To split up due to DH going to lapdancing club?

[chocolatte2]

DH was on a stag do at the weekend. Asked him to not go to LDC as hate everything about them. He assured me that it wouldn't be that kind of weekend. Stag not a dirty pervert kind of guy.

Admitted last night did go & got lapdance. (think about 15 blokes & 4 got dances) WTF! He then admits on further questioning to have gone once before when our 1st born was 4wks old!!! Was promoted& boss paid!! This he has kept from me for 5 years!

Now I know some will say, it's only a titty bar, chill out but we have had a terrible year. Found out before Xmas he had taken girl colleague out for a drink by herself. They had a small kiss at end of night. I found out by a text mess next day. Feel this may have developed into affair if I hadn't caught him out.

This was so out of character for my so called loving DH and father. He never flirted with girls, never remarked on girls on tv or when we were out. Actually I really loved this about him. Really never had to worry about him cheating etc.

Anyway, I was devastated, completely broken. He was so remorseful- stopped nts out etc. We had counselling which helped. We were just beginning to get back on track though I am so sad about all that happened & how the wonderful (smug) marriage we had was over & we had to start afresh.

This is why I really cannot be believe he has hurt me like this again. Up all last night crying- both of us, I really cannot see a way forward. I just feel he has no respect for me or our kids. When I think of him at that club when our baby was a newborn & I was postnatal, it makes me feel physically sick.

What I need to know is- has anyone experienced similar. I really can't see a way forward but I truly love him & he is a wonderful dad. I feel like a doormat!

Poor Op has probably gone off for a sob and a coffee. she's got more to think about that just the LPC.

Here here AF

And for 'balance' to what LeQ posted previously about some OHs still going to LDCs and not telling partners - I also have known some couples where the wife/girlfriend is ok with their OHs going to LDCs on stag-dos because it's a bit of a laugh, what men do etc only for those OHs to also visit prostitutes behind their partners backs - which of course they don't admit too.Liars will always lie if they can get away with it.

Not easy for OP to resolve this situation - agree that human's are fallible and not perfect, but continuing to do something when other partner is not happy about it without even discussing it prior to incident shows a lack of respect.

Bear? - seems you think that LDCs are harmless? Well seems that OP and partner have a difference of opinion and that it is enough to cause the partnership to break up. Personally my own feelings on LDCs are probably the same as Mal and AF amongst others and your post on the importance of money and wealth raises an interesting point. However until such time as worldwide wealth is split evenly between the sexes the debate will never be on an equal footing - as you have spent time in a LDC I would argue that you do not respect the sexes equally.

ops - not Bear - meant Larry!

"On any given night, he will spend the vast majority of his time chatting and drinking, maybe having a dance (at which point I pity the women) with other women."

Yes, WOMEN, not the E.

Spending the entire night flirting and chatting with various women is perfectly fine.

Spending the entire night focusing on one woman is not harmless flirting, it is flirting with intention. If you have no romantic intentions then it is not fair to the woman in question to dominate her time like that.

It's also quite rude to behave like that in a group situation.

Either way, I think it is really sad to see how many women on here get enjoyment out of sneering at other women for any of

• thinking a man they'd been chatting to all night was coming on to them and might want to sleep with them
• divorcing an unreliable and untrusthworthy man and never finding a decent one
• being in love with the man that subsequently left her for you

The way you talk about both men and women is snide, patronising and a little sickening. You seem to see other women as competition to be beaten and then pitied and men as idiots to be patronised and mollycoddled.

Should read "note the e"

Am I arrogant then, to maintain that I know my DH 100%?

I don't think I'm arrogant, I just know him as well as I know myself, he's completely transparent and he never lies, even when he knows that his honesty will negatively impact his life ( which it has , quite significantly) it's just who he is and he has always been this way. It's one of the many reasons I respect him so much, his life would be much easier if he wasn't so honourable - he's continually let down by others who aren't always straight with him.

It actually makes life much harder, being totally honest, perhaps that's why so many people aren't, anything for an easy life?

'Having chatted to him for the evening in a group' was what I said about this woman and my DH skidoodly.

At no point did I suggest or say that 'he spent his entire night focusing on her' or that 'he was dominating her time'.

Neither did I say that they were excluding others in the party from their conversation.

You seem to be making the story up in your head as you go along, if you don't mind my saying.

And I get no enjoyment out of knowing that she wanted to sleep with my DH, (quite the opposite) but the reason I do know that she did, is because when he told the group he was leaving to catch his train she pulled him aside and whispered in his ear 'You can come home with me if you like'.

I'm not entirely sure why you are so keen to make that my fault.

I think you have some bitterness issues.

You said your DH spent the whole night talking to her, so I assumed you were telling the truth.

If things were as you now describe, then fair enough.

You mention he's been unfaithful several times though, so I wonder how accurate his version of events is.

I don't know many women who would pull a man aside like that unless they had some reason to think he might respond favourably.

Nelson, you feel differently about affairs becasue your relationship with your dh started as an affair. That makes a difference.

"I don't know many women who would pull a man aside like that unless they had some reason to think he might respond favourably".
I'm not sure that is true ski.

skidoodly You are running waaaay ahead of yourself. You are jumping onto people's posts and inserting your own phrases and subtexts, for, well, who knows what reasons?

I categorically did not say that my DH has been unfaithful several times, though someone thinking a bit too hard about I may have taken my comments as meaning just that.

And I did not say that 'he spent the whole night talking to her.' That is your assumption again. Read the post.

Calm down!

And I don't know how accurate his version of events was either, but I do know he came home, on the last train, at the expected time, and told me (entirely voluntarily) that a friend of a friend had come on to him.

If he's trying to cover up for something he's going about it in a very odd way!

hi Chocolatte2 - I'm not sure much of this will help, but there are a few posts which might be worth a second look at.

Ob I don't feel 'different' about them at all. I just know, realistically, how easily they can happen, that's all. Not necessarily casual pick-ups, - you tend to need to be looking for those - no excuses. But with people at work who you get on well with, and spend huge amounts of time with, lines are crossed. It just makes me super-vigilant about the signs.

But what we did when we were both in our twenties with no children is very different to how I feel we should both behave now. It's a whole different set-up with children involved.

See thats the thing Nelson. I don't think they do happen 'easily'.
I have the same morals on it now in my late 30's as i did when i was 16. having children hasn't changed my view on whether it is o.k. becasue we all know its not. no one can ever realy argue that it is o.k., can they ?

No, it's not ever right Ob but it's much easier to face the fact that you are doing something 'wrong' when you know that you are perhaps in the wrong marriage anyway, and now is a good time to find out, before you are tied in for 20 years, unfulfilled, and with children and tons of responsibility and it all gets horribly messy. Once you have all those things, hopefully the fear of damaging your family will keep most people in check.

I do honestly think though, that the bulk of married people with kids who snog someone, start an affair, go to a LDC, pay for casual sex, look at porn alone, dress in their wife's undies, or whatever it is they do that their partner would be upset about, do so thinking that it is a one-off 'treat' in complete isolation to their 'real' life, and they would be appalled and grief-stricken if they ever seriously considered the consequences. I don't think many go into it with the cynical idea that they can have their cake and eat it in the long term. Sadly though, that is often the way it often ends up. The longer things go unchecked the more blase people become.

LeQueen, I don't think either myself of my DH are more moral than you. I simply think we have a different set of moral values. In the same way that I don't consider myself to be more or less moral than a Roman Catholic.

I think I made that fairly clear in my earlier posts.

As for being fun at dinner party, a longterm relationship is not a dinner party. I think your comparison is actually a fairly good metaphor for what people on this thread are telling the OP. Keep your mouth shut, be polite, gloss things over, make small talk, don't think about your own needs or feelings, be amusing and a nice wife, don't make a big deal of it. That is fine at a dinner party, but it is no way to conduct a relationship. Sadly, it rather strikes me that some people are advocating conducting relationships in that way - with husbands who they treat with the indulgence and courtesy one would pay to an aquaintance. I am not sure such a marriage is an achievement - it is not really a marriage at all.

I think that you are BU to worry about the LPC. Most (all?) men are different to women. To them the whole visual porn thing is probably the equivalent to the more romantic daydreaming/reading Mills and Boon thing that women do - ie women focus on relationships whilst men focus on sex. Watching someone wiggle around is (for them) fun but does not nec indicate any serious intent; just like watching some romantic film and dreaming about being swept off by the hero does not signify any intent with women. Not sure about the college in pub and kiss though - if just a peck on the cheek then probably innocent but if not then this seems far worse.

BTW DH has been to a LPC once with (old) work - from wah the described I cannot see how he could have got out of it. I did not mond him going but I do mind the fact that it is considered reasonable for men to do this at work dos. If it is somethign that a company often does when entertaining clients then I cannot see how that company can claim to treat female employees fairly as any female would (I assume) be passed over for promotion to any level where the LPC visits kicked in as I'm assuming that it is not something that mixed groups do. Personally from the companies point of view I think that it is discriminatory and sould be illegal. However I can also see that it is the bosses arranging the trips who are at fault, not the employees who feel obliged to go along (however much they enjoy it when they get there )

Lindenavery,

You make a weird point that I do not respect the sexes equally as I have visited a LDC. Is the fact that I only have sex with women (well a woman these days) evidence that I treat the sexes unequally? Should I try a guy?!