Bloody, twatting, (D)F

[Bunnysoprano]

I am absolutely sick to death and need some perspective. However, I should warn you, this is long.....

This weekend, I parked my car in the drive in front of DF's car. We had two sets of keys - DF lost one set but denies it. Usually, I leave my keys in a glass bowl in the hall but, for some reason this weekend, I stuck them in my bag.

Today, I had to leave the house about 5:30am as was travelling for work. Whilst on the train to Glasgow, I got a text from DF saying he couldn't get his car out as I had blocked it in and taken my keys. Naturally (and I do understand this), he was annoyed.

He then got a taxi to and from work today which cost £50. However, he has used the money that I take out each month from our joint account to pay for the cleaner. I am apparently to pay this back as I need to be "punished" (I kid you not!) for what I did today re the car.

I have arrived home this evening at 10:00pm after travelling to and from Glasgow today an d am rather tired. Therefore, I have not taken very kindly to this and am absolutely fuming. Part of the reason is because F is saying that he can't afford to take a taxi to work and back (notwithstanding the fact that he is pretty much a three figure earner). Now, I do accept that it was wasted money due to my mistake but I earn nearly half of what he does. I have just paid nearly £400 for flights this month for us to go to a wedding which has left me very short on the basis that DF would sub me if I needed any money. I trusted him to do this but obviously this isn't happening.

We both put equal amounts in the joint account but just enough to cover the bills so there is no flex. F is making dire threats about not putting money in this month etc if I don't pay for the taxi etc.

I know this all sounds RIDICULOUSLY childish but I have actually had a moment of utter panic and thought that I can't actually marry someone who is going to treat me like this. What if I am off on maternity leave and need "punished"?!?!? Will I get no money.

I am fuming and have actually taken myself off in the spare bedroom to sleep tonight and think about things.

I am quite prepared for a total flaming as I am SO angry I can't think straight but AIBU about this?!?

You need your parents onside now really. It will help when he starts playing mindgames in order to keep control.

Another poster on here felt incredibly empowered when she told a friend what had been going on in her relationship - as if a dirty secret had been let out into the open air, Tell someone - have you got a RL friend you could confide in - go for a drink with tomorrow night?

Failing that - can you not visit your parents for the w/e?

Triggles what a great post - this is exactly the point. Dont worry about this what your parents or even frends might think.
It is simply about what you need right now and anybody who loves you will automatically understand this.

Nonno - no I am Scottish, he is English!

Yours is a lovely story. I am 32 so quite old. I think if I go, I would just like to live on my own for the rest of my life. I actually would really quite like that.

catsmother - I would say his mother is pretty controlling. It seems (actually more from what his sister says, he usually wont hear a word said against his mother) that she kept him on a very tight leash when he lived at home and he has said that he couldn't wait to go to university. Apparently then used to have enormous fights when he lived at home.

I'm just not sure where this has come from in terms of how he speaks to me. The money thing has definitely come from his parents who are increadibly tight. His sister is very generous.

I think a lot of money has gone on the car. Also, when we move in, we both kept out flats. I have paid an agent to manage mine and have always been able to rent it out. The shortfall is only £80 a month but I always wanted to keep it as it is in Aberdeen and has kept going up in value. I just wanted the security too.

F bought a flat in Liverpool that has been a money pit with a huge service charge. It is in negative equity. He wont pay for an agent (waste of money apparently and another indication of my wasteful nature) so had nightmares with tenants who wont pay etc. I think that costs a lot.

I have done a lot of "free" legal work for him as I have drafted all the leases (only from a style at work) but also had to write all the letters and raise the court actions to recover the money. I have had a good success rate but it takes a lot of time etc after work. I have asked him to get an agent but apparently this is a TOTAL waste of money and again indicative of my poor financial sense

Oh dear you have revealed so much about how mean spirited and controlling he his.

It will take time but the house can be sold, you can rebuild your life meet someone decent etc. Your parents will be so relieved that you've seen through him now before the wedding etc.

Counselling for yourself would be a good thing because it will help you not fall for a controlling man again.

Big hugs and come back whenever you need some reassurance that it is HIM that is unreasonable and controlling not you being money grabbing.

Right from very early on dh and I have used it all as our money despite me bringing a child to the relationship, we're a team, we work for the good of our unit not for us indivdually.

32 is not old.

(and I meant fiance not finance earlier - oops)

Can I come and thump him for you? I am so at the way he speaks to you.

He is totally projecting all his crap financial awareness (or lack of) onto you .... whilst at the same time being mean, irresponsible, utterly hypocritical and relying upon you to bail him out ..... e.g. the free legal work (where would he be if you hadn't done that ?) and this reclamation of money spent yonks ago that he suddenly declares was never a treat but in effect a loan.

Can I come round and thump him too ? Better still, grind his arrogant, ignorant face into the pavement.

And no, 32 is NOT old. I didn't meet my DP (after, co-incidentally, a very short lived but disastrous marriage to an utterly selfish c**t who screwed me over big style financially with a whole heap of lies) until I was almost 37, and had our daughter 2 and a bit years later. There are so many normal decent men out there who'd treat you with respect, honesty and as an equal, and you have loads of time yet in which to lick your wounds for as long as you need before meeting them. Honestly, this "man" will end up destroying you ... please don't let him do that.

You should be charging him for your work. Next time he makes a complaint about your spending or lack of funds, or next time he asks you to write a letter, simply point out that if he paid you for the free work you're doing you would have more money.

OK. You have to put a stop to this. Tell him if he won't go to Relate then your relationship is over. Give him the choice. If he still won't go to Relate that tells you how seriously he takes your relationship.

You don't want to find yourself in a situation where he's buying your tampons for you and telling you to be careful how many you use; or how many leaves of loo paper you're allowed to use at a time; or if you must have cash you don't want to watch him pull out a wad of money, leaf through the 20s, the 10s and finally hand over a 5 while telling you to be careful with it.

He is controlling you. Money is the agent he uses, but if that handle is taken away, he'll use something else. You've already moved away from your family for him. How long will it be before your friends start dropping by the wayside (he doesn't like them, he doesn't want to go to their weddings, they are trying to turn you against him etc etc etc.). Look out for it, don't let it happen. You're worth a damn sight more.

Bunny - it is not just over money that he is critical of you is it? I searched for this post using your name, and found several threads in which you have asked for help regarding his criticisms and anger towards you.

Perhaps doing the same search yourself will highlight to you that this a pattern of behaviour and not an isolated incident.

Thistledew is so right.
Look back at your threads Bunny.
Time to call it a day isn't it?

Oh dear Bunny. Good Luck having a thing and working out what to do.

But 32 is not old. Although you wouldn't consider it now there is loads of time to meet a decent loving sane person who respects you. I got out of my long term relationship with an abusive controlling exP at 29 and met my DH at 30. Life has been wonderful ever since and my only regret is staying in a hideous relationship for so long as I thought that was the best I could do. So sad for the years wasted - and for you. Speak to Relate if you can get in (they often have long waiting lists) or someone at work and work out a best plan... and keep trying to talk to F ... but please DON'T show him this thread.

*think

Sounds exactly like my ex Bunny. He was very controlling over money - and pretty much everything else tbh.

He wanted to go on holiday to New York but I knew I couldn't afford it. He went ahead and booked it anyway and made me pay him back at £100 per month for nearly a year. I really struggled to find that money every month, for a holiday I didn't want to go on in the first place. (Didn't occur to me NOT to go when it was booked though for some reason).

He earned WAY more than me, and I know that if the roles had been reversed I wouldn't have treated him like that.

Like you, I also kept a lot from my family. I know I would have been ashamed if they had known what was going on.

It has been already mentioned, but money is only one way of controlling you.

It will get worse.

Bunny - I hope you managed to have a quiet evening.

When is the wedding? (the one you are going to, not yours). If it's within the next couple of weeks you should cancel his ticket and go by yourself. If he kicks off, remind him that he said he wasn't going if you didn't go to the thing this weekend.

Print this off - take it with you - read it - think HARD. DO NOT let him read it.

You will soon see that there is only one sensible course of action.

If you can't get him to physically leave - where do you stand with putting the house on the market & getting your (and your parents) money out of it?? Do you have friends you could stay with for a bit?

It is shit - there's no douting that - but to be honest, better now than later and if you did stay with him, it would end like this (or worse) - you are far too nice and far too sensible to stay in this relationship forever.... leave before you get married/have children.

I know 32 feels 'old' but it's not - you still have plenty of time to find someone who is not like F and not like your ex. You deserve so much more - please don't settle for this and please don't make the biggest mistake you could - and think you can change him - attitudes like his are far too ingrained to change.

I know it's hard - but sometimes you just have to gather up all your strength and face up to life. You can do it!! x

Bunny, do you think he is spending as much time worrying about your relationship and how to put it right? I doubt it, he sounds monumentally self-centred.
Breaking an engagement and sorting out joint property is horrid, I've done it (also with an emotionally abusive man), however I bet that it's a piece of cake compared to a divorce and custody disputes. I can't tell you how relieved I was to be free of him. Removing my dickhead of a DF also left me free to be with my now DH, who would never dream of us having anything other than totally joint finances.

Bunny, I have nothing to add that hasn't been said already by the lovely posters on this thread. Except to reiterate that you are not old. I'm another one who met my wonderful DH at 35 and got married at 37. Had DS at 39. There are wonderful men out there and you will meet one. Don't give up and don't settle.

32 is a perfect time to get out of this situation. If you wait until you are married and maybe pg, you could be 3 years further along - not such a good time to get out. I didn't meet my DH until I was 35 so you have time - and even if you decide to be on your own, why waste any more of your precious life on this monumental tosser?

As other posters have said, the more you say about him, the worse he is turning out.

Do NOT show him this thread. He will totally use it against you. Do NOT tell him that you have spoken to people on line about it - he will also use that against you.

It says a lot that you are embarrassed to talk to your parents about your situation = inside, your unconscious mind is shouting and screaming at you to take notice of your discomfort with this situation. And I have to take issue with your "worst case scenario" - I'm afraid that your worst case scenario is nowhere near the worst it could be. For me, your worst case scenario is staying with him, getting married, getting pg and all our dire predictions of his controlling abusive type behaviour coming true. That would be a 100x worse than leaving him now, honestly.

It feels to me like finding a small lump in your breast but having a terror of hospitals and operations. You find the lump, it worries you but not as much as finding out it's something nasty - so you do nothing. It niggles at you from time to time, you worry that doing nothing might be a bad idea but you are still scared of the hospital option so you do nothing. Meantime the lump grows, spreads and eventually destroys you - but you never had any operation because you were scared of having it cut out. Sorry if that sounds really harsh and nasty but it does have a similar feel to your current situation.

Don't allow this man to destroy you - cut him out now while you still have the mental strength to know that what he is doing is Wrong.

Bunny I think there is a limit to how poor with money a solicitor can be - you really can't be that bad, despite what he says. I think he has undermined your confidence there to an unfounded degree. (I wonder whether he would do likewise in future wrt parenting.)

Don't show him the thread, it won't help. And it doesn't matter what a bunch of internet loons think, except in so far as posting has clarified your thoughts - it only matters what you think.

Take your time - what's the rush? You need time to let your thoughts settle. If you talk to him while things are fresh in your mind you won't come across clearly or decisively.

What does the deed of trust say? (I'm a family solicitor, btw)

32 is definitely not too late to start again and it is far too early to tie yourself to a man about whom you have so many reservations. Don't worry about explaining anything to him. Just say you need some time and take it.

Hi bunny just wanted to say you're not old at all, my friend left her partner 2 years ago after he had an affair when she was 31 and is now engaged and pregnant to a new wonderful man.

I reiterate what others have said DO NOT show him this thread, he will just bang on about you talking about him instead to detract from the real issues. It is incredibly meaningful to you but the opinions of people he doesn't know based on your side of the story is just going to get right up his nose!

Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Do you want him to treat you like this in front of your future children, have him tell them you are lazy and grasping?

I know how this behaviour can creep up on you. It's the old story of the frog in water that is heated so slowly that it doesn't notice that it has become boiling.

You need to listen to your instincts. Believe me, negotiating childrearing with an aabusive ex is absolutely hell.

Words I wish I'd listened to: Never marry anyone that you wouldn't like to be divorced from.

Just re-iterating what the others said 32 is not old. Am 31 and most of my friends are still single / not in long term relationships. A few people I know have met people not long after getting out of not so pleasant relationships. You can do it (if that is what you want).

He seems controlling and that is not something you want to stay with.

Good luck with everything.

How are you today, hope you are okay and coping this is a very painful realisation - please talk to your parents you need some RL support.

Bunny,
can you access counselling and advice (legal or emotional) through work? I think it would probably really help to talk over things with someone in RL, perhaps someone outside the situation who will not get upset for you as your parents might.

Or try LawCare (www.lawcare.org.uk)and the Law Society has a pastoral care helpline on 020 7320 5795.