To split up due to DH going to lapdancing club?

[chocolatte2]

DH was on a stag do at the weekend. Asked him to not go to LDC as hate everything about them. He assured me that it wouldn't be that kind of weekend. Stag not a dirty pervert kind of guy.

Admitted last night did go & got lapdance. (think about 15 blokes & 4 got dances) WTF! He then admits on further questioning to have gone once before when our 1st born was 4wks old!!! Was promoted& boss paid!! This he has kept from me for 5 years!

Now I know some will say, it's only a titty bar, chill out but we have had a terrible year. Found out before Xmas he had taken girl colleague out for a drink by herself. They had a small kiss at end of night. I found out by a text mess next day. Feel this may have developed into affair if I hadn't caught him out.

This was so out of character for my so called loving DH and father. He never flirted with girls, never remarked on girls on tv or when we were out. Actually I really loved this about him. Really never had to worry about him cheating etc.

Anyway, I was devastated, completely broken. He was so remorseful- stopped nts out etc. We had counselling which helped. We were just beginning to get back on track though I am so sad about all that happened & how the wonderful (smug) marriage we had was over & we had to start afresh.

This is why I really cannot be believe he has hurt me like this again. Up all last night crying- both of us, I really cannot see a way forward. I just feel he has no respect for me or our kids. When I think of him at that club when our baby was a newborn & I was postnatal, it makes me feel physically sick.

What I need to know is- has anyone experienced similar. I really can't see a way forward but I truly love him & he is a wonderful dad. I feel like a doormat!

2old is talking a lot of sense.

I too agree with what Morloth said.

I would rather be a single parent than living with a liar

I say "no" to any relationship that makes me feel like a mug

I can do that all by myself, thank you very much

I don't need any man to make me feel bad

There has been little discussion of the children in this readiness to destroy marriages, except for this classic piece of logic: " I would be unhappy and thus the children would be unhappy". Sounds like a great justification for any totally self serving action.

larry...you could say the same about this bloke

he "wants" to go to a lap dancing club

he "wants" to take other women out on a date and snog 'em

he doesn't care if that upsets the mother of his children

he doesn't "need" to do any of those things

is that not self-serving ?

Larry - the children would be uppermost in my thoughts. As I would expect they would be in most of the posters on here (if not all) - that goes without needing to be said!

Fine I'm a selfish bitch...I have split up my relationship for lesser reasons than what the op has. My children are happy (apart from right now because I have to go shopping and haven't gone yet. They have two parents who are happy and love them, better than two parents who would have been miserable together.

Thank you - Divorce when you have small children should be the last resort. Hurt pride and devasted childrens is a small price to pay.

Actually shagging around then fair enough but otherwise make it work.

I'm with AF, morloth and frogety.

How patronising to presume that life as a single mum is harder than staying in a faithless marriage. I have experience of both and would prefer the single mother role anytime.

Also ridiculous to suggest low self esteem in women that don't approve. My high self esteem is exactly what enables me to voice my opinion. I am also more than happy with my looks.

I cannot believe anyone would advocate someone (male or female) should stay with a lying, disrespectful Dp for the rest of their life, to spare the children a breakup!

For how long? Until the children have left home?

I think putting pressure on women to "try and make it work" with a serial liar is doing women a great dis-service

LeQueen it isn't really about the LDC though is it? It is about personal lines in the sand, mine is drawn way before LDCs personally.

larrygrylls, the person behaving in an unacceptable manner is the one who gets to bear the weight of the broken family, assuming they know where they stand then then they are making that choice.

I have DSs I will not teach them that is OK to makes themselves happy even if it makes their partners miserable (or vice versa), if I stayed with their father while he did that to me then that is what they will learn.

should read 'hurt pride rather than devasted children

I'd be embarrassed by mu dh's lack of taste and style if he wnet to a 'LDC;/
That's all really.

I can only speak from personal experience and those of my friends. Many of us who divorced when the children were young wish we hadn't.

I don't think he's a serial liar - he's no angel but it could be a lot worse!

it could be worse...he could be a wife-batterer too

2old...of course you are speaking from your own experience...we all do to a certain extent

He needs a short, sharp shock, this one.

Boot him out, even if it's just so you can get some thinking space. How have you managed to stay in close proximity without doing him an injury?

Moondog, my Dh has been to one, in the States when he went over for work. It was part of hospitality .

He said he was mortified when he realised it wasn't just a club.

He does embarrass quite easily though, he's not particularly easy in clothed social situations

Others in the group had lap dances paid for, he was quite insistent he didn't. I believe him. He said he felt uncomfortable being there, he'd have died of embarrassment if anyone approached him.

He didn't have to tell me, I would never have found out. It was something he was uncomfortable with and he wanted me to know.

I would extend him the same courtesy if the roles were reversed.

DH has booked himself in for counselling today. I haven't decided whether to go yet. Bit numb really. I really really don't want my children to be from a broken home. It is such an awful thought.

He IS a wonderful father. They adore him. He spends every free minute with them. My grievance is how he treats me. I know he doesn't respect me as he has proved. He says he loves me & I do believe him but living without trust is unbearable.

I honestly don't want to be without him. We laugh, get on so well. He is my best friend. I love just being with him. It sits uncomfortably with me knowing I have enabled this behaviour.

Think we should have a trial separation. Dread telling family. Have family visiting this week so will have to put on false face. Don't feel ready to discuss our marriage with anyone in RL

what sort of counselling, OP ?

Relationship counselling.

Chocolatte2 - you sound so broken at the thought of splitting. Maybe you are not ready yet. But surely you cant continue to take his crap behaviour and lack of regard for you?

What about living separately within the same house - separate bedrooms. You stay together, children keep two parents under one roof. But he cant hurt you as much (after the hell you would have to go through to begin with whilst adjusting). I know a couple of parents who did this until their children were 18. It worked well and children have appreciated it now as grown ups.

But I would leave. Sorry.