To be livid about a police visit regarding the safety of my VERY SAFE children?!

[adamadamum]

It was my son's sixth birthday party yesterday. Only four kids plus their mums, I keep it small as I am on my own with them, my daughter has special needs and even for special occasions I can't manage to get all the housework done, so the house is never perfect and I generally only have kids who's mums I feel would not judge me for this, knowing my circumstances. Plus I don't want to bite off more than I can chew!

Anyway I foolishly invited a kid who's mum didn't know us that well, as my son wanted him to come. And she happens to work for social services. She did already know I'm a single mother, and my son's sister has special needs.

Today I had a visit from two very nice police officers, who (almost apologetically) explained they had recieved a call saying that my children may be in danger, that there were padlocks in the kitchen (there are child locks on some cupboards!) and that I am bipolar (I am not) and haven't been taking my medication!

They actually said that as soon as I opened the door it was obviously not the case! I told them the truth, I am not bipolar, though I do take antidepressants for mild "reactive" depression because of my circumstances.

They asked why there was talk of padlocks in the kitchen - I showed them the normal child safety locks on the cupboards, from Boots!

I do have bike chains on the legs of my dining chairs in the living room, held closed by padlocks (with my daughter having no sense of danger, I came up with this, linking one leg of each chair to a table leg, to stop her constantly moving chairs to reach things she shouldn't! I don't use them now but I've lost the keys to the padlocks!)Anyway I volunteered this information and they were happy with it!

Plus as I mentioned to the police officers, I liaise with the Children's Equipment And Adaptations Service regarding everything to do with my daughter's safety - they themselves actually put an extra door handle, high up on her bedroom door, to more or less "lock her in" her room at nigh, it was essential for her safety, and I got the fire service to put a smoke alarm in her room. That's real bad mother stuff!!!!!

How would YOU react to the mum you are pretty sure made that call? I sadly see her regularly at the school gate....
Anyway, I know that no other mum would have made that call, two know me, and my circumstances very well, and the third I have chatted with today, in detail, including all this stuff. She even tried to get advice for me about how to deal with it, so I think it's very unlikely to be her.

sorry purposely - been a long day

Choconellie She isn't as far as I know a social worker herself, but does something within social services, maybe admin side though I can't be sure. I did overhear her talking at another birthday party about adoption.

I have come across some who have experience in child protection reacting completely inappropriately when moving into SN (i.e. completely lacking understanding of very normal situations).

However, as others have said probably best not to assume it's her- it might not be. If you were feeling brave you could ask her. Or you could tell her in passing about an unexpected police visit from someone reporting something when they clearly don't understand about SN.

By the way, a few have asked why I didn't ask who made this report! That was one of the first things I asked! I was so in shock by the whole thing, I can't remember now whether they said that they were not allowed to give those details, or that they simply didn't have them.
To be honest I would have been surprised if they had told me.

As a good, loving and caring mum, if I genuinely saw a child I suspected to be in danger, I would worry about violent repercussions. But I would only make that call if I really saw need! And there is no danger of violent repercussions from me,(I'm a wuss) though the words may not be the nicest!

Manda25 Thank you for that very interesting snippet! That was my suspicion. Not that in this case there was a genuine reason to report anything (my main worry was "oh shit, the house is still a mess!") I have been so used to the chains being still attached to the chairs (but not the tables any more, can't take the chains off if I can't find the blummin' keys!) I personally don't notice them anymore!

By the way I did send a text to the two suspects, one replied and also phoned, certainly no sound of guilt in her voice, though she said she felt guilty for telling the other suspect that she felt worried about me, as I was stressed out at my son's party!
Anyway, I didn't recieve a reply from the other mum.

police are obviously satisfied that theres no cause for concern. it doesnt sound like this was a malicious report, more someone getting chinese whipsers or over reacting to things that have perfectly good reason to be in your home. it could have been this woman, or it could have been one of the others, who knows. i cant imagine how horrible it must feel to have someone question your parenting like that, but its probably come from a good place.

loads of children in this country live in horrible conditions, with no one looking out for them. i'm afraid i do agree that people should report things they think could be wrong, and let the professionals assess it, rather than being terribly british and looking the other way lest they bother someone.

Re wannabe's post re the padlocks in the kitchen, I'd have thought it was a child safety measure, having myself a child who LOVES to open the cupboards & play with anything in them.

Re the padlocked chairs, I would assume that she had a child who climbed, like mine. I am able to put my dining chairs on my table, but if I didn't dd2 would be on the chair, on the table & on then work surfaces of the kitchen.

I don't see either as anything other than what it was!

And I find it hard to believe that the reporter wasn't this 'SS' mum, HUGE coincidence that she had the party & the next day police come calling.

Good to come of it is that the police have validated her measures as pure children's safety measures.

But saying that, they weren't even padlocks in the kitchen, were they? I think the woman saw the padlocked chairs & exaggerated to the police re the 'padlocks' in the kitchen!

I showed them the normal child safety locks on the cupboards, from Boots

Maybe she is lucky & has a son (like my dd1) who would never have tried to climb, or open cupboard doors, or maybe she is lucky enough not to have only floor level cupboards for everything!

Social Services managers sometimes are unrealistic in what is required to keep some children with SN safe, in my experience.

My autistic dd has a latch on the outside of her bedroom door to keep her safely inside at night, but my SW told me that her manager was unhappy with this and wanted to suggest a tall baby gate instead. This totally ignores that a) in order to sleep, my dd needs isolation, not the stimulation of seeing the rest of the family trotting to the loo off the landing etc, and b)in case of a fire or something, it would be a hell of a lot easier for either dd to bust her own door open, or for a family member to quickly let her out than if there was a fiddly safety gate in place.

The door is secured, but it is flimsily done, and designed to only be bust open with some noise, albeit easily. Much safer than what the manager's guidelines would suggest.

Tall baby gates don't work anyway - if you can find them - we could never find any he couldn't climb over. We used to have 2 on top of each other blockingvtbd doorway until ds1 could undo the pressure pads holding them in place and walk straight through. I have heard of people using jewellers gates - but they're very expensive.

Agree that SS can be worryingly unrealistic. When we were applying for a DFG for safety measures they sent someone to ds1's annual review to ask what behavioural measures could be taken to prevent ds1 breaking windows - school said nothing could be done - the environment had to be made safe. Ok that was cost cutting and trying to avoid paying for a dfg- but still worryingly ignorant..

Dfg's worth considering btw - not means tested for children and a decent amount for safety measures (not enoughif you need an extension or something). SS rarely tell you about them but worth applying for if you are struggling to make your house safe.

Hey - look on the bright side - now you know that someone is concerned enough about your situation to report you to the police you should be able to sit back snd expect lots of offers of help over the holidays.

After all if she's (whoever it was) concerned by how much you have to cope with during school terms she will realise it's a hundred times harder during school holidays.

Ha ha -unfortunately the type that reports is rarely the type to actually get their hands dirty and help out. With practical experience they'd actually understand the situation.

Seriously though you could use this situation to get more help from SS if you want that. Email them, explaining what happened then ask for respite/more dp's/ whatever you want. It's the sort of thing that makes them jumpy and can be used to your advantage (providing of course you end up with someonecwjp understands about disability).

haven't got time to read whole thread, sorry if I'm repeating others.

you don't know for sure it was her although it sounds like it was TBH.

next time you see her, say:

"oh, it was so funny, these police officers turned up at my house to check my children were safe. isn't that weird? anyway, they had a good look round, and they said I was doing a great job keeping my daughter safe. it's so nice to hear them say that!"

if she didn't make the call, then you haven't accused her of anything, but if it was her, she'll be embarrassed!

I owuld just leave it tbh. If she meant it in the bets of intentions then why make her feel bad? If she meant it maliciously then why let her know she's got to you?

Can I ask how come the bicycle locks dont just slip off without the keys? I dont think I understand that bit.

would and best

I would do that but also add 'ha ha - at least I know if someone is concerned enough about my situation to report me to the police I can now expect whoever it was to offer me lots of support and help this summer because of course it's a difficult situation even if the police saw it for what it was.' If it was her it might make her think.

Doubt you'll be in any danger of having to suffer any practical help but who knows perhaps she'll have your son to play - that can help.

what a fucking do-good rude backstabbing BITCH

I am annoyed on your behalf, how fucking dare she!

anger aside...

I expect you are too scared to say anything in case she grasses you again.

but to go to someones house, take their hospitality and then report them to SS is just so low

I am not sure what to do! but am angry on your behalf

How can someone who has concerns over the welfare of a child be a do-good rude backstabbing bitch?

saintlydamemrsturnip, I wouldn't have anything to do with social disservices even if they paid me! Years ago I reluctantly used them for a short while, just after I had my son. I felt like I had invited the devil into my home. Although it was the children's disability team, their boss acted like he was in the child protection team, a really nasty little man. He stressed me out so much that I sacked them.

waitingforbedtime the bike chains don't slip off the chair legs because there are bars between the legs, if you know what I mean!

porcamiseria thanks for your anger on my behalf! I am not sure how I will handle this yet, but I think she deserves a public dressing down in front of a lot of other mothers so that they know she can't be trusted. She could have asked one of the other guests, or indeed myself, about the chains on the chair legs, and she certainly should not have told the police, incorrectly, that I am bipolar and not taking my medication - to me that is an evil, malicious lie.

As an ex police officer myself I've had to deal with that kind of situation many many times.... believe me, it's really not uncommon!!

Social Services will normaly recieve the complain/concern and then contact the police to do an "initial check" - they dont like going around to houses themselves as, understandably, they can be met with some extreme reactions! Also, social services alone do not have a power of entry (they cannot force their way into the house if needed). The police officers job is just to check and see if there's any merit in the concern, 99% of the time there isn't!

It may just have been someone 3rd hand reporting it to Social Services, ie one of the mothers mentioned it in passing to someone else and that person took it upon themselves to report it!

IMO you should just rise above it and move on.... no point in making more of a scene with any of the people involved, even if they DID report it!

It's not going to benefit you or the kids to cause friction with the "suspected" mother and may be detrimental to the friendship between your two kids which your son obviously holds dear. After all, it is the kids we're concerned about here isnt it?

A public dressing down for reporting what she thought might have been abuse? Nice

So basically people should just turn a blind eye if they think something dodgy is going on?

How horrible for you OP. You sound like you are doing a great job and that is the reward you get! The nasty (and unprofessional) bitch.
Public dressing down sounds good, then she might see that she has not done what is generally seen as the right thing.

All a public dressing down is going to do is bring everyone's attention to you and the issues she raised causing more gossip and unfounded speculation... it will also make you look bad, shouting and arguing in the street has rather low connotations if you see what I mean and worst case situation will get out of hand, become a bitching match and the police will have to get involved AGAIN!..... really... do you want that?! :-/

Again, I appeal for you to "think of the kids!"

adamadamum I sympathise, but seriously advise caution. It's very uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of the police visit but you have no way of knowing how it came about.

Imagine how you will feel (and more importantly, look!) if you go for this other woman publicly. Mostly what it will do is publicise the police visit to more people. You will come over badly, even without taking into consideration that you may be completely wrong about her involvement.

It is possible to just shrug this off and be glad that the police have done their job rightly and responsibly. Much less painful for you and your littluns, plus you get to look dignified and mature. It's a winner.

Of course it's a horrible thing to experience, especially when it's dishonestly reported. But there is no evidence that this woman reported the OP. It would be totally wrong to jump on her.

Surely it would be far better to speak openly, to tell her what happened, quite straightforwardly, and ask her "You're in SS, can you explain to me how something like this can happen?"

It seems to me almost certain to be somebody else, someone who has only had a glimpse of the situation, or has heard it reported third-party.

After all, if you knew very little of the true situation, and saw or heard of dining chairs with chains padlocked on to the legs, might you not assume that the chains were to restrain people on the chairs, rather than to lock the chairs to the table? That would be a frightening scenario, and certainly one worth reporting to SS/police.