To be livid about a police visit regarding the safety of my VERY SAFE children?!

[adamadamum]

It was my son's sixth birthday party yesterday. Only four kids plus their mums, I keep it small as I am on my own with them, my daughter has special needs and even for special occasions I can't manage to get all the housework done, so the house is never perfect and I generally only have kids who's mums I feel would not judge me for this, knowing my circumstances. Plus I don't want to bite off more than I can chew!

Anyway I foolishly invited a kid who's mum didn't know us that well, as my son wanted him to come. And she happens to work for social services. She did already know I'm a single mother, and my son's sister has special needs.

Today I had a visit from two very nice police officers, who (almost apologetically) explained they had recieved a call saying that my children may be in danger, that there were padlocks in the kitchen (there are child locks on some cupboards!) and that I am bipolar (I am not) and haven't been taking my medication!

They actually said that as soon as I opened the door it was obviously not the case! I told them the truth, I am not bipolar, though I do take antidepressants for mild "reactive" depression because of my circumstances.

They asked why there was talk of padlocks in the kitchen - I showed them the normal child safety locks on the cupboards, from Boots!

I do have bike chains on the legs of my dining chairs in the living room, held closed by padlocks (with my daughter having no sense of danger, I came up with this, linking one leg of each chair to a table leg, to stop her constantly moving chairs to reach things she shouldn't! I don't use them now but I've lost the keys to the padlocks!)Anyway I volunteered this information and they were happy with it!

Plus as I mentioned to the police officers, I liaise with the Children's Equipment And Adaptations Service regarding everything to do with my daughter's safety - they themselves actually put an extra door handle, high up on her bedroom door, to more or less "lock her in" her room at nigh, it was essential for her safety, and I got the fire service to put a smoke alarm in her room. That's real bad mother stuff!!!!!

How would YOU react to the mum you are pretty sure made that call? I sadly see her regularly at the school gate....
Anyway, I know that no other mum would have made that call, two know me, and my circumstances very well, and the third I have chatted with today, in detail, including all this stuff. She even tried to get advice for me about how to deal with it, so I think it's very unlikely to be her.

If it wasn't that woman who works for social services, then I am sure it is malicious, from one of, or both my next door neighbour and the girl who lived in the same flat before her! I have always got on really well with all of my neighbours, but many years ago the first girl who lived in the flat next door became obsessed with my daughter (foolishly but through no choice I accepted her offer to have my daughter when I went into hospital to have my son. Unfortunately I was in hospital for longer than expected, and she became really attached to my daughter, it's a long story but let's say after I had my son I was amazed when she blanked me in the street, she then made up lies about me to get herself rehoused into a 3 bedroom house. Everyone wondered how she got that house!!!

Unfortunately when she moved out, the current tenant.... knows her! Will have had plenty of chats with her no doubt! She is a little oddly behaved at times, she accused me in the past of spying into her flat (which I had already been into anyway, so why would I want to!!) with a mirror, with my back to the flat, so looking into her flat via the mirror! I tried to reason with her to no avail.

Then after months of her giving me nasty looks she spoke to me one day, because she wanted to gossip about the very nice, respectable woman who used to live in the flat above her - because this nice woman's sister had got on the Jeremy Kyle show, kind of making sure that other family members had to be there. That sister said (and I know it wasn't true0 that the nice woman's children were fathered by their brother... My neighbour said "did you know she had incest with her brother and he's the father of her kids"

Though I knew that to be wrong, I was just grateful that she had ended this stupid thing of not talking to me, even though she didn't apologize.

About a month ago she knocked on my door accusing me of complaining to the school about her daughter, who I had just had playing in my garden... I had complained to the school for not letting my son and her daughter play together as they shared a playground and played together at home, because her daughter told me they were not allowed to play together! No explaination would make any difference. I said something like "I'm sorry it seems that way to you" after explaining like mad, her reply was "You will be"

Since then she has given me nasty looks on the school run and last week she and the ex neighbour bumped into eachother on the way to school, walking just behind me.... Makes me wonder.

Also, about my neighbour and me spying on her, my nice neighbour on the other side, when I told her, said "You must have been standing on something then!" I fogot how high the fence is between nasty neighbour and me. I actually went into the garden and tried it, all I could see was fence!!!!

Oh yes, and her daughter had apparrently lied about not being allowed to play with me. She got told off for telling lies, which is probably what that was all about!

I get on well with all of my other neighbours, what a nsty coincidence that after one nasty neighbour moved out, someone who fraternizes (sp) with her moves in...

I doubt if my old friend who was at the party would have made such a call, she knows my circumstances very well (but I can't be 100% sure as she has shown resentment regarding my DLA payments for my daughter in the past), and the other two adult guests are pretty unlikely. One is just plain lovely, a little alternative in her own lifestyle in a way, and stayed for at least an hour after the others had gone. The only other is the other woman I texted and asked the same question, very nicely, as i had the social work woman (ie "was it you?") and we have chatted loads since then, she is as natural as before, I'd expect at least a slight change of behaviour towards me if it was her.

Without working out who is the culprit I will feel like I can't trust anyone.

This won't help but be aware and don't rule anyone out as they seem nice or distrust someone because of past experiences.

Don't wanna say too much but a dc I know apparently told a teacher at school I had done something and his mum was called. Instead of telling the truth she fabricated a story and added bits such as my ds saying I didn't love him (he was 3 btw and didn't comphrehend what this meant). She told another friend of mine who went to hers. Other friend was texing me that evening about my day and I was saying shit etc and had some interesting news and she was pretending to know nothing but it- altho obvious from the texts and not answering her phone she knew. Anyway ss visited and apologised for upsetting me and said some people are malicious when given the oppotunity. They had no case as it was fabricated and I never heard another thing.

Its an awful thing and really makes you nervous about shouting disiplining after but be reasuured you can come through this.

personally I wouldn't clear the sw friend yet as trying to get the police to tell you it wasn't her seems dodgy to me. But then again once bitten....

Hope all goes well tomorrow and keep us posted.

Thanks mumbar

Only just got to this thread but wanted to add my experience.

My DS is 11 and has autism. He has a sturdy door which locks to prevent him escaping into other bedrooms, keeping dd's awake. Or to stophim escaping out into the garden in the middle of the night. Or to stop him flooding the bathroom, again.
We had a workman in to repair the boiler and ds was kicking and shouting, I went up to shush him as little dd was asleep. I did shout to him to 'shut up', the softly softly approach doesn't work with him. and then unlocked his door and went in.

The next morning at 9am 2 Child Protection Officers came round as electrician had claimed we lock him up all day(it was 8pm) and are nasty to him. The sesrched the house and told us his room was a disgrace, he has picked off most of the paint, attacked the plaster, broken the light fittings and his bed has no sheets as he can't tolerate them. I tried to explain this was all due to his autism but they dismissed that and told me they had no experience with autism but that we were wrong to do what we were doing.

The CPO who did the final report was more understanding and had worked with autistic kids so knew some of the problems we faced. She still tried to get us to take the locks off the bedroom doors and thought it would be better to have ds in an unlocked room but with a lockable door on the top of our stairs.
She also cleared ds of being in danger but told us she couldn't clear his 1 year old sister andf might have to do a report on her.

I was realy pissed off that someone made a snap decision that we were not caring for our son in an appropriate way but I think I would be more pissed off if people were discouraged from making complaints as in some cases it could save a childs life.

From the initial CPO report we have been able to access more services which has made life a bit easier for us. Maybe the same will happen for you, and this time I hope you get more sympathetic SW's. If it does then you can tell this woman it was a right PITA being accused but at least they are helping you out more so you would love to thank the person who complained about you.

I really hope everything works out well for you.

What a nightmare Debs. Thing is though I would not use any services that have to go through social services anyway.

At least one thing is nice to know. Yesterday I told the lovely driver and escort who take my daughter to school. This morning they said they would be more than happy to act as character references for me, and for me to give them their numbers. They've known us for 3 years and said themselves that it's obvious that I'm a good mother and that my children dote on me.

THERE HAS BEEN AN INTERESTIG, AND UPSETTING DEVELOPMENT! sory for shouting but it means a lot to me...
Well I had the social services visit today, they were in fact really nice and I certainly think from everything they said, that they were satisfied that I am a good mum and my children are happy, healthy and well looked after! I espected them to look all over the house but they didn't, probably because it was so obvious that everything was fine, and I was very open with them!

Afterwards we went to the recreational park, it's at the end of our street (a cul de sac, we are almost at the end near the park)

All going well, no nasty rough kids around, it was bliss. My son on his scooter wanted to explore other nearby places. We have done this before. No problem, just a young kid wanting to get about!
So he wanted to go down this lane (which is not exactly privately owned, it's part of the housing association estate) and suddenly this woman appears from far away (about five houses down) shouting "you can't go there!"
I said my son is only exploring, and we've been down there before, and we do live locally!
"I don't care where you live!"

She came out of her house and followed us as if we were criminals. A well dressed woman, a little girl with special needs, and a six year old boy... At that point I decided to use the sound recorder on my mobile phone, and boy am I glad.

We did a bit more walking around and then went back towards our house. Then the nasty next door neighbour was suddenly shouting about me taking pictures of her mother's "back" as she called it!

She had also enlisted her sister, they were accusing me of harrassing her, and staring through her window at night! Funnily I had grown giant sunflowers between her garden and mine so I didn't have to see her...

I said that's enough, I will be complaining about you. Guess what she said? Well I've already complained about you...

What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

She sounds insane. I have no idea what you should do. Record it with the police maybe?

Glad the SS visit went well - must be a relief.

I may do that tomorrow, phoe the police and at least get it recorded.

I hate the way some people try to treat public spaces as private property -- being told you can't just go for a walk in your own neighbourhood & .

I'm pleased the SS visit went well for you - what happens next?

In your situation I would call the local police station and ask them to send someone around to talk to you, get him to listen to the recording and show him her house, where you were walking etc - get it on record, you may need it one day

Interesting thread

I used to be in a post allied to ssd and would never have made a erport, professionally or privately, without a chat unless I felt in danger; it would have been a sackable offence anyway

I have loads of adaptations like yours- including a lock on the bedroom; SSD know about this, and are OK with it (same reasons as you).

I'd complain. That phone recorder alone could get her sacked and good.

As for the SSD visit don't worry, they ahve to visit and technically should check upstairs so if they don't they are very cool about it indeed.

Keep a record of all the visits and incidents, like a diary.

Also make sure you have letters from SS saying the house adaptations are because of X and they endorse them. This iwll help if you get any more visits.

You can then use these to proves harassment and prevent further visits.

I had a neighbour who was always reporting us for having plants growing over the wall and onto the pavement. In the end I did a FOI request to the coucil to show that the council officers had visited my house 12 times in 3 years, 3 times more than they visited any other house for such things and this constitued undue harassment, with which they were assisting, especially when 4 other houses in the road have plants growing into the path and they never got a visit or a letter.

If you keep a full record that all these reports to CPO/SS/police are malicious then hopefully the SS etc will stop hassling you so much. Unfortunately, the procedure is, if they get a complaint, they have to follow it up. You could ask the head of SS what the process is if someone is being reported maliciously...I'd get it on record that there are people making trouble for you and the complaits are groundless so your file contains all details concerning the harassment you are getting.

Sounds awful - what a vile woman.

I am glad your SS visit went well.
I have been thinking about this thread a lot.
It worries me because of our locked cuboard in the kitchen, the lockable (not locked but lockable) bedroom door and the chains on the bathroom and my bedroom door (the security type door chains).
We also have a baby video monitor in DS's bedroom.

What do people think of these things? The things we do to keep our DS safe and allow him some freedom (if we didnt have these things I wouldnt be able to let him out of my sight).

Mrsdevere You are doing what needs to be done to keep your child safe. keep that in mind and don't care what other people say about the chains and locks.
Normal child safety measures don't work once kids are about 3 as they have worked out how to get around them.
We used door chains for a while and they were great as ds couldn't squeeze out. If there was a fire or emergency they only need a good hard shove and the door would open. Unfortunately as ds got older he could shove the door open and the fixings would fly out the door. he now has a lockable handle, like the ones you see in american programmes. It is fixed so he would need a key on the inside to lock or open it but from the outside you just have a switch. he is safe and secure in his room and we get some well needed sleep.

Thank you Debs

I know we are not OTT but people dont really have a clue what its like. Even I find it difficult to explain what DS is like.

He told me tonight that I told him 'to go and lie down in the road and get killed' [shocked] I really worry that he will say something like that to the wrong person.

I am not anti SS at all but I have seen what happens when the snowball starts rolling. It can become impossible to stop it.

Yes, I reported the very nasty incident to the police, the housing association and also called the social worker as I felt he should know about this. Bless him, he offered to come down to see me again, which I accepted.

He reassured me again that both he and his colleague were happy that everything was fine.
I can't wait to get my copy of the report. I might get copies done for certain individuals....

I've just finally had the visit from the police, well the local PCSO I think. She had firstly gone to see my nasty neighbour about it, who of course spouted the same rubbish as before about me "taking photo's of her mother's house" and all that stuff.

I played her two recordings from my mobile phone. The first was just to show her that I had put my phone on record at the time I was supposed to be taking these photos! You can't record sound and take photos at the same time! That bit had just dawned on me whilst she was here. Then I played her the recording of her and her sister verbally abusing me outside my house. Then I asked her to come into my garden with my mirror and see if she could see into her house with her back to nasty neighbour's window. She tried it and even though she was 2 inches taller than me, all she could see was the top of the window.
So now it is known that the excuses she gives for her behaviour are unfounded!

All she could do was advise me to avoid her (like I haven't been doing that already!), but at least I have reported it.

adamadamum - it is good that you have reported it and they have come around to see you both - it may make her think twice before doing anything so stupid again. It's horrible living next to people that are nasty

I'm pleased you got to the bottom of it and know who did it - it would have been awful to have kept assuming it was the other woman!

ThefirstmrsDeVere - I think people who have never had anything to do with children with SN probably do think you are OTT and that it's cruel etc - but, anyone that doesn't understand once you have shown/explained it to them, isn't worth your time. You really have to develop a thick skin don't you

glad you foudn out who it was and it's been noted re: her behaviour - tho i dont think it will end here....

but - why would you " not use any services that have to go through social services anyway" ??

some services eg respite etc you can only get thru SS referral (from children with disabilities team)

so sorry this has happened to you.