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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To split up due to DH going to lapdancing club?

432 replies

chocolatte2 · 09/08/2010 10:47

DH was on a stag do at the weekend. Asked him to not go to LDC as hate everything about them. He assured me that it wouldn't be that kind of weekend. Stag not a dirty pervert kind of guy.

Admitted last night did go & got lapdance. (think about 15 blokes & 4 got dances) WTF! He then admits on further questioning to have gone once before when our 1st born was 4wks old!!! Was promoted& boss paid!! This he has kept from me for 5 years!

Now I know some will say, it's only a titty bar, chill out but we have had a terrible year. Found out before Xmas he had taken girl colleague out for a drink by herself. They had a small kiss at end of night. I found out by a text mess next day. Feel this may have developed into affair if I hadn't caught him out.

This was so out of character for my so called loving DH and father. He never flirted with girls, never remarked on girls on tv or when we were out. Actually I really loved this about him. Really never had to worry about him cheating etc.

Anyway, I was devastated, completely broken. He was so remorseful- stopped nts out etc. We had counselling which helped. We were just beginning to get back on track though I am so sad about all that happened & how the wonderful (smug) marriage we had was over & we had to start afresh.

This is why I really cannot be believe he has hurt me like this again. Up all last night crying- both of us, I really cannot see a way forward. I just feel he has no respect for me or our kids. When I think of him at that club when our baby was a newborn & I was postnatal, it makes me feel physically sick.

What I need to know is- has anyone experienced similar. I really can't see a way forward but I truly love him & he is a wonderful dad. I feel like a doormat!

OP posts:
frogetyfrog · 09/08/2010 12:28

And in summary from my ramblings - imo you are NOT bu to split with your dh for visiting the ldc when he knew you hated it.

2rebecca · 09/08/2010 12:31

The lap dancing club and dance wouldn't bother me. The kiss with colleague would. He has told you rather than you find out through someone else and it doesn't sound as though either lapclubs or kissing colleagues are a regular thing.
Only you can decide if it's worth divorcing over.
Your reaction does seem a bit ott to me though and i wonder why your self esteem is so dependant on your husband's behaviour. If you love each other then I suspect splitting up over lapdancing wouldn't occur to you. he was a drunk bloke in a group.

ChippingIn · 09/08/2010 12:33

RandyRussian - so did you pay extra to go into a room alone with one of the 'dancers'? Before you left the house did your husband tell you how upset he would be if you went to a strip joint? Have you in the past had an affair and have you had a private session in the past with a dancer and kept it a secret from your DH? NO?? Well, really not the same thing then is it!?!

frogetyfrog · 09/08/2010 12:38

2rebecca - I feel very strongly that if my dh visited a ldc I would immediately move out/leave him.

I have fairly high self esteem, am independent of dh financially etc etc. Therefore I do not believe that your question to op re her self esteem being dependant on dh behaviour is relevant to all who feel as she does. There is no automatic connection between hating your dh vising a ldc and low self esteem. I love my dh dearly, and as far as I can tell, he loves me dearly. Therefore I would hope that he would consider how i feel about ldc before going - drunk or not. If he went then all signs are that he is a thoughtless, selfish pig. The loving each other would not stop me thinking immediately of divorce if he ignored my feelings and went to the club.

Even drunk blokes in a group should consider their wives feelings when out.

Margeaux · 09/08/2010 12:38

A visit to a LDC in isolation wouldn't be a deal breaker.

But going to a LDC for private dances behind my back (and against my wishes, when our relationship was still recovering, definitely would be.

Margeaux · 09/08/2010 12:39

Gah...that , was meant to be a )

Blush

Good luck OP

Original poster
chocolatte2 · 09/08/2010 12:40

I know all this ladies. Thanks for your thoughts. Said to him if a friend had told me all this I would have advised her to leave. I am broken. Two choices, leave & embrace the life of a single mother or live in a marriage with no trust. Oh God, I love him so much

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 12:42

it annoys me greatly when stupid women tell other women that the reason they don't like their husbands going to lap dancing clubs is because they have low self esteem

my self esteem is very high, thank you very much

but this would be a deal breaker for me too (coupled with all the other dodgy stuff it appears this wanker has been up to...)

it is precisely because I value my own opinion so highly, that I would feel utterly justified in telling someone to fuck off out of my life if they showed so little respect for my feelings

Chil1234 · 09/08/2010 12:46

It's the lack of trust that becomes intolerable. Chances are if you found out about one mini-affair, there are others you don't know about. Same applies to the lap-dancing club. Tip of the iceberg. And, even if there aren't other women or other club-dates, you're automatically going to be in a panic every time he's running a little late, out with the lads or just going to work and back. You're going to think the worst and you'll never believe a word he says

You may well love the man and he may be a great father but living in a perpetual state of suspicion is no way to conduct a relationship. You've either got to kick his ass out or develop a thick skin .... because he is unlikely to change..

sorky · 09/08/2010 12:46

tbh if you say you could not trust him after the first LDC/?affair situation even after Relate, then the relationship was on borrowed time.

People do make silly mistakes (I'm not saying you should excuse any of his behaviour) but not twice, they don't.

If you cannot trust him your marriage is effectively over :(

(I don't think I could stay with my Dh if he did this :()

Chil1234 · 09/08/2010 12:49

BTW... 'love' is not a one-way street. A loving relationship is one where everyone respects each other's feelings and admires each other's qualities. One-way infatuation is not love, it simply leaves one party in the relationship open to whatever abuse the other throws at them....

Original poster
chocolatte2 · 09/08/2010 12:50

Has anyone been in a situation similar & if so what did you do?

No offence but I would definitely be posting as you all are less than a year ago. Don't take your eye off the ball. Things can change very quickly & there is no going back

OP posts:
larrygrylls · 09/08/2010 12:53

Sorry, but do the majority of posters here understand what a lapdancing club is? Or a marriage for that matter?

Firstly, in the UK at any rate, you are not allowed to touch. End of story. If you do, a large bouncer will throw you out. Secondly, dances are normally done in public, not in private, so most people just treat it as fun. I have been taken several times in the past as part of corporate entertainment. Is it tacky? Absolutely. However, does it have anything to do with fidelity or marriage? Absolutely not. And, as I always say on these threads, where do a bunch of differently aged males go to after midnight for a drink in a comfortably seated environment. The choices are really limited in most cities.

On a more serious point, I just cannot believe someone is thinking of leaving a long term partner, spouse, and parent of a child over either lapdancing or a drunken kiss. Do people really believe that two people will stay 100% faithful (including kissing) in both deeds and thoughts (lapdancing is really a "thought" crime) over maybe 50 years? Of course it is the ideal but a marriage is so much more than the adolescent fantasy. It is about children, family and friendship. I am not in any way advocating infidelity or excusing it but, surely, after the hurt, if two people are compatible and love one another, they should to get over it and move on.

This black and white attitude where perfect behaviour is expected 100% of the time is so infantile. This school of thought is basically: if I am not absolutely happy with my partners actions, I should bin him and look for a perfect romance with someone else, rather than working through problems. It reminds me of my teenage years where people would split up their 3 month relationship with lots of acrimonious tears because their bf held hands with another girl.

sorky · 09/08/2010 12:53

Have you discussed this with anyone you can trust, who knows you both?

It might help to speak to someone who can have some perspective but insight into your family as well.

A family member perhaps?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 09/08/2010 12:55

He sounds lile he's being an arse and having some kind of identify crisis. That would make me question the viability of the relationship.

To leave after one slip up would be ridiculous imo, but clearly there's more to this than one trip to a lap dancing club.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 12:58

larry...most of us were trying to not let this thread descend into the usual boring old thread about ldc's (are they right or wrong)

that old chestnut has been done to death on here...and OP is asking for advice on her own situation that does not incluse a visit to a ldc in isolation

have you read the rest of her thread at all ?

sorky · 09/08/2010 12:58

It depend Larrygrylls on what the relationship boundaries are. Some people are less picky about fidelity than others.

I personally, vowed 100% faithfulness whilst we're married. My husband requested the same of me.

They were our marriage vows & we did not take them lightly.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 09/08/2010 13:00

larry , good post.

Margeaux · 09/08/2010 13:01

I don't expect perfect behaviour 100% of the time but I do expect mutual trust and respect.

Chil1234 · 09/08/2010 13:04

"surely, after the hurt, if two people are compatible and love one another, they should to get over it and move on."

The trouble is that the hurt never goes away. You can pretend it does and try to 'move on' but always, at the back of your mind, the suspicion lingers that he's not being entirely honest and that he doesn't really love you. It takes a particularly steely type of woman to be able to work past that. The OP's situation is typical ... a small dalliance here ... a white lie about a lapdancing club there.... no doubt followed by profound apologies and promises that there will be no repetition.

It's actually form of 'grooming', getting the partner used to progressively worse behaviour. It's very destructive.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 13:06

funny how the person who has to "move on" is the one who has been shit upon

whilst the shitter gets to carry on as before...except because he/she has got away with it, they feel free to up the ante next time Hmm

larrygrylls · 09/08/2010 13:07

Anyfucker (delightful name, by the way), I addressed the drunken snog too. However, the recent issue is an LDC. It may have been "done to death" but that does not stop a lot of people clearly equating it with some kind of infidelity, so it clearly needs to be explained yet again.

Sorky, I deliberately tried to stop people assuming I condone infidelity by making it clear in my post that I do not. However, there also has to be SOME degree of tolerance within a marriage and I would doubt that you or your husband swore any vows concerning kissing!

I think a majority of MNers are deliberately disingenuous when it comes to men's posts, vastly oversimplifying their points. So, when I post that there has to be some perspective and forgiveness within a marriage, people assume that I am advocating open marriages. So much easier to attack.

fedupofnamechanging · 09/08/2010 13:07

larrygrylls - personally I consider paying a semi naked woman to gyrate in front of a man to be a sex act and therefore an act of infidelity if said man is in a relationship. I know that some people hold a different view and that's okay so long as both people in the relationship hold the same view.

This isn't really just about the lapdancing. It is about the fact that the OPs husband knew how she felt and why, yet had so little respect for her that he did it anyway. It is also about going out with another woman and kissing her, whilst married to the OP and about going to a LDC when she was at home with their newborn baby, lying to her and deceiving her.

A man who loves a woman does not behave this way.

proudnsad · 09/08/2010 13:08

Larry I agree.

I would certainly not end my marriage over a lap dancing club!

Can everyone just remember FOR ONCE that this isn't just a marriage that would be torn apart but a family!!!!!!!!

My dh went to a lap dancing club on a stag weeekend. He lied about it, I found out. He didn't have a yucky private dance. I felt humiliated that he'd lied and felt like a mug, I was angry and upset for a day.

I trust my dh and I know he is generally not the lapdancing club kind.

It is all about your instincts, whether you hand on your heart trust him with other women. That's the issue here.

The other girl kissing thing is very worrying, and much more of an issue.

PickleSarnie · 09/08/2010 13:09

I personally couldn't give a monkeys about the lap-dancing club. It would bother me if he went on his own or if it was a regular thing but not with a bunch of drunken blokes on a stag do. The waste of money on overpriced drinks and dances would bother me the most actually.

But that's just me - it's the fact that the OP has expressed such a disapproval of these places and her OH went against her back that I don't think I could deal with. Also, the taking of a work colleague out for a drink and a drunken snog would really bother me. Even if it wasn't at all premeditated, I couldn't cope with the constant wondering if anything else would happen when OH was spending so much time at work with this person.