got into a relationship how i felt about infidelity and what I included in that.

When we got married it was quite clear on what we expected from each other in this sense.

So if he went to a lapdancing club he is basically showing a disrespect for me, a disregard for our vows and a lack of love. In my opinion my unhappiness with this would makes kids lives hell and therefore a split with joint access would be better move.

In fact dh left a long term, serious (shared ownership of house etc) girlfriend before I met him for 'kissing' a colleague. It was a drunken, quick snog and she was very sorry - but dh is the same as me. She was out.

I agree with what Larry said

larry, I simply think you move in very different social circles to myself

I truly do not know any men (or any men I want to socialise with, let's put it like that) who visit ldc's

or any couples where it is OK for either of the partners to take out a member of the opposite sex for the evening and share a drunken snog with them

perhaps that is where our differences lie

""Grooming" is one of those horrid words used to describe how adults prepare children for sexual abuse."

Grooming means training someone or something.... a man can be 'groomed for high office' for example. The OP's husband is effectively training her to accept his untrustworthy behaviour through action, apology and repetition. A lot of men do this... 'no kissing other women isn't in the marriage vows, what are you complaining about?'. The proof of this is that she's here questioning whether she's being unreasonable to find his disregard for her feelings demeaning and depressing. When of course she isn't. That she has to ask means the process has started.

It isn't bullying to have a personal standard that means you don't want to share your life with someone who does something you disagree with.

And yes, I left a hen do once when a stripper arrived. I find it all a bit sad and sordid and wanted nothing to do with it, DH would have been quite right to question who I was if I had stayed and well within his right to say that he didn't want to stay with that person.

I am a stand alone person, I love my DH very much indeed but I can live without him and will not compromise on what I need from a relationship just in order to have one.

If my DH asked me not to engage in a sex act whilst on a hen night, I would consider that to be a reasonable request. It is not the same as my DH not wanting me to go to a bar because there will be men there on the pull.That would only be a problem if I allowed myself to be 'pulled'. It is about the behaviour of the person in a relationship.

The husband has written a grovelling apology because he knows he has breached the trust his wife was trying to have in him (again)

Larry - if I was invited to a hen do which included a stripper, I would talk to dh about how he felt. If he didnt want me to participate that would be fine by me. To be honest, I was at one recently and dh said he didnt mind but I felt uncomfortable and left anyway.

My dh is enough for me!! I really do not need to look at other men.

Anyf,

Maybe I move in different circles but I do at least KNOW what we are talking about concerning LDCs.

And, please show me where I used the word "acceptable" re the drunken snog. I said forgivable, not acceptable. There is a world of difference between the two words.

proudnsad I was gonna say what you said.

Having divorced over a long term 'friendship' my ex H had with my friend many years ago - I would say 'chill'. Divorcing with small children is far more horrible than accepting your Dh went to a lap dancing club on a stag night.

We all make mistakes, sometimes we tell small lies to save people from hurt. If he's a good husband and father otherwise I wouldn't make a big deal of it.

If you struggle to accept this, try tp picture your life in a few years time if you DO split up. Stepmothers and fathers your children don't like etc

And Anyf,

Happily, I don't move in circles where someone would term themselves a "fucker" in public (ironically or otherwise). Horses for courses.

I would leave my dh (if I had one) if he went to a lap dancing club. Why? Because I wouldn't want to be with a man who had so little respect for women that he thought it was okay to sexualise and objectify women and treat them as commodities to be hired out by however long it takes to have a dance. Also because of the lack of respect he also has for me by going when he knew how I felt about it. Drunkeness and peer pressure are no excuse, the latter just shows how immature someone is if they can't say no to their friends.

OP, your 'd'h has shown a complete lack of respect for you. You have to think about whether or not you can ever trust him again, you can't really have a marriage without trust.

Morloth - your statement 'I am a stand alone person, I love my DH very much indeed but I can live without him and will not compromise on what I need from a relationship just in order to have one.' is perfect.

That is exactly how I feel.

larry...if a person in a monogamous relationship repeatedly "forgives" misdemeanours that have been clearly stated as unacceptable, then the message it gives is that is is acceptable

don't you get that ?

morloth...yep

If my Dh didn't want me to go to a male stripclub, where there was the possibility of my acquiring a naked dance, on the basis that I'd already done that once and he was unhappy with that, then NO I wouldn't go.

If I was drunk and went along to stay with the other group, I think he'd be annoyed but might well understand the circumstances, BUT if I paid for a dance knowing how he felt, I'd be in trouble. I wouldn't have done it.