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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody, twatting, (D)F

587 replies

Bunnysoprano · 12/07/2010 23:07

I am absolutely sick to death and need some perspective. However, I should warn you, this is long.....

This weekend, I parked my car in the drive in front of DF's car. We had two sets of keys - DF lost one set but denies it. Usually, I leave my keys in a glass bowl in the hall but, for some reason this weekend, I stuck them in my bag.

Today, I had to leave the house about 5:30am as was travelling for work. Whilst on the train to Glasgow, I got a text from DF saying he couldn't get his car out as I had blocked it in and taken my keys. Naturally (and I do understand this), he was annoyed.

He then got a taxi to and from work today which cost £50. However, he has used the money that I take out each month from our joint account to pay for the cleaner. I am apparently to pay this back as I need to be "punished" (I kid you not!) for what I did today re the car.

I have arrived home this evening at 10:00pm after travelling to and from Glasgow today an d am rather tired. Therefore, I have not taken very kindly to this and am absolutely fuming. Part of the reason is because F is saying that he can't afford to take a taxi to work and back (notwithstanding the fact that he is pretty much a three figure earner). Now, I do accept that it was wasted money due to my mistake but I earn nearly half of what he does. I have just paid nearly £400 for flights this month for us to go to a wedding which has left me very short on the basis that DF would sub me if I needed any money. I trusted him to do this but obviously this isn't happening.

We both put equal amounts in the joint account but just enough to cover the bills so there is no flex. F is making dire threats about not putting money in this month etc if I don't pay for the taxi etc.

I know this all sounds RIDICULOUSLY childish but I have actually had a moment of utter panic and thought that I can't actually marry someone who is going to treat me like this. What if I am off on maternity leave and need "punished"?!?!? Will I get no money.

I am fuming and have actually taken myself off in the spare bedroom to sleep tonight and think about things.

I am quite prepared for a total flaming as I am SO angry I can't think straight but AIBU about this?!?

OP posts:
LuluF · 13/07/2010 17:12

Sorry - that should read 'not that fidelity is unimportant'.

stainesmassif · 13/07/2010 17:13

i wouldn't print it out for two reasons - he'll feel defensive that your life together is being discussed on a forum, and two, you're right, he will think we're all harridans!

people remain in relationships for lots of different reasons. he may feel a whole range of confusing emotions for you - i'm not going to try and guess what they are - but i think you need to examine how unsure of yourself you are in this relationship. i have felt that 'don't know if i'm over reacting or misexplaining' feeling in previous relationships and i wasn't. your subconscious is trying to tell you something. but that's only my opinion on an anonymous internet forum!

PortiaNovmerriment · 13/07/2010 17:13

Well, I'm a happy coupled-up old hag, but I've had experience of a stingy ex who definitely flagged up on the ol' criticism, contempt and stonewalling stuff. I rue the day I met him in retrospect, and I certainly wish I hadn't stayed as long as I did. I can well imagine he would have reacted like your fiance.

If your taxi scenario had happened to me now, DP would have been pissed off, but at the universe, not me- he would say stuff like "Bloody typical that it happens the one time you've got your keys with you, and the one month we're skint because of this wedding!" I'd say "I know, it's so shit, isn't it- I wish I'd left the keys, I'm sorry", and he'd go "Oh it's not your fault, it's just one of those things. Bummer though."

End of conversation.

emy72 · 13/07/2010 17:18

I might be the exception here, but I would not tolerate being shouted at. I have had a few long term relationships in the past and I have never ever been shouted at.

An adult man shouting and talking about punishment would scare me enough to leave, but that's just me...

I really would try and dig deeper before I tied the knot.

RumourOfAHurricane · 13/07/2010 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

rowingcah · 13/07/2010 17:21

Lulu - having your own account is definitely not a sign of an unhappy relationship - squirreling money away and not telling your partner is not a good sign. So yes the secrecy is the issue.

LuluF · 13/07/2010 17:24

Thanks (My baby brain! I keep missing many points recently!)

Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 13/07/2010 17:24

I'm quite happy to have my own account with my own money and the joint account for bills.

However, I would like some financial transparance in that F know exactly what I earn. I have no problem with him knowing that. I have no idea what he earns although I can take a rough guess from his tax returns. Basically, I would say around double. Separately, he also has access to tax money to front load expenses which he then "re-earns" later on in the year.

All I would like is an acknowledgement that, as a matter of fact, he earns more than me and that he has my back if I ever need the odd £50 or that he can pay a bit more than me for certain things.

At the moment, there is still a lot of "You paid for this so I'll pay for that" but then later down the line: "Oh, there was this extra thing that I actually bought that I forgot to tell you about or that meal that I said was a treat should actually be factored in so actually I wont pay for that thing I promised I would. Tough shit that it blows your budget, you owe me £250".

The ironic thing is that, actually, I am quite fiscally conservative so I wouldn't actually ever "borrow" tax money from myself and would put some in a separate, high interest, account every month to pay HMRC. It's not hard to work out and is, in fact, how partners in most law firms work as the partnership doesn't pay them all of their monthly drawings.

I dread the tax bill coming as I know that it will be doom and disaster and it will be my fault for making him buy the odd thing for the house and wasting money. Forget the £35,000 car that he bought sitting in the drive.

What he wont acknowledge is that he has paid an agreed sum of money in the joint account which was basically agreed two years ago. No increase. Obviously, utilities etc have increased so it me who is topping the account up each month so that the food money isn't reduced to £20 a month. Sick of it

OP posts:
shimmerysilverglitter · 13/07/2010 17:26

He sounds exactly like my ex in so many ways.

Mine used to say that Mumsnet should be called Divorcenet as they had ruined his marriage. If I ever repeated an opinion I had read on in relation to his shockingly bad behaviour he would start shouting about us all having too much time on our hands and "what are their kids doing while they are on MN poking their nose into my business?"

This is not good OP, not good at all and I see a miserable future ahead of you with this man unless you can sort out this situation. Mostly men like this wait to change until they have married you or the dc arrive. Yours has started early, you should actually be grateful for that, horrid as it sounds.

PortiaNovmerriment · 13/07/2010 17:26

Erm, that is all very worrying to me, sorry

stripeyknickersspottysocks · 13/07/2010 17:27

Kick him out.

LuluF · 13/07/2010 17:28

You definitely nee to revisit the joint account contributions. it's not fair that you have to top it up. It really sounds like he can't manage his money at all and as if he's wasting it - but blaming it on you? That's so out of order - and how exactly is it your fault? If he earns that much - it shouldn't be a problem.

shimmerysilverglitter · 13/07/2010 17:32

Well I cross posted, I was referring to your post about him not reading the thread if you printed it off.

Just read your latest post. Honestly, you need to get out of this, you really do .

One thing I notice is that the language you use is quite strong when describing his behaviour eg sick to death of it, this would suggest to me that this has already got pretty serious and you have put up with an awful lot already.

Limara · 13/07/2010 17:32

OMG Bunny, just reading through your thread and it looks a wee bit depressing You sound absolutely normal but his views on things?

You both need to go and talk to someone about this money control issue.

Don't know what else to say really

Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 13/07/2010 17:34

The problem is, how can I make him listen? I don't know if I can. Even if he does listen, why/how would he change?

Why is he like this? I can't work it out when, actually, his parents seem to be very devoted to each other and have a happy marriage? I can't imagine his Dad ever speaking/shouting at his Mum like that. Where has he learned to talk to me like this? It is these kind of questions that makes me think that I have made him like this.

Shimmery - F says exactly the same kind of thing if I ever try and provide an example or discuss anything I have read on here or heard from someone at work, then I must have heard it from someone whose partner/husband has left them and is trying to turn me against him etc etc etc.

OP posts:
LuluF · 13/07/2010 17:35

"Ironically, everyone sees him a laid back, easy going, type of guy and I am much more highly strung"

Just re-read this. Are appearances very important to him? And who said you are highly strung? You don't sound it to me.

CarGirl · 13/07/2010 17:40

Really the money is a huge issue and the fact that he refuses to go to counselling ever would worry me, why one earth not.

The more you've written the more controlling he seems to be.

There is a MN poster who has a dh who is so so so rich, like private plane type rich. He won't buy anything for their mansion, she has to entertain his clients etc but he won't even buy sufficient cutlery, wine glasses etc. Their home isn't even half furnished.

stainesmassif · 13/07/2010 17:42

If you can't make him listen then you just have to think about what you can do about the situation. stop trying to work him out (so many women do this, and i speak from experience, it's an exhausting and thankless task). work out what you want and if it's going to happen in this relationship.

PortiaNovmerriment · 13/07/2010 17:42

I remember that poster! Yes, she sounded bloody miserable.

Limara · 13/07/2010 17:43

Bunny, we only hear your side so we are going to support you. Maybe you are highly strung because you have a bloody stressful job maybe that also provides you both with a good standard of living of which he benefits! Yeah he can rant about the tax bill but if i were you i'd think 'blah blah bloody blah yeah yeah' If I loved him i'd learn to put up or shut up IYKWIM? But the bit that worries me is him threatening to withhold money or even worse, withholding the money

KnottyLocks · 13/07/2010 17:44

Oh, looks worse everytime I pop back. Sorry Bunny, you need to have that talk asap. He's letting you pick up the slack and not acknowledge it? For two years?

Talk tonight.

Limara · 13/07/2010 17:47

Agree with stainesmassif.

Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 13/07/2010 17:49

My job is stressful and I do work much longer hours than him and have a much longer commute. He tends to still be in bed when I leave in the morning and he is back about an hour before me at night.

However, again, it can't be acknowledged that I work longer hours than him as he has a much more stressful job as he is a dentist and I don't know how bad that is etc etc etc.

I am making him sound a total bastard here, I know.

What always suprises me is when friends of his or my family will say to me that F has said how hard I am working or that he is very proud of me. I never hear that at home.

What I am trying to work out at the moment is what to do.

One thing I have learned from my job is that it doesn't pay to be reactive. I need to stop and try and think and take control. However, I am worried that this will just be smoothed over (by me) and the status quo will remain. If I am going to leave, I have to leave or it doesn't carry an weight.

Should I try to talk to him or just leave things tonight. I just can't think.

OP posts:
sparkle12mar08 · 13/07/2010 17:49

For goodness sake, you know deep down that this is going nowhere, don't you. Ask yourself really honestly. And answer yourself honestly too.

Bottom line, dump him, and then get your cash out of the house.

Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 13/07/2010 17:51

If i do talk to him, what do I say?

I feel my nerves are shot and I just can't take a night of being shouted at - his view being that the best form of defence is attack and the person who can get in the most (highly personal) insults and shouts the loudest has "won".

OP posts:
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