To split up due to DH going to lapdancing club?

[chocolatte2]

DH was on a stag do at the weekend. Asked him to not go to LDC as hate everything about them. He assured me that it wouldn't be that kind of weekend. Stag not a dirty pervert kind of guy.

Admitted last night did go & got lapdance. (think about 15 blokes & 4 got dances) WTF! He then admits on further questioning to have gone once before when our 1st born was 4wks old!!! Was promoted& boss paid!! This he has kept from me for 5 years!

Now I know some will say, it's only a titty bar, chill out but we have had a terrible year. Found out before Xmas he had taken girl colleague out for a drink by herself. They had a small kiss at end of night. I found out by a text mess next day. Feel this may have developed into affair if I hadn't caught him out.

This was so out of character for my so called loving DH and father. He never flirted with girls, never remarked on girls on tv or when we were out. Actually I really loved this about him. Really never had to worry about him cheating etc.

Anyway, I was devastated, completely broken. He was so remorseful- stopped nts out etc. We had counselling which helped. We were just beginning to get back on track though I am so sad about all that happened & how the wonderful (smug) marriage we had was over & we had to start afresh.

This is why I really cannot be believe he has hurt me like this again. Up all last night crying- both of us, I really cannot see a way forward. I just feel he has no respect for me or our kids. When I think of him at that club when our baby was a newborn & I was postnatal, it makes me feel physically sick.

What I need to know is- has anyone experienced similar. I really can't see a way forward but I truly love him & he is a wonderful dad. I feel like a doormat!

i know this is completely off topic but i would like to know what Oblomov other half does for a living?? you mentioned something earlier but never actually said what it was :o

MillyR I'd agree with you if we were advocating turning a blind eye to persistent and serious adultery that demeans a woman, just to keep from losing face in public, and 'just keep being the good little woman at home, and don't complain so long as he pays the mortage', but I don't think anyone on this thread has behaved that way, or has condoned/advised it. We are just saying don't throw the baby out with the bath water, that's all. And just because something crap happens in your marriage, don't think you can solve it by making something else crap happen - i.e. divorce. I don't think anyone is letting their DH off the hook for anything - big or small!

I know a friend who went through an unbelievably horrendous time with her DH who was not only spectacularly deceitful, but who pushed her to the limits of endurance in a marriage. But he swore he still loved her and wanted to try again. I can't say too much in case I out her, but suffice to say there was a 'double life' with a younger woman and a new baby involved, after 25 years with his wife. She maintained that he'd been the perfect husband and father up until then and just had a mid-life crisis, and got caught out. She took him back, allowed him to have access to the baby, let her other kids met it, etc, and was basically an unbelievable saint, because she loved him and wouldn't give him up without a fight. But after about a year she woke up one day and realised that she'd lost so much respect for him, that the OW was welcome to him. She kicked him out, and he's now with the new 'family'. But she knows she did everything she could, and she worked him out of her system her way, and in her own time. She didn't end up the victim. Loads of her other friends thought she was mad, but I completely understood her. And that OW will always know that the father of her child is only there because his wife 'gifted' him to her. We are all different. We all have to do things our own way.

"Keep your mouth shut, be polite, gloss things over, make small talk, don't think about your own needs or feelings, be amusing and a nice wife, don't make a big deal of it"

Yep, that's exactly what I'm suggesting if 95% of the rest of the time your DH is a great husband, and a fantastic Dad, and a decent human being.

Good god LeQueen - I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a spoon than behave like such a placid little wifey! (and DH is a 100% great husband and father). He makes sure I'm happy, not the other way around.

LeQueen and Fellatio I am with you all the way.

You are beacons of sense in a sea of sanctimonious twaddle.

LeQueen? Placid?

I'm quite sure MrQ knows exactly what his limits are, and where she keeps the meat cleaver for his balls. Mustn't confuse a cetain amount of tolerance with weakness and servitude.

Thank you proudnsad I like that phrase very much. I might get a t-shirt printed up!

I'm starting to think that *Oblomov's DH is Hugh Hefner or Peter Stringfellow, or that Essex bloke who owns the porn mag empire!

This is all very very interesting and sparked off a discussion between dh and me last time I read it, re.trust, expectations, etc. Sorry if that sounds like I'm treating choc's very real heartache like a case study; that's not my intention.

But I do feel the crux of the whole situation boils down to a matter of respect.

Example: When dh and I hadn't been seeing each other very long (1 year?) he went on a stag do. When he came home he happily told me all about it and said they'd been to a LDC. So far, so but I wasn't that upset: he'd been in a large group of idiotically-behaved blokes and that was that. But then he went on tell me that he'd paid for an individual dance. Not all of the guys had done this; a few of them had bowed out but he'd gone ahead. I was more upset than I'd thought I'd be; we had a very long tearful night of it and I made it clear that this sort of conduct was upsetting to me. Dh had not thought it would be a problem - it was - he apologised and he agreed it wouldn't ever happen again as he saw how much it had upset me and he understood the difference between going to a strip show (or whatever it's called) and going into an individual booth for a lapdance, and why that would upset me. He's been on stag dos since and has never, since that time, done anything similar, out of respect for me and my feelings. If he did, it would be a big deal, and that is why it's a big deal for the op.

The thing about the colleague opens another whole can of worms. If the kiss was a peck, then the reaction to it is massively OTT. But it's possibly not the whole story (from either side?)... I peck and hug my male friends all the time; dh does this with his female friends too. A snog would definitely be overstepping the mark and is a sign of intimacy that has no place in a platonic friendship.

Wow, Beacons of sense in a sea of sanctimonious twaddle. Totally agree, what a lovely phrase.

I've just woken up and read the whole thread and I'm dying to know what Oblomovs dh does??????

My dh will be very jealous if he's Hugh Hefner, in fact if he is HH could he invite dh to play please,

...I'm dying to know what Oblomovs dh does..

so am I????????

"Are you one of these women who presents her DH with an endless litany of Does/Don'ts?"

:o

PMSL

Not even close, but nice try.

Although the last time DH went out I was sitting waiting for him when he came in and made him tell me all about the night and who he'd been talking to and what they'd been saying and if they had any news.

I don't get out much at the moment. It was like proxy socialising. Except shit because DH is the sort of person who if he found out someone had a baby wouldn't even ask if it was a boy or a girl.

"I don't know, a baby baby. No, I didn't ask for a name. It didn't occur to me. Weight? No, what's wrong with you?" etc.

FN, yes I agree with your point. But I'm not advocating that the OP leaves her DH. I am saying that we all have different things that matter to us, and it is up to the OP to work out which kinds of actions on the part of her DH she can live with, and which she cannot.

We cannot live our personal lives by someone else's rules - whether they be set up by a crowd of people on the internet or by our partners. Each of us has to work out what we can happily compromise on and what we cannot. Of course people should compromise with their partners when they can, but sometimes people drive themselves crazy by trying to deny their own feelings. I can't possibly tell from what the OP has said what she should do - it is up to her to work that out.

Amen to that.

Larry - how much would you like me to pay you to strip and gyrate on my lap in a LDC? a tenner? £20? Just wondering?

is this still going ?

how on earth did it turn into the LeQueen thread ??

seriously folks, there is Holby City on the telly

at printing my 'sea of sanctimonious twaddle' tee shirt! I get royalties tho. And must only be worn in wet t shirt competitions in said lap dancing establishments.