To be livid about a police visit regarding the safety of my VERY SAFE children?!

[adamadamum]

It was my son's sixth birthday party yesterday. Only four kids plus their mums, I keep it small as I am on my own with them, my daughter has special needs and even for special occasions I can't manage to get all the housework done, so the house is never perfect and I generally only have kids who's mums I feel would not judge me for this, knowing my circumstances. Plus I don't want to bite off more than I can chew!

Anyway I foolishly invited a kid who's mum didn't know us that well, as my son wanted him to come. And she happens to work for social services. She did already know I'm a single mother, and my son's sister has special needs.

Today I had a visit from two very nice police officers, who (almost apologetically) explained they had recieved a call saying that my children may be in danger, that there were padlocks in the kitchen (there are child locks on some cupboards!) and that I am bipolar (I am not) and haven't been taking my medication!

They actually said that as soon as I opened the door it was obviously not the case! I told them the truth, I am not bipolar, though I do take antidepressants for mild "reactive" depression because of my circumstances.

They asked why there was talk of padlocks in the kitchen - I showed them the normal child safety locks on the cupboards, from Boots!

I do have bike chains on the legs of my dining chairs in the living room, held closed by padlocks (with my daughter having no sense of danger, I came up with this, linking one leg of each chair to a table leg, to stop her constantly moving chairs to reach things she shouldn't! I don't use them now but I've lost the keys to the padlocks!)Anyway I volunteered this information and they were happy with it!

Plus as I mentioned to the police officers, I liaise with the Children's Equipment And Adaptations Service regarding everything to do with my daughter's safety - they themselves actually put an extra door handle, high up on her bedroom door, to more or less "lock her in" her room at nigh, it was essential for her safety, and I got the fire service to put a smoke alarm in her room. That's real bad mother stuff!!!!!

How would YOU react to the mum you are pretty sure made that call? I sadly see her regularly at the school gate....
Anyway, I know that no other mum would have made that call, two know me, and my circumstances very well, and the third I have chatted with today, in detail, including all this stuff. She even tried to get advice for me about how to deal with it, so I think it's very unlikely to be her.

am not sure exactly who the op is supposed to be putting in a complaint to?

If the call was made to the police and they came out within 24 hours then I would say that this woman believed that she had reason to think the children were at immediate risk.

What exactly was she supposed to do? I'm not saying that the op's children are in any danger at all, but if the woman in question was posting here saying she'd gone to a party and she had concerns about the welfare of the children the advice would be to refer to ss or the pollice if she thought the children were in immediate danger.

So while I can absolutely understand that the op is not happy about the turn of events, I'm not sure that the woman should be ridiculed quite so badly - she had concerns about children and she followed them up. And the police apparently don't share her concerns so there's nothing to worry about is there?

People are damned if they do and damned if they don't.

I would be surprised if that information is made available. Particularly if it is a (mistaken) referral made in good faith rather than a totally fabricated and malicious one.

My loving and endlessly patient best friend and her wonderful DH have had such terrible dealings with SS over their severely autistic son that I am inclined to think they all become rather twisted and unable to look at any situation in a normal way.how horrible for you though,to have had someone in your home who then reported you.My house is never pristine as I have a toddler at home full time and a five year old at home quite a bit of the time,neither have special needs and I still find it impossible to keep the house as clean and tidy as I would like it to be.surely that is normal life with young children?

morloth I understand where you are coming from but if it was the woman at the party, she would have been able to get a wider view of what was going on.

You wouldnt take a lock on a kitchen cupboard on its own, as a sign of abuse/neglect.

Locked cupboards + undernourished, frightened children + inappropriate clothes (summer dress in winter) = a call to ss.

The bipolar thing is odd though.

That makes me think it could be malicious and may not be anything to do with the SW the OP mentions.

SofiaAmes I like that, and I think you have worded it perfectly! Unfortunately I doubt if I could keep my cool enough to say it so well, so with your permission I might just copy what you have said and use it in a text!
Not quite the same but anger and eloquence don't always mix, do they! Thanks x

Sorry to take issue and veer slightly off-topic with this thread but, regardless of who reported what, having bipolar - or indeed any mental illness - does not make someone a bad parent any more than having any other illness does. Mismanagement of any illness makes it difficult to be an effective parent. The stigma surrounding mental illness means many sufferers go undiagnosed or are not provided with effective treatment which would enable them to be effective parents.

It was probably not malicious.....why assume it was? Padlocks in home raises questions. The OP has explained why the locks were there - no problem.

I think the issue of concern Faff was that she had allegedly stopped taking her medication.

I'd very calmly mention to her that the police have been round. I'd then ask her if she made the complaint. IF she admitted it was her (Doubt she will as she sounds like a coward if she did indeed do this) I would ask her why she didn't talk to you about it rather take such high-handed action. I would say that I found her behaviour disappointing and unproffesional given her background.I would also warn her that if she continues to make up scurrilous rumours about you (i.e. telling the police you 'bi-polar disorder) that you will take it further.

If she does admit it was her, I would possibly even be tempted to put in a complaint with her bosses about the rumours she started on the meds, just in case she decided to up the ante with any other SS involvement

nickschick the bike chains were the only things I could find to tether the legs of the chairs to the legs of the tables! If I didn't do that, my daughter would have been in danger!

OP - Assuming it was her - do you know how she came to her wrong conclusions about your mental illness?

Basic Child Protection training (likely to be attended by teachers, TAs, Governors) makes a big point of "Report anything you see or hear that makes you uncomfortable. Don't worry if you think you may be wrong, let professionals decide"

Really is that the case ? Note to self never to allow anyone over my front door again, guilty until proved innocent by the professionals it would seem

just imagine for a minute though that someone posted an op along these lines:

"yesterday ds went to a birthday party at the house of a child I don't know very well. Anyway when we arrived I was slightly shocked to see that all the kitchen cupboards appeared to be padlocked. I didn't pay much attention to this, but later on I went into the dining room, and discovered that all the dining chairs were chained to the table with bike chains and padlocks. I'm really concerned. Why would anyone need to do this? Am not sure what to do?"

Now forget about the op here and read that post and think about what you would think/how you would respond.

GiddyPickle the party was held in our living room (was supposed to be outside but crap weather!) and that's where the dining table and chairs are, so she may have noticed. She could have just asked though! she knows my daughter has SN so common sense should have made her realise that you sometimes have to do things a little differently with an SN child!

It's a good job she wasn't here last year, my daughter still had tube feeds and both my kids loved messing about with the millions of syringes we were supplied with (no needles, just syringes!) Imagine if they were lying around after a water fight!

Knowing that DD had SN why would she jump to the conclusion that locks were a concern. They were child safety locks not padlocks.

I didnt mean malicious, I used the wrong word - sorry.

I mean inappropriate or something. I am not sure it was the SW in question.

It sounds like someone has heard something 3rd hand and put two and two together and made 5.

Locks on doors, padlocks on chairs, mum takes medication......

If you were there and saw it in context why would you make a referral? Why would a SW who should know about CP thresholds - specially the bipolar bit. Doesnt make sense the more I think about it.

mamatomany the reason why people are advised to report concerns rather than speaking to the individual you are concerned about is because if a child really is at risk then those putting that child at risk have been warned that someone is on to them and might modify the way they appear to the outside world in order to remove any kind of suspicion from them.

faffaround I'm really sorry if I offended you. I agree with you, having bipolar does not make a mum a bad one. But to say I have it when I don't, plus i am not taking medication for it, that is what concerns me there!

wannabe - I know where you're coming from, but if you read the OP's subsequent posts, the doors aren't padlocked, they have normal childlocks.

As a parent of a child with autism, I can understand the OP's frustration. Other people may not appreciate why you have to take additional safety precautions with a child with SN, but she would only have had to have asked and would have had an explanation. Why report it straight to the police? It's cowardly and a nasty.

It's better to padlock chairs to a table than a child pulling a chair to a front door and letting themselves out/reaching something they shouldn't. And I'm not really sure how this puts the child at risk TBH. May look odd, but it's not neglect or abuse.

wannabe honestly I wouldnt jump to CP conclusions after reading that post.

I cant think of an abusive reason for padlocking chairs together.
Lots of people use child locks on kitchen cupboards.

Did the other mums at the party speak to her? Is it possible that they have been gossiping and mentioned to her your current health issues. Perhaps even passing over the information wrongly thereby leading to the bipolar, stopped medication scenario?

The police said "padlocks in the kitchen" - she was in your house, presumably in the kitchen, she wouldn't have seen any padlocks since there weren't any.

Tbh, I don't think it was this mother who reported you. The factual error makes it sound more like someone has misinterpreted something said to them, which has made them call the police.

I'd maybe do as has been already suggested, talk to one of the mums you're closer to in her hearing and gauge her reaction. It may well be news to her.

Thats what it sounds like to me adam.

You could ask the SW mum but I am not convinced its her TBH

wannaBe THE KITCHEN CUPBOARDS WERE NOT PADLOCKED! ONE OF THE CUPBOARDS HAD A BOOTS CHILD LOCK ON IT!!!