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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why my Mum doesn`t want to help me more?

341 replies

OnEdge · 18/07/2010 16:36

I have a 3 year old, and 1 year old and am 32 weeks pregnant. My mum lives a 5 minute drive away and doesn`t seem to want to help me out.

She does heve my 3 year old most Friday nights, this started out as a plan to allow my husband and I to go out. we dont go out anymore, but Mum still wants my daughter round so that they can see her. I am really greatful for this, dont get me wrong.

Appart from that, nothing. She is mid sixties and in good health and is retired. If I ask her occasionally she will baby sit for a few hours so that I can work, but she always lets me know that she is doing me a huge favour and isnt really that keen. Once she referred to this as being lumbered

She knows that I am starting to feel it with this pregnancy, I am 39, but no offers to come round and help.

AIBU to be disapointed? Or is it my job to get on with it and not expect help?

OP posts:
mjinhiding · 18/07/2010 19:47

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violethill · 18/07/2010 19:47

Ah right, so your dad can look after himself, but you are entitled to help whenever you want it?

Has it occurred to you that your mother married your father, she has chosen to build a life with him, and if she wants to make him cups of coffee then that's her choice. Her responsibility as a mother is to love her children (that particular responsibility is life long) and while they are dependent to support them, clothes them, feed them etc etc. You are not a dependent OP. You are 39, a grown woman. Honestly, some of your posts make you sound like a spoilt child.

grannieonabike · 18/07/2010 19:47

OnEdge - don't let them upset you. You're asking for help, not criticism. There are some constructive ideas posted - hope they help. Look after yourself.

OrmRenewed · 18/07/2010 19:48

In those big extended families you envy, there'd be more people to care for your dad too - it would be expected that your mum would get a break from that as well as you getting a break from childcare.

Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 19:48

It IS what Mums are for. As a family, we should muck in and help each other out. I help them out wherever possible. It is the way they brought me up.
I must admit that since I have had second baby I havnt been able to do as much for them, but when we are together I always muck in. Its just what you do in a family, you help each other out. I WAS being organised at the party, by asking my Mum. She let me down again.

OP posts:
violethill · 18/07/2010 19:49

I can't believe you are complaining that your mother makes coffee for your father, and does his washing. Why shouldn't she? Her choice.

Eddas · 18/07/2010 19:51

op, what was your mum like when you were little? Did she throw you parties and welcome guests with tea and coffee? What I mean is, has she always been the way she is, so are you expecting her to be someone she isn't?

I can see what you mean and how disappointed you are. My situation is similar but different. My mum died before dc were born. She would've been a fab gp, helping whenever I needed and would've been as you describe wanting your mum to be, just helping when she could see I needed it, but sadly it wasn't to be My dad re-married a lady who is the polar opposite of my mum. She has dc my age but they are so far childless. She has already set out her intention to NOT help. I actually asked my dad and her to babysit, anytime/day and she said no I know some people just don't want to but it made me very sad. She also likes to say how wonderful my dc are blah blah blah to anyone who'll listen but who she knows is beyond me really But I have accepted that my dad and step mother just don't want to help out.end of. I can't change that. I do hint sometimes but it's met with 'can't dh's mum help' and yes MIL does help but I feel like we lean on her alot for all our help. She doesn't mind, for which i'm alwasy very grateful. She always comes to sports day, nativity etc etc.

So YANBU but i'm afraid all you can do is accept the situation and try not to dwell on it. The dwelling just drives you mad and won't help.

gramercy · 18/07/2010 19:54

you both sound royally pissed off with each other.

You are waiting to jump on her for not behaving as you would wish, and she is probably sighing "Here she goes again" as she gets another kicking for not coming up to scratch.

traceybath · 18/07/2010 19:54

Onedge - I thought as much.

Right - you need to stop comparing your mum and situation to your friends.

My sister has super helpful extended family on her in-laws side. And she really has no idea how life is for the majority of us - she's never had to ever pay for childcare/babysitter etc. But this is not the norm.

Hey - compare yourself to a lot of us who get very little help (cue the violins ).

Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 19:56

I am LOW maintenance. I get on with it. Even though I have two other adults present, I just get on with it - without help. I can manage to my credit, I am proud of how I manage and I enjoy the daily challenge of having two kids and one more on the way. its just fuckin weird that my own family cant be arsed to help out.

What is high maintenance about me? I do it all by myself without help. DH helps after 5 a little but he is tired so we just help each other out. He doesnt come in and take over. So what is high maintenance about that?

I think its crap that my own Mum doesnt want to help out. I dont resent her looking after my Dad, I was just saying that he doesnt need caring for to that extent. He is physically capable of looking after himself. She is retired. No other family.

OP posts:
diddl · 18/07/2010 19:57

"It IS what Mums are for. As a family, we should muck in and help each other out."

Well there are different interpretations of that aren´t there?

I don´t call serving your guests whilst you "meet & greet" helping out-I call it being put upon.

scottishmummy · 18/07/2010 19:59

on-edge,your posts are contradictory.so your dad can jolly well look after himself etc.but you need mums help.you cannot organise some drinks at a party and she gets blame for letting you down.actually no your inadequate planning at a party isnt mums fault

be grateful for what she does.let her set her own limits, and live with them

EvilTwins · 18/07/2010 20:00

"What is high maintenance about me?"

The fact that you moan about it. You don't just get on with it, do you? You grudgingly get on with it whilst expecting others to do it for you.

Seriously - your sense of entitlement is appalling. Your mother is a person who has the right to do what she wants to with her life. She already helps you out every Friday - plenty of people don't get that.

You need to grow up.

Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 20:05

Expecting help and being disapointed regarding the lack of it are two different things though. You GET help, so you dont know what its like not to!

OP posts:
Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 20:07

eviltwins You said Of course your parents said yes, that indicates that you expected them to help??????????

OP posts:
abshirley · 18/07/2010 20:08

Sorry, haven't read through the whole thread.
OP ,are you for real?I am a mother of 3 [single parent by the time my youngest was born], have never asked for or needed help from anyone.FFS looking after children is not that difficult, why have 3 if you can't manage. Words fail me.
So yes, it is your job to get on with it and not expect help.It's what millions of other people do.

EvilTwins · 18/07/2010 20:08

I get help when I ask for it I don't sit at home moaning and seething about the fact that no one ever offers. And you know what, I tend to ask once every three or four months. My parents come and visit us at other times, but that's purely social - they come for lunch, or join us on a day out. Yours already help you out one day every week

You're an only child, right? Is that why you have such a fucking awful sense of entitlement here? Is that why you think your mother's "role" is to do what you demand? Because I really can't think of any other reason.

mjinhiding · 18/07/2010 20:09

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Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 20:10

eviltwins can you honestly say that you would not have felt disapointment if they had said no? Not resentment, just disapointmnet?

OP posts:
EvilTwins · 18/07/2010 20:10

OP - no, I didn't expect them to help. That's why I phoned a couple of months in advance to ask if they would mind. If I expected them to help, I'd have called the day before and told them I needed them at 8am.

EvilTwins · 18/07/2010 20:11

No, I wouldn't. I'd have made alternative arrangements. Because they are my children, and my responsibility. My parents were first on my list of options, and had they said no, I would have explored alternatives.

diddl · 18/07/2010 20:12

"do you lot seriously think it is ok to sit there empty handed, watching a friend or family member struggle to hold a baby and feed themselves, bloody hell I hope not "

Well I hope I wouldn´t do it-but really, it´s not someone elses responsibility is it?

lisasimpson · 18/07/2010 20:13

Were you an only child by choice do you know? could be telling.

Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 20:14

I dont think its my mums role to do as I demand, I just think its crap to stand by and watch her daughter struggle when she is capable of helping.

I DONT get help when I ask for it, even just making a few brews , let alone childcare like you get eviltwins

OP posts:
diddl · 18/07/2010 20:14

Yes best thing-don´t expect help & then it´s a bonus.