To think you should put "No Children" on the wedding invite if they're not allowed?

[SirBoobAlot]

Yes I'm bitter and I'm upset

But we received a wedding reception (not ceremony) invite a few weeks ago. I treated myself to a new dress for it, spent more than I normally would (not particularly expensive, I just don't generally shop outside of Primark ), and was really looking forward to it.

A week after DP had RSVPed, he's told that its no children.

I don't have a problem with people not having children at a wedding, that's their choice. But it would have been helpful for it to have been obvious from the off. I was really excited about going, and wearing a pretty dress for the night. I can use the dress for another wedding at the end of the year but still feel a bit put out. The reception starts at 7.30, which is DSs bed time, so there's no way I can just pop along for a bit, either.

So AIBU? Or just over sensative? (Highly possible, that...)

And as for the invite thing, that is definitely cultural. Eg at indian weddings - you generally hand out one invite per family but it goes without saying that that includes the whole family (including your children and aged dependent MIL etc).

minx When I got married, I didn't have any children and even though my friends children weren't the centre of my world, I did know that they were the centre of their world. I invited children and then if they wanted to come on their own and be child free then that was ok but if they wanted their children there that was ok too. None of them turned up without kids and I was so pleased as the children made the day all about love and family and the future.

I have 2 children now and in our family, children are invited to all evening parties (birthdays, anniversary's, engagements etc) and they all love it. They are always well behaved, probably because they have been brought up going to events and know how to act there. My 2 year old DS spends the entire night on the dancefloor swaying and twirling. If the children get tired the parents go home but this has rarely happened. Usually the children are gutted when it finishes.

If you really don't want children at a wedding, only put the names of the grown ups or actually state "no children". This is fine with me but then you shouldn't moan when people don't want to come.

IMO, life is getting a bit child intolerant. I know some parties which have been completely ruined by drunken people, arguing within families. Never by children.

chiccadee

Not everyone wants a wedding in the village hall. People are different and saying that everyone should have the kind of wedding you want is unfair. I don't care if people want to have their wedding reception on the moon, if that's their thing. What I really hate is people dictating that everyone should have child friendly weddings. Some people like that,some people don't. It is the bride and groom's day and making nasty remarks about bridezillas, people being 'odd' etc because they have invited adults and nieces and nephews only is very unfair. I don't criticise people who invite children to their wedding, that is what they want. It was not what I and lots of other people on this thread wanted or could afford.

Well said Swanandduck.

chicadee village halls/parents garden and organised games and treasure hunts for kids is not something we wanted on our big day, why should people have to do stuff like this for in our case the sake of the minority of the guests just to keep the mumzillas happy?? It's nonsense.

The venue we wanted had 2 function rooms, one for 120 max and one for 500 (the banqueting hall), obviously we booked the 120 room, we don't know 500 people neither could we afford it!! We went fot the 120 room, at least 30 of those were friends of my parents, take away family then it doesn't leave much over for friends. Other friends of ours had a 100 capacity venue so 50 people each and the bride had a HUGE family. This is the reality for a lot of people they simply can't accommodate loads of children just to keep their precious parents happy (although I do agree babies should always be welcome, they take up hardly any space and can sleep in the pram!)

It's an evening do, as you say, after kids' bedtimes, and they are not named on the invitation, I would say YABU.

The ceremony and daytime celebrations are IMO a "family" thing, but getting pissed up and dancing to "come on Eileen" is not really a child orientated activity.

For my wedding we had numbers issues (having to keep very tight due to the venue) and only children of family members, not friends, were invited, if children were invited, they were put on the invitation. Surely that's as clear as you can be without adding "If your name's not in the invite, you're not coming in". We didn't separate the evening and ceremony, it was all or nothing, but if we had, I can't imagine asking people to bring children along, most took them away for the evening!

it is a bit rubbish to have not made it clear but how exactly were you going to go with your DS if it was after his bedtime...? maybe they just assumed that as it was evening thing that people wouldn't be bringing their DCs. Is there no way you can get a babysitter for a couple of hours?

'chicdee village halls/parents garden and organised games and treasure hunts for kids is not something we wanted on our big day, why should people have to do stuff like this for in our case the sake of the minority of the guests just to keep the mumzillas happy?? It's nonsense'

I think most people who do it don't do it for some mumzilla notion but becuase they want to do it

We did, our friends and aunt did

And I don't think I am a mumzilla but friends and relatives are aware that the only babysitter qwe have access to is Mum, and she if often away, so a blanket no child rule may as well see us not sent an invite at all.

Not just weddings, I missed my own graduation for same reason- am sitter-free, not awkward!

I also think I wold eprsonally use flexibility: therte's a big diffference between a 3 year old who might scream then kick off all day, and a twelve year old who ought to be learning to behave in formal public. We attend awards ceremonies each eyar and have not taken the boys before but when they turn 12 we will, they are old enough then to be expected to behave (they do aprticipate in what the awards are for)

Swanandduck - it's not about what I wanted though. I could have happily opted for a posh do but it would have meant me getting married without the support and company of some of my best friends and family because they couldn't arrange childcare. I took the view that I would rather compromise on the budget and location, and focus on the people, IYSWIM.

I do think there is a cultural element to it. In some cultures, family and friends are everything - and having a wedding is about being inclusive. It would be regarded as the height of rudeness in some cultures not to invite the whole extended family. I accept that other cultures have less of a family or child focus - but personally I do find it sad for the children in those situations.

thesecondcoming "we often get people contacting us to say 'do you want to bring the kids or not' prior to the invites being sent out for weddings etc,the answer is always 'not'... "

That was actually my experience. When I got married not that many of my friends had children older than babies, and those that did were very much "we're leaving with MIL and coming to get drunk and have a lie in"

One thing I've noticed from this thread is that there is a split between those who have very big families and those who dont- so at our wedding only 20 of 125 guests were family of either DH or I (both have small families) and there were no children from "the family" so it was a pretty easy decision for us to make it child free. If we'd both had big families with lots of nieces and nephews then we probably would have had a different format.

If their names were not on the invitation, then they never were invited.

A couple of friends are planning wedding at the moment, and they are really stuggling to keep with the max numbers for their respective venues - inviting everyones children would mean that some of their dear friends would be missed off.

Just wondering: how can a baby 'upstage' the bride? I mean - another woman in a floor-length white dress, yes, maybe. A small, crying, possibly slightly smelly bundle being hurried out of the church by mum - not so much.

I just find it very strange.

LittleRed... I think the point was that the small crying possibly slightly smelly bundle wasn't hurried out of the church by mum. Instead the mum stayed in the church with the crying bundle and the vows couldn't be heard by the invited guests.

Yeah, I understand sand - I just think 'upstage' is a bit of a bridezilla-y word! The baby just did what babies do, it was rude of the mum not to leave, but come on: it's not 'upstaging' her really, is it?

I think it may be simpler just to add a little note on the invite specifying if children are/are not invited. Some people are not familiar with ettiquette or cultural differences and it helps if everyone understands in the 1st place.
Other than that, there's no point getting in a tizzy about it, either accept or politely decline.

I think if it wasn't clear from the invite then I would clarify whether children were included in the invite.

Have done this in the past. It just seems sensible to clarify before you go out buying new dresses.

I'm surprised how many people on here don't get the 'No children' wedding.

WHY?! I can't honestly understand why you would ever bring children to a wedding or reception?

The majority of the time they whinge and cry and make a nuisance of themselves, if you take them to the reception they get overtired and become real stinkers!

And yes, I do have children and I love them dearly. But never in a million years would I take them to a wedding or wedding reception...

Chiccadee, your perfect day would be my wedding from hell.

Oh I do agree with you Lauries, well said. I think it's part of a wider picture of some 21st century parents who simply don't grasp that their children are not the centre of everyone else's universe too.

Setting aside the weirdness of trying to pretend that children don't exist, let alone belong at special events, I do wonder sometimes how all these uninvited children are ever to learn the niceties of a formal do. Perhaps that's why they behave so badly when arranging their own weddings.

PS. It might be the case nowadays but it was never the correct procedure to put the names of children and babies on a family invitation. One of the reasons being that said babies and children would not be making independent decisions about their attendance. Which is why I'd probably still assume that unmentioned children were actually invited as part of the family group.

Boobs can you not let your mum look after him?

gloriasmut "setting aside the weirdness of pretending children don't exist"

Who's pretending they don't exist??? And as for learning how to behave at a formal do why not take my dds class from nursery along to the next wedding you're invited to and teach them the "niceties of how to behave at formal do's", I'm sure the happy couple would be more than willing to accommodate this, all for the sake of social learning .

sometimes just for ONE DAY ie someone ELSES wedding which is THEIR DAY your little darlings may not be welcome for various reasons.

Get over it.

Just because children happen to not be invited to the occasional social event, it doesn't mean that they will be closeted indoors until they are adults and never learn the niceties of good behaviour. There will be parties, anniversary celebrations, even some weddings, where they will be invited, giving their parents plenty of opportunity to teach them some basics of polite behaviour.
I see this as simply a matter of choice. The people getting married choose if they want an adult function, or if they want a more family atmosphere with children running about. The people invited choose whether or not they want to go. Neither side has any right to get offended or make a fuss to the other. If you aren't sure if your children are invited or not, just pick up the phone and ask.