To be livid about a police visit regarding the safety of my VERY SAFE children?!

[adamadamum]

It was my son's sixth birthday party yesterday. Only four kids plus their mums, I keep it small as I am on my own with them, my daughter has special needs and even for special occasions I can't manage to get all the housework done, so the house is never perfect and I generally only have kids who's mums I feel would not judge me for this, knowing my circumstances. Plus I don't want to bite off more than I can chew!

Anyway I foolishly invited a kid who's mum didn't know us that well, as my son wanted him to come. And she happens to work for social services. She did already know I'm a single mother, and my son's sister has special needs.

Today I had a visit from two very nice police officers, who (almost apologetically) explained they had recieved a call saying that my children may be in danger, that there were padlocks in the kitchen (there are child locks on some cupboards!) and that I am bipolar (I am not) and haven't been taking my medication!

They actually said that as soon as I opened the door it was obviously not the case! I told them the truth, I am not bipolar, though I do take antidepressants for mild "reactive" depression because of my circumstances.

They asked why there was talk of padlocks in the kitchen - I showed them the normal child safety locks on the cupboards, from Boots!

I do have bike chains on the legs of my dining chairs in the living room, held closed by padlocks (with my daughter having no sense of danger, I came up with this, linking one leg of each chair to a table leg, to stop her constantly moving chairs to reach things she shouldn't! I don't use them now but I've lost the keys to the padlocks!)Anyway I volunteered this information and they were happy with it!

Plus as I mentioned to the police officers, I liaise with the Children's Equipment And Adaptations Service regarding everything to do with my daughter's safety - they themselves actually put an extra door handle, high up on her bedroom door, to more or less "lock her in" her room at nigh, it was essential for her safety, and I got the fire service to put a smoke alarm in her room. That's real bad mother stuff!!!!!

How would YOU react to the mum you are pretty sure made that call? I sadly see her regularly at the school gate....
Anyway, I know that no other mum would have made that call, two know me, and my circumstances very well, and the third I have chatted with today, in detail, including all this stuff. She even tried to get advice for me about how to deal with it, so I think it's very unlikely to be her.

MitchyInge I really hope I haven't offended you by the way, I'm sure bipolar isn't a child protection issue, but it seems that someone did.... and someone said I have it and am not treating it. On top of chaining my children to their chairs!!

Oh by the way the reason I chose bike chains is because I found them in the pound shop, complete with padlocks! So it was also an inexpensive solution to the problem!

BalloonSlayer your poor friend! It was Children's Equipment and Adaptations Services that actually put the very high extra door handle on my daughter's bedroom door. I don't know if it's different in different parts of the country, but it solved the problem. Plus of course got the fire service to fit a smoke alarm in her room (which was fun, a whole load of firemen turning up in their fire engine!)

I don't understand why you are convinced the woman who works for social services had reported you.

Like others, I think this sounds like a third hand story that someone has taken and run with.

Not nice and makes you feel crap but ultimately there is nothing you can do about it now.

"Years ago I reluctantly used them for a short while, just after I had my son. I felt like I had invited the devil into my home. Although it was the children's disability team, their boss acted like he was in the child protection team, a really nasty little man. He stressed me out so much that I sacked them."

Unfortunately this can happen - although if you get a good SW you can get very good support (and it can protect against this sort of accusation). A halfway decent one can get things like dps as well and once they're set up contact with SS is minimal. Unfortunately SW from the children's disability team acting as if their remit is child protection are very problematic. I ended up just complaining in writing every time I came across a problem with SS- they're good as gold now!

If you can access what you need without SS involvement wise to (unfortunately in our case we need SS to access playschemes for ds1, never mind respite). But if you ever have to work with them can give you lots of tips to protect yourself and get what you need out of them.

Balloon Slayer- your poor friend is probably exhausted- could you help her fill in an application for a DFG (disabled facilities grant) for a safespace?

As they have said she cannot lock him in his room she could present it to them that they have a choice of either funding regular overnight respite (££££) or providing a safespace.

DFG's are not means tested for children (although SS like to forget that - so you need to remind them) and if she requests one they will have to consider it. Testimonials suggest it works well.

You might have suspicions but you can't really accuse her of something you are not sure she has done. It could have been anyone tbh.

However I think you must have felt awful and really I do empathise with you as to how annoyed and angry you must feel.

Yes maybe someone meant well but it's certainly not nice to get the police on someone without some real evidence.

I hope you get to the bottom of it - I am not sure there is much you can do unfortunately..

not offended in the least adamadamum!

and no, angelhmum, never needed antibiotics etc - there's something to be said for dirty draughty houses

you don't have to accuse her, just ask nicely - 'is there anything you'd like to tell me? anything giving you cause for concern regarding my children?' open questions are good

I made a list of everyone I knew and just asked them, nobody was offended. You have to allow for lying of course. A big factor is the timing, I think they have 24hrs to respond to child abuse type referrals and 7 days for neglect type ones. So reconstruct the days/hours everyone who had contact with you or your children, to fit with the time of the referral. I had about 5 days to conduct my investigation before the assessment appointment and it was fascinating. Want to be a private investigator now!

I didn't know for sure until I got an almost verbatim 'transcript' of the call and information about the caller, who was rubbish at covering her tracks. There was no reason for social services to not disclose the information they held about me and my family.

Mmm... Mitchy I think you've just explained something, since my friend is bipolar and also likes zooming around on the craziest horses and leaping over jumps! (not sideways though). I always tell her I need some of whatever she's taking, might make me a bit braver.

We used to have our chairs attached to the table as well because ds (ASD) used to push the chairs over backwards and I was scared he would crack his head open. There was also the climbing thing of course, I didn't want him to be able to reach our high window sills, but surely lots of people improvise similar safety measures while their little ones are going through adventurous stages, SN or not?

Oh and I can sympathise with Mrs Turnip's dh. Once when we were camping ds managed to disappear (we watch him like hawks but this time he was just so quick) and my BIL came out of the shower block just in time to spot him heading out of the camp gate into the road. He grabbed him and had to manhandle him back to our tent as he was struggling. BIL was calling out "it's all right, I'm his uncle" to the people staring and I felt really sorry that he felt the need to do that (and grateful and relieved that he'd got ds!). Tbh we are so used to ds being difficult that it hadn't occurred to me that he might feel awkward about the situation but of course he was right about how it looked.

I used to mostly be on the stuff ACPs are made of! So you could try those Pixel is really important not to confuse bravery with stupidity though

Miss sideways show jumping has been ages

Hmm, think I'd push for your DS to get her DS invited over for a playdate. The possibilities are endless

To those of you worried about your messy houses :

My DS has severe atopic eczema. His main allergens are house dust and pollens. So I hoover and dust a lot. I have found over the years its my main defence against his flare ups (doesnt work for everyone but does for us).

My DD was dx with Luekemia a year into DS's family fostercare placement with us. She reacted particularly badly to the treatment and was on the highest intensity. Consequently her immune system was decimated.

SO I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. My house was spotless. No dust, no dirt. I had social workers and nurses and drs and physios and OTs in and out of my house on a daily basis. Another reason to keep it spotless - pride.

One of our SS reports expressed grave concerns that our house was 'too clean' They thought I may have 'issues'

Yes I did - three - cancer, a severe skin condition and hoards of professionals coming to my house every day

So you cant win, dont try.

haven't read whole thread so apologies if someone has said this - but if the SW had referred concerns I would have thought it would have been far more likely that you would have had a visit from social workers not the police - first port of call most concerns would usually be social workers, who would take the lead on assessing and then contact the police if they felt it necessary.

More likely imo that this referral came from someone who does not know the system really well.

Sleepingsowell, here's an interesting reply from another poster, a couple of pages back.

"I am a SW - I needed to report something about a friend of a friend - i purposefully went to the police and not to SS because i thought it was less likely they would think it was me. Sorry to be a bit sketchy"

This woman isn't actually a social worker herself by the way, she works for the legal department for child protection.

MitchyInge, I did ask her very nicely by text on Sunday afternoon. It really was asked I think in the nicest way possible. I got no reply. I had sent the same text to the one other possible, though far less likely suspect, who texted me back almost immediately and also phoned me twice, we talked for ages about it. I think that although people can, and do lie, anyone asked very nicely if they had done this, if they hadn't then they would be down right determined to make sure they were eliminated from the enquiries! But no reply from that other woman.

Oh, also thefirstmrsDeVere I hope your DD is ok now?

thefirstmrsDeVere, I just clicked on your profile, which gave me the answer to my question. I'm so sorry.

adadadadum - I have to say, if I had seen so many bike locks attached to chairs/the table (sorry, I'm not confused as to which bit of furniture they are attached to!?) I would have either though - where are the bikes? or who the hell does she think is going to steal the table/chairs - odd woman - then not given it another thought!

Sorry you are going through this

thefirstmrsDeVere - name changing shouldn't be allowed!! I was wondering where you had got to as I hadn't seen you posting lately - except I had, I just didn't know it

The child protection team phoned me today, are coming down tomorrow to assess us! The guy who I spoke to read out what had been reported. I am now even more convinced that it was that woman.

FGS - what a nightmare.

Still, they are bound to feel the same as the police.

I would now have to get to the bottom of it!!

Whoever did it, it's low.

and THIS is exactly the reason people should't be so quick to judge & call in the police/SS without at least talking to the parents first....

I would say 'Good Luck for tomorrow - but you don't need it - you aren't doing anything wrong!

I'd put a lid on all the animosity you feel towards the woman and focus on personal presentation and the house for tomorrow- if they're worried about you and depression they will note clean hair, ironed clothes make up etc. I made sure I was always super smart for all contact with HV etc. - because of my history of depression I knew they'd be looking for the signs.

Having all the info of your contact with Children's Equipment and Adaptations Services handy would be good. Also being open to their suggestions- however daft- of changing the way you do things.

Any hostility/resentment you (totally justifiably) feel towards having to justify your treatment of your children might well be misinterpreted as being unwillingness to co-operate.

What was said AdamAndamum? Do you have someone who understands your dd's disability who could be there as well? Friend or HV?

Or could you ask for a representative from the children's disabity team to be there as well? I know that they're not always a help but it would reinforce that you see it as a disability issue.

Agree about having adaptations info - can you ring thr ot who dealt with your case? Also any letters etc re your dd's diagnosis.

If the concern was bipolar - well you're not so they can forget that one. If it was because of padlocks in thr kitchen they can forget that one as well. You're just left with the table/chairs which anyone sensible will understand.

It seems some of you may have been right about jumping to conclusions that it was that woman... I had a phone call earlier this evening, from a really nice, very understanding police officer, I'm not sure if he said he was the one who came on Sunday, my darlings were being rather noisy!

Anyway, he said he was just acting as a kind of intermediary, seems the woman asked him to phone, as she wanted to say that she wasn't the one who made that nasty call.... oops. Talked with him for ages, and asked him to phone her for me and say that if it really wasn't her, that I am sorry.

So of course now I have the pleasure of the child protection social worker coming to assess us tomorrow. Lovely. I am not looking forward to the prying. The Sw said with my permission they would want to contact my doctor, and both my kid's schools! Lovely.

adam Sorry I didnt answer your question earlier, I didnt mind you asking. I just didnt have time to get on.

I am so sorry this is still going on. I have a DS with ASD and LD and we do whatever we must to keep him safe. I know that some people do not approve. This disaproval seems to be based on 'it doesnt look/seem right' rather than real concerns. i.e. locked cupboards remind them of stories of abuse even if they are sure we are not abusive.

Chippingin Thought it was time for a change. I have had that name for yeeeaaars and was feeling a bit uneasy. I have shared an awful lot. No other reason for changing (havent been barred or anything).

Gosh - have they given you any further information about the concerns raised. Rather worrying that someone can raise concerns without any evidence and then you have to go through all this.