to think she's a bridezilla??

[bridesmaidzilla]

My friend is getting married in December and decided to book her bridemaids dresses fitting on my wedding anniversery (tomorrow) - I mentioned this when she told me 3 months ago and she said I know but it will only be for about 2/3 hours.

Anyway, 2 months ago she informed me we had to purchase our own shoes but she didn't want me to have too high a heel!!

I have arranged for a friend to have my dc's tomorrow - my dc's know her well as she's my closest friend - friend is willing to have dc's as long as needed.

Bride has rang me tonight to say she'll pick me up at 9am (changed from 10am) and I said I'd drive in case any problems etc I can leave if needs be. I cannot go before 9.30am as dc's have swimming lessons - and I've said I'll drive to meet her and others at the bride shop. When I asked her how long she thought we'd be (as friend has dc's, I have optitions at 4pm, and DH is home early so we can have takeout for anniversery).

She was extremly 'off' with me stating that there was no time limit she'd set and she wanted me to have a day without worrying about my dc's (she doesn't have dc's) and after bride shop visit to go into the city about 30 mins away and buy the shoes.

I said that I didn't expect to be buying the shoes tomorrow and that as I am going on holiday in 2 weeks do not have the money. Also have had unexpected bills this month e.g car broke down and now problems with my glasses hence opitions appointment which I've had yo get them to squeeze in (work weekdays)

I suggested that if she wanted us all to wear the same shoes she bought them (don't wanna pay more than £50) and I pay her back next month. She has refused this.

She was extremly rude to me about the optitions appointment and I explained it's the only one they have this week that I can attend and need new glasses sorted asap (can't see without them) and it takes 7-10 days for them to be made and need them before I go away - and she had said originally 10am for a FEW hours.

So AIBU or is she being a bridezilla and WWYD???

Yes bridezilla should have spelled out her intentions in triplicate with penalty clauses for deviations. Is everyone so inflexible with their plans? Must make life very difficult.

It sounds like a communication problem to me. And whilst the bride may have lost a leetle perspective, surely if you have agreed to be someone's bridesmaid you do so because you want to support them and enjoy being part of the event? If you are going to act like the whole thing is a huge pain in the arse (even if it sometimes IS) then you are better off not doing it at all.

Which is the point I have been trying to make mazzy. Why don't you read my list of your balloon bursting OP and actually think about your friend, not yourself.

Proudnsad - PMSL - what all two of my italicised words...?? Yes, really over the top?! Did it make it just a tiny bit too difficult for you to read what was written?

I will type this slowly for you...

The OP is making herself available for a day that is very special to the bride the wedding day. As for this 'fitting day' - there is nothing wrong with what the bride would like to happen on the day, but she should have told the OP that and chosen a day to suit them all. She said she was only needed for a few hours from 10 - now she's getting arsey because the OP isn't available from 9, all day - on her anniversary.

YANBU.Why does it take all day to choose a dress? When I was a bridesmaid it took about an hour.Also do not understand why you have to buy your shoes 5 months in advance. Yes she does sound a bit of a bridezilla but that seems to be acceptable nowadays.

Two italics, one bold. No can't keep up, you're right. Could you print it in caps and phonetics next time pleae?

And what's this big deal with anniversaries..are we all supposed to celebrate them all day long, running through meadows and re-newing our vows? Oh just a minute that would imply the OP cared very much about her own wedding...

Thanks for the comments.

Yes it is the fact she's suddenly changed the plans last minute and actually was rude to me about the fact I have my dc's to sort out and anniversery plans with DH. Opitions apt was made on the assumption I'd be home by 1pm and it's not until 4pm.

Sorry about misleading bit in op it's Saturday not tomorrow.

Proudnad - I see you have a different opinion and thats ok - in fact me and dh would like to run through meadows etc this year as had a bad year. Had a car accident (together) and his neck was broken, he has had surgery and can walk again so used insurance money for new car and holiday to celebrate that he's alive and can walk.

We have not left dc's with anyone since this (they were with sitter when accident happened)apart from school/childminder and this is a big step me leaving them for a day to go out and us BOTH leaving them and going out together.

YANBU

It is one thing to expect you to make sacrifices for her big day. It is quite another to expect your husband (who'll also want to celebrate his anniversary) and your kids (who might well very much enjoy their swimming lessons) to make sacrifices too.

If I was you I think I'd be tempted to tell your friend that I didn't feel I could make the sort of commitment she wanted and didn't want to spoil her big day, and back out gracefully that way.

I would just like to say as a bride to be (Wedding in September, so plans in full swing) she is definitely being bridezilla, and YADNBU.

I have 4 bridesmaids. I've arranged fittings on a day that suits them; told them to get their own shoes, but when they can afford it and ones that they are comfortable with (as long as they go with the dresses) and have checked if they have prior arrangements/childcare available for the day we wanted the fitting. It's called compromise. Some women just get totally swept away and forget that other people have lives too when they're planning a wedding.
Good luck saturday, I hope she's nicer to you when you get there!

does seem a tad bridzilla

a few hours is very different to all day ESP on your wa

and over £50 for a pair of probably white/cream/pale shoes that you may not wear again seems a tad exspensive

i paid for everything for my matron of honour dress/shoes/jewelly/shawl - and i think the bride should pay forsomething that you are wearing for her and tbh will prob only wear it one day

YANBU

yanbu. i'm sure the place where you are having the fittings can wait for you. they can do the other bridesmaids first. as for the shoes maybe you can ask the shop if they can put them on hold for you when you are able to afford to buy them.
3-4 hours is a long time to give someone before the wedding when you have kids.
hope you enjoy your holiday and your evening. sounds like you need it

ben5 - 3-4 hours is not a long time to give to someone before their wedding day if you are a bridesmaid. Its really the absolute minimum, I'd say.

They've asked you to be a BM because they love you and want you to be involved in their special day and support them in the preparations for the day. That's the job of a bridesmaid. If you're not prepared to do this, then you shouldn't agree to be a BM. Otherwise, you're just any old guest in a nice dress paid for by the bride.

I don't think its unreasonable to want a nice day out with your BMs to get things ready. And saying you can't do it because you've got kids swimming and an opticians appt would seem a bit rude to me - both are pretty everyday tasks.

However, she was BU to book the day on your wedding anniversary - you should have put your foot down about that. However, none of your excuses are related to the anniversary, so I'm not surprised she's a bit pissed off. I would be too.

Proudnsad, what is your issue with the OP? Do you know her from other threads where you've had words, or are you being this unpleasant simply because this is an anonymous forum and you can? Where do you get off saying things like "oh hang on, that would mean the OP cared about her own wedding". Totally uncalled for, and IMO, you're being a cow. It's fine to disagree, but you're being really unnecessarily aggressive.

OP: I don't think you're being unreasonable re the swimming as you went on what you were originally told. If someone said 10 am to me, I'd make arrangements around the 10 am time frame. If they then suddenly change the time, that's fine if only I have to change plans. But I probably wouldn't be pleased to have to change my children's plans too.

The optician's visit, well, that's just unfortunate. If they can't book you in at any other time, that's too bad - you need to see, after all. Whoever said "well you could change appointments" - no, sometimes you can't. So it's really too bad it all fell on the same day.

I think the bride is understandably excited about her day and not thinking much about anyone else, but you DID point out it was your anniversary and she still chose that day. And then changed the terms of the day to all day from 3-4 hours. So, YANBU but she is.

See, JM, the way I look at it is this:

Its an honour to be chosen as a bridesmaid because its a mark of someone's love for you as a friend, and I've always been thrilled to be asked.

As a bridesmaid, you also get the lovely benefit of getting to wear a lovely dress at someone else's expense, sit at the top table at the reception and generally also get a fuss made over you on the day (my experience, anyway)

And all you have to do is put on a good show, smile loads and be generally available, lovely and congratulatory at three events:

1. Obviously the wedding itself
2. The hen do (maybe a day and an evening)
3. The day when you all (BMs and bride) get to be all lovely and girly together and pick dresses, have fittings, chose shoes, hairstyles etc etc

That's all - it doesn't seem much to me. And I reckon if you aren't able to do the above with a smile of your face and some joy for your friends good fortune in finding a lovely man to spend the rest of their life with, you shouldn't be a BM.

If the bride expects more than this, then yes, she is being a 'zilla. But in this case, the only thing the bride did wrong was set the day for the anniversary (and the OP hasn't answered the question about why the bride was so insistent it was this day, suspect there was a reason). But none of the obstacles the oP has mentioned, bar needing to be finished by early evening, are anything to do with the anniversary, so if I were the bride, I'd feel a bit like the OP was just seeing my lovely day as a chore alongside getting glasses and a swimming lesson, and would be a bit miffed about being questioned about how much time it would take. Seems really joyless to me!

Sounds to me like she originally thought it was just a "quick job" to tick off the list and would only take a few hours. But now it's nearer the time, she's decided to make a bit of a day of it (perhaps at the suggestion of one of the other bridesmaids??).
Unfortunately, she's forgotten to factor in that this isn't as big a deal for everyone else as it is for her, and that other people have got other commitments which are more important to them than her wedding.
She'll probably think on it for a bit and chill. Hopefully.
In the meantime, try to be as diplomatic as you can.....

Good luck!

[Glad to hear your DH is OK, btw! Sounds like you need this hol! Hope you get your glasses back from the optician in time!]

reward - wouldn't you be a bit hurt if it was your wedding and one of your bridesmaid's decided that an optician's appt and a swimming lesson was more important? I would.

YANBU at all. It's an arbitrary dress-fitting appointment, not the actual wedding day. You were happy to make arrangements for the original appointment, despite it being your own anniversary, but due to other factors (glasses, impending holiday, childcare) you can't stretch yourself beyond what you originally promised.

I don't think there's an easy way round it really, she has clearly pictured it in her mind as a 'fun' girly shopping day where you can all gush over weddingy things. You were under the impression that it was an appointment to fit your dresses for a few hours, which is why you were happy for it to fall on your anniversary and made other arrangements for later in the day.

There is another 5 months until the wedding so I don't see why the shoes are a pressing issue right now, but you do need glasses before your impending holiday, so YANBU to prioritise this. Your non-attendance on the shopping trip won't mean you won't have shoes on the day, it will just mean the bride will need to relinquish a tiny bit of control, or make plans with you for another time.

I think brides often turn into bridezillas, I remeber losing the plot completely as the only thing that mattered was The Day.
Also, do you remeber life BC? It was different wasn't it. It didn't matter what time you had lunch, you could leave the house with just you key and your purse, you could change arrangements at the drop of a hat ...
YANBU, I'm just trying to say that she is your friend, she wants her day to be perfect and she doesn't understand what it's like to make all the arrangements that you have.

One day, she will understand and she will be eternalyl gfrateful to you for your kindness nd understanding. She will look back at her wedding photos with joy at her wonderfaul happy day and thank her lucky stars for having such a great friend.

In the meantime, she will drive you utterly insane until it's all over ... but it's only a short time isn't it? I wish you all the best, have a lovely day and a great anniversary.

YANBU imo.

I am bridesaid for my friend. She hasn't behaved like this.

Ah, Lucy said it much more nicely than me!

The boss of me I personally wouldn't be hurt at all. Why would I think my own needs came before my freind and her family, simply because I was getting married?I would never ever expect anyone else to alter prior arrangements to suit me [unless it was a matter of life and death, which getting fitted for a dress to be worn in December clearly isn't.]
If the bride wanted her needs to be placed ahead of others then perhaps she should have asked people who didn't have children to be her bridesmaids. Or in fact any other kind of committments.

Not sure why you have got childcare issues. Why can't your DH look after them.

proudnsad - fuck that, the OP is NBU. It is her anniversary, ffs, she could have picked another day - but No! So she said it would only be 2-3 hours - then it becomes all day?

Bridezilla for sure. Micromanaging your bridesmaids is unnecessary.

Can I just interject and say what a good AIBU thread this is? Because two sides can be seen, and there are posters for and posters against. So many AIBUs are just there so the poster can get them seen (eg AIBU to cook lasagne for tea?) or are nasty or one-sided etc etc.

Anyway, can see both sides here. Friend wanted girls' day out, OP wanted quick hit on shops. I think OP if she wants to salvage things should apologise profusely to friend, explaining that what with all her problems lately forgot how important this day is for friend (grovel, grovel) and can they go out together some time for a drink/chinwag. Then hopefully OP has got out of long, boring day fawning over bride-to-be and friend will be suitably soothed.

Tee hee ... have the fitting, have a lovely careless anniversary shag evening with your DH, and spring it on her in December that the dress, ahem, might need letting out...