To split up due to DH going to lapdancing club?

[chocolatte2]

DH was on a stag do at the weekend. Asked him to not go to LDC as hate everything about them. He assured me that it wouldn't be that kind of weekend. Stag not a dirty pervert kind of guy.

Admitted last night did go & got lapdance. (think about 15 blokes & 4 got dances) WTF! He then admits on further questioning to have gone once before when our 1st born was 4wks old!!! Was promoted& boss paid!! This he has kept from me for 5 years!

Now I know some will say, it's only a titty bar, chill out but we have had a terrible year. Found out before Xmas he had taken girl colleague out for a drink by herself. They had a small kiss at end of night. I found out by a text mess next day. Feel this may have developed into affair if I hadn't caught him out.

This was so out of character for my so called loving DH and father. He never flirted with girls, never remarked on girls on tv or when we were out. Actually I really loved this about him. Really never had to worry about him cheating etc.

Anyway, I was devastated, completely broken. He was so remorseful- stopped nts out etc. We had counselling which helped. We were just beginning to get back on track though I am so sad about all that happened & how the wonderful (smug) marriage we had was over & we had to start afresh.

This is why I really cannot be believe he has hurt me like this again. Up all last night crying- both of us, I really cannot see a way forward. I just feel he has no respect for me or our kids. When I think of him at that club when our baby was a newborn & I was postnatal, it makes me feel physically sick.

What I need to know is- has anyone experienced similar. I really can't see a way forward but I truly love him & he is a wonderful dad. I feel like a doormat!

Trivial to one person is a deal breaker to the next. Other people don't get to decide what is trivial for me.

Was it really just a peck on the cheek?

I thought it was at least a kiss on the lips! You need to be truthful with yourself on this - either you are now making excuses for him on this, or you may have misread it at the time.

But no matter, my opinions still stand as I feel as I do cause he ignored your feelings re lapdancing and went anyway. That is still a deal breaker in my book.

I wouldn't wreck my childrens life because of a couple of lap dances and a drunken kiss.

Lapdancing just doesn't bother me at all tbh, a full on emotional affair would. My children think that their lives and their family are perfect as yours probably do too, op.

In 20 years time you might be mighty glad you stayed put rather than shredded the family. People are not perfect, they never will be.

OP you truly love him & he is a great Dad. You are MARRIED to him - remember the 'for better or for worse' vow? Well this falls under 'worse'.

He sounds largely like a nice guy & I think it's worth remembering he was on a stag - he didn't just go off on his own or with a mate in the weekend. He was not trying to hurt you, though he probably wasn't thinking about you at all when he decided to go along with the group.

Relationships are tough & things have to worked out. Is this really a deal breaker for you, for your family? Is part of your shock/upset because you have been disobeyed?

As distasteful as LDB's are, going to one does not make your partner a dirty pervert. Just a guy, on a stag night, going along with the crowd. The earlier occasion is distasteful - I'm not trying to defend LDB's here, but again he was taken there by his boss. DH doesn't seem to be the one going "let's go to a LDB". And he told you about that earlier incident, when he really didn't have to, knowing that you would be very upset and angry about it, but choosing to tell you anyway - perhaps because he's man enough to face the music & risk upsetting you in order to be honest & not have secrets from you. Would you rather he kept the secret? Or be real about who he is, which among many many other points, is a person who has gone along to a LDC twice.

Truth hurts, but you have a man you love, who is a great Dad and who is able to be honest with you at some risk to himself. I'd find that relationship worth working on.

Frogety,

Are people not allowed any autonomy within a marriage? If I tell my wife that I prefer her to wear a veil (extreme example) and she ignores my feelings, would I be right to divorce her?

What if OP's husband feels that there is nothing sexual for him in a LDC and he just wants to be able to go along with his mates. Can he not make that decision unilaterally? A marriage is a terribly stifling place if two adults are always asking permission of one another to do things? Where does it end? Going out by oneself with a female platonic friend? What if some felt insecure about that and decided to express their feelings about it? Would it then be a "deal breaker" were the feelings then ignored.

The snog (which now appears to be a social kiss)is more debatable. If it was a snog, that is clearly hurtful and poor behaviour. But, a one off snog, doubtless drunken? Can you really kill a marriage over that? And I am not just thinking about me being the offender. It would equally apply to my wife. I would be annoyed, I would sulk for a while and not share a bed for a week or two. But I would not even consider a divorce.

I wonder do the people who think it is OK for the OP's DH to ignore her hurt over this also think it is fine for him to continue doing what he likes regardless of how she feels about it and that she should just put up with it for the children?

I think you need to be really careful about prohibition, prohibition leads to under the radar activity and more lying.
Personally I think yabu about the club, they are clubs for gentlemen, and not all of our dh's are gentlemen if you get the irony.

The kiss however is a tight one. My suggestion would be that drinks with work collegues are perfectly ok, of course. But you need to give him the clear parameters to work in. So let him know if you ever ever hear he's got too close to anyone like that again you will take the kids and go.
Oh and then come home and cut his fucking balls off.

After you have had this little discussion, I would get back to work and get some sexy male collegues of your own. It most certainly keeps then on their toes. Then you will see how trust breeds trust.

OP YANBU - i would leave DP if i found out he went to a LDC.

I'm a bit confused!

Let me get this straight....you and your partner went to Relate because he went to a LDC 5 years ago and pecked a colleague goodnight on the cheek?!?

Absolutely kerrymumbles. In the words for Mrs Banks for Mary Poppins "although we love men individually, as a group we all agree they're rather stupid". And for some extraordinary reason marriage as a principle needs to be expained to them in very simple terms.
Perhaps they don't listen during the service. or perhaps because the vows don't actually say "she will castrate you if you fuck someone else", then it has to be repeated more clearly.

"I love him a bit too desperately"

OP, you have said it all there

therein lies your problem

if you will forgive him anything...why should he even bother respecting your boundaries ?

Larry - depends what is considered important as you begin your relationship. If you met your wife and she was wearing a veil and continued to and you expressed that as an important part of the relationship for you, then yes. IMO (and I know many will disagree) you would be right to be very upset if she simply disregarded it at will (say when drunk with night out with the girls). But critical to this is if she only did it when drunk and on night out without you as it is disregarding your feelings.

IMO this changes if she truly feels that wearing the veil is not for her and she openly tells you that she is never wearing the veil again. The equivalent would be ops husband openly telling her, whilst sober and to her face, that he is going to start occasionally taking a girl out for a drink, and visiting ldc. Again, that to me is acceptable and op then has a choice to discuss it and hope to come to agreement both are happy with, accept it or move on.

And yes, I would happily kill a marriage if my dh snogged somebody else. As I know he would if I did.

We seem to manage very well in our 'stifling' relationship! We are not constantly asking each others permission to do things - we know what each other find hurtful.

Oh gosh, Shineon, this is a tough one and I'm really sorry to hear what you've gone through.

I think it's too soon to decide whether the LDC is a deal breaker or not even in the context of what has happened previously. As other posters have said, emotions are very raw at the moment so it's hard to be able to distinguish between what has happened in this particular instance and the previous incident with kissing the other girl at Christmas.

I think you perhaps need some time out from your husband to work out how you feel about it all and whether you think there's a future. That way you can have it clear in your head what you want to say to him rather than getting caught up in remorseful promises that he'll no doubt make at this moment in time when the prospect of actually losing you is scarily real. Is there a friend closeby that he can go to stay with perhaps until the weekend or something? It might give you the chance to think about it all, decide whether you can move forward and then be able to communicate to him what your thoughts on it are and if you see a future in your marriage.

I think the crux of it is the fact that you mention that you don't know whether you are able to trust him in any event given what happened at Christmas and I think that is more critical than the LDC. Not that I'm saying that the LDC excusable; it's bad that he broke his promise to you not to go but even if he did drunkenly bow to peer pressure, there was no need to pay for a dance. However, the lack of trust seems to have been there before this incident and this has obviously excacerbated that issue.

As I say, I think you could benefit from some time out from your husband to give you both time to think and then once you've been able to discuss everything without it all being as raw and emotional you can decide what to do. Perhaps this should include more counselling as I think your relationship is only going to work if you see a way of being able to rebuild your trust in him, he understands the damage that he has caused and you can agree the boundaries/ how you can move forward together.

In all other ways but for what you have told us he may be a wonderful husband and father but I really don't know how a relationship can survive and be a healthy one if the mutual trust and respect is not there. Whatever the solution is, I don't think it is an instant one and is a decision that you have to come to in your time and after a lot of thought.

HTH Shineon.

Kerry,

Did you really really discuss LDCs with your husband before you married?

And, by the way, after you had threatened your husband with the physical consequences of his infidelity, what did he say he would do to you were you unfaithful?

I know, for some on this board, it might be hard to believe but some women are as unable to keep their tits in their tops as some men are unable to keep their cocks in their trousers.

Frogetyfrog,

Fair point. I wish the OP's hubbie were not such a pussy and would tell her openly, and when sober, that much as he loves her, he is not a child and cannot be told where to go in his own time. He may gain a little more respect that way. And, if the "snog" was a social goodnight kiss, he should also tell OP to seek counselling over her insecurity issues.

The other thing I don't get is the revolting idea of confessing to one's sins to one's partner. If you mibehave and feel guilty about it, for god's sake be a man (or woman), shut up, and live with your guilt. Don't confess, upset someone and expect some sort of absolution. That is really flinging it in someone's face.

I agree swallowed - I think the trust issue is critical here

The issue is not LDC or even the kiss with a colleague.

It is whether you want to spend the rest of your life wondering what he is up to when he goes out for a night out.

Because you cannot trust him.

You are not ending a marriage because of a LDC or a kiss, he ended it by doing these things that he knew were important to you.

At the end of the day, Chocolatte, it does not matter what the members of MN think about the morality of LDCs. The question is if you can forgive him, and how he can re-earn your trust, since he has abused your trust several times.

Larry - I dont think he would gain more repect given the ops views on the matter, but at least she could see him for the man he is if he was upfront and honest.

I agree re the 'snog' but op has yet to confirm that it was a peck on the cheek or a proper kiss . There is a difference so I will reserve my opinion on her insecurity or not.

You do appear to have a real issue with the ops husband 'being told what to do in his own time'. She is not telling him where he can go or what he should do, only that it would hurt her a lot if he chose to go to a lap dancing club or anything associated with sex. He then chose to go. It is not being treated like a child to be asked not to do something that would really hurt somebody you love. Surely you see that.

Confessing is necessary for the wronged partner. I would want to know.

Frogety,

I would definitely NOT want to know. I cannot see what possible good it would ever do. My wife is of the same opinion.

I do have the issue you mentioned. Clearly, within all relationships, there are lines to be drawn in the sand. Each couple will have their own lines but I do think there has to be some reasonableness to them. If you draw lines which are completely unreasonable given how society is today, then your partner has a right to assert him/herself and tell you that he/she does not accept them. "Hurt" is a powerful word and can be used to justify all sorts of controlling behaviour. For instance: "I find it hurtful that you still want to go for a drink with X, by yourself" even if you have been platonic friends with X since university. To me, the person making the statement has to deal with why they find something that is totally reasonable to be hurtful. It is not a reason for someone to alter their behaviour towards an old friend.

I expect to be able to have female friends, occasionally (though not often) go out by myself with them and, if it is part of a social event, or work related, visit a LDC. (It is of no relevance to my point but I must admit I have not gone for about 10 years now). Those are all non negotiable. My wife has the same autonomy. We respect one another enough not to forbid certain behaviours other than the egregiously awful ones.