Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

I really hope you get that piece of respite.
I've honestly had such a good two weeks seen friends without dreading coming home.
House is clean and tidy, the bedroom doesn't stink . I've eaten well and as for the sleep!! 12 hours a night easily it's been wonderful.
But now I have to start actioning some of the things I've been advised to do on here.
I'm a bit scared about taking money from the joint account as that would alert him to how I'm thinking.
I've gone through the tons of documents so now know pension providers but not the amounts as they seem to all now be accessed online so that's a bit difficult but at least I know who they are with account numbers etc.
I haven't seen a solicitor but maybe I'll book that in as well . That 28 days seemed like such a long time when it started but now it's rocketing by !

I’m only 6 months single so not missing ‘it’ yet!! At current headspace, the idea of anyone but my children needing my time and emotional energy again horrifies me. Ex has totally burnt out all my reserves. The peace of not having an alcoholic consume my life anymore is amazing and I definitely don’t trust my judgement any more. Maybe a few more months I will feel differently

2yrs in plus maybe 4/6mths of nothing previously while married so yes I want a shag

or to be made love too

I hope you can get that . Third time lucky !
I definitely will never get married again no matter what the future holds.

Oh I def won’t ever get married again

so much hassle in divorcing and cost

Totally. Even if I should decide down the line that I'd like someone in my life, no man will plant his boots under my bed. I will never marry nor even cohabit ever again. Maybe subconsciously that's a reason why I don't want to divorce DH. I don't have to worry about it because I am/will be still married. Oh, who knows what's going on in my head these days. I only know I'm enjoying my little life on my own.

I just know that I will always want a door I can shut with whoever it is on the outside and my finances to be mine and go to my children 'in the fullness of time' with no arguing and no 'making provisions'.

Sigh. As I predicted and told the hospital staff, here we go again.

He's on another 5150 hold and the psych team is once again looking for a psych facility for him. I understand now why they couldn't find a place for him as he was 'medically acute' but I won't bore with the details, suffice it to say that it was probably a reasonable decision on the part of the facilities. The main problem appears to be that the 'medically acute' fades away as the alcohol leaves his system and his ability to 'give all the right answers' improves and thus he ends up going home.

I've told the hospital that I will continue to answer any questions they have. And I've told the family and his BFF that I won't be calling the hospital for 'status' and then giving them updates as I did before, because that just gives us all hope. I'll let them know if there is a 'medical crisis' or if/when he is transferred or discharged.

Oh no that sounds terrible. The stress you must be under is awful.
I hope that you can do something nice for yourself at least?

Oh no @AcrossthePond55

@wouldratgerbeunknown @Penguinsandspaniels

Thanks for your commiseration. It's horrible to think about, but it's almost becoming a commonplace. You just calmly think "Again?" and sigh. I wasn't upset or angry, my only thought was "Why do I always get these calls at 2 in the morning?". I answered the very nice doctor's questions (that I've answered every time this happens) and he told me the same things they always say. I just said "Fine, let me know". No point in getting upset or angry, they're just doing their jobs. As Gran used to say "What cannot be cured must be endured". And I know that this will end at some point, one way or another.

I rented Wicked for Good and bought myself some treats. I'm 'sitting' my 'granddog' so I watched it cuddled up to two small, warm doggies. It's amazing what comfort a dog (or two) can be. Right now I'm watching the coverage of the horrible ICE shooting in Minneapolis and thinking of the families of the two citizens that have been murdered. And I think 'there but for the grace of God, go I'.

Sorry that it’s happened again so soon @AcrossthePond55. Dogs are indeed the best therapy. Lovely snuggles with mine has been very healing for me

Yes dogs are fab. I don’t have any but friends /family do and they are wonderful hot water bottles

hope you enjoyed wicked

I'm a cat person, not a dog person, but the snuggle with warm living thing that loves you unconditionally is the same. It makes a massive difference.

Reporting in that I am a bloody idiot. Ex emailed a couple of weeks ago asking to meet up, all positive about being clean and how well he is getting on. I ignored as I don’t reply to his emails. I discussed the guilt at ignoring a nice email here. Cracked and replied today, ignoring the meet up request just a general ‘well done on the weeks clean, keep it up, glad you are seeing your siblings more’ positive kind of thing. Idiot. Clearly we are in a different mood in Ex 10 days later and I got a scathing reply about how everyone (me) takes advantage of him, how people these days don’t value love and kindness (deluded world where he was kind or loving to me in recent history), I’m so ill and sorry for myself etc.

why don’t I learn. Now I’m so mad with myself and have also put myself back in his sights for more emails. Argh.

You're not a bloody idiot. You're a good person who still has love and hope. Those things are hard to let go. Consider this a relapse on your part - they are part of your recovery journey. Deep breath, soothing hot drink, some stupid telly, start fresh tomorrow.

@Nogoodusername You're not an idiot! Honestly, we've all been there. Don't stress about it. Just chill and going forward, press delete.

You aren’t an idiot @Nogoodusername. You replied as nice an wanted to be supportive

can you block his email

Thanks everyone. Looking at it as a relapse on my recovery journey is really good framing. I am doing so much better this time - I’ve only replied to one email in 6 weeks and have learnt my lesson that it never ends well. I haven’t seen him in 4 months. Last time I cracked after 2 months and supported him ‘as a friend’ through a detox. I can do it.

Blocking is weird on gmail - it doesn’t stop them coming through, just they go to my trash and then I see them there. My goal for Feb will be to delete without reading.

I’ve had a nice cuppa and my weight in chocolate. Onwards and upwards!

Well done ( especially re the chocolate!)
Xxx

Ah dear, sending Ex that email at the wrong time has really put me back on the radar. I have novels overnight.

There is one where he is the most insightful and kind and loving person in the whole world and I am as evil as his ex wife and I walked away from a wonderful and loving relationship. I really do hate the false narrative emails. Our relationship was a car crash for it’s last two years because he and his addiction put me through hell for two years! I can never understand how he can just have such a deluded version of reality. Advocate me wants to defend myself and tell my truth. But I know that is futile from bitter experience - it didn’t work when we were together and it certainly doesn’t work now. I will always be the villain in Ex’s story and he will always be the hero and all defending myself does is cause my stress.

There was also the one that basically says blocking him on phone and text is evil because he might be calling me at the point of killing himself and speaking to me could save him, but he can’t because I blocked him and so he does kill himself (more graphic version of how in the actual email). Nice. Apparently society shouldn’t just shut people out because they are irritating. Irritating?! I wish he was just irritating. He is blocked on phone and text because I don’t owe him an outlet for abuse. Because that is what he has and does use it for, because he cannot maintain any emotional regulation for longer than a week. He doesn’t need to be able to call me at the point of suicide. There are many other friends or family members who don’t have him blocked. There are helplines and emergency services. It’s so unfair

Oh @Nogoodusername. That’s shit of him

controlling behaves ans gaslighting

ignore ignore

you can’t reason with an alcoholic esp when drinking

OP please don't fall back into the trap of emotional manipulation here, all you did was follow the (well learned by all of us here) 'if he's nice to me I have to reciprocate' routine, don't beat yourself up!
I'm trying to follow my own advice here (funny how it's always clearer in others' posts than in my own head!)...I filed the divorce application on Jan 22nd but, as per my other posts, I'm stuck living with him until September for any of the actual money to be available to me so I can move out.
So I am also stuck with the same old routine; he behaves badly but it's all my fault for divorcing him or he behaves 'well' and I'm a bitch if I don't allow the hugs he needs or I don't feed his (massive) ego by being grateful he's such a lovely bloke to me despite my many many failings and faults.
But if I am nice/give hugs....I'm an evil cunt for giving him false hope and behaving like I still care when I clearly don't because I'm not stopping the divorce.
All of my relationship with him has been exactly like this, day in and day out so why it still is shouldn't be a surprise.
OP, we both have to try and re-programme our thinking so we're not always focused on their needs, they don't deserve that and we need to focus on ourselves.
Sending you my best wishes and if you discover how to resist reacting to him , PLEASE let me know so I can use it! xx

I’m not sure I will ever be able to advise on how to stop reacting to him (although I WISH that j do figure it out!!) but thank you so much for making me feel like it is normal and part of the process.

There is no winning with an addict, we have to get to a place where we are as free of them as possible. And give ourselves grace when we slip and react! This one has been a good reminder for me - it escalated fast. Go again, go better I tell myself xx

I just want to give a very un-mumsnetty hug to all here who for whatever reason are having to or choosing to stay living with 'their' alcoholic. I wish you strength and determination. And a very very thick skin.

I give thanks to God daily that I was in a position to leave and that DH's frequent absences (those ER visits!) that allowed me to get my belongings, household items, and the furniture I inherited from my parents' out.

I do NOT take my 'luck' for granted, not for one single moment.

ETA; As far as I know DH is still under 5150 @ hospital. I think it should expire early tomorrow morning. I haven't called for status as after the last go round all it does is raise hopes then dash them leaving me frustrated and angry. I'm supposed to be notified if he is transferred to a psych unit and since I haven't heard anything I assume 'no news is NOT good news' and he's still there.