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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why my Mum doesn`t want to help me more?

341 replies

OnEdge · 18/07/2010 16:36

I have a 3 year old, and 1 year old and am 32 weeks pregnant. My mum lives a 5 minute drive away and doesn`t seem to want to help me out.

She does heve my 3 year old most Friday nights, this started out as a plan to allow my husband and I to go out. we dont go out anymore, but Mum still wants my daughter round so that they can see her. I am really greatful for this, dont get me wrong.

Appart from that, nothing. She is mid sixties and in good health and is retired. If I ask her occasionally she will baby sit for a few hours so that I can work, but she always lets me know that she is doing me a huge favour and isnt really that keen. Once she referred to this as being lumbered

She knows that I am starting to feel it with this pregnancy, I am 39, but no offers to come round and help.

AIBU to be disapointed? Or is it my job to get on with it and not expect help?

OP posts:
Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 19:23

My Mum has always done too much for my dad because he is lazy. He is now unable to walk far because he gets claudication in his leg from years and years of smoking. He is capable of looking after himself. Just cant walk very far, the pub and back is his limit.

I dont expect her to serve my guests, I wanted her to be a runner for me to allow me to be able to greet all of the guests and accept their gifts. She did say no remember and sat like a Queen in the kitchen watching me struggle once again.

It is common decency to hold someones baby while they finish off a meal, its just what you do.....isnt it?? Its what I do if I can.

I was brought up by mu Mum to have empathy, where has hers disapeared to?

OP posts:
violethill · 18/07/2010 19:23

not4anotherday - wake up! - that was the point I was making.

Parents don't get days off. Being a parent is a 24/7 'job'. For all of us. The OP is lucky that she has relatives willing to look after one of her children on a regular basis.

violethill · 18/07/2010 19:25

You wanted her to be a 'runner' while you greeted the guests and accepted their gifts?

Sounds like you were the Royalty at the party, not your mother

Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 19:27

Wise not upsetting a pregnant lady.

I understand that she wants to live life to the full, spending time with your grand kids IS living, she adores them. Its extended family - help out!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 18/07/2010 19:28

your mum does a fair bit already.up to her to decide whether she wants to make tea,cart buggies,offer childcare.and well you need to be gracious and grateful ab/out what she does do.dont dwell or let this become a thing between you

OrmRenewed · 18/07/2010 19:28

"Now appart from the Friday nights - nothing"

But that is quite a lot TBH. My parents have been great with the DC - not so much now as they are older and not in perfect health - but they have hardly ever had them overnight. Perhaps twice in 13yrs.

traceybath · 18/07/2010 19:29

Next party - serve wine or beer - much easier

Seriously onedge - you are getting more help than most but not as much as would be nice.

But you are heavily pregnant with your third and I well remember how exhausting that is.

I would also tell her you are making other plans regarding childcare for the birth as she may not be around.

Could you buy in a bit of help - cleaning/ironing etc - I really do think its so worth it if you can afford it.

EvilTwins · 18/07/2010 19:30

I haven't read all the thread but from what I have read, OP, YABU. It sounds like you totally take your mother for granted. My parents live miles away, and my in-laws even further. If I need their help, then I ask for it. My parents enjoy spending time with their grandchildren, and often do so, but they have their own lives, so if I need them to help me out with something (for example, my DTDs start school in September. They're mornings only for the first few weeks. DH and I are juggling working hours to try to sort it, but there are a few dates we can't do, so I phoned Mum and asked if she would mind helping out. Of course she doesn't, but I wouldn't assume that she would just drop everything and come running - I asked, and I'm very grateful that she can help us) then I try to ask in advance.

You seem to think that your mother should make you and your children her top priority, and that is unfair. And I really do think that if you need her to take the baby, or to carry something on a day-trip, then you'll get a lot futher asking nicely if she would mind, than fuming about the fact that she hasn't offered. You say why should you "humiliate" yourself. Why is that humiliating?

Earlybird · 18/07/2010 19:31

Does your dh help out? At a birthday party, wouldn't he logically be the one to help with tea/coffee (or answer the door so you could do it)?

And fwiw, I hire a teenage neighbour to be an extra pair of hands at dd's birthday parties.

Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 19:32

NO violethill I am NOT. It is the sort of time that your Mum gives you a hand, it really is. Cant you see that it is a situation where I could have done with some help? I have a Mum - problem solved - thats what Mums are for. Its called being supportive. I am her daughter. I asked her a month before in an attempt to make things better than last time. Actually, my Mum complained that at the previous party I kept disapperaing into the kitchen leaving guests just stood there not knowing what to do. Am I going mad here? Why should this happen when my own Mum s there? Its bloody ridiculous !!!!!

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 18/07/2010 19:33

Well said Hassled.

I'd give anything to have my mum back for just an afternoon to meet my DS and for him to meet her.

I'd certainly not be moaning that she is not looking after her grown up married daughter enough.

If you want help with the kids and the house then perhaps you could look for an aupair or mothers help. Your mum providing childcare once a week is a huge amount of care.

EvilTwins · 18/07/2010 19:34

"I have a Mum - problem solved - thats what Mums are for"

No wonder she doesn't want to help more. You sound like a spoiled brat.

scottishmummy · 18/07/2010 19:36

up to you to be more organised at party not complain your mum didnt make the hot drinks.just standing about was she,oh tghe cheek of it.anyone would think she was a guest or something.you posts are quite churlish

stop being so demanding of her in your expectations - ease up a bit.be grateful for what she does do, like most friday night childcare for example

traceybath · 18/07/2010 19:36

Onedge - do a lot of your friends have super helpful extended families and are you comparing your situation to theirs?

yikesascorpiobaby · 18/07/2010 19:36

OP you are lucky to have your mum around, as others have said. Mine lives nearly 200 miles away, as does DH's (who is very elderly anyway).

Others have lost their mothers altogether.

It sounds as though you see your mother quite often, and have days out etc with her. You are actually very fortunate.

I think you sound very tired,and very pregnant. And I can't really see what your issue is, but I feel a bit sad for your mum actually, as you are obviously seething towards her, for what appear to be rather nebulous reasons.

Couldn't you try just stating honestly towards her what it is you are feeling?

Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 19:38

The reason I feel humiliated is that when I have asked for help in other situations she has said no. I am therefore wary about asking for help and actually find it humiliating. its asking in the knowledge that she is unwilling that is difficult.

eviltwins Of course your mother doesnt mind helping out ! That is the difference. How would you have felt if she had said no and was sick of being lumbered with them?

OP posts:
EvilTwins · 18/07/2010 19:39

I would have made alternative arrangements. Obviously. Because I love and respect my mother, and appreciate that she has her own life and that I have absolutely no right to expect her to drop everything to help me out.

Perhaps that's why she wants to help me more than yours wants to help you.

OrmRenewed · 18/07/2010 19:40

OK you clearly aren't happy with what she does so try telling her. 'Mum please could you hold DS for me' or 'Mum please could you help me with the food'.

And you sound resentful that she takes care of your dad. Do you think she shouldn't? Or do you think she should run herself ragged looing after your dad and your children?

Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 19:40

traceybath Yes they do.

OP posts:
violethill · 18/07/2010 19:41

'That's what mums are for!!'

I am gobsmacked at this sense of entitlement.

No, it's not what they are 'for'.

OrmRenewed · 18/07/2010 19:42

LOL at 'that's what mums are for'. I'm delighted to know that my future purpose it mapped out for me for my remaining years

pranma · 18/07/2010 19:43

I am in a bit of a similar position to your mum.I am 66 and dd has dgs1 who is 3.10 now and dgs2 who is 17 months.I do a lot of 'minding'.I have dgs2 one full day a week and dgs1 2 half days every other week.I will also babysit any evening as long as dgc are in bed.I just havent the energy to manage both of them together now.My dd is nearly 36, she works pt as a teaccher and isnt pregnant.

Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 19:43

No I think that my Dad ought to make her a cup of coffee once in a while, or wash his own clothes or help with his ironoing. I dont resent her looking after my Dad, I was just saying that there is no need, he can look after himself. There is no need to feel sorry for my Mum unnecesarily looking after my Dad.

OP posts:
Earlybird · 18/07/2010 19:43

If your Mum wasn't around/able to take care of your dad, you'd be expected to do that, so be grateful you are spared that burden.

Does your Mum ever get a break? Do you do anything to make her life easier?

My point is this - is it a two way street?

Nancy66 · 18/07/2010 19:45

You sound very high maintenance.

Your mother does help you - every single week.