To be livid about a police visit regarding the safety of my VERY SAFE children?!

[adamadamum]

It was my son's sixth birthday party yesterday. Only four kids plus their mums, I keep it small as I am on my own with them, my daughter has special needs and even for special occasions I can't manage to get all the housework done, so the house is never perfect and I generally only have kids who's mums I feel would not judge me for this, knowing my circumstances. Plus I don't want to bite off more than I can chew!

Anyway I foolishly invited a kid who's mum didn't know us that well, as my son wanted him to come. And she happens to work for social services. She did already know I'm a single mother, and my son's sister has special needs.

Today I had a visit from two very nice police officers, who (almost apologetically) explained they had recieved a call saying that my children may be in danger, that there were padlocks in the kitchen (there are child locks on some cupboards!) and that I am bipolar (I am not) and haven't been taking my medication!

They actually said that as soon as I opened the door it was obviously not the case! I told them the truth, I am not bipolar, though I do take antidepressants for mild "reactive" depression because of my circumstances.

They asked why there was talk of padlocks in the kitchen - I showed them the normal child safety locks on the cupboards, from Boots!

I do have bike chains on the legs of my dining chairs in the living room, held closed by padlocks (with my daughter having no sense of danger, I came up with this, linking one leg of each chair to a table leg, to stop her constantly moving chairs to reach things she shouldn't! I don't use them now but I've lost the keys to the padlocks!)Anyway I volunteered this information and they were happy with it!

Plus as I mentioned to the police officers, I liaise with the Children's Equipment And Adaptations Service regarding everything to do with my daughter's safety - they themselves actually put an extra door handle, high up on her bedroom door, to more or less "lock her in" her room at nigh, it was essential for her safety, and I got the fire service to put a smoke alarm in her room. That's real bad mother stuff!!!!!

How would YOU react to the mum you are pretty sure made that call? I sadly see her regularly at the school gate....
Anyway, I know that no other mum would have made that call, two know me, and my circumstances very well, and the third I have chatted with today, in detail, including all this stuff. She even tried to get advice for me about how to deal with it, so I think it's very unlikely to be her.

I can understand that you are upset - my DH and I have had the same sort of thing happen to us.

Our DS woke up after sleeping through for weeks and weeks - we couldn't settle him so DH took him for a walk round the block sort of rocking him as he walked. It was about midnight and he called me to say out a bottle on as DS is hungry as he didn't settle.

We thought nothing of it, but someone had called the police as they had seen a man "jerking a baby about in a pushchair late at night and was saying 'I hate you, I hate you, I hate you'. Of course, my DH had not said anything, but the seargent my DH worked under as a Special Constable recognised the description of the man, and the area he was in and came round to have a chat. I was very open and said I had PND and was on medication etc and explained why my DH was walking around at night, and no, he didn't say 'I hate you' to DS. The seargent seemed satisfied but the next day we had a call from SS who had requested us to urgently meet the HV to check on welfare etc.

It was very scary and upsetting. We understand why someone called in, but that doesn't make it any better for you. I think the advice to just try to let it go is best - there is nothing to be gained from confronting this lady if it was her - you know that you are doing everything right for your children.

If you are wrong and it wasn't her and she denies this vehemently I think I can guarantee you are the one who is going to come out looking a bit mad if you give her a "public dressing down".

If she is the type to get riled up, you are going to declare war and before you know it there will be whispers of "no smoke without fire" and so on.

Someone thought there was something wrong in your home, you know there isn't, the investigating officers now know there isn't, I understand why you are freaked out/angry, but just don't do anything stupid to make your life/your DC's lives hard.

I find it interesting that she didn't reply to my text asking if it was her - and it was a very restrained, polite text in the circumstances! I would hate someone to think I'd done that to them, I'd be making sure it was known it wasn't me!
And surely she could have asked me what the chains were about, or even another mum? And once again the bipolar lie, it's hard not to be livid!

I understand being livid and not wanting anything further to do with her. But nothing good will come of taking it further.

I realise you must be really angry OP BUT it is really important that people don't just turn a blind eye to anything that could be dodgy.

There have been cases of food locked away and children denied food - obviously doesn't mean thats the case in your situ.

There have been cases of children tied to furniture - again not the case in your situ but maybe she wondered if thats what the chains were for but was reluctant to ask.

There have been cases of children locked in their rooms who have been unable to escape and perished in fires - this happened nearby locally a few years back - parents with mild LD didn't think through fire escapes - a visit from SS / Police /Fire and Rescue would have saved the lives of those two boys.

So while you are fuming I hope that whoever did report you did it wth the best interests of your DC

I have a child with ASD - we have damaged walls / furniture etc, he's set fire to stuff, tried to run off in traffic etc so I understand that you have to make adaptions

Poor you, you are doing your best for your children to keep them safe and someone who doesn't seem to know much about your situation, whoever they were, decides to report you. I'd be surprised if it was the mother who works for SS, though because I'd expect her to have come across similar situations before.

Can only sympathise. Pre-children I was a HV, I've had to name change to admit this on MN . The reason I mention this is because I did come across families with children with SN who had to make 'unusual' arrangements to keep their children and other family members safe. We usually had a discussion about it because they were more than willing to use more conventional approaches in the first place it was just that these were often inadequate and so they had to be a bit more creative.

Anyway the reason I'm telling you about this is because I did once receive a call from SS because someone had reported a family for a particular provision they had made for keeping their child in her room at night. It seemed that the 'reporter' it was inappropriate and the child was 'locked' in. Because the child's mother had shown it to me and we had been able to discuss why she had felt it necessary to take this step I was able to back her up. I'd also made a note in the HV records about our earlier discussions. Quite frankly, I think she had done an amazing job in a very difficult situation. Depending on your relationship with your HV, it might be worth talking to her about it.

You don't know that it was this woman who reported you, you're jumping on her because of the timing. Do the police respond that fast? Even if they're meant to I would doubt it.They came on a Sunday, could this have been the time picked to ensure you would be in and they had been contacted earlier this week? And they had the manpower available?

No matter how justifiably livid you are at someone reporting you on what looks on the face of it to be a chinese whisper (there were no padlocks in the kitchen so whoever reported you has not actually been in your kitchen) you will be acting very unreasonably if you confront/dress down in public this woman, who is in all probability innocent. You will, as has already been pointed out, invite the no-smoke-without-fire brigade to gossip about you. It makes no sense to do this.

So she didn't respond to your text. So what? Do you text her regularly? Do you know how quickly she normally responds? Do you know if she switches her phone on at all on a Sunday? Or is it in her handbag upstairs? We don't all live by the cellphone, mine hasn't even been switched on for over a week now. Even if she has seen it, how was it worded? Would it have necessarily seemed to her to require a response? Could she have looked at it and thought 'what can I say to that?'? You may have thought it polite, but from her side would it have seemed so? Or could she have looked at it and thought 'cheeky cow, how dare she accuse me of such a thing!'?

Calm yourself and look at it coolly and logically. You've had excellent advice here on how you could approach her, most recently from PrettyCandles - "Surely it would be far better to speak openly, to tell her what happened, quite straightforwardly, and ask her 'You're in SS, can you explain to me how something like this can happen?'"

LimaCharlie I think we'd all agree with you but for the lying about the medication part.

I was reported maliciously recently, not quite such serious concerns as to arouse child protection response, and found out easily who it was. Bizarre allegations. Quite reassuring to be given the all clear, but then I know from experience how hard it can be to get them to acknowledge a child as 'in need' because then they have to put their hands in their pockets.

It did become very important for me to find out who it was, it would have significantly altered my relationship with any friend who would, genuine concerns or not, not talk to me first or want to be part of the solution. Horrible to have that shadow of suspicion falling across my friendships.

A number of years ago - we had 4 family bereavements in six weeks - two were my inlaws. They were all except one totally unexpected sudden deaths. Like the op I also have a sn child. One of my sons is unable to walk and uses a wheelchair.

I admit I let the housework slip a bit during this period and although our children attended three of the funerals - the fourth one was more difficult. A mum from school who I knew, but not too well offered to keep an eye on the children after school until we got home at about 5ish on the day of the funeral.

I told her in advance that I had a huge pile of ironing and the dusting needed doing but the toilets and kitchen were clean and the place was hoovered if not perfectly tidy.

When we got back this woman flew at us like a bullet from a gun shouting she didn't know "How we could live like that and bring our kids up in squalour" I remember looking around at a magazine on the floor and a few leaves the dog had brought in and thinking "What are you on lady?"
She claimed my house was a health hazard and we had an unexpected visit from a social worker about a week afterwards. My house was a shade tidier by this time but the sw didn't think anything was wrong. I never knew who called them but like the OP I had a fairly good idea.

Nothing came of it, the SW went away happy, I eventually did the ironing and the other mother hasn't spoken to me since.

Haven't read whole thread, but kudos to OP for that very nifty bike lock idea!

Thanks sethstarkaddersmum! It was great at the time for keeping little hands out of high places, but you have to make sure they keys don't go missing!

AngelHMum, that's awful! What a cow!

have read thread now....

OP, could she have gone poking around and found your medication? The claim about you being bipolar and not taking your meds sounds so specific it makes me wonder if someone has been doing a bit of ill-advised Miss Marpling - maybe seen your anti-ds, knows (or has discovered) that they are a sort also used by people with bipolar disorder so jumped to that conclusion, maybe misread the date on the packet and come up with the idea you're not taking them....?

I'm pretty shocked by all the posters shouting 'burn the witch! Complain!' (who on earth to?)

If someone has any concern about child protection, then they should be encouraged to raise it, so somone who knows what they are doing can look into it, without fear of reprisal or school gate arguments. The concern can very well be misplaced without being malicious. As others have said, posters on here are regularly encouraged to flag up things that make them worried for others' children.

As for the factual inaccuracies, what the police officers told you is a way down a chain of Chinese whispers, which doesn't have to mean that the person who raised the issue deliberately made up bipolar disorder or lied about medication.

My house is absolutely squalid by anyone's standards, and if I had any, even my own. Visiting sw was charmed by it though, even the chicken poo I absentmindedly stepped over (they keep trespassing and it was not the best timing really). Think the threshold for neglect in Suffolk at least is very high, which is not a Good Thing. But children luckily fed and watered and house does get mucked out now and then.

The main thing is to set a crazy spaniel or two on the sw so they are distracted the whole time.

I have bipolar by the way, am always on and off medication though out of the hospital revolving door I was stuck in. It was not considered a child protection issue at all (coincidentally featured in the bizarre allegations about me too). Stigma alive and well.

@BitofFun "Social Services managers sometimes are unrealistic in what is required to keep some children with SN safe, in my experience.

"My autistic dd has a latch on the outside of her bedroom door to keep her safely inside at night, but my SW told me that her manager was unhappy with this and wanted to suggest a tall baby gate instead. "

My friend used to lock her DS into his bedroom at night for his own safety. Then SW told her she couldn't do this. So now - already stressed and exhausted to the max - she gets no sleep at all from him rampaging around, trashing the house and putting himself in danger all night and can't have a window open when its 30 degrees in case he escapes. This is the social services who are supposed to be trying to support her with her decision to keep him living with her and not have him in residential care, which they recommend and where . . . er . . . he will probably be under lock and key of a night time for his own safety. Gaaah...

Ridiculous, isn't it?

I don't get why OP can't just walk up to the suspected informant, and ask if it was her who reported, and then regardless of the reply, very calmly explain why it was very upsetting to be questioned like that, especially on the basis of totally exagerated accusations. Which is why you feel personally offended and would like to confront your FALSE accuser. Everybody should have the right to confront false accusers.

We have a (as in ONE) locked food cupboard, DC frequently nick biscuits and sweets otherwise. I'm sure I've read of MNers locking biscuit cupboards to prevent teenager raiders, too.

I wonder if bungee cords would solve the OP's dining chair problems too.

I think that the whole SN angle is intereresting

I hate to use this as an example, but look at the amount of accidents Jordans little boy has! people could very easily cry SS

I stand by what I said, this woman could have handled it better

but I would liklely just ice her outher rather than confront her

Lol at MitchyInge - bet your children don't have too many illneses and allergies?

It's funny but all the people I know who live in perfect, immaculate show houses are the ones who always have kids with allergic reactions or sniffles and sneezles. A bit of dirt and dust hurts nobody.

Adamadamum - you'll never stop these interfering busy bodies but the sw who came to see me said (over a cup of tea after she'd stopped laughing) that they have to investigate because they never know and to be honest they are damned if they do and damned if they don't.

She said she knew when she pulled onto the drive and saw the flower beds and the cut lawn that it would be a waste of her time - the lack of old sinks, rusting car parts and dog mess gave it away I suppose.

One day like me you'll laugh about it and it will make a great story over dinner with real friends.

Bungee cords may work too but I'd guess someone could be accused of tethering their children to them as much as bike chains?

My DS walked at 9 months and by 12 months was climbing on anything and everything. We had bungee cords round our dining chairs and kitchen chairs to prevent him climbing.

It did take a bit of explaining to the odd visitor, but worked a treat.

Shocking and horrid for you but I'm assuming that whoever reported you thought they had a good reason and I am thankful that people care enough to bother.

I can't think how I would have felt in your shoes.