To think you should put "No Children" on the wedding invite if they're not allowed?

[SirBoobAlot]

Yes I'm bitter and I'm upset

But we received a wedding reception (not ceremony) invite a few weeks ago. I treated myself to a new dress for it, spent more than I normally would (not particularly expensive, I just don't generally shop outside of Primark ), and was really looking forward to it.

A week after DP had RSVPed, he's told that its no children.

I don't have a problem with people not having children at a wedding, that's their choice. But it would have been helpful for it to have been obvious from the off. I was really excited about going, and wearing a pretty dress for the night. I can use the dress for another wedding at the end of the year but still feel a bit put out. The reception starts at 7.30, which is DSs bed time, so there's no way I can just pop along for a bit, either.

So AIBU? Or just over sensative? (Highly possible, that...)

Getting married in Oct and not having children there - it's a small ceremony and reception (25 max), so inviting people's kids would really mean inviting fewer close friends. There are already people we're unable to invite (but it is of course our decision to do it small). We're going to state 'no children' (words to that effect), and hope parents look forward to having a day off : )

Actually I think cute kids would probably be acceptable for OK-style photo-shoot, but nothing that detracts from the overall perfection which has been years in the planning. Sadly ime these are also the shortest-lived marriages - because the control-freakery displayed at the wedding cannot be carried over into real life. Ironically it's probably the arrival of children (their own) which tips them over the edge.

geekygiraffe that comment was not aimed at you .

Lillian you obviously have very odd friends. Have you actually met people like this?

Also big difference IMO between:

• Not inviting children (other than close family members perhaps) because its after 7pm and there are space / cost constraints (I think this is ok)

AND

• Telling someone who asked that they can't bring their EBF tiny baby who can't be left with anyone.

(I think this is a bit off)

Interestingly, I've only this week received a wedding invite from a work friend. I gave birth two weeks ago and the baby will be two months old at the time of the wedding. Only mine and DH's names are on the invite and there is no mention of whether children are allowed. I've been invited to both day and evening.

My DS is breast-fed and I don't think it'll be easy to get childcare (would only want grandparents to do it at this stage). And I would be a bit concerned about the baby making lots of noise during the ceremony. I'm thinking of accepting just the daytime and hoping the inlaws can take him for that bit, but I do find it a bit strange that my friend hasn't mentioned it at all considering that she knows I've just given birth! Before this week I was only expecting to get an evening invite at most as I knew they were having a tough time on numbers, so I really appreciate the invite and don't want to seem ungrateful. Will have to just ask her (she's on hol at the mo) for more details and hope we can work something out.

I have been to their weddings!

Also, childcare is on the assumption that if I express milk he'll take a bottle - haven't actually tried it yet!

Kerala - that's the kind of reciprocal childcare I'd love to have in the future, but we've not yet left him overnight, so that would be a bit intense for a first time I think.

Wrt to the bridezilla vs mumzilla remarks, the thing is that kids are dependents. If people have dependents and you want them to be at your wedding, then show them some consideration.

I'm not saying that having an evening do is inconsiderate, but having your wedding two-hundred miles from where most of your friends and family live and expecting them to leave their dependents behind for the best part of three days is not particularly considerate imo.

If you're not bothered about them being there, fine.

Booboobedo - I agree again. We've been invited to weddings in Paris and Berlin this year - if the kids weren't invited we couldn't go. It's one thing going out for the evening down the road and making your usual babysitting arrangements it's a bit different if you are away for the weekend.

I think there are cultural differences in this and it can be hard to know.

I specified all the names (MrsH, MrH, kidH1, kidH2...) to go onto invitations at our wedding.

My mother, who grew up in West Africa, stripped all the children's names off before she sent them out (but still expected the children to come).

I also went to a wedding in London child-free and heard through the grapevine that the bride was very upset that my children (not mentioned on the invitation) did not come as she'd made special arrangements for them. She and her husband were brought up in the UK but she has Italian heritage and he has Palestenian.

I'm Irish and never heard of expecting children to be invited to weddings until I read threads debating the point on MN.
I've been at lots of weddings where there were a few children, usually neices and nephews, and lots where there were none at all.
And I've missed out on weddings because all my babysitters were going to the wedding.

But the point I'm making is that I'd never persume the invitation to anything included my dc unless it mentioned them. I've been at Christenings where due to space constraints they could only let immediate family bring children, so mine weren't invited, so the invite just had mine, and dh's name on. Same if I get a text or verbal invite to any occasion. The person usually says "all of you" if the dc are included, and I take it they're not otherwise.
I'm amazed that anyone would just think that an invite sent to them automatically included their dc.

if my children weren't named on the invitation i wouldn't assume they were invited, i would check first

lilliangish no offence taken : ) It's the least OK-style wedding in the world anyway...

swanandduck the reason I far prefer weddings with kids, is for me weddings (christenings, Christmas, birthday & anniversary parties etc) are family celebrations and I mean family in quite an extended way. Most of the weddings I've been to have included children, and the whole energy they bring to the day really adds something. It's about togetherness & life & joy & celebration - why would you exclude children from that? And kids can quite easily be accommodated really.

Also, I don't think I know anyone who would exclude children - if the people were family or close enough friends to be invited, then their kids would be included.

For an evening wedding I can understand why younger kids might not enjoy it so much & parents would choose a babysitter instead. But to exclude a baby, when you know it will therefore prevent the people you have invited from attending - it just seems so wrong to me. Esp when the OP would clearly be very considerate, and thoughtful about taking the baby out of the room if she needs to etc. Clearly the bride and groom can have the wedding they want, but it does seem to be harsh of them IMO.

tbh if you are only invited to an evening reception that i would assume that children wouldnt be invited as it is prob a 7.30 start and therefore bedtime - why on earth would anyone want their child being dragged out then (not just you op but anyone going to evening do's)

ALWAYS check when rsvping if invite doesnt name names

i didnt have children at my reception (and im a nanny who therefore loves and adores children) but not on my day

if i had invited one, then i would have had to invite all, and as nearly all my friends have children that would have been another 50+people running about

for all day weddings the ideal solution is for the bride and groom to pay for some nannys and have a wedding creache at the place (i am doing one tomorrow) for parents to drop off as and when and then be looked after in evening when they are asleep and so you as a guest can enjoy the wedding reception

I wouldn't take DD to an evening reception (whether her name was on the invite or not)if that was what we were invited to because she would be miserable and tired.

However, tomorrow I'm going to my very close cousin's wedding and she has not mentioned whether children are invited or not so we are taking DD. I feel a bit of an idiot after reading this thread as I did not check with cousin if DD was invited or not (have seen cousin about 5 times since invites went out) and just assumed that as there was not a "we will not be having children blah blah blah" info sheet in the invite, she would be. She is too young to have a meal provided (I shall be bringing her food) but I do feel a bit concerned now.

I do plan on sitting at the back of the church in case she kicks off and we need to step outside.

Oh well, we'll see what happens at 2pm tomorrow.

WEll my brother is geting married in October and my future sister-in-law told me when I was 6 months 8 pregnant that our baby would not be welcome at the wedding. DD will be 6 months old at time of wedding (which is 200miles away). I was told (very shortly!) that children welcome at the wedding int eh church but not at reception. She suggested I "bring somebody with us to babysit at night"!!I should say we would have to stay two nights to attend the whole wedding. She then suggested that she get somebody at the hotel to babysit or could I not leave the baby at home with a friend. I expained that I didn't want to leave my DD for two night at 6 months old so suggested that we leave after the dinner so the evening could be grown up but was told no. She is having her best friends kids and brothers kids in the wedding party so they are all going to be there all night but my baby can't come! Basically we have decided not to go the wedding. Just sad that they were happy to have kids potentially screaming thru the service - the important part of the day, but not wanting the party ruined! Sad sad sad. Kids at weddings is always an emotive subject. We only had family kids and all my friends were fine with it, we were up front about it from before the invited went out so as not to upset anyone.

If your names not down, you're not coming in

I always assume that if DDs name isn't on an invite she isn't invited. Can't think of anything worse than assuming she was invited and then finding that she wasn't. Puts the hosts in a really difficult position and embarrassing all round.

We had to decline an invitation recently as DD wasn't on the invite and we couldn't get overnight childcare (wedding 150 miles away). Explained that we would have loved to have been there but we couldn't get childcare. Wished them a great day and said we were looking forward to seeing the pictures and hearing all about it. Bride & groom got in touch to say they had assumed that we would assume DD was invited and could we all make it. Explained our assumption and we are now all going. I would still always assume that unless DD was on the invite she wasn't invited though.

We had a 'child-free' wedding - the only child there was our 2 year old son. A few of our friends had toddlers and our small venue with roof terrace, etc wasn't exactly child-friendly. We wanted our friends to have a great time (without the kids) and explained this to them.

They were all totally fine with it and glad of the opportunity of a night out without the kids! We gave them a years notice for the childcare thing - the only friend who was a bit strange at first was the pregnant one - once she listened to all of us wax lyrical about the opportunity of a night out as adults, she seemed ok (we all live a long way from home, so rarely get out at night due to no babysitters).

Our son had both sets of grandparents, all the aunties and uncles to look after him and every9one had a great time. As long as the intention is made clear, I don't see the problem. It was our wedding, we didn't want a bunch of screaming children there (all age 1-3), just a relaxing day. That was what we got and everyone loved it.

As long as it is clear (we personally spoke to all with children to explain before the invites came out), I don't see why anyone can be annoyed.

That would never happen at an indian wedding. Weddings are family celebrations / events and all and sundry are invited to attend! Fantastic fun, no faffing. Just one big great party.

I could never ever imagine not taking my child to a family / friend wedding.

We had a no kids wedding (excepting babies who didn't need their own place) as we didn't want to sacrifice 20 or so places at our venue for children and leave out our friends. Also didn't want the faff of sorting out goodie bags/childrens entertainer etc and wanted everyone to be able to relax and enjoy themselves. No one minded and all the parents relished the opportunity for a planeed night away from the kids, they knew a year in advance.

Since we've had our 2 dcs we've been to a few weddings all of them child free apart from the most recent where dd was a flower girl, dh was an usher and I was doing a reading. ds was only 2 weeks old and tbh it was the most colossal ball ache ever. Obviously I couldn't leave ds at 2 weeks but now he's older any future wedding we go to we will be arranging childcare/babysitters so we can at least enjoy ourselves in the eve even if children are welcome.

For those of you who thin your dcs "should" be invited to weddings why on earth are you so precious about it? They might be the centre of your world but they aren't anyone elses I'm afraid.

I have been to a couple of child free do's where some people pitched up with their toddlers regardless and put the bride and groom in an awful position. This to my mind is unspeakably rude and I'd be surprised if they were still mates with them after that.

firsttimemum and findingmymojo. Completely agree that weddings ought to be about the whole family/ village/ community. It's really important for children to see and learn about being part of society. It's no wonder that some children do misbehave when they are finally 'let out' if they've never been at a formal social event before.

Swanandduck - your argument doesn't make sense to me. If people are excluding children from their expensive 'do' on the grounds of the cost, then why not go back to the village hall/ parent's garden? We did it, so did my sister - all the children came. We put on a (optional) children's table for the meal and organised games and treasure hunts to keep them busy. It was wonderful.

And emptyshell - a baby 'ruined' your wedding day? WTF???