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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the school are being arses?

379 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 19/07/2010 09:08

For the last 6 weeks DS1 has had a mohican (sp) yesterday my bil thinned the sides out as ds1's hair is very thick and curly.

Now I have not seen his hair today as he stayed with my mum last night, but at 8.30 the school phoned to say he was on his way home for having an inappropriate hair cut which they feel will affect his learning ????????

How the hell can a haircut affect learning ffs

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 19/07/2010 19:52

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Morloth · 19/07/2010 19:53

Yes Mummy03, it isn't as though any of us having been watching for years as this little boy's life is thrown around, it isn't as though we give a fuck or anything like that...

We all just want to make TLES feel bad, I know that is the only reason I sometimes want to scream at the monitor when she posts about her DS1.

Because StayFrosty is right, today it is the school being unreasonable and in a week or two DS1 will be being a horror and TLES will have no idea why.

Round and round and round.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/07/2010 19:53

Runaway so am I to assume that as other children in the school who are black have the same, similar and more outrageous hairstyles that it is ok because they are black yet my son is white??

And before anyone asks how i know, it was only last week i was at parents evening and saw plenty of children with the same style.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/07/2010 19:55

Dandy, no because it is a subject they are covering throughtout the school as i said earlier.

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 19/07/2010 19:56

Good point BG. My DS1 (who is 13) was on "internal exclusion" at school last week (for play fighting which got out of hand*) and believe me; I wasn't calling the school "arses" for having handed out a punishment; I was FULLY SUPPORTIVE of them in front of him, AND to the school.

*and some might say the punishment was disproportionate; I know one of the other parent's of the boys involved complained that it was unfair, and refused to punish her child at home.

I just roll my eyes.

LadyBiscuit · 19/07/2010 19:56

TLES - you don't stop him from reading books or watching videos that are age inappropriate. You say 'oh well there's nothing that I can do about those things, he'd find them anyway. Those are things that are a part of having boundaries. Because there is a huge difference between trying to put that sort of thing out of reach but accepting that sometimes our children may find material that isn't age appropriate (or doing whatever - this is simply one aspect) and just allowing to do/read/watch whatever the fuck they want with a shrug of 'what can I do about it?' I'm not talking about punishment but about the bits where we all make decisions for our children which you don't seem to do. Before the punishment bit is reached.

DanJARMouse · 19/07/2010 19:56

How do you know they havent been sent home also?! You dont.

top worrying about OTHER KIDS and start sorting out your own issues.

Follow the consistent advice on here, and things will improve.

Or continue to ignore and have a complete waste of space for a son in a few years time who will be out drinking on the streets at all hours, getting involved in gang culture and maybe end up dead.

We all have a responsibility to raise well behaved, society acceptable children.

RunawayWife · 19/07/2010 19:59

No TLES that is not what I am saying at all,
If the rule is not flash hairstyles it should apply to everyone, black, white it makes no difference.

LIZS · 19/07/2010 19:59

Not read it all but isn't this the school with a strict uniform code which would n't even let him start without the full kit . If so I'm not sure why you would expect there to be flexibility on hair cuts You must have known he was pushing the boundaries .

DandyLioness · 19/07/2010 19:59

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AvidDiva · 19/07/2010 19:59

TLES, the only way you are ever going to actually get to grips with this situation is to stop focusing on your son and, instead, focus your attention on you, your feelings, your behaviour and your issues.

This isn't one incident, it's one in a long line of very similar incidents. You have asked, over the years, how to handle it, specifically you've asked how to change his behaviour. Until you accept, truly accept, that this isn't about him but about your relationship with him, nothing will change. Until you can admit that you have to change first, then nothing will change.

Many posters have said this to you during the course of many threads over several years. It's not a message that you really want to hear.

Admitting that you are on the wrong track and have to make fundamental changes is not that scary, unless your sense of who you are and what you're 'worth' is quite fragile.

Your behaviour in these threads and the dynamic you display with posters who challenge you mirrors the issues you vent about when it comes to your son.

You can't help your son unless you help yourself first. You can't expect him to recognise, accept and change his behaviour if you're unable to. You're his parent and his role model, you have to lead the way.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 19/07/2010 20:00

but are you going to sort his hair tonight?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 19/07/2010 20:01

(this is like shootin' fish in a barrel)

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 19/07/2010 20:01

firstly i do not think it is fine he is in TORR i am not happy about it but i am worn out with trying to get him to the barbers 2 doors away.

I don't remember saying he was not in his bed???

He was given the option of having a bribe as i wanted to get the poxy hair cut off but it didn't work.

His life has not been thrown around at all.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 19/07/2010 20:02

AvidDiva, brilliant post.

DandyLioness · 19/07/2010 20:04

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BelligerentGhoul · 19/07/2010 20:06

But the fact that you gave the bribe at all was giving him the message that screaming gets him rewards. Surely you can see how that might be read? If not, then there really is little point in all of these people trying to offer you advice that you clearly don't want to hear.

If he's in bed, good.

ShirleyKnot · 19/07/2010 20:07

You can't give a child the "option of a bribe"! Honestly this is bloody lunacy.

I find your utter refusal to engage with those parents on here who have children with similar issues to your DS completely bewildering and jaw droppingly dense.

The help is here - you keep refusing to take it. You keep posting on AIBU when you know you're going to get people telling you that you ABU, and you just keep on doing it. I don't get it.

Are you wearing a ball-gag as we speak? Because this behaviour of yours is really baffling, TLES, and the only reason I can think of is that you are into SM.

Morloth · 19/07/2010 20:07

TheLadyEvenstar "His life has not been thrown around at all."

Right, I give up.

scaredoflove · 19/07/2010 20:08

*The return call was from the head of house who heard his tantrum and him shouting about his hair. She said to me what is happening and I explained I wanted some work sent home for him as he was refusing to get it cut.

She then said to me that she wanted him in school tomorrow and as he wouldn't have his hair cut he could sit in TORR for the rest of the week*

The school didn't back down then, they have punished him further by sending him to the 'unit'. They heard he wouldn't conform, so acted

You are seeing this as no problem, the unit is not to let him stay in school with said hair, it's telling him he isn't getting away with it

Please listen to the people here, you have a very short time to turn this around, soon hormones will be raging and I promise you, he will be a 1000 times more difficult - puberty turns the most delightful children into raging maniacs

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 19/07/2010 20:10

Hi TLES

Sorry pet, you are getting alot of grief on your thread. The thing that you need to do is get his hair cut. I know there's nothing in the school rules, they have told you that it's not acceptable, it needs cutting. Don't compare his haircut to other people's, they are not your responsibility. Your son needs to learn this lesson and you need to back the school up on this, no matter how difficult it is. You are a team, your son is still a child. Allowing him to return to school in isolation is a compromise, they are not backing down. It doesn't matter if he's had this haircut for a while, they have asked for it to be cut now and this is all that matters.

whomovedmychocolate · 19/07/2010 20:11

School is not an arse. Your BiL is an arse for putting as mohican on an 11 year old. Similarly, you chose this style for him previously according to you, so pop a suitable label on yourself, there's a dear!

He is being punished for this at school by being segregated, he may not think of it as a punishment but you ought to - and it's not a nothing thing either, each time the teachers have to go to special lengths to help a teenager, they lower their aspirations for him just a little bit. Do you want them to give up on him and just assume he'll be a little ASBO kid in a few years?

You will also be getting a rep as a 'no-idea/hope' parent because you can't discipline your own child. It's clear they already have that impression as they have offered to take him back and punish him at school because you seem unable to do it at home.

Stop ranting about how unreasonable life is and the school is. Inconsistency happens, so what. It's just possible the head had other things on his mind or hadn't seen your son for a while. Perhaps he was being a little sod which is why he came to attention and his haircut was noted? Doesn't really matter.

You back the school up wholeheartedly or you lose their support. Period.

Get some respect for yourself - you are in charge here, not him.

BelligerentGhoul · 19/07/2010 20:11

'I am not happy but I am worn out' - so, you are giving in for an easier life?

Please, please understand that this is really not going to help him. It just attempts to abdicate responsibility.

I was a Head of Year for many, many years. I have seen many, many mothers of boys give in and fail to support the school and make excuses and fail to be consistent and fail to provide boundaries and generally be ineffective. Those mothers generally come crying in Yr 11 when they have no idea how to control their sons and by that time, it is generally too late. Your son is 11 - it isn't too late.

Goblinchild · 19/07/2010 20:15

Just as an aside, as the parent of an Aspie who has exhibited very challenging behaviour in the past, and has the potential to keep doing so, if you think you've got problems with him at 11, wait until he's 5'10 and 10 stone and 15.
Or the 6'+ boy I will have at 18.
Without boundaries and rules and above all, consistency with them, forming a good relationship, you will be stuffed.
He'll do what he likes and you will be physically unable to stop him. He will be a danger to himself and others he comes into contact with.
All you have is the relationship between you, and it needs to work.

Veraa · 19/07/2010 20:27

I'd like to pick up on a point made very early in this thread. You seemed a little concerned at one point about the fact that your DS was not home within the time frame you expected.

When he did arrive home he told you that he had got on your DP's bus and gone for a ride: quote 'lol'.

Must we assume from this that your DP, finding your DS sent home from school, took him for a ride on the bus, rather than giving him the bollocking (and you and the school the support) that was deserved?