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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

one of DS's ex supply teachers is on DS's facebook

131 replies

stoppinattwo · 06/08/2010 17:40

Im.finding.it.a.bit.wrong(sorry.about.the.dots.my.space.bar.has.just.fallen.off)

DS is nearly 12 and i know shouldnt have fb.yet but i monitor it hence my noticing this woman on his fb, i didnt think this was allowed regardless of whether she still taught at DS's school or not..

She taught him for most of yr3 and he has jsut going into yr7 so almost 4 yrs later she makes contact....

Ihave just had a call from ds's hm as i tried to reach him and he is going to tell her to remove herself from DS's fb immediately and any other pupil she may have befriended

AIbU to be mystified and a bit rattled by this womans behaviour??

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 06/08/2010 17:47

tbh i think you are wrong to have allowed ds to have an account before he is 13 - you have obv agreed in him lying about his date of birth etc to get an account

yes suss that teacher has befriended him, would be interesting to know why she is chatting to him and which other students she has

no one should really have their teachers/employers on their fb Grin

but if he wasnt on fb then the teacher wouldnt have been able to add/befriend him, so i feel you are a bit to blame

Maylee · 06/08/2010 17:47

YA(prob)BU

If your DS is old enough (by your own judgement) to have FB, then he should be allowed to choose his friends. His ex-supply teacher may be a peadophile....but so could a number of other people that he might choose to befriend.

The likelihood is that it's innocent stuff and she's probably interested in seeing how he's progressing. TBH, I'd be quite happy if my son was friends with one of his old teachers. But, having said all that, if you get a sense that there is something sinister about it, then I'd go with that instinct above everything else.

Maylee · 06/08/2010 17:48

And LOL at your spacebar falling off Smile

Vermdum · 06/08/2010 17:48

Im pretty sure this is innocent:

When I finished 6thform three years ago, most students were asking for their favourite teachers facebook accounts. Kind of a 'most popular teacher' competition.

Of course, if your uncomfortable with it, you SHOULD complain, im sure there are plenty of people (me included)who would hate the idea of younger children adding 'professionals' to their accounts. Its not really worth the risk, is it?

Sassyfrassy · 06/08/2010 17:50

It's certainly good practise as a teacher to not accept any pupils, current or former as friends on facebook. My LEA takes a dim view of it and we've been recommended to keep our facebook privacy settings high so that children can't find us at all on there.

Mowgli1970 · 06/08/2010 17:51

I think it's weird. As a teacher I've had a few requests from past pupils, all of whom I've ignored sharpish! I've also got my profile under the highest security settings so no one can search for me. Sounds OTT, but all it takes is one comment from me that could be misconstrued or shown to other people and that would be disastrous!

Not that I live a debauched lifestyle, but pupils are not my friends and don't have the same relationship with me as people on my FB do.

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 06/08/2010 17:52

I know he shouldnt have fb yet,hence my policing it so thoughrougly and finding thiswoman on there, innocent it may be but really, she hasnt taught them for 3 years she is middle aged, what could they possibly have in common to talk about....

does 13 make them and less vulnerable, at any age i think it is stepping over theboundary and leaving herself wide open to question

OP posts:
Original poster
stoppinattwo · 06/08/2010 17:53

may i add,that she approached him.....

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Blondeshavemorefun · 06/08/2010 17:54

i actually think fb should be banned till 18 Grin

but i do understand your concern, does seem weird, but maybe innocent, but makes you wonder why

sure teachers have been told by their unions/hm/etc NOT to befriend/add any students

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 06/08/2010 17:54

13 is the minimum age for a FB account, so you've lied on his behalf. Now you're worried about the fact that an ex teacher is a friend?

Why do you think they have the minimum age requirement?? Very weird that a teacher would want to befriend a pupil, but FB is a weird place - which is why it's best to keep young children away from it.

Flisspaps · 06/08/2010 17:55

AFAIK there is no rule or law stating that teachers cannot be FB friends with students - current or otherwise. I work in a school and although it is advised that staff aren't FB friends with students, it is down to individual staff members as to if they follow this advice.

Nothing suspicious or odd about it at all imo. She's a teacher FGS, not some random stranger. Furthermore you have no right to tell this woman to remove other people from her friends list. You can make your DS remove her and block her from his list if you so wish, but I think that would be a sad thing to do. You trusted her enough to allow your son to be left in her care every day for almost a year some time ago, so why not allow her to see his progress on FB?

However, if you had adhered to the FB rules and hadn't have allowed your DS to have an account before the age of 13, then this situation wouldn't have arisen.

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 06/08/2010 17:57

so masie a whole 12 months makes a difference??

would you answer the question with an "oh its perfectly ok" if id told you he was 13...

I made a decision to allow my son a fb account which i monitor very closely...the question is the appropriateness of teacher pupil freinds on fb...not age limit on fb

OP posts:
musicmadness · 06/08/2010 17:58

its probably innocent. i have a lot of my ex teachers (from high school mostly though) on my facebook.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 06/08/2010 18:00

FB seems to think that 12 months makes a difference - so why did you lie?

No, I wouldn't have said it was OK if he was 13, but he's not, and if you're worried about the inappropriateness of adults contacting him then perhaps you should remove him from FB?

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 06/08/2010 18:03

but still why on earth would she approach him,is she stupiddoes she not see that she is potentially compromising her position...

and for those holier than thou "shock my DS is an underage FB'er" I hope to god all your childrens halo's dont slip....it may as well be my FB I monitor it that much!!!!

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Original poster
stoppinattwo · 06/08/2010 18:04

musicmadness I would imagine that you are older now and have more in common with ex teacher? Smile

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purplewednesday · 06/08/2010 18:05

HIGHLY unprofessional of the teacher.
I am a nurse and there is no way I would have a patient / relative as a fb friend.

SleepingLion · 06/08/2010 18:05

But your DS must have accepted her as a friend even if she approached him. Thus, if you police your DS's FB account as thoroughly as you say you do, simply tell him to delete her - problem solved. She can't 'be his friend' without him agreeing to it - perhaps you need to have a chat with him about who he is accepting as friends.

FWIW, I am a teacher and have some ex-pupils as FB friends - on the other hand, they were teenagers when I taught them and are now in their late twenties, getting married, getting mortgages, being gainfully employed! So not as weird as befriending a 12 yr old, I think/hope Grin It's nice to see how they're doing now they're adults. I do have a policy of never befriending current pupils though - or even ones who have recently left school.

arses · 06/08/2010 18:05

I'm a speech and language therapist and a few of my secondary school students have asked for me to be their friends. I sent one a message to explain why I couldn't be his friend and then, because I was on mat leave this year when one of my former students doing GCSE asked me to befriend him and his privacy settings were set so high that I couldn't return the message, I accepted to send him a message saying I couldn't be his friend but wishing him all the best in his exams. To send the message, I had to go through my privacy settings with a fine toothed comb to make sure that they couldn't see my photos/status updates..

Even that made me feel a bit icky but I felt it was polite to the students concerned in the situation.

If she did approach him it is a bit silly and naive of her.

Marjee · 06/08/2010 18:06

That sounds a bit strange but if she hasn't taught him for a few years maybe she doesn't even realise who he is? Fb brings up a list of people you may know based on mutual friends so she may just be one of those people who sends friend requests to everyone who comes up. I agree that its inappropriate though, you did the right thing but I'd leave it at that now.

emptyshell · 06/08/2010 18:06

There's no rule against it - different LEAs and schools have guidelines, which with her being supply - she's probably not bound by solidly (most LEAs long-since killed their supply pool).

Having said that - she's on pretty stupid ground - and I say that AS a supply (the furthest I'd go would be to set up a "teacher" email to stay in contact with kids), plus I can't think of anythign I'd like LESS than to have kids I've taught on facebook!!! Kids do try to add their teachers though - a friend in secondary regularly has to change her facebook name to silly variations to avoid the kids at her school trying to add her.

violethill · 06/08/2010 18:08

You made the decision to allow him to have a FB account while underage... hmm, don't you think you made the wrong decision then, if he thinks it's ok to accept a middle aged ex teacher as a friend, when he's 12? Hmm

It's unprofessional, not to mention very weird, for the ex-supply teacher to do this, but why on earth did he accept her? can't imagine the conversation would be that exciting.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 06/08/2010 18:09

Not being holier than thou - just adhering to the FB rules. Why is that so alien to you? As an earlier poster said, if he's accepted or requested her as a friend then your policing methods have failed.

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 06/08/2010 18:10

DS did quite wrongly accept her and we have spoken about it but tbh he has so few mates on fb..mostly family n school friends who are moving on to different snr schools so could potentially lose touch (hence allowing the fb)

She will be deleted but i will message her first to say i am deleting her as i feel it is not appropriate at the moment for her to be on DS's fb and she could be compromising herself without realising it

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violethill · 06/08/2010 18:12

What emptyshell says is true. As a secondary teacher, it's an occupational hazard, dodging the kids who try to befriend you. There is no law against it, but most teachers wouldn't do it, and frankly have better things to do with their time.

As an ex-supply teacher, I guess she perceives herself differently - she's presumably no longer employed by the LEA, and may even be in another career. Still an odd thing to do. But the oddest thing is the OP allowing her ds to have a FB account while underage, and then getting 'rattled' when he adds inappropriate people!|