Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody, twatting, (D)F

587 replies

Bunnysoprano · 12/07/2010 23:07

I am absolutely sick to death and need some perspective. However, I should warn you, this is long.....

This weekend, I parked my car in the drive in front of DF's car. We had two sets of keys - DF lost one set but denies it. Usually, I leave my keys in a glass bowl in the hall but, for some reason this weekend, I stuck them in my bag.

Today, I had to leave the house about 5:30am as was travelling for work. Whilst on the train to Glasgow, I got a text from DF saying he couldn't get his car out as I had blocked it in and taken my keys. Naturally (and I do understand this), he was annoyed.

He then got a taxi to and from work today which cost £50. However, he has used the money that I take out each month from our joint account to pay for the cleaner. I am apparently to pay this back as I need to be "punished" (I kid you not!) for what I did today re the car.

I have arrived home this evening at 10:00pm after travelling to and from Glasgow today an d am rather tired. Therefore, I have not taken very kindly to this and am absolutely fuming. Part of the reason is because F is saying that he can't afford to take a taxi to work and back (notwithstanding the fact that he is pretty much a three figure earner). Now, I do accept that it was wasted money due to my mistake but I earn nearly half of what he does. I have just paid nearly £400 for flights this month for us to go to a wedding which has left me very short on the basis that DF would sub me if I needed any money. I trusted him to do this but obviously this isn't happening.

We both put equal amounts in the joint account but just enough to cover the bills so there is no flex. F is making dire threats about not putting money in this month etc if I don't pay for the taxi etc.

I know this all sounds RIDICULOUSLY childish but I have actually had a moment of utter panic and thought that I can't actually marry someone who is going to treat me like this. What if I am off on maternity leave and need "punished"?!?!? Will I get no money.

I am fuming and have actually taken myself off in the spare bedroom to sleep tonight and think about things.

I am quite prepared for a total flaming as I am SO angry I can't think straight but AIBU about this?!?

OP posts:
traceybath · 13/07/2010 21:26

Bunny - I totally agree with Portia who talks a lot of sense as always.

It also sounds like your parents will not be too distressed if you split up with your partner - they've probably been quietly worried about you for a while.

Have you got any holiday due from work so you could go and stay with them for a few days perhaps to think things through/come up with a plan.

Katisha · 13/07/2010 21:27

Who cares what people "think"? Don't worry about keeping up appearances.
Confide in your parents - can you go there at the weekend and talk to them properly?

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 13/07/2010 21:28

I bet as soon as you start telling people, they will be relieved for you. Please don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. Just think that you've had a lucky escape!

clam · 13/07/2010 21:31

"acting like an idiot?"

Hmmn...

Longtalljosie · 13/07/2010 21:32

Just decide before any money is spent on the wedding. I know of people (now divorced) who knew the wedding was wrong but went ahead because the event had been paid for.

Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 13/07/2010 21:33

I do have holiday. I can ask for some time off but probably not til the beginning of August.

I can't actually think what to do (not like me!).

I need to talk to him but not sure when/how. Would I be better to write a letter/email and then come home to discuss it?

We need to try and talk about the money issue as I feel I can't just walk away. However, I can't face it now. I might wait til the weekend. F has invited his sister and her boyfriend to stay on the Sat night but I actually don't want them here; particularly as I want the bedroom. Not sure how to deal with that either. F will tell them that I am a loon, no doubt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 13/07/2010 21:35

I do have holiday. I can ask for some time off but probably not til the beginning of August.

I can't actually think what to do (not like me!).

I need to talk to him but not sure when/how. Would I be better to write a letter/email and then come home to discuss it?

We need to try and talk about the money issue as I feel I can't just walk away. However, I can't face it now. I might wait til the weekend. F has invited his sister and her boyfriend to stay on the Sat night but I actually don't want them here; particularly as I want the bedroom. Not sure how to deal with that either. F will tell them that I am a loon, no doubt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 13/07/2010 21:35

I do have holiday. I can ask for some time off but probably not til the beginning of August.

I can't actually think what to do (not like me!).

I need to talk to him but not sure when/how. Would I be better to write a letter/email and then come home to discuss it?

We need to try and talk about the money issue as I feel I can't just walk away. However, I can't face it now. I might wait til the weekend. F has invited his sister and her boyfriend to stay on the Sat night but I actually don't want them here; particularly as I want the bedroom. Not sure how to deal with that either. F will tell them that I am a loon, no doubt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 13/07/2010 21:36

sorry for the triple post. not sure what happened

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/07/2010 21:38

I think it sounds like your parents are aware of more than you realise.

FakePlasticTrees · 13/07/2010 21:39

Call your parents and discuss this with them. All of it.

Do you have any friends nearby you could stay with over the weekend? Or get on a train up north to see your parents.

NinjaChipmunk · 13/07/2010 21:43

I have just read all 10 pages and after all that i think you should not be thinking about leaving the house but that maybe you should be asking him to leave for a while. i think that would also maybe be the shock he needs to grow up.
in all honesty it sounds like you have your head screwed on financially but he really doesn't - too much borrowing from the pot and not putting back is not a viable long term option. he needs to see a financial consultant to advise him what to put aside from his earnings a month if he isn't saving for his inevitable yearly tax bill.
i really hope you sort your situation out but now is the time tothink about yourself and what you want and need, and being bullied isn't it.

Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 13/07/2010 21:43

I will speak to them. However, they will say, and they are right, that I need to try and talk to him so I feel that I need to try and do that.

Would it really be a bad idea to print of this thread? One part of me thinks it will be as he wont read it or will read it and laugh at it. However, he wont listen to me and/or wont read any letter I send.

OP posts:
NinjaChipmunk · 13/07/2010 21:45

in fact you could ask him to leave and ask your parents to visit so you could go through the situation with them?

SloanyPony · 13/07/2010 21:46

Dont print it out. When you leave him (please, please do), you want him to know it was because he was an unreasonable idiot.

If you print it out he will convince himself that a bunch of bitter lesbians brainwashed you and will never take responsibility for his own actions.

Please resist the urge to print it out and show him for now. If he can't see that he is unreasonable because the woman he supposedly loves says so, he's not going to accept it from us.

Undertone · 13/07/2010 21:47

The picture you have painted of him is of a mean-spirited, petty, selfish, grasping, deluded, needlessly combative weak and spiteful man.

I know it is SO EASY to sit outside and judge, but my head is frankly BOGGLING at how a sensible, very bright lady like you could register behaviour like this (which has been going on for quite some time) and still be unsure about what to do. It's just the inertia of the current status quo which makes it feel as though you still need time to think, need to re-approach him in a new way, etc. As you said - if one of your friends was going through this you would be incandescent on their behalf.

If you do make the decision to call this unhealthy relationship off and come out of it with what you put into it, your self-esteem will absolutely rocket, and you'll never have to put up with such a cripplng wastrel ever again. You owe it to your future self. Run. Get you and your parents' hard-earned money and run. He is not worth it. Not even by a long shot.

Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 13/07/2010 21:47

Hi ninja - he wouldn't leave. He actually physically would not leave the house.

I know that absolutely.

I could ask my parents (and they would be fab). However, my sister is about to have a baby and I really, really, don't want to stress and worry them if this is something (long shot) that could be sorted out. I also don't think it would be fair to ask them to come and act as mediators. Although, again they would be fab. I think the time to speak to them is if/when I decide things are definitely over.

OP posts:
Limara · 13/07/2010 21:50

I wouldn't show him this thread. He may pick holes in each comment and try to undermine you. If I were you I'd take the essence of the replies from mumsnetter and use your own language. I think you got the jist. Hey Bunny, good luck.

Undertone · 13/07/2010 21:51

Is his name on the papers for the house?

You will need your parents' emotional support. Why deny them the opportunity to eb there for you? They will be more angry and disappointed if you keep this from them. You are their little girl, always, and they would be confused as why you thought you need to fight your battles on your own. What are you trying to prove?

GroovyGretel · 13/07/2010 21:54

Bunny, you need to decide what you want the outcome of the discussion to be though, as that will change the way you approach it.

NinjaChipmunk · 13/07/2010 21:56

in that case bunny is there another solicitor you know who deals in relationship/ property type stuff? could you get some advice and ensure all paperwork is correct, in place with copies etc etc?
it does sound like the inevitable is going to happen at some point if not now. but you sound lovely and generous and grounded and deserve the same things coming back to you that you give out. there are people out there that are both financially and emotionally responsive/ responsible/ supportive and although it won't always be plain sailing when you find that person, you'll know you're safe and loved and that's what you deserve, not to spend your time feeling frayed at the edges and hounded. i hope this makes sense but i think i'm rambling, sorry am a bit tired this evening!

Triggles · 13/07/2010 21:59

As a parent of a 23yo DD, I can definitely say that I would WANT my DD to come to us - for advice, for help, or even if it's just for emotional support needed - I would rather know - regardless of the stress that may be involved in worrying about her. And having seen my DD be involved in a relationship with a controlling partner, it was INCREDIBLY difficult not to say anything about him that might alienate her - my main concern was that she was okay and keeping the lines of communication open so that when she DID realise what a twat she was with, she could talk to us. And thankfully, she did - god, I was so relieved when she finally saw through him and was ready to leave him I was in tears. I'd be willing to bet that your parents know something's not right - we could SEE the little changes in her behaviour even though she tried to hide them and we were worried sick about her.

bathbuns · 13/07/2010 22:09

I would also say talk to your parents. They sound lovely and I'm sure they'd want to help if they knew how you felt (is that right?)

I will echo everyone else and say there are real warning signs here.

It might be hard to leave a relationship when you are engaged but you need to look at this situation and how you are feeling and ask yourself if you will be happy with this recurring. Do you want to feel like this next year? The year after? Ten years time? That might give you the impetus to break it off if you are struggling to do so.

If I thought I would be scared of my financial situation when on maternity leave because I felt vulnerable and at risk of not being given money by my partner, that would be a huge huge sign that this marriage was not a good idea. Such a thought should not have to even be entering your head.

I really wish you well.

NonnoMum · 13/07/2010 22:16

Bunny, please do not feel threatened that he might think of you as a 'loon'. Hardly loving finance talk, is it?

Is he Scottish by any chance? (no offence but I think I can hear his accent)

And don't label yourself as someone who has gone from one dodgy relationship to another - you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince...

I bet you are still a spring chicken. FWIW, I didn't meet me now DH until well into my 30s... Thought I'd be everyone's favourite auntie. 6 years and 3 kids later can now dispense advice to lovely, intelligent young women who just need a bit of handholding to realise that it's best to get out before things get really complicated...

catsmother · 13/07/2010 22:19

Thank goodness your parents' deposit is ringfenced. You mentioned that they would have been surprised at the car purchase (for practically the same sum) just a few short weeks later ..... I expect, though they haven't said anything to you (and sound like fab parents) that actually they would have been horrified at his barefaced audacity to accept such a generous gift whilst feeling no shame in spending an equivalent amount on an (apparently very important - the tosser) toy for HIM. He comes across as a spoilt pathetic brat ..... did the "formidable mother" pander to his every need I wonder, was he / is he treated as mummy's golden boy who can do no wrong and is far more important than everyone else ? The way he acts is like he's doing you a favour by allowing you in his life - and even that comes at a price .....

..... how dare he be so accusatory towards you ? This habit of "clawing back" money he appeared to have spent freely - and normally e.g. on what you thought was a meal out on him, which is what normal couples do .... treat each other every so often - is absolutely disgusting. It's like he either runs out of money, or wants extra (or maybe, in light of all you've written, thinks you've done something "bad" and no longer deserves the treat of 2 weeks ago) and then uses you as his personal cashpoint in demanding your "half" back. If you're able to pay this back, even though you pay all bills 50:50 (and some, because the tight fucker refuses to pay a genuine half) AND you earn half what he does, then where the hell is all his money going anyway ?

Each time you write, you're revealing worse and worse stuff ... that's not a criticism BTW, just an observation. I know I suggested counselling earlier but I'm really beginning to think that someone with such a controlling nature would never benefit from this, nor participate with any honesty (by readily admitting how he's treated you, or being truthful about why he feels the need to be so mean and abusive - yes, abusive !). I really feel that if you split now, despite all the sadness, disappointment and inevitable nastiness (because I don't imagine he'll "let this go" in a mature and amicable way) that you'll feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I think bit by bit he's been grinding you down and you haven't truly appreciated this until very recently. You don't deserve to be treated like this and life can only get better if you extricate yourself from the situation.

I know you don't want to worry your mum and dad but I bet they'd rather know sooner than later regardless of what else is happening. Maybe you could send them this thread, but I agree, don't show it to him.