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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Witnessing abuse of children

191 replies

PosieParker · 30/07/2010 12:30

I've been reading a fair few threads recently about adults who witness parents being vile to children and do nothing about it. I have on a number of occasions phoned the police when children/babies don't have car seats, reported a woman who smacked, what looked like, her granddaughter and shoved here in a van with no seats, confronted a woman that threatened to smack her dds face (she was uber rough and the little girl was about six) she also threatened the little girl with her father when she got home, the list goes on. I have never been hit although threatened.

Am I unreasonable to think it's just me who speaks out?

OP posts:
Original poster
PosieParker · 30/07/2010 12:36

Probably am then.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 30/07/2010 12:39

posie....i used to be a police officer....i have seen interventions,then intervened myself as a callout!

its not the best thing to do you know!!

EveWasFramed72 · 30/07/2010 12:40

I think there is danger of you not actually knowing what is really going on.
For instance: About 18 months ago, I took my two children (who were about 2 and 18 months at the time) shoe shopping. I did not have the pushchair, and both children were walking. As I was paying, DS bolted out of the store, heading straight for a busy parking lot. When I got to him, you better believe that he got a smack...I have to believe that I looked like a banshee flying out of that store, and smacking my small boy in absolute terror.

However, that is probably one of two times that I've ever smacked, screamed, lost the plot totally with either of my DC. But, you wouldn't have known that if you saw me that day...

I know what you mean, but be careful...what you're seeing in that moment may not be the usual situation. I have said something in situtations where the child looked in danger...like being dragged...I once called social services when I was at uni because my neighbors had tied their baby to a tree for hours...that's the stuff I will stand up against.

Original poster
PosieParker · 30/07/2010 12:40

What should you do? I have followed one family to their car and taken down the reg.

OP posts:
overthehillsandfaraway · 30/07/2010 12:41

So Tiffany what is the best thing to do?

GypsyMoth · 30/07/2010 12:45

every situation is different isnt it? but really,its going to make people like this stop and think??? or do you put yourself and children in danger also by confronting them??

Original poster
PosieParker · 30/07/2010 12:46

The time I spoke to a woman in a shop was when her six year old was told to watch her three year old, the three year old fell over. The six year old was grabbed by the scruff of the neck and growled in her face that she was going to get a 'fucking slap' and then that when the father got home (different Dads as 3yr old was mixed race) she'd get another from him, the girl look frightened but didn't cry. I couldn't not say anything. So made myself very visible, told her that that was no way to talk to a child and asked the little girl is she was okay, the mother told me to "fuck off who did I think I was?" and I just stood my ground and explained it wasn't the little girl's fault that the three year old fell over and that she should be pissed off with herself. The mother had paid by card in the shop and so I explained that I would report her and ask the police to check records and they could trace her and follow up. I also lied and said I was a SW. She left the shop calling me a "fucking bitch". I did report her.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 30/07/2010 12:47

Sometimes you see how others behave with children and it's a matter of opinon as to whether they're systematically abusing their child.

On those threads it's often pointed out that you are only seeing a snapshot of the relationship, possibly with the mum at the very end of her tether, not an excuse, but a reason.

I would argue that threatening a child with their dad is not abuse, I don't like it but swearing at a child is not abuse either as I know it.

There is a difference between this though and seeing a child who is being emotionally or physically neglected on a regular basis, or you suspect the child might be in danger of significant harm, and not reporting it.

I confronted a mum once and wished to high heaven I hadn't, it makes me go cold thinking about it.

Original poster
PosieParker · 30/07/2010 12:47

I agree you can put the children in more danger by making the parents more angry but I often ensure I can follow up or that the interference is necessary to stop something there and then.

OP posts:
Original poster
PosieParker · 30/07/2010 12:49

A snapshot maybe but anyone that goes that mad at a little girl and growls in her face with gritted teeth deserves a talking to.

OP posts:
Iklboo · 30/07/2010 12:50

'threatened the little girl with her father when she got home'

I threaten DS with his dad on occasion. DH does no more than I do, but DS is such a daddy's boy he doesn't like to upset/annoy DH. Me saying I'll tell his daddy he is being naughty makes him think about what he's doing. I wouldn't say it was child abuse.

AgentZigzag · 30/07/2010 12:52

I sometimes growl through gritted teeth DD1, I would do that in public because I don't like bawling at children in the street, humiliating them and yourself.

I don't swear at her, but I let her know that her behaviour at that time is unacceptable.

AgentZigzag · 30/07/2010 12:55

And I've told her that 'I'm afraid I'm going to have to tell Daddy about that' ie if it's something he's going to notice like nail varnish all over the toilet/her bedroom window sill (voice of experience), not that he does anything like shouting or smacking her, but she doesn't like him to be disappointed in her.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 30/07/2010 12:55

I was in WHSmiths with ds (he was about 3), he had a spider on his face so I wafted it off, it looked like I had hit him across the face though, a woman who was in the shop gave me such a filthy look. It's easy to jump to conclusions.

Altinkum · 30/07/2010 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

atswimtwolengths · 30/07/2010 13:03

Oh come on, none of these cases are what the OP is talking about.

There are threads on here that horrify me, about people seeing children being called ugly and absolutely foul language used at them, not even just in their presence.

I tend to not put myself in those situations (eg avoid McDonalds) - that's possible now because my children are older.

I think we should act - what's that saying, "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." However, it's easier if you can get an ally - I'd tend to look for a woman my own age to back me up - I think women tend to be braver than men in situations like that.

sanielle · 30/07/2010 13:05

Would she ALtikum? Or would she be paranoid that ss were going to be on her doorstep that night?

Original poster
PosieParker · 30/07/2010 13:08

The child was definitely shit scared of the father, and there's a difference between getting a real telling off and the sinister threatening.

Altinkum....what would you have done? nothing? I reported this woman in addition to tackling her. As an adult I think I can interpret a situation and decide whether it's an angry reasonable parent having a nice day or a nasty threatening bitch taking out on her child.

OP posts:
Altinkum · 30/07/2010 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PosieParker · 30/07/2010 13:10

having a bad day.

I have also been crazy with my dcs, like when one ran into the road and gone ballistic, but I did raise eyebrows at the adults aournd me and realised that they could have thought bad of me. It's that level of social awareness which many of these shit parents seem to miss.

OP posts:
Altinkum · 30/07/2010 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamatomany · 30/07/2010 13:12

PP being a nasty bitch isn't against the law though otherwise the prisons would be full.

Original poster
PosieParker · 30/07/2010 13:13

Just too many cases reach the news where noone says a thing.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 30/07/2010 13:16

Unfortunately though Posie, many of the cases where the child has died, the authorities have been very involved in their lives.

Being on the radar of SS, the police, hospitals, schools, doesn't necessarily mean they're safe (no disrespect to any of those authorities).

prism · 30/07/2010 13:20

It's impossible to know in any particular case what the results of saying something will be- but I can't help thinking that society would be better if we did. Feeling that you can abuse your child in public, which is the inevitable conclusion you'll draw if you do it and no-one says anything, will just lead to a quite justifiable belief that abusing your child is an OK thing to do.

I don't think this just applies to adults- it's a real shame we are afraid to tell other people's children what to do, but we are, and they test the boundaries as much in public as they do at home. We can't just leave it to the professionals; they have enough to do, and if you see something that offends you you're entitled to say so.

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