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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think she's a bridezilla??

221 replies

bridesmaidzilla · 13/07/2010 21:22

My friend is getting married in December and decided to book her bridemaids dresses fitting on my wedding anniversery (tomorrow) - I mentioned this when she told me 3 months ago and she said I know but it will only be for about 2/3 hours.

Anyway, 2 months ago she informed me we had to purchase our own shoes but she didn't want me to have too high a heel!!

I have arranged for a friend to have my dc's tomorrow - my dc's know her well as she's my closest friend - friend is willing to have dc's as long as needed.

Bride has rang me tonight to say she'll pick me up at 9am (changed from 10am) and I said I'd drive in case any problems etc I can leave if needs be. I cannot go before 9.30am as dc's have swimming lessons - and I've said I'll drive to meet her and others at the bride shop. When I asked her how long she thought we'd be (as friend has dc's, I have optitions at 4pm, and DH is home early so we can have takeout for anniversery).

She was extremly 'off' with me stating that there was no time limit she'd set and she wanted me to have a day without worrying about my dc's (she doesn't have dc's) and after bride shop visit to go into the city about 30 mins away and buy the shoes.

I said that I didn't expect to be buying the shoes tomorrow and that as I am going on holiday in 2 weeks do not have the money. Also have had unexpected bills this month e.g car broke down and now problems with my glasses hence opitions appointment which I've had yo get them to squeeze in (work weekdays)

I suggested that if she wanted us all to wear the same shoes she bought them (don't wanna pay more than £50) and I pay her back next month. She has refused this.

She was extremly rude to me about the optitions appointment and I explained it's the only one they have this week that I can attend and need new glasses sorted asap (can't see without them) and it takes 7-10 days for them to be made and need them before I go away - and she had said originally 10am for a FEW hours.

So AIBU or is she being a bridezilla and WWYD???

OP posts:
spixblue · 14/07/2010 10:01

Meh. What a load of stress. Imo it does sound like the bride is on one of those 'bend to my will' trips that one associates with the pressure of many modern weddings. Try not to let it hurt your friendship. Make sure you set aside time to have a long chat about what you can offer her and what she expects of you. If you can't meet with her expectations, tell her now so it doesn't spoil her oversized day.

rewardgirl · 14/07/2010 10:06

Boss - I completely disagree I'm afraid.

IF the bride to be had originally arranged for the whole day to be taken up, she should've made sure that she picked a day that was suitable for everyone. I would NEVER have the audacity to expect everyone to just drop everything that they're doing to suit MY whims just because I was getting married! Outrageous!

I think that the OP has fit her other commitments round the fittings very well, if the goal posts are moved at the last minute, it's not her fault and the bride needs to see that she can't just change her mind on a whim and expect everyone to automatically fall in line with her, otherwise she's going to have a LOT of stress nearer the time - e.g. with caterers etc who will not appreciate her blazing in with last-minute changes on a whim.

Oo - me cage is rattled....

LittleMissHissyFit · 14/07/2010 10:13

jesus bridesmaidzilla, your 'friend' knows about the accident, the broken neck and the fact you have not left your DC with anyone since then...

She knew all this and STILL insisted on having a sodding FITTING on your wedding anniversary, a day, if the situation hadn't have turned out for the better, that could have been you mourning the fact that your DH wasn't with you anymore?

FGS, If she is that heartless, I wouldn't be her friend, let alone her bloody bridesmaid.

I agree with all those that say back out, politely, but back out.

Tell her that since the accident, there have been many things you have now re-thought and you are putting your DH and family foremost.

I am shocked at how selfish that 'bride' is. does she think that micromanaging one bloody day to the point of offending others means that her marriage will actually last? If she is this self centred, I can't think it will, regardless of how 'perfect' it all looks!

TheBossofMe · 14/07/2010 10:15

reward - I can see that other people have commitments, but I also remember how lovely it was being a bride, and how nice it was to have other people sharing my joy, and to me the OP just sounds a bit joyless and as if she's treating her friends wedding as a chore. Its fine to not really care about other people's weddings (lawd knows I've had some dull ones!), but I reckon if you don't, then don't be a bridesmaid. Because, otherwise, as I said before, you're just any other guest at the wedding, but one in a lovely dress paid for by the bride.

TBH, if I were you OP, and you really are unable to change your plans, I'd call the bride, explain your reasons for not being able to do the opticians on any other day, why leaving your DCs for a long time is a big deal after the crash. But also I would offer her something - maybe say that, when you're back from hols, or when you'e ready to buy the shoes, you would really like to spend the day with her doing nice weddingy things. I think both of you need to unclench a bit, TBH.

londonone · 14/07/2010 10:17

Why can't the husband look after the DCs?

proudnsad · 14/07/2010 10:21

Jack - no issue with OP. Was responding to a very aggressive and het up Chippingin who suddenly accused me of not being able to read and attacking me with italics simply because I disagree with her view. Boy was she angry, very odd.

Fwiw I haven't and never attack anyone personally or call posters names, but chipp did and now you've called me a cow.

TheBossofMe · 14/07/2010 10:30

londonone - I think he might work on a Saturday, not sure, but OP refers to him coming home early so they can do something in the evening.

londonone · 14/07/2010 10:46

So if he is at work then it was hardly a big deal that it was their anniversary.

nickelbabe · 14/07/2010 10:57

she also referred to her being out all day, and then them both being out in the evening - i took that to mean that he was looking after them all day for her.
but that it was the first time since the accident that she'd gone out without them.

TheBossofMe · 14/07/2010 10:59

nickel - she talks about her DH getting home early so they can have takeout, so not going out in the evening, and DH not being at home during day. Also about using sitter during day.

PlumBumMum · 14/07/2010 11:03

chippingin & proudnsad you have both cheered me up today

OP YANBU, BUT,
When I did bridesmaid for my very bestest friend she asked us out to a dress fitting 4 weeks after my ds was born who I was bf, he stayed at home,
then another day to see her try on a dress I took him with me,
then another day for her again the other bridesmaid was on holidays and couldn't make it she didn't mind, so I got my dcs minded again and spent the day out with her, I never said anything,

A year later after she had her twins she rang me one day to apologise, she couldn't believe she made me go out so soon after having a baby to try on bridesmaid dresses,

so hang in there if you value your friendship she will appreciate it someday!

nickelbabe · 14/07/2010 11:05

anyway, i can see both sides, too.

your commitment to being a bridesmaid means that you do have to do things that the bride wants, and apparantly this dressfitting day thing is a big deal.

however, you should have asked her to do a different day when she arranged it for your anniversary - other things you could have done at other times, or why can't your DH take your son swimming?

but then, i can see how tough it must be for you to leave your DCs for the first time since the accident, and that you really didn't realise it would be an all day event.

what you need to do, as has already been mentioned, is to explain to the bride that you really couldn't change all your other things (family first now cos of the accident) and that you want to spend another day with her (just you two) closer to the time when you can really be girlish together and try on those shoes.

nickelbabe · 14/07/2010 11:06

boss- tbh it was all a bit confusing!

i remember her saying sitter, but thought it only referred to the evening.

nickelbabe · 14/07/2010 11:09

got it!
"friend is willing to have dc's as long as needed."

it's in the blinkin' OP!

slushy · 14/07/2010 11:11

I think if she had specified previously that she wanted the whole day and did it on a different day then it would be fine.

I think she is being a bit of a bridezilla. But try not to get het up over it I should imagine everyone is at some point in their life.

However I am currently saving (albeit very slowly) for my wedding and I want Proudandsad to be my bridesmaid .

fedupofnamechanging · 14/07/2010 11:13

While a wedding is the most imp event ever to the bride and groom, I think they need to accept that it is not the centre of everyone elses universe. People do have DC, jobs and their own imp events. Other peoples weddings can be a bit of a chore. Agreeing to be a bridesmaid, doesn't mean you have to be at the beck and call of the bride for months beforehand.

I saw a woman on tv moaning that the best man hadn't paid for a suite at the hotel for the groom. Admittedly that was in America and may be the norm, but it seems a bit much to me that other peoples weddings cost so much in time and money and the couple getting married seem to have no appreciation of other peoples efforts. Think brides need to calm down a bit generally

TheBossofMe · 14/07/2010 11:24

karma - that's [shocked], but think its expected in the US!

Not sure the OP is making any effort at all, TBH, but that's just my take on it. I had lovely friends who lavished care and attention on me on dress choosing day, hen do and wedding day (also lots of champagne and chocolate), guess we're not all so lucky

indochichi · 14/07/2010 11:25

I think both sides are being a bit U here.

One thing though - people are claiming the bride shouldn't have chosen OP's wedding anniversary day. But there is a flip side to that - the OP could have said 'I absolutely can't make that date, sorry, end of'. She didn't.

In any event, it being the OP's wedding anniversary seems a bit irrelevant.

TheBossofMe · 14/07/2010 11:26

damn - that should have been:

karma - that's , but think its expected in the US!

whatname · 14/07/2010 11:40

ok my best friend did exactly this.
We both thought that what we had to do was more important.
Once I explained that her "big" day was really important to me and I wanted to get excited and have fun organising it, but I just couldn't make the couple of dates she had suggested, it was all ok.
BTW, hated the dress, hated the £70 shoes, and was bored stiff with the dress trying on scenarios, but I did it all with a smile on my face because I did it for her.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 14/07/2010 12:15

Proudnsad - when you were listing how the OP had burst the bride's bubble, I felt you were being somewhat unreasonable towards the OP.

She has made arrangements based on what the bride asked of her - for example, she arranged childcare for her dc so she could go bridesmaid dress shopping, and arranged that childcare based on the times that the bride gave her, then made other arrangements around those times - the swimming lessons fitted in nicely with the original time given by the bride, and the optician's appointment (which is somewhat vital, and has to happen then so the OP has her glasses before her holiday).

She knew she had to buy the shoes herself, and presumeably has decided to buy them after her holiday, and has budgeted accordingly - she'll have the shoes in time for the wedding, and thought she was being left to arrange when to buy them herself.

The OP was doing her best to fit in with what the bride had said she wanted. She's made decisions based on what the bride has told her - hardly that unreasonable.

Now the bride is changing things at the last moment, and you are expecting the OP to drop everything and fit in with the bride. Her children must miss a swimming lesson, she must manage without her glasses - this is the only appointment she can get with the optician that will ensure she gets her glasses before her holiday - but that's OK, because it seems as if you think she shouldn't be having a holiday this year, in order that she can afford a hugely expensive pair of shoes that she may only be able to wear once!

If she'd known earlier on that the bride wanted a nice girly day out to choose dresses, she might have been able to make arrangements to be able to go - but she doesn't possess a crystal ball, so how was she supposed to know that the bride was going to change the arrangements at the last moment?

Why is it unreasonable to think that the bride, who presumeably knows what a difficult year her bridesmaid has had (husband with a broken neck, financial circumstances etc) could be a bit more considerate and reasonable, and to take into account that the OP has a family and responsibilities to that family, and that her circumstances may mean that she can't devote all her time and family finances to the bride's wedding?

GeekOfTheWeek · 14/07/2010 12:27

Well said SDTG.

paisleyleaf · 14/07/2010 12:31

Yep, bridezilla. yanbu
I agree with STDG

swanandduck · 14/07/2010 12:41

I can understand her being a bit annoyed that you made an optician appointment for a day that you had known for months would be the day for choosing your bridesmaid's dress. You really didn't have to do that.

However, refusing to lend you the money for the shoes sounds very mean.
So YABabitU.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 14/07/2010 12:44

In fairness, swanandduck, the OP was told she'd be needed at 10am for 2-3 hours, so made an optician's appointment for 4pm - some three hours after the bride had said she'd be free - not that unreasonable, surely?