Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

I woke up to a message of - I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. Be better off dead

seems only sent it to me. Not his daughter or odd friend who does keep in touch

he’s alive. Doesn’t want to see daughter when we invited him up so have left him to sulk /mope. He’s not going to ruin our Saturday

I woke up to a message of - I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. Be better off dead

Sadly I think this is, all too often, true.

And if he dies please know deep in your heart that absolutely none of it was your fault. Or even his really.

Ah, @Penguinsandspaniels I’m sorry to read that. Easy to be brave but it’s awful.

It’s my birthday today. DH hasn’t bought me anything, even a card. Fortunately I’ve had two lovely friends take me out to two separate lunches this week and DM has bought me
presents. I’m not that bothered about my birthday, but it just underlines where we’re at. He was paid yesterday and managed to buy beer but nothing for me. I suspect he bought something stronger too because he was noticeably drunk last night for the first time ever (hasn’t had anything other than home brew for three weeks). He promised the children last night he’d come out for my birthday today (he never comes out with us) and had completely forgotten this morning. I’d be happier if he stayed at home but the children are delighted which is all that matters.

Hugs to everyone who needs it this morning. Haven’t read the posts since I was last on, will catch up later with everyone’s developments.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY @LavenderFieldds! Hope you have a day that brings you smiles and feel special (however you can achieve that- do your best because you deserve it!) xxxx
I am sorry that he has deliberately chosen not to give you even a gesture for your birthday, I know we are all used to being way down the list of their priorities but on your birthday it stings more and that’s shit!
Hope you get chance to check in again later on as I’m sure you’ll have more heartfelt good wishes from the gang’
Thanks for the hug too, I do need it and appreciate it very much 💐

@Nogoodusername I am so sorry you’re back in the thick of it again but even sorrier that you’re beating yourself up about it, please don’t!
No one here hasn’t stayed when they ‘should’ve’ left or gone back when they ‘should’ve’ stayed away so we can all empathise hugely with the maelstrom of emotions you have right now. You have absolutely nothing to reproach yourself for but I’m livid on your behalf for the pressure other people have put on you…. Once again, you are NOT responsible for saving him you must try and handle the current situation in the best way for you. It does sound like he’s descending into a very serious situation and abusing his body to its limits so you may have to face a health crisis with him soon…. Hold on, you will come out the other side and that happy future is still in front of you xx

Happy birthday @LavenderFieldds!! I know what you mean: I’m not a birthday person either but Ex didn’t bother for mine the final birthday we were together and I felt it was just symptomatic of the extractive nature of our relationship - it was the Ex show, all about his woe, his trauma, his life, and no space even for a bloody birthday present for someone who had stuck through it with him a lot.

sorry to hear that your Ex is back with his suicide messages @Penguinsandspaniels. Though I recall that he is also a fan of posting that he has died too? I know you have become really resilient to it but it is total
shit that you and your DD have this ongoing ‘background music’ of it.

Thank you so much for the sympathy and pep talk, very much appreciated.

I just wonder how long this can continue to go on for? After we broke up, he was in one of his terrible spirals and ultimately ended up assessed for detention under the mental health act. It just seems an endless cycle of ‘a little bit more stable and working towards sobriety’ and then bam ‘utterly crazed, detached from normal functioning, extreme alcohol and drug abuse, crisis and intervention’ and rinse and repeat and repeat and repeat.

I know his friends were probably at their wits end to get in contact with me as they know I have seen or spoken to him in 6 months, but pass the buck they did and now I have to detach again and recover from having the old feelings dredged back up of misplaced guilt, loyalty, fear, wanting to save. I could have said no, of course, but I do feel like they have placed me back in Ex’s sights (the detach now will come with consequences for me of his rage and resentment - period of email abuse I imagine) but also set my healing back because I have had the shock and sadness at just how destroyed someone I once loved is. I didn’t want to see addiction again basically. I know I am so lucky that we don’t share children so I can just shut him out of my life in a way that isn’t open to so many of you. Woman up time!

Happy Birthday @LavenderFieldds. Sorry dh was thoughtless

take the kids to a shop and let them choose something. Thats what dd loves doing for me for Xmas and bday

@Nogoodusername no that’s not my dh

tho he puts on fb same text that I get - that he can’t take it anymore. Rather be dead etx

the first time he put that he got some replies of talk to us etx

The. 2/3/4/5 etx time he got no replies and was woe is me

Happy birthday, @LavenderFieldds ! It's shitty that your H has done absolutely nothing, but make sure you grab some fun for yourself.

@LavenderFieldds A very happy birthday to you!

@Nogoodusername So sorry you got dragged back in! It's hard to keep to our resolve and easy to revert to the default response of "I must help". I was just there too and am now having to detach emotionally (again). You'll get there, we both will.

@Penguinsandspaniels Suicide threats are one thing that DH seems to not have in his emotional blackmail arsenal. Not that he hasn't made vague statements, but they always end with "I'm not going to do anything, I'm too big a coward" because he knows that I would have no problem calling 911 and he'd end up back the the locked facility. I think using a threat or 'ideation' of suicide is about the most manipulative thing someone can do. And all we can do is either ignore them or call their bluff.

As far as my own situation, DH is back drinking as of Thursday. So he only lasted around 72 hours after release from the care facility. About the only 'good' thing is that he's not calling me multiple times a day. He called me Friday and finally admitted to drinking on Thursday, promised he would get back on the wagon, then promptly headed for the minimart about an hour later. Not a dicky bird since. Driving, of course, on a suspended license. If he gets caught his truck will be impounded. If that happens, I will try to get it out of impounds and a friend will let me park it on their property, out of sight. And DH can go whistle Dixie because he's not getting it back.

Still waiting on my final judgement so I can begin dealing with what joint assets remain and then do a living trust for myself. As far as the house, I foresee that ending up back in court to force the sale.

And so, happy Saturday everyone! I will make today a good day!

Thank you for my birthday wishes everyone. I’ve actually had a nice day. I went shopping on my own this morning (luxury!) and bought a few things I didn’t strictly need, then took the children to soft play. When I got back DH had bought a card, gift and cake. I’m now sitting with a glass of wine while he cooks dinner. So could be worse! He did something.

@Nogoodusername @Penguinsandspaniels that thing about posting that he’s dead made me laugh more than it should have done!

@LavenderFieldds I'm glad you had a good day and that your husband made an effort. You deserve it.

Glad you had a nice birthday in the end @LavenderFieldds

its not my dh who says he is dead. That’s someone else’s dh. Mine says he would be better off dead and what’s the point of living etc

@AcrossthePond55 can you call the police when he goes to the shop and bank pings and tell them to wait at the hour for him to return as catch h
drink driving that way

He’s called me drunk and crying and said about being sick and poo and coughing blood. So I told eldest dd and she has Called an ambulance and gone there

he said wasn’t drinking. Obv he had been. She said blood will tell. Then said had a bottle of V

going in he will be on the best place - sure he will be annoyed with me but I can’t keep dealing with this and hospitals will be better for him and least sober while there

Hello everyone. @LavenderFielddsglad you had a little bit of respite on my last birthday my DH booked a hideously expensive non refundable holiday to somewhere I’ve got zero interest in going to. So no real effort involved at all but a fake attempt at acting like he could be arsed.
penguins I hope they keep him in and maybe detox him at least you daughter could maybe see him sober . ( if you think that’s a good idea? )
he sounds very unwell.
sorry @AcrossthePond55you must worry that he’ll hurt someone would the police intervene?
anyhow hope all of you fabulous women at least got some sunshine today and hope for a peaceful Sunday. Weekend expectations are so low now really xxx

Really sorry to hear this. Hospital is the best place for him to be. Hopefully they keep him in for a bit.

Sorry, I think I have misunderstood the time you were telling us about how his eldest DD had texted you saying ‘have you heard Dad is dead again’.

My ex is also a fan of the ‘I’m better off dead’ texts but also texts with his planned methods

Problem is he's covered the Ring camera so I can't see him leave. The local shop is not 5 minutes away and by the time the bank pings, he'd already be home.

I have a feeling he's covered the camera specifically to prevent me from turning him in. But I have a feeling that karma/fate will catch up with him at some point. I just feel very lucky that the road to the store is a rarely used 'back road' country street. It's not travelled very often and it's rutted so you have to drive slow so his chances of hitting anyone are very low.

Golly, that sounds awful.

@wouldratgerbeunknown The way the law is written here a person must be caught actually driving to get a DUI. Supposedly you can be cited if you're passed out behind the wheel of a parked car but there has to be other evidence, like a warm engine, keys in the ignition or such.

BUT, after he is convicted one of the conditions of probation is a strict 'no alcohol, EVER' rule. He is also not allowed to possess any alcohol whatsoever AND he must submit to testing even if he doesn't appear drunk. So at that point if he continues to drive and I see the 'ping' from the bank I can call the sheriff's office and report that I believe he is drunk and in possession of alcohol in violation of parole.

@Penguinsandspaniels

I'm not questioning your decision but I am curious. Is there a reason why eldest DD got involved? When DH has called me in that condition I just called 911 myself and they showed up.

Now here if you call 911 you get a response within 3-15 minutes. I've read on MN about horrendous waits for ambulances in the UK. Was that why she felt she needed to go over?

That’s not me. Thats another poster who had adult dc . I rem reading that. He posts saying he is dead or emails people

Ah. In UK we get drunk in charge /or in procession if in the car with keys.

Even if in passenger seat /not driving

that’s what dh got charged with - they couldn’t prove he had been driving but had keys on him and in van so …….

that was apparently a wake up call going to court and 9p and fine

2w later drinking again

Coz he’s my ex and he’s her dad so wanted to give her the choice of what to do

also he would lie to them /did that last time - so someone needs to be there

and yes a huge wait. Took think 5hrs to come

Sorry!! I can only blame the perimenopause for the brain fog xx