Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 6

[pointythings]

A new thread so that the conversations can continue overnight. We have sadly been very active lately, so I thought it best to be proactive.

These threads are for everyone who has an alcoholic in their life: partner/husband/wife, sibling, child, parent. This is a safe space where you can vent and say all the things you can't say out loud in real life.

The people on these threads have all been there or are still on their journey. We will share what we have learned, crack dark jokes and offer a shoulder to cry on. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?page=40&reply=153683715

@AcrossthePond55 @Nogoodusername @Fupoffyagrasshole
thank you. You lots to think on. Typed long response and the filters are it. 🤣

And pisshead was posting on fb. Slanderous things - making him look like a total prat

then be backtracks it all 🙄

Morning
I’m letting my exh see our son for a few hours every few weeks
I’m breathalysing him
I’m getting so worn down with this
he thinks after a few time of doing this everything will go back to normal and he’ll have ds over Xmas etc
I feel like I have no support . I had a lovely partner for over 2 years up until a year ago who was t-total and would do anything for us but that ended and I’m just feeling so low at the moment . Not sure if it’s the time of year .

Urgh sorry @Penguinsandspaniels, what twats they are on a binge.

Ex is a keyboard warrior when he is in his angry stages of the month (he drinks all day every day so isn’t related to no alcohol to bingeing) and sends me and siblings abuse by email, then silence, then email a couple of weeks later like nothing happened wanting sympathy and support. I don’t reply to any anymore. Swore to myself that the last time was the end. Am four months now of ignoring all emails and staying strong!!

Sorry you are having a rough time @TheThingOnTheIce. I’m off men permanently since Ex and enjoying being able to be a mom without an overgrown addict resenting any time that isn’t spent on him. But I am early days (just over the year mark) so may start to miss a partnership, who knows.

Try and arrange something nice for you and DS with friends?

unless you are supervising contact yourself, make sure you breathalyse Ex at the end of contact too. Mine would do a breathalyser and then drink during contact time

His DC stopped wanting to see him because he was weird and erratic during supervised contact (because drinking secretly throughout it) but were too scared/ felt too guilty to share/ didn’t want to cause an argument between their mum and him if she had to refuse contact because of what they told her. Eventually the youngest cracked with a school therapist, cue social services referral etc

yes I’m breathalysing him on pick up and drop off
he shakes so much it took him about 10 goes to actually use it properly
I try to do as much stuff with ds as we can but I feel like we’re harassing ppl and getting left on read or people saying they’ve already got plans has me not bothering so much anymore
I’ll never have another relationship again now either

I always breathalysed before and after but as she’s never alone with him now I don’t

but we can smell it on him so no need to breathalyse

Keep strong. No need for you to have contact

I have to , to a certain extent due to dd

I think seeing my most recent ex as a suggested friend on fb a few days ago has knocked me too . Looks like he’s also still single and he’d opened his fb account 1 year to the day since we split up too weirdly . I promptly blocked him.

I think if I’d managed to get myself a decent relationship then my ex would feel less inclined to throw his weight around if I had another man in my corner
I mean he’s terrified of my dad

Honestly, you on this board who have DC with their addict are my heroes - so much stronger than I have had to be and also the ongoing contact

Could you block his emails completely? Is there a reason that you need to accept his abuse onto your computer?

He’s blocked on my work server but Gmail sends to junk for 30 days and there is something demented in me that makes me check! Now I don’t reply at all, it doesn’t bother me as much, I only really get one a month now and maybe 1 in 4 is rude. It’s progress!!

Tbh it’s easier to be stronger - for her

this is why I left - for her

And he’s canceled tomorrow. God I know him so well !! 😂

happy days

Shame you can’t put a bet on that with a bookie - loaded!! 🤣

DH has not drunk anything since June. I'm honestly feeling so many things about this.

I'm angry that he didn't give up sooner if it was this bloody easy.

I'm pleased for him that many aspects of his health are improving.

I'm furious at all the wasted time and opportunities.

I'm sad that it took so long for him to get to this point.

I'm angry that DS2 is so hurt by his dad's behaviour.

I'm lonely because I can't seem to talk to him about any of it.

We're living like housemates. It's not a marriage any more and I don't know how to move on in any direction.

I completely get the “void” you are in, and can echo all of that emotions you’ve listed. The what could have beens, the effort.
Its like living a lie you can’t escape. Mine hasn’t been dry for more than a month - this time - but it feels like a betrayal on so many levels.
It’s good that you can see how it’s making you feel, even though it hurts. I guess naming these things means we can’t be controlled by them.

Sometimes it's too little, too late. The damage is done. It may be the case that you will be better off splitting up in a civil manner and then co-parenting. That is what would have happened if my husband had found sobriety - there was too much history and too much damage for our marriage to function again.

And let's be honest - sober since June is not enough. you need at least two years sober to start thinking of it as a change that will stick.

Actually that's very helpful. 2 years sober is a solid thing to aim for. I can't imagine it.

He's meeting up with a friend he hasn't seen in years soon and my first thought was "I wonder if he will drink" followed very closely by "I hope he drinks so I can kick him out". Which tells me very clearly how I'm thinking. But he has told his friend that he isn't drinking which is something.

I think the years and years of drinking have eroded everything so much that maybe we can't come back from it.

He agreed to counselling ("You mentioned counselling, please can we try that?"). I thought I would wait a bit and see if he did anything about it. He has done nothing about it.

I know this doesn’t help, but it’s reassuring to hear someone else has similar “thinking” patterns.

He came back with 0% gin last night, for a nightcap. This is how it starts. I can’t understand his logic at all. But then addiction isn’t driven by logic is it?
I guess I’m tracking via this thread. Learning as I go.

It’s bonkers, yesterday felt normal. We functioned as a family. Today I had to leave the house just to hear myself think. Again I’m back to: am I making it all up?
iI’s so hard being underfoot.

DH drinks 0% lager and beer. I wish he wouldn't even do that. He has most of the way through this period. It's the longest he has been sober since he first drank as a teenager. Never done more than about 5 days before but never actually tried.

I know . I wouid be rolling in it !

Proves that even if they stop drinking you don’t always get a happy ending @Thefellowship

what do you want ?

sounds like you have had enough and want to end and if he drinks you get your release and can say bye without feeling guilty

even if he stop drinking you can still say that’s it - I want us to split - it’s too little too late

how do you know he’s sober - do you breathalyse him ?

as many in recovery say to me they won’t touch 0% fake booze - they don’t went to taste the drink that ruined their lives

so stick to soft drinks

ex would drink 0% beer beck blue etc to hide the real smell of beer

June is great so well done to him. If he is 100% sober - but it’s a few months. Needs to be at least a year. Ideally 2 as @pointythings said

@QuaintGoldFinch so dh is sober a month but drinks 0% - again how do you know he’s sober

That is really hard @Thefellowship. I can understand why you feel conflicted and resentful even though, on paper, 4-5 months sober without really even seeming to have to try hard is impressive.

My experience was that the addiction broke something in me. I didn’t trust him anymore, I didn’t like him anymore and I wasn’t able to really forgive anymore. Mine was never sober enough long enough to begin to repair or rebuild. Getting sober always involved rehab, outpatient treatment or scary withdrawals as he was so physically dependent, and then sobriety always so short lived. It was in some ways easier to leave him to be honest. It was never going to change and it was therefore easier to break the fear, guilt and obligation that comes with walking away from an addict.

A year ago, I thought I might still go back if he managed sobriety for a minimum of a year. Now I definitely wouldn’t because honestly I just can’t forgive him the period of active addiction, I don’t like him, I don’t feel I know him. That is a shitty way to live.

You don’t need him to relapse to end a relationship. It can be enough that what he broke cannot be fixed. It’s your life too.