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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody, twatting, (D)F

587 replies

Bunnysoprano · 12/07/2010 23:07

I am absolutely sick to death and need some perspective. However, I should warn you, this is long.....

This weekend, I parked my car in the drive in front of DF's car. We had two sets of keys - DF lost one set but denies it. Usually, I leave my keys in a glass bowl in the hall but, for some reason this weekend, I stuck them in my bag.

Today, I had to leave the house about 5:30am as was travelling for work. Whilst on the train to Glasgow, I got a text from DF saying he couldn't get his car out as I had blocked it in and taken my keys. Naturally (and I do understand this), he was annoyed.

He then got a taxi to and from work today which cost £50. However, he has used the money that I take out each month from our joint account to pay for the cleaner. I am apparently to pay this back as I need to be "punished" (I kid you not!) for what I did today re the car.

I have arrived home this evening at 10:00pm after travelling to and from Glasgow today an d am rather tired. Therefore, I have not taken very kindly to this and am absolutely fuming. Part of the reason is because F is saying that he can't afford to take a taxi to work and back (notwithstanding the fact that he is pretty much a three figure earner). Now, I do accept that it was wasted money due to my mistake but I earn nearly half of what he does. I have just paid nearly £400 for flights this month for us to go to a wedding which has left me very short on the basis that DF would sub me if I needed any money. I trusted him to do this but obviously this isn't happening.

We both put equal amounts in the joint account but just enough to cover the bills so there is no flex. F is making dire threats about not putting money in this month etc if I don't pay for the taxi etc.

I know this all sounds RIDICULOUSLY childish but I have actually had a moment of utter panic and thought that I can't actually marry someone who is going to treat me like this. What if I am off on maternity leave and need "punished"?!?!? Will I get no money.

I am fuming and have actually taken myself off in the spare bedroom to sleep tonight and think about things.

I am quite prepared for a total flaming as I am SO angry I can't think straight but AIBU about this?!?

OP posts:
clam · 13/07/2010 20:17

Hang on, just talk us through this house deposit thing again.
Initially you mentioned 20K from your parents. Then later you said 40K, from them, but only half of that counted as "your" contribution and half would be his? Have I got that right?

Why??? If you decide you cannot continue the engagement, then surely you're entitled to the entire 40K your parents contributed?

Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 13/07/2010 20:26

Clam - yes, sorry, it is £40,000. I just meant that when I put it in the house, I saw it as shared in that we had half each.

However, the whole £40,000 came from me.

F put no deposit in. However, 10 months later he bought himself a £37,000 car. I kind of let that go but as we had enough money to buy the house of course. However, on reflection, what was worrying about the car was that anytime that he thought I might be thinking of mentioning that perhaps he should put some money in to the house or use some money for furniture, he would go ballistic and shout at me that the "car came first" and he would "never, ever compromise on the car and I needed to learn that". Our house still needs quite a lot of furniture etc but we haven't bought that as F doesn't have money, just had a tax bill etc etc.

I am a twat.

OP posts:
KnottyLocks · 13/07/2010 20:29

Bunny, then that 40k is yours/ your parents, not his. He gets the car!

I'm so sorry that you feel so awful. Have a long soak in the bath then off to bed.

Hoping you get some sleep.

KnottyLocks · 13/07/2010 20:31

And you are not a twat. DF however...

clam · 13/07/2010 20:42

Oh Bunny, I'm sorry but this just gets worse and worse! "you need to learn!" ???? WTF? Who the hell does he think he's talking to?

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 13/07/2010 20:42

He's sounding more and more like an arse.... 'the car comes first and you need to learn that'......

The worst case scenario is that you stay with this man, marry him and have children with him....

Believe me, it's not you who is the twat....

PortiaNovmerriment · 13/07/2010 20:46

He is sounding ever more unreasonable the more you tell us about him. I really don't think that this is about you catastrophising or reading things into what's not there. It seems that he is actually massively unfair to you over the issue of money, and then has the audacity to behave as though you are "ripping him off". It would appear that the reverse is actually true.

TheFallenMadonna · 13/07/2010 20:51

Ooh.

DH once took my car keys to the US with him. God I was cross. Really, it was just as well he was on the opposite side of the Atlantic. However, I did get over it eventually.

You need to have a serious talk about money.

FakePlasticTrees · 13/07/2010 20:53

The only way he'll change is to get worse.

You live like this for the rest of your life or get out. But ask him to leave, don't leave yourself (you can point out that he would have to sell the car to buy out your £40k plus your share of the mortgage paid already - and you would want your money back).

anyabanya · 13/07/2010 20:55

Oh Bunny.

And no-one yet commented on his verbal tic of saying she is naughty yet. That is a whole other area of wierdness.

Please do not show him this thread.... not a good idea, but re-read it. What you are describing is very seriously unhealthy. You really deserve better than this. Your family/friends MUST have raised concerns... even if it is only about how tired/stressed/hyper you are around him. What do they say?

WHO is RL can you talk to?

SDeuchars · 13/07/2010 20:59

Yup. IME, that's what they do - it is projection. Some bit of him knows he is wrong, but if he shouts loud enough, no-one (including you) will notice, they'll think it is you.

My x didn't work for a long time (no good reason) I worked from home, even after DC, paying everything (inc a regular bill run up by him for furniture storage). However, I did not consider it "my" money - I saw it as ours.

When we divorced, I had to pay him half the value of the house (because he was legally entitled to a house where he could have the DC to stay and there wasn't any spare money to play with) and he still tells the DC that I ripped him off. He also told family mediation that he felt so bad about not contributing that he would not even use the kettle... Total untrue rubbish.

I'm with the others - if this man is telling you all this BEFORE you have a legal contract, tell him to leave your house (in his car). Mine was working when we met and was "generous" (only in the ways that suited him) - it all changed after the wedding, especially when the DC arrived.

Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 13/07/2010 21:01

I feel like such a prat now that I have written everything down. I would be if one of my friends told me they were being treated like this.

It isn't every day (vainly making excuses)so I suppose I have just swept it under the carpet and hoped he would change.

F has just come upstairs to ask me whether I want to go a the weekend. I have tried to explain that we need the money from the ticket as I don't have money to re-imburse the joint account and pay the cleaner. His position is that I use the joint account "all the time" as a current account (i.e. for me) and that therefore I have plenty of money and am acting like an idiot. I have TRIED to explain that there is a finite amount of money in that account and, if I did that, there would be NO money in the account to pay the bills and the house would have been repossesed. He refuses to believe this.

I don't know what else I can do bar having KPMG audit the bloody account to show him.

OP posts:
emy72 · 13/07/2010 21:01

It strikes me that this man is trying to control you, look at the language he uses:
"you need to learn" "punish" "naughty"..."i won't do this if you don't do that..."

I wouldn't expect a partner to use these expressions in an equal relationship....

.....please kick him out, (don't leave - it's your money and you might not get it back....)

you deserve so much better and no, I don't believe men like that can change. Sadly.

booyhoo · 13/07/2010 21:03

oh bunny, really everytime you post it gets worse. i think you really should get out nbow before he promises you the world just to get you to marry him. and then once you do you are in the shit with regards to teh money you put into the house.

Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 13/07/2010 21:08

I need to think practically, worst case scenario. If he leaves, he WILL NOT pay the mortgage etc and I can't afford to myself.

I wonder if I am best to leave but then I need to keep paying too.

Perhaps I can suggest that we live in the house together until we sell it (a bedroom each).

I am also wondering about going to Relate myself to try and get some counselling to help me actually go. I don't think I can face it but I don't think I can face this either. I actually just want to run away.

OP posts:
anyabanya · 13/07/2010 21:13

Might be worth going to Relate to at least see what your options are.... and CAB to see what options are re house.

PortiaNovmerriment · 13/07/2010 21:13

I think the idea of Relate for yourself is excellent, good plan.

SDeuchars · 13/07/2010 21:14

I think Relate is a good idea. However, I think you should see a solicitor as well. If you move out, you may well have difficulty getting your money. Is the house in joint names? Do you have any record of where the payments came from?

traceybath · 13/07/2010 21:18

Are your parents nearby or near your job? Would it be possible to stay with them if you leave him?

I split up with ex (who was lovely) and we lived together in separate bedrooms until he decided to buy me out - it was pretty stressful and we had an amicable split.

Slightly worried that he could make life very difficult for you.

But relate sounds very sensible for you.

It is much better to split up now though and you may find that friends/family are actually quite relieved.

Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 13/07/2010 21:19

SDeuchers - I can ask someone at work, just very generally. Fortunately, we have a deed of trust regarding the money too so that is quite clear.

I just feel stunned. As though I have lurched from one bad relationship to another and just wasted my life.

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 13/07/2010 21:20

could you take in a housemate to help out with the mortgage?

If you sell it, make sure you get your parents £40k back!

Longtalljosie · 13/07/2010 21:21

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person?

PortiaNovmerriment · 13/07/2010 21:22

It's never a waste to learn something. The only cheering think from this thread is to see somebody sensible who is actually prepared to look hard at their relationship and heed warning signs before they marry and have children. You've really got your head screwed on.

PortiaNovmerriment · 13/07/2010 21:22

think? Thing, I mean.

Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 13/07/2010 21:23

Parents aren't near by as I moved from Scotland to England to live with him.

I'm not sure what people will think. I haven't actually told my parents about the money as they would be quite .

There was an issue when we first moved in about actually getting the joint account established. I wasn't getting any money to buy food. My parents try very, very had not to interfere or to say anything negative about either my sister's husband or f. However, that time, they had given me £60 or so when they left (had helped us to move in and stayed for a week or so). That was to go out for a treat for dinner. My mum told me to keep the money and make sure I bought food for myself.

I've been embarassed about all of this so I haven't told them. I know they wonder why we haven't done more to the house and I know (not because they have ever say anything but just because I know them) that they will have been surprised at the car purchase

OP posts: