Bloody, twatting, (D)F

[Bunnysoprano]

I am absolutely sick to death and need some perspective. However, I should warn you, this is long.....

This weekend, I parked my car in the drive in front of DF's car. We had two sets of keys - DF lost one set but denies it. Usually, I leave my keys in a glass bowl in the hall but, for some reason this weekend, I stuck them in my bag.

Today, I had to leave the house about 5:30am as was travelling for work. Whilst on the train to Glasgow, I got a text from DF saying he couldn't get his car out as I had blocked it in and taken my keys. Naturally (and I do understand this), he was annoyed.

He then got a taxi to and from work today which cost £50. However, he has used the money that I take out each month from our joint account to pay for the cleaner. I am apparently to pay this back as I need to be "punished" (I kid you not!) for what I did today re the car.

I have arrived home this evening at 10:00pm after travelling to and from Glasgow today an d am rather tired. Therefore, I have not taken very kindly to this and am absolutely fuming. Part of the reason is because F is saying that he can't afford to take a taxi to work and back (notwithstanding the fact that he is pretty much a three figure earner). Now, I do accept that it was wasted money due to my mistake but I earn nearly half of what he does. I have just paid nearly £400 for flights this month for us to go to a wedding which has left me very short on the basis that DF would sub me if I needed any money. I trusted him to do this but obviously this isn't happening.

We both put equal amounts in the joint account but just enough to cover the bills so there is no flex. F is making dire threats about not putting money in this month etc if I don't pay for the taxi etc.

I know this all sounds RIDICULOUSLY childish but I have actually had a moment of utter panic and thought that I can't actually marry someone who is going to treat me like this. What if I am off on maternity leave and need "punished"?!?!? Will I get no money.

I am fuming and have actually taken myself off in the spare bedroom to sleep tonight and think about things.

I am quite prepared for a total flaming as I am SO angry I can't think straight but AIBU about this?!?

You have absolutely no excuses! I didn't either! He is showing you his true colours before you make a lifetime commitment to him! My dh always points out that he was like this before we married or had children, that he hasn't actually changed, and therefore I knew exactly what I was getting myself in to. Not nice, I accept, but accurate!

Imo you do not need to discuss this in front of a third party. Maybe you feel like you should so someone else can see how reasonable you are being. Have faith in yopurself. You are being reasonable. You sound like you are inherently reasonable!

Yes absolutely - it's an awful realisation and the death of the dream.
I'm really sorry, but also glad that you have realised all this now and not after you are married.
I don't think he will ever change. I think the secrecy is ingrained and he wants to embroil you in that now.

One major thing I would like to say is this though, having had dealings with a narcissist who was in a relationship with someone very close to me for over a decade - we finally realised that he believed every word he said, even though to any sane person it was madness. People like this BELIEVE THEMSELVES and live in their own world. There's nothing you can do to make them see oterwise. They may pretend to play along with your wishes for a while to keep you in their control, but they can't keep it up and it is not fundamentally how they are.

Once you realise this, there is freedom, because you realise that nothing you do or say will make the blindest bit of difference to their thought processes and behaviours. It's him, not you, whose thinking is flawed. And you aren't responsible for making them behave in this way.

I often wonder how they get like it too, but in the end, they just are.

And lord, there's a lot of them about...

Oh Bunny, I am so angry with this totally selfish arse and what he's doing to you.

Why did he let you get a loan to pay for stamp duty as well as put down a 40k deposit? He still expects you to pay for that when you are on maternity leave??? Stamp duty on your SHARED house should be a SHARED thing. He considers this your debt? It may be in your name but he lives there too.
What bloody contribution is he making to the house, your life, in fact anything apart from draining you dry finacially and emotionally?

Where the hell is all his income going?

Fucking Hell, Bunny.

I have just read this whole thread and I am furious, FURIOUS with this utter fucking WANKER. How dare he, how DARE he, the self serving entitled pig.

Ugh.

OMG just read the whole thread.

If you fall PG with this guy you will be so vulnerable, I imagine he will not let you buy anything on ML, make you feel bad for not earning. It will be a nightmare.

He truly sounds incredibly odd, spiteful and mean. I would get out luckily now before there are children involved. I am sorry for you though, but you are still v young and will build a life with someone worthy of you - you sound like such a lovely person.

Good luck

Hi Bunny,

I've been lurking here since your first post. I don't post very often but I see so many red flags here.

I was married to a financially controlling man, had two children with him and it was horrible, he would question every little item I bought for them and without fail tell me I could have got it cheaper if I'd bothered to 'shop around' and I was wasting money. He never shopped around for all his golf gear though!

You have a chance here to get out and find someone decent to start a family with and be happy.

Apart from all the other red flags that the others have pointed out this stood out for me in your last post "He has told me that I am not to discuss this with my parents as they are too interfering" This is an absolute classic from a controlling man, my ex used it all the time to isolate me and to try to cover his unreasonable behaviour up from the outside world.

You sound like you could do so much better than this spoilt leech, there is someone out there who is right for you and you'll find him one day.

I'm so scared and embarrassed and ashamed.

I'm so worried about how we will sell the house and how long that will take. I'll have to stay there with him until it is done as I can't afford to move out. What if he just leaves and wont give me any money to pay the mortgage

I'm so ashamed and upset at having to tell people that we have split up.

I know that he will tell everyone that this is because I have been so greedy and selfish.

But I'm so scared and frightened about what will happen if we stay together. If we have any children, I can't put them through this.

I so appreciate you all saying that I will meet someone else but I never, ever want to be in this position ever again.

There is something wrong with me that I can't manage to meet someone who is "normal" and I can't trust myself to pick someone.

Don't be.
you must NOT stay with him because you are embarrassed or ashamed, nor scared. You are not bound to him yet, and a house should not dictate your whole life.
Hold your head up high and be proud that you will not be treated like this.

Please tell your parents absolutely everything - don't hold back.

We are your third person, bunny - although obviously he must not know you have been discussing him with us.

Of course he doesn't want you to discuss it with your parents! He doesn't want anyone to actually back you up in your outrage at his piss-poor attitude! He wants you to feel uncertain and that it's your fault, you're in the wrong. Classic control - undermine and isolate.

I love that he is so sure that you are still getting married - he really believes he has you where he wants you, even though you are struggling on the line - he's still sure he's going to reel you in and cosh you.

Bunny, you have nothing to be ashamed about. This man has taken advantage of your love and generous spirit. He wouldn't have been able to do that if you hadn't been such a kind and loving person. You have the right to be in a relationship where this is appreciated, not exploited by someone for their own selfish means.

I totally understand the ashamed feelings you have. The fact that you will have to tell people it is over will be difficult and uncomfortable, but no more difficult than what you are going through now. He may well tell people his warped version of events but those who really know you will decide for themselves and those who are worth knowing will be there for you.

Hi Bunny,

Been lurking since your first post and just wanted to offer my support. I am so angry on your behalf. Well done for talking to your parents, you are doing really well.

karma x

And if he goes about saying you are greedy and selfish - so what. You will find out who your true friends are when you tell them the truth.
Please don't be embarrassed. As someone said upthread, it's like a frog being boiled slowly in water - doesn't realise it is happening.
In my family we were saddled with the awful bloke for 13 years while my relative kept her head in the sand out of disbelief and, yes, shame, and not wanting to worry us. And also fear of being on her own.

Do NOT feel ashamed. You have done NOTHING wrong. He sounds incredibly unfair

I can't believe his attitude towards you- to question who is going to pay your loan, which was for when you bought your house, when you're on mat leave is just astounding. Well done for speaking to your parents, you're being very strong xx

You are a young and itelligent woman and you ddeserve more than this. Seriously, be thankful that you're not married yet and don't have children together. I know the house is a major concern- if he moved out could you perhaps rent a room out to help you with money?

Oh Bunny, there is nothing at all wrong with you. Nothing at all. You are caring, trusting and willing to share, attributes that are wonderful and unfortunately this arsehole has used them against you.

It's not you it's him.

I bet you anything that when you tell people you've split there'll be a lot that will now tell you exactly what they thought of him and will be right behind you.

It's not an easy thing to do, not easy at all but please believe me, it's worth the effort now.

Try not to be scared or embarassed, tell everyone the truth, don't protect him, he's not worth it.

Don't feel stupid and please don't blame yourself.

I imagine he seemed really great on the surface, very charming and reliable. Great job.

But he is terribly controlling and quite cruel with you Bunny. Just imagine what he will be like when he had more to trap you with, if you had little ones you wouldn't want to leave then, to split the family and all that emotional blackmail he would heap on you.

You are doing the right thing to bow out of this one with your dignity intact. Huge red flag.

Is there any merit in printing the thread out for your parents?

I think you are right that this isn't solveable. I know that you want to reason him into being rationale (am also a lawyer and the power of setting things out on paper and finding a solution is something that I identify with completely!) but I don't think he will listen. He will twist every expense that you have into you being frivolous and everything that he wants as being essential and a reason why you need to give money to him or supplement his lifestyle. The tax bill is a perfect example of his ability to find a perpetual excuse for his tightness and controlling.

Can I suggest that you find a local friend with a large boyfriend/husband or a good male friend who will stand up for you in kicking him out. Given that you have put in £40k as a deposit and taken out a loan for stamp duty, I think it's him that should move out, not you. But I don't think he will go easily. It's not that I think he would necessarily get violent but you need to feel supported.

I'll speak to Mum and Dad tonight.

What do you think though - a final discussion regarding this and then if we can't sort out, go our separate ways?

I am still considering a letter to him. I have the weekend to write it. If it is written in black and white, he can't twist my words. Last night he point blank denied saying that he wouldn't put money in to he joint account but that he would reduce it by £40.

I feel like I'm going mad. Why is it that in no other situation, work/social etc do I misunderstand or mishear what someone has said yet it is a constant theme in my conversations with F? No one else ever complains about it?

My mum just can't believe this. I think she is appalled at a dentist and a lawyer (with good incomes) wrangling over £40. She was actually quite angry with me today which is unlike her. She said I need to phone tonight but she actually doesn't have any advice for me on how to resolve it. Maybe dad will.

I've never had a problem before that she has ever said that about - she is very capable. She was very careful not to critise F though. I wish he knew this as according to him she and my Dad are intefering. All they have ever tried to do is to help resolve matters before. She said herself today that we seem to lurch from one crisis to another. I nearly left before over the "bastard" incidents. I've posted about that here.

I got a lecture last night too on some Martin Lewis programme about dropping a brand and cutting down on food shopping. I get the same amount for food shopping as I got two years ago when we moved in. If we need anymore, then I just buy it as I'm not going to be an arse (as I saw it but I see that I was for other reasons)and start asking for half the money for some milk back. Apparently we should be eating more pasta too as it is cheaper.

However, if we have people over and I cook for them (do that a lot as I enjoy it), I buy all the extra food for that etc.

Clearly we are meant to eating beans on toast while going on luxury holidays with at £35,000 (sorry, I said £37,000 but £35,000 is the correct figure) car sitting on the drive and no furniture for half the house.

Sorry.....I'm rambling

Op, I'd tread carefully tbh. He sounds rigid and inflexible.

I also think its unfair that you both pay the same amount of money into your joint account when you earn so much less than him. You both should be paying a certain percentage of your wage, I think. Its only fair.

It sounds like a bigger issue than just the 'punishment thing' tbh, as you also sound upset that he's not subbed you for the flight costs - and quite rightly so.

Ask yourself if he's being this stingy before marriage, its highly unlikely he'll change after marriage.

I don't think you can or should attempt to sort it out with him actually. I think his attitudes are too ingrained to be u-turned by a conversation or a letter.

I suppose you could try for your own peace of mind, but be realistic about the outcome. I doubt he is going to suddently see the light. And would be rather suspicious if he did.

Make sure your parents know he won't tell you what he earns by the way. and everything else - they need the total picture and to know this isn't just an isolated spat. Accept their help and support.

OOPs. Sorry OP, I hadn't read all the thread and after reading a couple of posts on the last page, I realised I stated the obvious. So sorry.

Really, Bunny, who is he going to tell his version of events to? I think you said he has very few friends.

Please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed. you have no reason to. And of course it's scary, but that's because it's all unknown. Once you feel more in control of things, I think you will feel empowered.

You said you don't want to go through this again - you know what? I'm pretty sure you won't. But if you are worried then I think you mentioned counselling before - that would help to make sure you break any patterns.

Bunny, the more you post about him the more convinced I am that this he is a total control freak / emotionally abusive and to be blunt you will be banging your head against a brick wall if you think he is going to change.

Can I ask you a question? Does he always blame you if things go wrong - even minor things?