Bloody, twatting, (D)F

[Bunnysoprano]

I am absolutely sick to death and need some perspective. However, I should warn you, this is long.....

This weekend, I parked my car in the drive in front of DF's car. We had two sets of keys - DF lost one set but denies it. Usually, I leave my keys in a glass bowl in the hall but, for some reason this weekend, I stuck them in my bag.

Today, I had to leave the house about 5:30am as was travelling for work. Whilst on the train to Glasgow, I got a text from DF saying he couldn't get his car out as I had blocked it in and taken my keys. Naturally (and I do understand this), he was annoyed.

He then got a taxi to and from work today which cost £50. However, he has used the money that I take out each month from our joint account to pay for the cleaner. I am apparently to pay this back as I need to be "punished" (I kid you not!) for what I did today re the car.

I have arrived home this evening at 10:00pm after travelling to and from Glasgow today an d am rather tired. Therefore, I have not taken very kindly to this and am absolutely fuming. Part of the reason is because F is saying that he can't afford to take a taxi to work and back (notwithstanding the fact that he is pretty much a three figure earner). Now, I do accept that it was wasted money due to my mistake but I earn nearly half of what he does. I have just paid nearly £400 for flights this month for us to go to a wedding which has left me very short on the basis that DF would sub me if I needed any money. I trusted him to do this but obviously this isn't happening.

We both put equal amounts in the joint account but just enough to cover the bills so there is no flex. F is making dire threats about not putting money in this month etc if I don't pay for the taxi etc.

I know this all sounds RIDICULOUSLY childish but I have actually had a moment of utter panic and thought that I can't actually marry someone who is going to treat me like this. What if I am off on maternity leave and need "punished"?!?!? Will I get no money.

I am fuming and have actually taken myself off in the spare bedroom to sleep tonight and think about things.

I am quite prepared for a total flaming as I am SO angry I can't think straight but AIBU about this?!?

Lots of people have said he is controlling, and I expect he is, but to be honest my immediate thought was that he was simply very exploitative. You are being made to pay for his everyday, mundane costs (and his mistakes). His money is for treating himself. his generosity to you is conditional, often temporary and for show.

I knew someone who did this and all his girlfriends ended up subsidising him. He exploited them all, and not just financially. For him it was about the money (no doubt for some deep psychological reason, but who cares). He could never defer gratification. To deny himself was cruelty.

I heard from him years after the friendship ended (because he constantly asked to borrow money) when the latest relationship went tits up and he asked me for £3,000 (really) to get him back to the UK. I told him to sell his Cartier watch collection. He was so angry he put the 'phone down on me.

These ingrained behaviours don't disappear and just trying to keep them within bounds is exhausting, so please be very sure it's worth doing e.g. because your DF is kind, gentle, lovely etc. Is he?

YANBU. He is childish.
Explain then in manner of speaking to child what he has done wrong and what he needs to do, ie. apologise and promise it will never happen again even when you are on mat leave and have no money.
Optional final point to make: he is being an eejit.

I think it IS about more than money. He is pretty keen on making OP apologise to him for all manner of "transgressions" it would seem...

It's all about control. Money is simply a tool... a means to an end... the way to get you to fall in line. Because money is so very important to him (in terms of status and control), he automatically assumes that by jerking you around financially that you will dance. Because he judges everyone else around him by his own values. That's why a man who cheats on his wife will often turn around and accuse her of cheating (even though she isn't). It's the same sort of thing.

I repeat, you may NEVER know why he does this. Is it REALLY that important that you know why?? You cannot fix this. He is what he is.

Bunny, I think you should put money aside for your eventual split. You have been kept short of money by your fiance, and my fear is, that as soon as you mention splitting up he will secrete even more to stop you getting it. I suggest you get the house valued without his knowledge and also consult a solicitor about the division of assets. You must get this information for yourself, because your fiance will definitely lie to you if he says he has done these things, and about the outcome.

I'm sorry you're going through this; emotional abuse is almost harder for outsiders to accept because there are no injuries to see. Definitely get counselling for yourself, even if fiance refuses.

A relationship without trust isn't worth having.

Hi All - about to head home.

I have taken all of your advice on board. I suppose you are right that we don't know what goes on behind closed doors re his parents and, actually, it doesn't really matter. He is what he is.

I am about to go home now. I am sure that he thinks that I am sulking and I will need to talk to him. I just can't face it. Everytime I think about it, its as though huge hands are pressing on my shoulders and I just feel exhausted as I know we wont get anywhere and I don't want a shouting match.

If he shouts, I will just walk away but then it takes me ages to calm down and not feel upset. Not what I want when I get home from work.

I'm still leaning towards writing an email and asking him to meet me tomorrow night. I shall be having a glass of tapwater (free) and the issue of who pays then doesn't come up. To be fair, he wouldn't actually sit there until I paid up, instead, just keep a tally in his head and deduct it later.

Bunny, my Dsis had a partner like yours, lived with him for a number of years. She left her DS to move 200 miles away with this man. He was/is an air traffic controller and commercial pilot, so a not inconsiderable salary. She had to work two jobs (1 ft, 1pt)(as she wasn't skilled) and everything had to be split down the middle. If he bought a pint of milk or loaf of bread on the way home, he made a note of what it cost and put down half the cost on a note on the wall and it was left as a running total of what she owed him - so a man who earns £'000s would make a girl who he supposedly loved, work two jobs and still demand 20p towards the milk he bought on the way home. We told her to run but she wouldn't because she loved him .

He left her for OW in the end.

After he left, she admitted he was also violent towards her.

Bunny... how are you today?

I wish I could clone my DH for you. Soory but you can't have the original . Or if he had a brother, I'd send him your way. This is how some men can be: we had some lovely financial news this morning. I've come into a little money (of my own, not a joint asset), and when I ran to tell him, he grabbed me in an enormous hug and said "I am so happy for you!!!" I then said I was going to completely pay off our credit cards, and that I was really happy that he'd decided to treated himself (with his own money) to bags for his motorcycle recently even though they were pricey because now he needn't feel pressed... and he said "no, I'm paying for those, they were my treat to me".
There are men like that. I found him, as I said, when I was a few years older than you. I bet yours is waiting somewhere for you to get out of this, and some day, when you're feeling really good about yourself and your life, he'll show up.

Bunny
I've been following your thread, sorry for not posting sooner.
Just wanted to say that my dh sounds similar to yours and we have had endless arguments along the lines of the ones you are having...... and lots of similar issues.
I just never actually got around to leaving mine before children were involved, and now not a day goes by where I don't fantasise about how live might have been without him.
My life isn't a misery, but there isn't much love left in my relationship with him.

You know what you need to do. Don't brush this away. Respect what your parents have taught you about relationsips, and try to teach your children the same. You sure as hell won't be able to do that in a relationship like the one you have right now.

I am hoping and praying that you leave this man.

Vicariously yours,

VL x

Bunny - I am worried about you. I think you still think you can 'fix' him and I don't know that anything we say to you will make you see that you can't.

I (and many others here) know how hard it is to leave a relationship, to give up, but we just want the best for you, we want to save you years more of this shitty behaviour and help you to get out before you get married and have children.

There is no way you can change this man, no way - I can't say it more clearly than that.

Please start putting things in place before you say anything to him, get as much advice and money together as you can and STAY in your house.

I and many others are here for you and it's not conditional on you taking our advice OK.

I have to agree with ChippinIn there bunny - we know that the final decision of what to do is down to you but it does still look like you are looking for ways to fix this.

Why? What is so scary about leaving him? Are you worried you will lose the £40k? Are you worried he will attempt to destroy your reputation with all your friends? Are you afraid of his temper, that he might become violent? WHAT exactly worries you most about leaving him?

You being 32 is not an issue. Lots of people have found better partners after this age - a friend of mine left her twat of an H when she was 33 and a couple of years later met a fantastic man and has 3 DC with him. 32 is YOUNG. You have TIME. What you don't have is a magic wand to "fix" this selfish arsewipe who you are currently engaged to. It's never going to happen - he is never going to change because what he does works for him. He gets to buy his fancy car (no compromising on the car, don't even go there, his needs are so much more important than day to day living costs )
He gets to spend his money the way he wants - he gets free legal advice when he wants it and trashes it when he doesn't (try making him pay the going rate for it, see whether or not he feels it's quite so valueless then!)

You have the legal knowledge, or easy access to it, to deal with this situation so that you come out of it safely and with your money - please use it.

You cannot want to live your life being afraid to go home, afraid to discuss something in case he shouts, tippytoeing around your own home because you don't want a row to start - can you see how awful this sounds?

Please talk to your parents as well - I have no doubt they know you are not happy and will do what they can to help you.

MOrning Bunny.... how are you doing today?

A friend of mine ended up with a guy like this. They eventually got divorced. As part of the financial settlement bit of the divorce, he produced a list of every single thing he had ever bought for her or spent money on for the entirety of their 5 year relationship. Every pint of beer, every christmas present.

Her solicitor had never seen anything like it.

You need to deal with this now. I completely understand your unwillingness to get into another fight about this but you can't sleep walk into marriage like this.

As a contrast, I am getting married in a few months and my OH has just this week sent me an email listing all the savings he has, itemised into easy access and ISAs so that I know exactly how much money we can spend. He wanted to make sure that I knew exactly where we stand.

I am not saying that to be all smug and "look at me", but to show that love doesn't have to come with this sort of control over money.

Please please talk to your parents as well. You need someone completely on your side .

Yikes Free re friend's DH. What was the outcome of the divorce? I mean.... did the court think that was nutty too? That is just so WIERD.

Bunny, have you considered what all this stress is doing to your health? If someone has a stressful job, they need a calm and relaxed home life to balance it. You are, by your own admission not getting this. And living like this is no good for your mental health either.

When I went to counselling to see if there was any chance of saving my marriage, I was asked some things about it. I think the penny dropped for me that there was nothing worth hanging onto. You may wish to ask yourself the same questions, and also what would your fiance answer if he were asked ( would you agree with his answers)

Do you discuss your day together over making dinner or doing the dishes?

Can you discuss important issues together and make decisions together?

Do differences of opinion always result in a row, or can you agree to disagree amicably?

Can you apologise to each other after an argument and not bear a grudge/keep harping on about it/ use it to punish the other?

Do you trust your partner?

Do you respect your partner as a person in their own right, as well as half of a couple?

Do you really enjoy spending time together, and are completely relaxed in the other's company?

If your partner needs to talk, do you listen? Can they come to you with any problem and be assured of your help and support?

Do you tease each other and know that it is just teasing, not a personal attack?

Are you afraid of your partner?

Do you resent your partner in any way?

When the answers you give are not the same as the ones you would like them to be you know there is something badly wrong.

Bunnysoprano, much food for thought here, and you're facing a difficult time; but you are a professional, you are strong and intelligent. You are not a twisted wreck; he unfortunately is.

You know you are not getting what you want from this relationship, and believe me (and everyone else), you will find a better one, once this one is finished.

One step at a time.

Hope you're doing ok Bunny

Hi All - thanks for all of your messages. I really appreciate them and am reading them all and taking in the advice.

We now need to stay in a hotel when we go the wedding as my friend and her husband are splitting up - we were meant to be staying with them.

I have texted F to ask if he is still coming so that we can arrange hotel accommodation.

He has texted back to say he will discuss with me this evening.

I have a client event so have texted back to say that I will be back late and really amn't fit for a shouting match as it makes be feel scared and upset but proposing we have a chat tomorrow and in public to prevent shouting (for either of us).

I have also said that it seems as though he doesn't trust me and I'm not sure how/if that can be fixed.

I am sure that he will think that I am being hyperdramatic about everything. Maybe not though, maybe he plans to give me my marching orders.

Anyway, I am going to try and speak to my parents tonight and let them know what is happening. We do need to speak as the texting/ignoring (as he will see it and I suppose I am) has to stop.

I have to be honest and say that I'm not sure that I can say tonight that I am going to leave. I think when I say that, I have to be in a position to actually go.

However, alternatively, I can quite easily stay in the spare room for the moment.

It is going to be very awkward this weekend as his sister and her partner are coming to stay on Sat night. They will no doubt think I am an absolute loon if I am in the spare room and refusing to come to the pagent thing.

Can you go away to your parents this weekend? Or to a friend's? Anywhere else in fact? Maybe that would be better - it would get both of you out of a potentially embarrassing situation and also give you both a good excuse reason for why you are not attending the pageant. No need to start going public with any concerns until you are sure about what you are going to do.

You are right - you do need to speak. You also need to be very clear as to what you expect from your dicussion - and what outcomes you are hoping for. More to the point, you need to have a concept of what would turn this into an acceptable situation for you - a list of points, if you like, that need to be addressed and rectified for your relationship to go forward and work. And you need to know what you will accept and what you won't - and what you will do if he refuses to budge on any of it.

I hope your parents can support you through this - it sounds as though they are the type who will - and give you strength to do what is right for you as a person in your own right, rather than for you-the-part-of-the-couple.

Has he agreed to the public meet tomorrow?

So what if they think you are a loon. We know you're not.

And you can quite calmly explain why you're not going - so that the cleaner gets paid as your F lost the keys and ended up taking the money and has asked for it back from you... whilst expecting you to book flights etc for the wedding... (I suppose they're YOUR friends so that he should be expected to have to pay?)

oh please go to your parents for the w/e then you can talk to them properly
and also don't have to face the sister etc

What on earth do you mean "HE might give me my marching orders"!!!!!!!!

Are you not thinking straight? Aren't you dumping HIM?

I get the impression that you really don't want other (RL) people to know that you are going through this and in a way it's not really happening, maybe you don't want to admit you've made a mistake. Maybe you don't want other people to worry about you.
Talk to RL people, admit you're having a shit time at the moment, noone will think badly of you or that you're not coping or anything, they'll want to talk to you just like they do here and they'll want to help you and they'll forgive your partner too if you want them to but I feel like you're scared to admit this to real people, have you told any friends or anything?

You aren't going to the pageant thing anyway, as you have to use the money to pay the cleaner because your dh wouldn't use public transport to get to and from work, and is making you pay for his taxis.

You are going to the wedding though, but your dh is not, as he doesn't want to.

You do not need to explain to anyone what you are doing or why. If asked you can just tell the truth.

I know it's a problem. When I turned up at my brother's memorial without dh, I didn't say "Oh he didn't want to come", I made up excuses. I wasn't near splitting up with him though (perhaps that's my mistake!)

Sounds like you've got more than enough reason to go off and see your parents.

I am considering what to do at the moment. I don't see our relationship as tenable but that doesn't mean (rightly or wrongly) that I can actually just split up with him this evening.

I know that that must sound increadibly pathetic but I do feel that I need to hear what he has to say.

My parents will be very sympathetic and supportive. However, they would be a bit and if I turn up and say that things are over but I haven't actually listened to what F had to say this evening.