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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you should put "No Children" on the wedding invite if they're not allowed?

203 replies

SirBoobAlot · 16/07/2010 12:21

Yes I'm bitter and I'm upset

But we received a wedding reception (not ceremony) invite a few weeks ago. I treated myself to a new dress for it, spent more than I normally would (not particularly expensive, I just don't generally shop outside of Primark ), and was really looking forward to it.

A week after DP had RSVPed, he's told that its no children.

I don't have a problem with people not having children at a wedding, that's their choice. But it would have been helpful for it to have been obvious from the off. I was really excited about going, and wearing a pretty dress for the night. I can use the dress for another wedding at the end of the year but still feel a bit put out. The reception starts at 7.30, which is DSs bed time, so there's no way I can just pop along for a bit, either.

So AIBU? Or just over sensative? (Highly possible, that...)

OP posts:
wukter · 18/07/2010 19:47

Gloria - You don't need years of training to learn how to behave at someone else's party. Grown ups know politeness and consideration of the hosts' feelings are what's required in social situations.

mumeeee · 18/07/2010 21:29

When DD1 did her wedding invitations, She looked into how they should be addressed. She found put that if she was inviting the children of a family, Then you address it to the parentsand family. If children were not invited you just put the parents on it.
So YABU to think that your DS was invited as his name wasn't on the invitation.
Could you get a babysitter for your DS

Rollercoasteryears · 18/07/2010 22:27

Surely the key to this (as a bride and groom) is flexibility and making your position clear?

DH and I got married a couple of months ago -our wedding was largely child free - our reasons were not anti-children exactly (as parents ourselves, that would be odd!) but because we were having a small wedding (65 adults) and had we included children, that would have been an extra 30ish. So a huge cost implication and a massive change of tone. Obviously don't mind children, but when 1/3 of the guests are potentially under 6, that's potentially quite chaotic...

Of course, our own DS was there and DH's nephews and niece, but others' children generally weren't. We did however make this clear on the information sheet and explained that the venue had limited numbers, so children weren't invited and we were asking people to do what they could to make childcare arrangements - but that if this was a serious problem for them and may prevent them from coming, to let us know. In the event, two of my friends did have difficulty and I said of course they could bring their toddlers. Which was fine. But 30-odd children would not have been. I genuinely think that all my friends who didn't bring their children had a better time for it - I haven't seen them all have so much fun on the dancefloor for a good 10 years!

Rollercoasteryears · 18/07/2010 22:32

P.S. So no, OP, I don't think you're BU to think that the bride and groom should make it clear, they should. But having said that, if I received an invite without DS' name on it, particularly to an evening only reception, I would assume he wasn't invited and if in doubt, would ask...

Fluffyone · 18/07/2010 22:52

Sometimes, just sometimes, it's nice to have a child-free event.

cat64 · 18/07/2010 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Booboobedoo · 19/07/2010 09:51

Once again with the 'bring the parents' argument.

Generally speaking, and I concede that this is not always the case, your parents are not your dependents, and don't need you to feed/clothe/toilet them and put them to bed.

My children live in my house WITH ME. If I get an invitation to a day-time event, I would expect it to be made explicit if they are not invited, as they are being actively excluded. It's only polite imo. (Rollercoasteryears solution sounds very sensible to me).

Also, a lot of you on this thread are extraordinarily rude equating parents wishing to bring their children to a wedding with Mumzilla-ness. Comment such as 'get over it' and 'it's not rocket-science' - apart from being hackneyed and dull - are merely inflammatory and unelpful.

I can only assume it's your intention to be so.

And for the dozen or so of you who have asked why the OP could not get a babysitter, the OP has stated several times that her baby will only take the breast.

swanandduck · 19/07/2010 09:57

I made the first Mumzilla comment and it was in response to a poster who very 'rudely' said that people who didn't invite children to their weddings were all 'bridezillas'. Also what about the comments that such people are 'odd' 'don't deserve wedding guests' etc? Is that not also 'flammatory and unhelpful'.?

scaryteacher · 19/07/2010 09:58

Do the children really enjoy these things anyway? My ds, now 14, would find set piece occasions like this hellish and he would have done when younger as well.

Booboobedoo · 19/07/2010 10:03

Swanandduck - I haven't made any bridezilla comments, and being on the other side of the fence as it were, am naturally more sensitive to the Mumzilla ones. (Hear me ROAR).

Don't think either is helpful.

Anyway, the OPs probably run a mile now, as we've all brought far too much of our own stuff to this thread.

Butterpie · 19/07/2010 10:05

Our wedding is in six weeks and we have just said all are welcome. We have cousins of friends parents coming and all sorts. It is causing a bit of puzzlement as we have no idea how many people are coming, but we reckon we can always do a supermarket deli dash if we need more food, and we can overspill into the park next to the venue if need be. We have said that food for the wedding would be very welcome if people would like to bring a gift, so I'm sure it'll be fine.

I think the whole point of a wedding party/reception is to kind of tell the entire community that you are married, so we have basically given invites to everyone we have any kind of connection to. Hoping for a lovely big friendly, chaotic, laidback wedding.

swanandduck · 19/07/2010 10:07

Yes, but you stated that one side only was extraordinarily rude, which was very unbalanced.
Also, you did say something about child free weddings being symptomatic of the 'me me me' society, which is just as judgmental as mumzilla remarks.

Booboobedoo · 19/07/2010 10:09

Judgemental, yes, but not rude.

spixblue · 19/07/2010 10:14

Butterpie - what a lovely post. I agree entirely! That's exactly what a wedding should be!

Booboobedoo · 19/07/2010 10:16

Butterpie - your wedding sounds lovely!

Although the thought of popping to deli on your wedding day...

I would have been in a cold sweat.

(But I was a Bridezilla of the first order...).

ledodgy · 19/07/2010 10:16

I would always an invite to only the reception would be no children anyway unless the invitation listed them by name.

ledodgy · 19/07/2010 10:17

*assume an invite.

mummytime · 19/07/2010 10:21

Scaryteacher : "Do the children really enjoy these things anyway? My ds, now 14, would find set piece occasions like this hellish and he would have done when younger as well."

Actually my kids do! My DDs have been looking forward to their Cousins wedding all year. I loved Weddings as a child too. DS is probably less bothered, but then as a silent Teen who knows what he really thinks. But he has agreed to go, and not wear his hoody for the day, so that must be a good sign.

Then again I take my kids to funerals too (if necessary or close).

Fayrazzled · 19/07/2010 10:21

I'd never assume my children were invited to an party that started in the evening- whether it were a wedding or some other kind of party. Do some people honestly assume that? I'm planning a 40th birthday party- would people really expect their children to be invited to that party starting at 8pm? In fact, even if they were explicitly invited I wouldn't want them there.

I think if you are breastfeeding you have to suck it up and not go rather than assume you can take a baby to an adults' party.

ifancyashandy · 19/07/2010 10:38

Fayrazzled Some people do - I know of a friend who is taking their 2yo to a mutual friends 40th birthday party. It's a relatively formal 'do'; being held in an expensive venue, people buying new frocks and the like!

They can't (or won't....) get a babysitter and really do assume that everyone else will want to see their DC! Now, it's (not putting gender in case it 'outs' me!) a cute toddler but there is no way on this earth I'll be engaging with it, past saying 'Hello' on my way to the bar!

The party givers 4 kids won't be there.

mollycuddles · 19/07/2010 11:05

Last year me, dh and 2 dcs were all invited to a 40th birthday party. It was a great night. I wouldn't go to a wedding that my children weren't invited to because I can think of nothing worse than a ponsey posh wedding do. Me and dh were invited to a midweek evening do 100 miles from home when I was about 6 months pg this spring. Our other 2 dcs are both at school and their gps were at the whole day. Clearly we wouldn't be going. No loss though. Weddings especially the dire evening dos are mostly boring. OP keep the dress for a nice night out with DH.

ifancyashandy · 19/07/2010 11:57

But that's the point Molly you and your children were invited. Sometimes they are not / won't be. And, as you rightly indicate, it's your choice whether to attend or not.

Although, the child free weddings / parties I've been invited have been fantastic!

I LOVE to party without the DD (and other peoples children!)

Realise that probably makes me a terrible, uncaring and unnatural mother in some peoples eyes!

swanandduck · 19/07/2010 12:22

Weddings with children are nice, casual, family affairs.

Weddings without children are nice, sophisticated, calmer affairs.

Both are 'nice' in different ways, so let the bride and groom choose which type they want and stop thinking that your children have to be a part of absolutely everything going on in your life, including your friends' weddings.

As for the invitation thing, I would assume that if an invitation said 'Paul and Mary' then 'Paul and Mary' only are invited. If the invitation said 'Paul and Mary and Family' or 'Paul and Mary and DS and DD' then bring the family. If the invitation says 'You are invited' check the envelope or suss it out with the bride or groom.

KERALA1 · 19/07/2010 13:52

Lets hope swanandducks eminently sensible post is the last word on the matter

minxofmancunia · 19/07/2010 14:42

agree swananduck some people seem unable and or unwilling to do anything without their children and take umbrage at the fact that others are "bridezillas" for not thinking the same.

I relish an evening piss up with out my dcs, and actively look forward to the 3 or 4 I go to a year. I'm still me, a separate person, my identity is NOT totally tangled up in being a mother. i find these types of parents tiresome tbh and when friends of ours have drifted this way since having dcs is becomes harder and harder to spend much time with them. One, because we have to be with and play with the children ALL THE TIME and two because once they're in bed we have to talk about the children ALL THE TIME.