To split up due to DH going to lapdancing club?

[chocolatte2]

DH was on a stag do at the weekend. Asked him to not go to LDC as hate everything about them. He assured me that it wouldn't be that kind of weekend. Stag not a dirty pervert kind of guy.

Admitted last night did go & got lapdance. (think about 15 blokes & 4 got dances) WTF! He then admits on further questioning to have gone once before when our 1st born was 4wks old!!! Was promoted& boss paid!! This he has kept from me for 5 years!

Now I know some will say, it's only a titty bar, chill out but we have had a terrible year. Found out before Xmas he had taken girl colleague out for a drink by herself. They had a small kiss at end of night. I found out by a text mess next day. Feel this may have developed into affair if I hadn't caught him out.

This was so out of character for my so called loving DH and father. He never flirted with girls, never remarked on girls on tv or when we were out. Actually I really loved this about him. Really never had to worry about him cheating etc.

Anyway, I was devastated, completely broken. He was so remorseful- stopped nts out etc. We had counselling which helped. We were just beginning to get back on track though I am so sad about all that happened & how the wonderful (smug) marriage we had was over & we had to start afresh.

This is why I really cannot be believe he has hurt me like this again. Up all last night crying- both of us, I really cannot see a way forward. I just feel he has no respect for me or our kids. When I think of him at that club when our baby was a newborn & I was postnatal, it makes me feel physically sick.

What I need to know is- has anyone experienced similar. I really can't see a way forward but I truly love him & he is a wonderful dad. I feel like a doormat!

Twas a good ramble though.

It also makes a difference on the history of the partnership as well. If you got together very young, with few opportunities to sow wild oats and experience different relationships, it can be very hard to fight the urge to branch out a bit in later life, so some allowances and understanding may be called for. Though in my experience, these are often the relationships that do ultimately flounder. Once people start to play the field, and live their teenage years in their thirties and forties, they can't stop. (though not always, to be fair).

This must be incredibly difficult for you.

If at all possible you should try and take a step back from the emotional side of the situation.

Take control and clearly outline to your husband that his behaviour has been unacceptable and he needs to think about what he's done and why. Tell him that you both need time to rationally look at what is best for your family.

He needs to stop drinking if it leads to this behaviour.

Be strong

Great post swallowedAfly

I secretly threw away a shocking pair of very expensive slip-on sandals about three years ago. DH still goes round every cupboard scratching his head and looking bewildered just before every holiday.

I've just about managed to convince him that he must have 'left them' somewhere.

Well thank you

Fellatio I wouldn't say I do compromise about it, it is something in the past now which makes us the couple we are. It's not forgotten about obviously but it is history.

What swallowedafly said I completely agree! I could have written that myself. I think the trust I had before was what I think of as a blind trust and not completely based in the reality of the people we are (or the man he is) and the situations we were facing in our lives at the time.....the trust I have for him now is a lot more real (in my opinion before I get slatted)

TBH I don't 100% trust anyone - not DH, not my sister, not my lovely mum who is my rock. It's unrealistic. I know they all love me and would never want to hurt me but there is no guarantee that they will never behave badly/make selfish choices; there is no guarantee I will either.

everythingiseverything I think it took a couple of years to truly and properly put it behind us (sorry if that sounds awful!) We talked loads and I guess the relationship's new boundaries (for want of a better term) had to be tested a few times too.

There were def times when I resented him, I think it showed itself in whenever he did the smallest thing I would think 'f*ck this, I've had enough' because I was still looking back on what he did. That is not the case anymore though, I honestly hardly ever think about it.

It was so so very difficult to go through but on reflection I would rather have a crisis like that and work through it than be one of those couples who constantly snap and bicker for years and don't even seem to like each other. It was so difficult because we do like and love each other, which is a good thing.

muriel the comment re: compromise and giving was more directed a tthe OP - you seem to have it sussed!

ob...why would I die if I knew what your husband did for a living ?

who do you think I am ? Mary Whitehouse ?

But LeQueen if she ever did something deliberately hurtful to you, knowing that it would hurt you then surely it would change the way you viewed her?

Of course 100% trust is a bad idea, of course my DH could go to LDCs/have an affair at any time, I can't control that and don't try, the only thing I can control is how I would react to that.

I concur on all counts again LeQueen - that husband of ours is alright really, isn't he? (actually I think my half is slightly less exasperating than your half.

Having unrealistic and unattainable expectations of another person is what ultimately leads to disappointment and trauma. That's not to say it's OK to put up with low standards, and you must respect yourself enough to feel confident in setting out certain rules and boundaries. But as others have pointed out, sticking rigidly and stubbornly to your idealistic views of marriage can often mean cutting off your nose to spite your face.

see I disagree with muriel. I don't consider 100% trust as blind trust. Infact %'s don't even come into it. You either do trust or you don't. And we all get hurt. I've been hurt by best friends more thna i've ever been hurt by dh or a boyfriend.

And I do truat dh. And I don't think its blind. Its just that we both have firm beliefs that infidelity is wrong. Neither of come from parents who had affairs. we just both think its fundamentally wrong. and its hard to say what i would or wouldn't do. but I like to think that I would never, ever, never ever ever cheat. EVER. I would leave him before i slept with someone else.

So to me, this is not blind. I know we all are fallible. but not over this. people let you down all the time. tis life.
but not on infidelity.
no. sorry. no can do.

and so i guess, in answer to everythings post re is there a middle ground. a middle ground to trust ? well no actually, i am not sure there is. becasue you either do or you don't. and it might rebuild a bit. but really , how could could it ever be again. what % could you get it back to ?

and years later ? if they were late on the train ? didn't show up ? you would think ....... becasue you wouldn't be able to help yourself. but this would never occur to me with dh. i would assume he was .... in a car crash, before it occured to me any naughty stuff.

I just object to people calling me blind trust. I am not sure i do trust 100%. But i do trust him alot. He has never given me any reason not to.

AF, you did sound a bit mary whitehouse'ish

I think many women feel that way Ob which is why more women instigate divorce than men. I think on the whole men are more
capable of separating their wants and needs mentally, and justifying them morally all the while 'no-one gets hurt.' Women find it harder to live a lie, even if they stand little chance of getting caught. If they mess around, or want to mess around, they usually fess up and leave, whereas a man usually leaves only once he's been caught.

no, ob

Mary Whitehouse tried to ban things, for everyone

All I am stating is my opinion

Just because it is very clear doesn't make me some sort of moral crusader on behalf of everyone else

oblomov apologies if I offended you, I did not mean other people trust blindly or anything like that, I was entirely commenting on me and mine.

Take it from me, I DID blindly trust and was unrealistic within my own marriage.

My DH wasn't unfaithful BTW he broke my trust in other ways, so slightly different anyway...

Sorry again anyway.

As an aside, I do worry that DH has been in car crashes etc when he is late, but that is my personality a bit, I tend to fear the worst. Can't even take a dress to the dry cleaner without saying goodbye to it forever!!

calm down AF , was only in jest.
you shoudl know me better than that. twas only lighthearted, AF would die... i didn't mean you literally would gasp your last breath.

well, that's good, ob

but I am not finding this thread very lighthearted at all, and had left it until I saw another personal reference to me < shrugs >

Lequeen my mum is the same! But she is also human......

fellatio LOL sorry, misunderstood that! I don't quite have it sussed it's always a work in progress

muriel, no offence taken. i didn't mean to imply that i was offended. i am not.

people underestimate what a big deal trust is. or alternatively, what damage is done when trust isn't total.

probaly right. jest doesn't seem appropriate to me, when discussing affairs/trust.
nothing funny about it at all, in my mind.

f**king wouldn't find me laughing if there was an affair was introduced into my life.

That's okay then

I wonder where OP has gone?