Bloody, twatting, (D)F

[Bunnysoprano]

I am absolutely sick to death and need some perspective. However, I should warn you, this is long.....

This weekend, I parked my car in the drive in front of DF's car. We had two sets of keys - DF lost one set but denies it. Usually, I leave my keys in a glass bowl in the hall but, for some reason this weekend, I stuck them in my bag.

Today, I had to leave the house about 5:30am as was travelling for work. Whilst on the train to Glasgow, I got a text from DF saying he couldn't get his car out as I had blocked it in and taken my keys. Naturally (and I do understand this), he was annoyed.

He then got a taxi to and from work today which cost £50. However, he has used the money that I take out each month from our joint account to pay for the cleaner. I am apparently to pay this back as I need to be "punished" (I kid you not!) for what I did today re the car.

I have arrived home this evening at 10:00pm after travelling to and from Glasgow today an d am rather tired. Therefore, I have not taken very kindly to this and am absolutely fuming. Part of the reason is because F is saying that he can't afford to take a taxi to work and back (notwithstanding the fact that he is pretty much a three figure earner). Now, I do accept that it was wasted money due to my mistake but I earn nearly half of what he does. I have just paid nearly £400 for flights this month for us to go to a wedding which has left me very short on the basis that DF would sub me if I needed any money. I trusted him to do this but obviously this isn't happening.

We both put equal amounts in the joint account but just enough to cover the bills so there is no flex. F is making dire threats about not putting money in this month etc if I don't pay for the taxi etc.

I know this all sounds RIDICULOUSLY childish but I have actually had a moment of utter panic and thought that I can't actually marry someone who is going to treat me like this. What if I am off on maternity leave and need "punished"?!?!? Will I get no money.

I am fuming and have actually taken myself off in the spare bedroom to sleep tonight and think about things.

I am quite prepared for a total flaming as I am SO angry I can't think straight but AIBU about this?!?

His sister, his guest. You can still go home for the w/e. I wouldn't worry about not being around if dh had his sister come to stay - they can, and do, look after themselves as they are grown ups.

Please go home. Please spend some time with your loving parents. Please get out from under this monstrous beast. Remind yourself of what life should be like; then you will be able to see even more clearly what you need to do, work out your own priorities, consult your own needs.

Bunny - how are you going to get through a weekend of putting on a brave face for people, first lunch and then for his sister et al? Are you really going to be able to do that with any degree of ease? Probably not. And even if you can, you're deluding them that everything is ok within your relationship, plus you'll be under enORMous pressure to go to this pageant you don't want to go to to save HIS face.

Cancel the lunch, go to your parents. Take your laptop with you.

Ask yourself what you are hoping for in speaking to him again - because if it is suddenly for him to become an entirely different person you are deluding yourself - it's not going to happen. If it's merely to sort out details of how you split, then by all means talk to him again - but it isn't, is it? You are still hoping to salvage this excuse of a relationship.

When my ex-fiancé dumped me for an older woman in the office, I was so embarrassed, so ashamed - I had to phone the wedding people and cancel things, I had to deal with friends of his phoning to see if we were ok as they hadn't received their wedding invitation, only to have to tell them that there was no wedding - but I did it.

Granted, I had no choice in the matter - but do you know, it didn't take long for the shame/embarrassment to wear off. It didn't belong to me! It was not MY fault! I wasn't the sorry excused of a human who broke the relationship up - and before you start thinking you would be that person, NO YOU WOULDN'T - it's HIS godawful behaviour that is destroying your "relationship", NOT you trying to escape from a controlling bully.

Bunny, thinking of you.

I will need to tell him we are going to split.

I will need to wait until I can arrange some time off as I don't think I can do that and then come to work the next day.

I know I shouldn't but I feel bad telling him and then he has to go to work.

I might indicate this weekend that I'm not happy so that at least he knows this is coming.

Funnily enough, he has just sent me a text saying that he spoke to a patient re the car and it is heatshield which is not a safety issue so "will get it in" (does that mean him?) just before the MOT is due.

I don't know why I am actually wondering about this as is totally irrelevant.

I am quite sure that my parents will tell me to try and speak to him one last time so I will need to do that. However, it is just to appease them as I know he will not listen.

I have processed a bit more of what happened last night and I just can't believe his "logic" relating to money.

Even if he was the kindest person known to man, I can't marry someone who doesn't understand and accept the concept that taxes etc must be paid before any discretionary spending.

Bunny - it is incredible that he views taxes as optional, really incredibly strange.

My Mum is a GP and has a similar self-employed status to dentists. They have to have an accountant who deals with that side of things, because obviously things like staff wages, upkeep of premises etc is tax-deductable. How does the set up work for your F, doesn't he have these kinds of expenses for his practice as well?

Bunny you are doing great. Your brainfog is lifting and despite the sadness you are facing, you are thinking clearly.

Your parents might try and get you to speak to him again - but perhaps not if they know the true extent of what he is like. They will not want you to enter a life of miserable penny-pinching with a financially irresponsible man. Tell them about the tax vs. holiday scenario if nothing else.

Do they really like him? Is that why you feel that they might try to get you to work things out?

Do what you have to do to square things with yourself in terms of timings and talkings - and I hope you get all the support you need in RL as you will here.

No, that's right, you can't. You'd be miserable. And as you say, you no longer want to introduce children into this relationship. So the sooner you're out, the better.

Bunny, I would really consider NOT telling him this weekend that you are unhappy. You may find that is handing more control to him. And who knows what he will do with that information. Knowledge is power and you need to keep as much of it to yourself as you can. DON'T feel guilty if you do end up just walking out without warning (although tbh I think you have given him enough warning signs already and he is choosing to ignore them!). He has created the situation not you.

You were contemplating a couple of days ago what made him like he is. He has learnt this controlling behaviour from somewhere. Bear in mind it may not be financial controlling he may have experienced. But you did mention that he was glad to go to university as he and his mother fought a lot and that she was quite controlling. I would definitely be looking in that direction for your answers!

"Even if he was the kindest person known to man, I can't marry someone who doesn't understand and accept the concept that taxes etc must be paid before any discretionary spending."

I can't believe that you really wrote this. The core of your problem is that you are preoccupied with money and appearances. He treats you like s**t and you put up with it, but if he doesn't pay his taxes he is beyond the pale.

"Can't go home this weekend as we are having people to lunch". Ever heard of phoning and cancelling what will be a total sham of a meal, or would this "appear wrong".

Presumably you knew he was a dentist when you first met him. This is what dentists are like. Five years of dental school is six months of learning to drill teeth and four and a half years of learning how to make and spend more money than their classmates. Listen to him talk to his colleagues and you will understand why an expensive car is the most important thing in his life.

You bought into this with the cars, holidays and expensive house.

I don't excuse his behaviour, he's a class act bastard and you need to get out.

However, you need to analyse your own life and understand exactly how you get into these situations because third time is not always lucky.

//Ways to cut down include "not tipping" when we go out.//

He's a prick. Leave him. I'm not kidding. Not only is he a tight-fisted bastard, but he is also incredibly stupid if he thinks that opting not to tip is going to make any meaningful impact on his finances. Utter dick.

Welshexpat you are being very harsh for no reason. If you will bother to read the thread properly Bunny has already come to the realisation that she needs to look at herself to understand why she is getting into these relationships.

Also, where has everyone got the idea that the house is some kind of mansion? IIRC it is a 2-bedroom, which is why bunny doesn't want visitors when she really wants to sleep in the spare room to be away from F.

HI All - F has just phoned to be "nice" and to say that actually he isn't going out tonight.

I said to him that was good as we had lots to discuss as I was very shocked at the terms of our conversations yesterday night.

I am afraid to say that I actually said that I was writing an email to him about last night (I was and I have just sent it - I know it will be a total waste of time but I feel so much better for doing it)

I then actually lost it a bit with him as he told me that we would have to have a discussion about the fact that (apparently) I leave lights on all the time and blocked him in the drive on purpose as I love to "waste" money.

He has told me not to shout as that makes him feel scared apparently. Fair enough but I am 5'5" and he is 6"6' but I do take on board that I can't do that so will try not.

However, I have told him that he will hear (not shouted) lots of things that he doesn't like tonight and that hearing people say these things does not mean that the person is "aggressive".

I will need to try and call my parents sometime too without him hearing. Can't do it on the way home as my Granny is coming for her tea.

Thank you all for your messages. They mean so much to me. Rowing - I think I will take your advice re not saying about leaving today. I want to decide when I do that and in my terms.

x (sorry - I know that people are not meant to do that on mumsnet)

Welsh, I assume from your post that you have never been in an emotionally abusive relationship. It is not as simple as saying 'you bought into it'. People like this are charming personified until they have you. Then they grind you down, isolate you, make you doubt yourself, make you doubt your own reactions, feelings, make it all out to be yr fault. It seriously can be agreat deal harder to extricate yourself from such abuse..... the complaints and how the abuse manifests is not tangible, it is hard to put a finger on. You secretly feel you must be nuts to be have as the final straw an argument over £50. But, it is the culmination of everything.

You need to get that chip about money and earnings off your shoulder. Bunny has repeatedly indicated that none of this is about money, not really. It is about trust. Your focus is really wrong here. The tax thing is just crystallising for her what is her partner's deeply skewed approach to life.

Welshexpat Do you have a problem with Dentists? Some are actually nice people. Not in it for the money, and even keep on NHS patients.

Bunny - we are all thinking of you, and I really hope tonight goes well.

*"Even if he was the kindest person known to man, I can't marry someone who doesn't understand and accept the concept that taxes etc must be paid before any discretionary spending."

I can't believe that you really wrote this. The core of your problem is that you are preoccupied with money and appearances. He treats you like s*t and you put up with it, but if he doesn't pay his taxes he is beyond the pale.

Sorry if my posts weren't clear and it seems as though I am pre-occupied with money.

Through the course of this thread, I have actually come to realise that someone who has previously consistently told me I am stupid and rubbish at managing money by expecting him to pay his taxes on time, is in fact a bully.

Maybe its wrong but I couldn't actually marry someone who wont listen to my views on whether to pay taxes or not to let our children run out in to the road or other reasonable opinons. The taxes and the money are just a facade that cover the bigger issues of trust and respect which I kind of realised half way through the thread.

The thing with cancelling lunch etc is that I am actually finding it quite hard to come to terms with what is happening to me and the fact that I am going to leave my fiance and cancel the wedding.

Good luck Bunny You sound like a lovely, level headed girl, and this is not your doing so dont take on any guilt. TBH, no one will mind if there is no wedding, most people dread them and the expense they bring.

As for the sarky poster asking if f was Scottish? How tiresome. Socts are canny, that means clever, not mean. This f is English, the tightwad!

Bunny. Good for you for standing up to him. Stay calm and rational this evening, he will try and twist everything round to being your fault - remember that is isn't.

I shall be giving you a little of virtual support. x

And if you want to cross the border, i will give you my lovely spare room in Glasgow, no charge, till you get on your feet.

Bunny - good luck with tonight. Your F phoning to be "nice" suggests that he knows something is up and that his free ride might be coming to an end.
Be careful, please - Keep it calm, keep it cool and if anything gets out of hand, leave the house and go to a friend's if you can.
He might go into the sobbing "I'll do anything for you if you just stay with me, I promise I'll change, I'll do whatever it takes" - weeell, if he says any of that you can test him by asking him how much he earns and see what he says.

Big ((hug)) to keep you strong - you're doing so well.

Bunny - I have been lurking as I didn't really have anything to add other my astonishment at the utter selfish abusive twattery coming from your F.

The thing that tipped me over the edge into posting was the tipping comment. I think its Lundy Bancroft in his excellent book on abusive men why does he do that who points out you can tell a lot about his true nature by the way he treats people who he thinks are beneath him like waiters etc. So your F will save money not by cutting back on anything he wants but by not giving a tip to a low paid waiter whether or not their service is good. I think its pretty clear his world revolves entirely around his own ego!

I don't think he is going to get any better even if he "plays nice" for a bit when he realises he's pushed you too far.

Rupert, that's a lovely gesture. Tight Scots, eh?

Good luck with the chat, Bunny. I'll be thinking of you and be with you in spirit.

Good luck Bunny. Have just read this thread and am horrified as to your partner's thought processes about money. I don't think he can change, but will be interested to see what he says when you try to discuss it with him.

He isn't marriage material. Don't be embarrassed to extricate yourself, work towards being proud of having the sense and strength to make better choices in future.

All power to your elbow.

PS Don't marry him.
PPS Don't marry him.

Get a lodger instead.

Bunny, I first read this thread on monday, have looked again today and am astonished about your situation. Needless to say I agree with all the other comments that you should leave.

It sounds like you are gaining some insight too - I notice you have just described him as a bully. My ongoing reaction to his behaviour which you are describing is that it's a manifestation of domestic violence.

I hope to God that he doesn't know your MN name as I am also concerned that he may check the history on your computer.

Re: his apparently being skint - it doesn't make sense. I would be concerned that money is going elsewhere eg major debts, cocaine, (I work with substance misusers so always suspect that one as i know how devious people can be, that they come from all areas of the social spectrum, and that it causes mood swings, anger, forgetfullness etc etc), does he owe money from a previous dental practice business thats gone bust? Does he have a business partner or is the practice just him? I guess he can't be bankrupt with a flash car.

Before you have The Conversation with him, put all your essential stuff in a big handbag - passport, birth certs, cards, details of financial stuff. That way if it gets difficult and you need to just walk you have personal essentials that he can't access in your absence.

Stay Strong!!