To think the school are being arses?

[TheLadyEvenstar]

For the last 6 weeks DS1 has had a mohican (sp) yesterday my bil thinned the sides out as ds1's hair is very thick and curly.

Now I have not seen his hair today as he stayed with my mum last night, but at 8.30 the school phoned to say he was on his way home for having an inappropriate hair cut which they feel will affect his learning ????????

How the hell can a haircut affect learning ffs

None of that matters TLES, none of it. All that matters is that your DS has had the idea that the rules are not for him and you have no power over him reinforced.

Very ignorant remark about statements there SomeGuy...

stayfrosty how dare you say i didn't want to know i have put everything into my children I have taken ds to drs from when he was a "little scrap" and stopped eating and sleeping at the age of 4 and would basically eat bread or pasta and sleep very little. When he would sit and scream for no reason and what was i told?"its a phase" well that fucking phase has gone on for far too long and although some is down to me it is not all down to me.

Unless you are talking about statements of individuality rather than SEN. Which you might be! In which case !!

If you don't want to hear anything why do you keep posting? If you don't want to change him then why do you keep fighting him? I like you TLES, we have joked around on other threads but it is like you have a great big blind spot where your DS is concerned, you can see the bad behaviour but can't accept that it is your doing and not his.

Maybe over the years I should have posted everytime i dealt with an issue and all was calm. Rather than ranting to get things off my chest when i was pissed off

apologies for hijack . . . MrsWobble am I right in thinking you Home Ed? But your DH is a school governor?

Look, all of this other stuff is distracting you from the point in hand. The school has a dress code. Your son is in breach of it. You can either bring him back in line, or allow him to remain in breach of it. Parenting issues (or lack of) notwithstanding, what message are you going to give your son today?

"5. Finally, but most importantly, teachers are in the position of parents/guardians while you are in school"

Can you imagine if a teacher took it upon themselves to cut a child's hair?

I was going to say 'individuals', but that didn't sounded quite right, so I went with 'statements'. Obviously not of EN....

TLES, it is just that you have been ranting about the same thing for years now, and you only ever seem to hear the advice of people who agree with you. The fact that you are still talking about buying him presents to bribe him into a haircut suggests to me that you have never actually broken your pattern of acting like a helpless bystander in his upbringing.

That is why your threads always get hundreds of replies- because people keep hoping that you will see the light and start changing your approach.

The thing is TLES, even with a background of a diagnosis of some kind, it is up to you to learn how to deal with it. You can't just sit back and say 'well, he has xyz' and ignore his terrible manipulative behaviour

I have a son with a learning/behavioral issue too and I have to be 20 times more strict and on the case with him than I do with my others

From tiny when I knew there was a problem, from diagnosis and all the way through to now. He does not get away with bad behaviour. It's hard and there has been screaming and shouting but (and this may sound awful but it's the only way) he doesn't win. No letting little things slide, no backing down and being very very consistent. Even now, a 6ft young man, he knows he has to tow the line. It has been hard, it is still hard - maybe even harder now - BUT he still loves me and respects me

You musn't let his diagnosis/es be the reason you sit on your laurels, he can be turned around and you are the only person who can do it

TLES, I understand that you think the school are over reacting to what you consider to be a minor alteration to an existing haircut. Perhaps they are, but it's a point of discipline.

From reading the problems you've had in the past, it sounds like you and your son are getting on track and making progress and the school will pay a large part in that. If he's happy and doing well there, then perhaps you just need to bite the bullet and go along with the rules, particularly since it's just a haircut and not something that will scar him for life.

I can understand that you're cheesed off that this has created a scene with your DS that you would rather avoid at this point in time, but not following rules does have consequences and it's an important lesson in life.

I'm not sure now that you will make any headway with your DS regarding getting a haircut, that's a shame because it could have been a great opportunity to stand firm and reinforce your confidence in his school, which he will need if he is to continue to get on.

Undermining the authority of the school, no matter how petty you may think they are being, will almost certainly lead to more discipline issues and unhappiness.

ok so going back to the ORIGINAL thread topic today.

I told DS he was having his hair cut or he would have to miss the rest of the week at school, the school heard his tantrum when they phoned and even though I told them he was staying home until it had grown out they insisted he came in tomorrow and they would put him in the unit.

I am not happy with this and the school know this.

So go and get his hair cut! So he doesn't have to go into the unit! Argh!

Baloon Slayer - you've got me confused with someone else I think - I don't Home ed.

TLES, points have been made here that I think you could do well to ponder.

You knew your son had had a haircut last night, you had not seen it, the school phoned to say the haircut was inappropriate and he was being sent home. In these circumstances, I would have thought "what HAS bil done to his hair?". But you thought the school were being arses. Why? Why did you not think that his haircut may have made the style cross the line from just-acceptable-at-a push (a mohican aged 11?) to not-allowed? Not having a go at you, just pointing out that you made an unconscious choice of who to side with before you'd even seen the haircut.

The school has said he can come back and work in the TORR, which you accept. As has been pointed out, this could have a long-standing effect on how he is perceived by his peers, how they will react to him, how he sees himself. Would going back to the classroom after being in TORR involve ?losing face?? Could it encourage him, albeit subconsciously, to act up at school more? In short, do you really think it is a good idea that he go back to school with the Mohican on this basis? Would it not be better to insist on the haircut (get bil to do it again) and get him into the classroom.

A haircut may seem minor on the face of it, but as has been said many times, you are teaching him to kick-up and get his own way. I would say you are making a rod for your own back, but you know you made that rod a long time ago, you are working to get rid of it, you need to remain consistent and you need to get rid of the Mohican. If not, I would keep him off school on Sports Day, he does not get that treat.

you chose the school
you gave the kid a silly haircut
you knew the drill

equating it to an ADULTs haircut is stupid

''ok so going back to the ORIGINAL thread topic today.

I told DS he was having his hair cut or he would have to miss the rest of the week at school, the school heard his tantrum when they phoned and even though I told them he was staying home until it had grown out they insisted he came in tomorrow and they would put him in the unit.''

So remind me, are you going to cut his hair tonight, as you have told him, or are you just going to leave it as it is?

TVM

Sorry MrsWobble. I think the poster I'm confusing you with is MrsWobbleTheWaitress (or was for a while) and I thought she had abbreviated her name

TLE I feel for you, really I do. I know how it feels to be worn out, run down and to give in for an easier life. You are getting a hard time here (rightly or wrongly), but it is AIBU. Maybe you should have posted elsewhere if you wanted sympathy or advice.

You asked if you were BU. Most people said you were (including me) and you originally agreed when you saw his hair and said it needed sorting on top.

Don't waste your time posting further here and arguing pointlessly. You either agree with what's been said and will get his hair sorted. Or you don't and are happy for him to decide and to sit in the (whatever the special name for detention room is). Remeber that before they said that you were ok for him to sit home for the rest of the week.

Save your energy for dealing with your ds, because you've argued quite a lot here which shows you have plenty of fight left in you. Don't worry about those here any more. Go and deal with what need sto be dealt with, namely your ds.

Get his hair cut asap and back to normal lessons. Use your fighting talk to deal with that.

Good luck

TLES, I haven't read any of your previous posts so I am only referring to what you have posted. I am not going to throw any of the previous issues back in your face which you seem to think other people are doing.
You knew your DS had his sides "thinned out", with proper thinning scissors or clippers? With clippers it was cut not thinned.
If your DS had his hair cut to 2 at the sides in May the top wouldn't have been too long as it would have to be blended in, (I am a hairdresser) if your BIL last night thinned/cut the sides last night but left the top it would have looked pretty outrageous so it is not the same issue as back in May.
YWBU to be going mad about the school sending him home when for all you knew he could have had random bits shaved off.
If you fail to compromise with the school about a hair cut you have no right to complain about where they put him.
If you feel you need to bribe him to have a hair cut then go ahead, your kid, your choice.
I hope between yourself and the school you are able to sort something out but I do find parents saying "Sit still or you will end up with no ears" helps an awful lot.

MrsWobble- I thought the same, fwiw. I'm sorry if you've had the name for ages, but it is confusing. If you are not too attached to it, perhaps you should think about changing?