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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody, twatting, (D)F

587 replies

Bunnysoprano · 12/07/2010 23:07

I am absolutely sick to death and need some perspective. However, I should warn you, this is long.....

This weekend, I parked my car in the drive in front of DF's car. We had two sets of keys - DF lost one set but denies it. Usually, I leave my keys in a glass bowl in the hall but, for some reason this weekend, I stuck them in my bag.

Today, I had to leave the house about 5:30am as was travelling for work. Whilst on the train to Glasgow, I got a text from DF saying he couldn't get his car out as I had blocked it in and taken my keys. Naturally (and I do understand this), he was annoyed.

He then got a taxi to and from work today which cost £50. However, he has used the money that I take out each month from our joint account to pay for the cleaner. I am apparently to pay this back as I need to be "punished" (I kid you not!) for what I did today re the car.

I have arrived home this evening at 10:00pm after travelling to and from Glasgow today an d am rather tired. Therefore, I have not taken very kindly to this and am absolutely fuming. Part of the reason is because F is saying that he can't afford to take a taxi to work and back (notwithstanding the fact that he is pretty much a three figure earner). Now, I do accept that it was wasted money due to my mistake but I earn nearly half of what he does. I have just paid nearly £400 for flights this month for us to go to a wedding which has left me very short on the basis that DF would sub me if I needed any money. I trusted him to do this but obviously this isn't happening.

We both put equal amounts in the joint account but just enough to cover the bills so there is no flex. F is making dire threats about not putting money in this month etc if I don't pay for the taxi etc.

I know this all sounds RIDICULOUSLY childish but I have actually had a moment of utter panic and thought that I can't actually marry someone who is going to treat me like this. What if I am off on maternity leave and need "punished"?!?!? Will I get no money.

I am fuming and have actually taken myself off in the spare bedroom to sleep tonight and think about things.

I am quite prepared for a total flaming as I am SO angry I can't think straight but AIBU about this?!?

OP posts:
MaryMungo · 14/07/2010 12:18

Bunny, I'm rereading this and just can't see anywhere where this bloke is good with money, particularly if he's so skint you have to do free legal work for him

Do you know how he funded that car?

LuluF · 14/07/2010 12:34

Maybe you should invoice him for the work you did for him? Like he asks you to contribute to meals you believe he has treated you to. Or tell you what, just wipe the £50 debt and call it quits.

NotQuiteCockney · 14/07/2010 12:37

He will happily give you £50 spare, which you clearly see as a great, generous thing ... And spend £37K on a car?

Please get out.

mistlethrush · 14/07/2010 12:52

All the things you've said suggest that this is, in no way, an equal partnership. At least you've worked it out now - whilst its still reasonably easy to cut the ties - you've got no problems with having to see him or be partially financially dependant upon him because of children.

32's not old - perhaps it will be 3rd time lucky?

NotQuiteCockney · 14/07/2010 12:58

Actually, in your shoes, I think it might make sense to talk to a counsellor, maybe don't bother with Relate, but see if you can find a recommended BACP professional in your area, to talk all this over.

You might work out why you have chosen someone with such a stingy attitude, and stop yourself from doing it again.

Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 14/07/2010 12:59

Hi all - I'm still here.

I'm absolutely exhausted and actually still can't face speaking to him so am keeping out of his way and we're just ignoring each other since the last discussion last night about the weekend. That's not very fair so I know I need to.

I am wondering about writing a letter and asking him to meet me at a restaurant to discuss it tomorrow or just asking him to meet me at a restaurant. I don't want to speak to him at home because I think there is more chance of shouting (both of us) ensuing.

I just feel so, so tired though. However, have to pull self together and do this. Has anyone ever had any experience of anyone who has actually sorted out a situation like this or is splitting up the only way?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 14/07/2010 13:00

PS - there is no way that I can just call it quits with him as he has taken the money and therefore I need to replace it. If not, the cleaner wont be paid and, obviously, I can't let that happen.

OP posts:
Fizzywinelover · 14/07/2010 13:00

No, 32 is nothing. I was 32 when I finally left my abusive x..... and thought i was too old. (I had hung on for about 2 years too long fretting about the 'wasted time' i had put into it). I then met someone and launched into a probbaly too-soon rebound relationship. 8 years later we are married, and I have never ever been so happy. Amazing to meet 'the one' on the rebound, but goes to show you never know!

What I DO know though, is that even all this time later I still think with relief that I got away from the X. Best thing I EVER did was leave.

CarGirl · 14/07/2010 13:01

If he is unable to see your point of view then I think splitting up is the only way.

Who is supposed to be paying for the wedding btw?

Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 14/07/2010 13:01

PPS - that was why I was so angry/upset and scared about it as I wondered if, in the future, he would actually take money away from me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 14/07/2010 13:01

Parents have offered to pay for the wedding (as they did with my sister) and we will pay for some bits.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 14/07/2010 13:02

I think he would have no hesitation in the future at leaving you without money, just letting you and the dc survive on CB as "your" money to clothe yourself and dcs do stuff during the week etc. I can imagine you having to justify every food shop etc

Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 14/07/2010 13:04

I suppose it's not important but I CAN'T understand where he has got this attitude. His parents have fully joint finances.

OP posts:
LuluF · 14/07/2010 13:05

Definitely invoice him for the legal work you did, then. And if you go to a restaurant, who's going to pay for it? Agree beforehand, perhaps?

CarGirl · 14/07/2010 13:06

I don't think it's about the money as such I think it's about being in control and feeling threatened by you.

If he spouts anything about the £8k engagement ring just remind him that your parents are probaby going to spend more than that paying for the wedding!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 14/07/2010 13:06

Bunny the only way out of this is either for him to realise that his attitude is wrong and to work to change it, or for you to split.

If he won't accept that he is at fault then I don't see another way, except for you to leave him.

Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 14/07/2010 13:06

Sorry - stream of consciousness now.

When I do write/speak to him, what is my bottom line?

Do I insist on a fully joint bank account now? I wouldn't mind continuing with two separate ones as long as he is clear on what he earns and what he is spending.

Definitely need to re-negotiate the joint account money going in though.

I will need to do an updated statement of what is going in and coming out etc. God, I just can't face it.

OP posts:
PortiaNovmerriment · 14/07/2010 13:07

The last thing anybody here wants to do is tell you what to do, Bunny. But in my own experience, I'm afraid that people like this do not improve with age.

This exhaustion at the prospect of the inevitable row speaks volumes to. And tiptoeing around him, neither of you speaking. It must really grind you down. I rather suspect that you will feel tremendously liberated when you are out of this relationship, and that when you do meet someone else you will wonder why the hell you put yourself through this for so long. I know I did.

CarGirl · 14/07/2010 13:09

Perhaps you should start by asking him how he sees things being done financially once you are married. Then how would it work once you have children.

If he spouts about it all being joint then explain to him that you want to start towards that now as you've been so starled and hurt by his recent behaviour and actions wrt to money.

traceybath · 14/07/2010 13:10

Bunny - I personally wouldn't worry about joint accounts - I would focus on getting out of this relationship.

Does he have any redeeming features at all?

And 32 is not old at all and way too young to settle for a man who is so mean/unkind/controlling - god - you should never settle for that ever.

CarGirl · 14/07/2010 13:12

Yes what are his redeeming qualities?

What is it about your relationship that you are so desperate to salvage?

Why would anyone who really loves you treat you like this?

ZombiePlanB · 14/07/2010 13:12

bunny - if you cut and paste all the things you've said about him the he just doesn't seem to be very nice or respectful towards you.

Can you think of a time when he's put himself out for you or taken advice you've given?

How about sex? What happens if you don't fancy it?

ZombiePlanB · 14/07/2010 13:13

jinx!

Original poster
Bunnysoprano · 14/07/2010 13:13

What I need to make him see is that it is NOTHING to do with MONEY. It is to do with trust. I can't trust him not to leave me in the shit or to look after me/children in the future, if I needed it.

I do believe that he would not cheat on me and he is always very disproving of friends who do but I feel this is exactly the same breach of trust.

Actually, if he ran off in the future with another woman and all of his money it would be just as bad as living in a house with me but leaving me constantly unsure of what/how he is going to react because I want to get my hair cut on maternity leave.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 14/07/2010 13:16

and his redeeming qualities are......?

Exactly if he doesn't trust you then what is the point, are you going to be accused of affairs etc if you don't do as he wants?

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