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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the school are being arses?

379 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 19/07/2010 09:08

For the last 6 weeks DS1 has had a mohican (sp) yesterday my bil thinned the sides out as ds1's hair is very thick and curly.

Now I have not seen his hair today as he stayed with my mum last night, but at 8.30 the school phoned to say he was on his way home for having an inappropriate hair cut which they feel will affect his learning ????????

How the hell can a haircut affect learning ffs

OP posts:
Morloth · 19/07/2010 16:18

But you still keep saying how it isn't your fault, there is nothing you can do etc.

In this particular instance, just this one there was something you could do and instead you let the tantrum work and had the rules bent.

If DS got himself an inappropriate haircut from my brother (easily a possibility, given my brother) and was sent home from school the next day because of it he would be going back to school the next day with a normal cut, even though I think it is a bit of a dumb rule. Because I think it is important that he sees the authorities in his life behaving consistently.

ivykaty44 · 19/07/2010 16:22

they could hear DS1 and that is when they said it is not worth stressing over and that he can go to school tomorrow*

So it is the school that are backing down...have I got that right?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/07/2010 16:24

Ivy yes the school said send him back tomorrow and he can work in the TORR. (time out and reflection room)

OP posts:
scaredoflove · 19/07/2010 16:30

Being sent to the 'unit' can be seen as a badge of honour, he now has a ridiculous hair style, undermined you and the school and now has the naughty/hard boy tag at school

This is not the ideal situation for a boy with behaviour issues

Picking your battles is wise but that advice is about the battles with your son, not the school. You need to stand up to him, issues or no issues. Give him the choice...kitchen scissors or barbers

When he is 16 and standing a head above you, you will need to have laid the ground to be able to stand your ground. Believe me, I have a son with a learning disability and a 6footer shouting at you, is highly intimidating! Luckily, my son knows where the lines are

FGS stand up to him and let him know he can't rule the world

GiddyPickle · 19/07/2010 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/07/2010 16:37

You know I do listen to advice and I do my best to put everything in its right place iyswim.

I am worn out and at times don't know whether I am coming or going.
I have explored so many avenues and have finally found an outlet who are giving me practical help with him. I have sat through numerous meetings recently and learnt a lot. I have been totally honest and DS1 has been as well which has surprised me.

This in the grand scheme of his behaviour a minor detail when I compare it to say...I don't know - his fun in carving walls with kitchen knives.

He has calmed down in general a bit but not much tbh it is a working progress but we will get there.

I never once said to him he can keep his hair the way it is and I was happy. I have been coaxing him since 10am when i posted to say i had spoken to the school that was when i got off the phone from them. and they backed down not me. I was still fighting to get him to the barbars

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 19/07/2010 16:42

I don't get why he was screaming etc about having his hair cut when he had allowed your BIL to cut it for him. Does he normally have issues about haircuts? I can see that he would prefer to have his hair one way rather than another, but this seems like a massive over-reaction to you telling him he was to get it cut.

Also, the school don't seem to be helping here - either it was important enough to send him home for the day, or it wasn't. If it was a problem today, why is it ok tomorrow?

Even if a rule is a bit daft, they really need to be consistent about it once they've applied it. The only lesson your DS will be learning from this is that he can get his own way by tantrumming, which is something you try to teach them won't work back when they are toddlers.

StayFrosty · 19/07/2010 16:44

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scaredoflove · 19/07/2010 16:44

TLES - the school haven't backed down, he will be in the unit until school ends. This will give him a status at school from his peers.

Please rethink this, get the hair cut and send him back into his proper classes

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/07/2010 16:50

Yes he went on the bus with dp who was driving and he dropped him off when he came back near home. DP wanted to hear what had happened.

Why was I going to give him a bollocking? because in may I allowed him to have a hair cut which today has been deemed inappropriate.

He always kicks off about having his hair cut always has done. The last time it took 5 hours.

Yes I will defend myself and therefore it stops being light hearted. I still think the school over reacted by sending him home as they are letting him go back tomorrow. The only thing said was when he returns to yr 8 he needs a different style.

I was all for shaving it off today in fact I was hoping bil had slipped yesterday and shaved it all off.

I am at the end of my tether with him because some days even following all the advice I am getting in RL I feel I am fighting a losing battle.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/07/2010 16:53

SOL if and I mean this in the best possible way, you honestly think you can get him to the barbers then please you have my permission to do so. Because I am not able to carry him there or drag him there....god only knows i wish i was!!!

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 19/07/2010 17:03

Why not get BIL over to neaten it up? Your DS can't have made that much fuss while he was trimming the sides, else he surely wouldn't have done it.

seeker · 19/07/2010 17:05

In what universe is a Mohican an acceptable hair style for an 11 year old boy anyway?

Morloth · 19/07/2010 17:05

But he let your brother cut his hair?

School rings, says haircut inappropriate.
You either pick up boy or he gets bus home.
You get haircut sorted ASAP, either at barber/or at your brothers.
If there is time that day boy goes back to school.

It is a stupid rule, but by not complying with it you have reinforced his ideas that the rules are simply not for him.

If he kicks and screams and you physically cannot cut his hair, then he gets grounded for the week. No school (annoying) but I would go for the "You don't leave your room for anything other than bathroom and meals" type thing.

As it isn't his fault and they have changed part way through, I would have sweetened the hair cut with a promises that next week when there is no school he can get his mohawk cut back in.

Carrot and stick, but he does what he is told.

DandyLioness · 19/07/2010 17:09

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Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/07/2010 17:11

Morloth, he wouldn't have been able to have it cut back in that was his problem.

I promised to buy him a new game, a new cd he wanted or anything else i could think of but i just couldn't get him to the barers
and bil is at work or i would have taken him there.

I do not want the stress from the school or DS so I was looking for a happy medium. I even emailed to ask if i trimmed it could he go back the answer was no. yet they were the ones who said send him back.

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 19/07/2010 17:13

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ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 19/07/2010 17:14

I have a DS who is very challenging. The only thing that works is firm, consistant boundary fixing. If you allow him to bend minor rules, he will attempt to break major ones. It does seem that ypou post here a lot about your DS's problems, yet don't want any advice. What is it you want people to say?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/07/2010 17:14

Dandy, I never asked them to listen. The head asked what was wrong because she could hear him I replied this is because I am taking him to get his hair cut.
She then said "its not worth stressing for 4 days send him in tomorrow"

OP posts:
singersgirl · 19/07/2010 17:14

To be honest, with all the difficulties you and he are clearly having, it seems a bit unwise to have let him have such a confrontational hairstyle in the first place. He's only 11. Presumably when he got his hair cut like that originally you (or another responsible adult) were with him.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/07/2010 17:15

Chicken, I take all the advice but a lot of the time i just need to get things off my chest. I need to vent before i explode.

OP posts:
Morloth · 19/07/2010 17:15

If he got the middle cut down to match the sides, say a no. 2 then next week he could have the sides shaved for all it mattered.

These are details though, take him to BIL tonight. Also I said sweeten the deal (i.e. to do with his hair) not bribe him, because that will make him believe kicking off about stuff=goodies.

All is not lost, get his hair done tonight by BIL and then he can have a normal week at school.

BalloonSlayer · 19/07/2010 17:15

Sorry but if he won't go to the barbers how the hell did he end up with a mohican?

Did your BIL cut it?

Why did your BIL give an eleven year old a mohican?

FFS

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/07/2010 17:16

Singers yes back in May DP was with him and the school never said anything even though i had plenty of meetings with them. That is what got me tbh

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 19/07/2010 17:17

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