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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you should put "No Children" on the wedding invite if they're not allowed?

203 replies

SirBoobAlot · 16/07/2010 12:21

Yes I'm bitter and I'm upset

But we received a wedding reception (not ceremony) invite a few weeks ago. I treated myself to a new dress for it, spent more than I normally would (not particularly expensive, I just don't generally shop outside of Primark ), and was really looking forward to it.

A week after DP had RSVPed, he's told that its no children.

I don't have a problem with people not having children at a wedding, that's their choice. But it would have been helpful for it to have been obvious from the off. I was really excited about going, and wearing a pretty dress for the night. I can use the dress for another wedding at the end of the year but still feel a bit put out. The reception starts at 7.30, which is DSs bed time, so there's no way I can just pop along for a bit, either.

So AIBU? Or just over sensative? (Highly possible, that...)

OP posts:
IFancyKevinELevin · 16/07/2010 15:46

I would assume the kids aren't invited if they aren't on the card, letter etc, but if it's just an invite with no names that must be really confusing.

I personally don't think either scenario is weird, just be clear about it!

We made the assumption recently with my best mate of 20 years, as a group of Uni buddies we are all nearing 40 with kids of the same ages between 3-6 years when he decided to get married this year.

He chatted on the phone to DH and myself before the invites were sent out, and as it was a Friday wedding, we were sad that about 6 of his best mates out of 8 that he'd invited probably wouldn't make it as the kids were in school. Then after checking the calendar I said, "Great it's the holidays, the kids will all be off and if people don't have holiday plans it looks like we'll all be able to make it." We then went on to discuss how great it would be to get all of our children together for the first time, including his.

He put the phone down without disputing a word. Then a week later the invites came out with just our names on them.

Very confusing!

EthelredOnAGoodDay · 16/07/2010 15:49

my view is that it is generally polite, and helpful (!) to put the names of the invited guests on the invitation.

We had no children at our wedding and again, not because we dislike children, but because if we had invited one child, we would have had to invite several other relations' and friends' children and it would have added an additional 25 or so people to our numbers; our reception venue was limited in size, so having those extra children would have meant that some of our friends could not have come. We were actually put in a similar position to one of the posters above in that one of our friends, when they RSVP'd said that they would be bringing their DD and consequently, we also felt we had to invite my bridesmaid to also bring her DD. This bridesmaid then went home after the speeches to take the DD to her nana's house, and did not come back for the evening party. I was not cross, but was sad that she had not been able to come back to enjoy the party.

We have just been to a wedding where DD (7mo) was not invited and it meant us being away for two nights - we went without her and she stayed with my mum. I know we are lucky to have family relatively close by, and we will be taking advantage of that and doing the same next month for another wedding. I am still on mat leave and consequently, i love being able to have a bit of a break from child care and also to be able to enjoy myself without constantly having to worry about when she is going to start crying etc etc. i know not everyone has that option, or wants to leave their chilren at home, but then that should not be a reason to sort of blame the couple getting married.

SanctiMoanyArse · 16/07/2010 15:49

'At my BIL and SIls wedding a woman who knew SIL, but who wasn't even invited herself, turned up to sit at the back of the church so she could watch the ceremony. She brought a baby with her who started to wail and cry during the service. She stayed throughout the service, despite the disturbance her (uninvited) baby was causing. They were having the wedding videod and when it was played back later you can't actually hear the voes because of the noise this kid was making'

NOw clearly stayng with a baby waws wrong

but otherwise churches do this; they're not allowed to stop anyone coming into a wedding anyway, no venue is, and its common for weddings to attract extra church guests;Church as part of the community and all that. Same reason you often get a bunch of people outside the Church watching the Bride coming in.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 16/07/2010 16:01

Well my brother is getting married tomorrow, and despite the fact that brother is DS' godfather, and DS is the only child in the immediate family, he is not allowed to go.

I understand not wanting hordes of friend's children there, but your own nephew?

So we replied and said that we would go to the ceremony and the meal but that then we would have to go as we have no options for overnight childcare (other than people who will be at the wedding!). Cue huge strop from brother 'oh you're not making much effort blah blah', 'can't you bring him and leave him in a local nursery for the day' WTF? On a Saturday and in a totally strange place with strangers?

Needless to say we have fallen out hugely. DH and I are going to the wedding, but we are hoping it will be the last time we see them for a very long time.

IFancyKevinELevin · 16/07/2010 16:04

When you find that elusive Nursery that's open on Saturdays till 2am let us all know!!

It's fine to ask no kids but you can't get mardy when peeps don't come can you?

SanctiMoanyArse · 16/07/2010 16:08

Yep Ali; friend hasn't spoke to us since we didn;t go to their wedding, 200 miles away, because ds2 was newborn and BF. Truly he was dh's mate and he could have gone alone but the money on the hotel (one of those weddings that run into the next day if you know the onjes I mean) would ahve bought us all a short break away, only hol for about 3 years, and he decided that was a better use (didn;t tell mate about that bit obv LOL)

never had a thanks for the gifts we sent and never spoke to us ever agin.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 16/07/2010 16:09

IFKE - I know! He kept bleating on 'oh we just want you and DH to come and enjoy yourselves'.
Well if it was a friend's wedding and we could leave DS with my parents for the weekend, then yes we would go along and enjoy ourselves.
DH's family are looking after DS for the afternoon, but they are quite disabled and couldn't manage bedtime etc up the stairs. I really think that brother thinks I'm lying/being deliberately awkward and he is being an absolute shit about it.

All very sad, my parents are heartbroken, but to some extent their fault I feel because if they had said 'you absolutely cannot do that' when the mad plan was first hatched then none of this would have arisen. But he is Mum's blue-eyed boy and seemingly musn't be told he is in the wrong.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 16/07/2010 16:11

Sancti it's bullshit isn't it? By all means say no children, but if you do that then you have to accept that people may not be able to come.

I have just bought them a present this afternoon from their gift list and I resent every single fucking penny. Twats.

Can you tell I'm annoyed?

veryconfusedandupset · 16/07/2010 16:16

I live opposite our local village hall, where there are wedding receptions nearly every Saturday evening. WE are regularly kept awake by over tired children literally screaming and running about in the garden there - what sort of person keeps 4&5 year olds up to past 11pm at an evening disco ? I certainly would not want to go to an evening party where there were tired young children who should have been in bed hours earlier.

Rockbird · 16/07/2010 16:20

Swanandduck you're talking nonsense. As of a few hours ago I was at an Irish wedding full of children. I am Irish and children are the centre of the many many weddings I've been to over the years. And yes, some of them have just pitched up. No one gave a damn. So maybe it's not the norm in your experience but don't speak for everyone else.

Ineed2 · 16/07/2010 16:25

We have been invited to OH's best mates sons wedding, we were unclear about whethter the children were invited so rang best mate to see if he knew. He said he didn't think the kids were invited but we should take them anyway!!! Can you get your breath. Have to say we are not going to take them but we are only going in the evening after have got Dd3 to bed.

swanandduck · 16/07/2010 16:25

Don't be so rude Rockbird. In my experience, backed up by another Irish poster and a link to an Irish website, children are not asked to weddings in Ireland as a matter of course. And no one I know would be happy if children just 'pitched up' at their wedding. They would think the people involved incredibly rude. I am perfectly entitled to outline what I feel is the norm in my native country. If you don't like it, tough!

wukter · 16/07/2010 16:25

Swanandduck is not talking nonsense, Rockbird.
Both of us have the same experience, so it's clearly is widespread practice if not universal.

SanctiMoanyArse · 16/07/2010 16:26

Blimey veryconfused

I was at a wedding 4 weeks ago, my Aunt; they hired a vebnue with a bouncy castle and as it was hot they ut a paddling pool outside too (parents to supervise natch)- we were warned to bring changes of clothes etc

When we left (with a 2 year old, 6 year old, 9 and 10 year olds- first time in years, hardly grounds for bad aprent award ) the party was still going strong and all teh children behaving- more than teh adults anyway (Dad groping my Mum's backside on the dance floor- after 40 years amrried not sure if that's awwwww or pmsl )

And it wasn't as if there wwere only 1 or 2 kids; Aunt is a Grandma to many including stepgrandkids (maybe 15?), and they were all tehre having a great time.

Maybe it is possible if one puts thought into it to have a great kid freiendly do? Am not saying someone MUST do that, but shouldn't be written off as an impossibility, just an option requiring different decisions

SanctiMoanyArse · 16/07/2010 16:28

Oh and maybe I should relate the experience of the wedding when 8 months pg with ds2 wher we decided to not take ds1 for teh break and bride and Groom were terribly disappointed and had a highchair ready and everything....

Always ask. The people I know would always assume children invited unless specified otherwise, DH's friends the reverse. Bloody impossible to get right without checking politely.

PuppyMonkey · 16/07/2010 16:38

Are you Catholics swananduck and Wukter?

FreeButtonBee · 16/07/2010 16:39

I should say I am irish and would say that nieces and nephews are generally invited as standard; other children - no real rule. I certainly didn't get taken to weddings by my parents if they were non-family.

JaxTellersOldLady · 16/07/2010 16:40

For an evening reception I wouldnt dream of taking the children along.

It just isnt 'done' like that in Scotland. Evening if for the adults, most children go home after the meal.

swanandduck · 16/07/2010 16:40

Yes I am and all the weddings I've been at in Ireland, bar one, were Catholic.

FindingMyMojo · 16/07/2010 16:41

Personally I think a wedding without kids probably isn't worth going to (unless it's mid-week daytime & then YIPPEE)!

However invitations will be addressed to the people (grown ups or not) that are invited to the wedding. They shouldn't have to then list the people that aren't invited.

So I think YABU to expect them to address their invites to the uninvited.

MorrisZapp · 16/07/2010 16:42

YABU

Not difficult to ring up and ask if unnamed guests are invited. Bit odd to assume they would be if it doesn't say so.

PuppyMonkey · 16/07/2010 16:45

Strange, I'm just trying to work out what could account for the difference in our experiences is all... I'm Catholic too though, so apparently not that!

swanandduck · 16/07/2010 16:45

Personally I think a wedding without kids probably isn't worth going to.

Why? Not being sarky, just genuinely curious.

swanandduck · 16/07/2010 16:47

Puppy

Could it be a rural urban thing? Although I have been at lots of country weddings where children were also kept to a minimum. Maybe it's just something your family tend to do??

wukter · 16/07/2010 16:47

Ditto Swanandduck.

Freebuttonbee is correct ime regarding Irish weddings.
I am getting married in September - that's the way I am planning it. If I invited my friends children as well, there'd be 30 children under 5 there. God no.
That's my opinion and itzmyday.

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