Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

@Nogoodusername I’m going to ‘borrow’ your “go again, go better” if you don’t mind? It’s very succinct and I need that (brain’s too mashed to cope with more complicated mottos!)🙄
I just have to force myself to take one day at a time and keep picturing the tiny light at the end of this torturous tunnel, none of us are alone on this journey shackled to an addict who’s shackled to their addiction but we have each other and we will triumph….. eventually
@AcrossthePond55, I’m sorry your wait goes on and on, I am in awe of your fortitude, strength and perseverance in the face of seemingly never ending drama , you’re a bloody warrior! I’m ‘virtually’ drawing on your inspiring example of how to cope with whatever comes next with dignity and more calm than I fear I will ever have.
I hope you have an update soon x

Hello everyone. Just checking in really.
Have had an amazing 2 weeks of peace. Have two more weeks to go.
So far DH is complying with the therapy and rehabilitation program but obviously I realise this is probably easy whilst he's an inpatient.
I've read about the relapse rates and they are grim plus I've seen all your stories which back those statistics up .
He's now off the booze Librium and sleeping tablets. But so far I can't hear any thing positive about the future. In fact I think he feels that compared to the other addicts he's not too bad!! After all he's just booze not drugs or gambling or all of them.
I've tried to make the house booze free etc in preparation for his return . Total nonsense as there's any amount of places to buy booze within a 5 minute walk.
I've got the session with him and his Therapist this week - dreading it.
I've assessed all the finances as far as I can. And I guess I'm luckier than most as I do have some savings in my own name. Which I could maybe eke out until I get a state pension? I could also look for a job but I'm not sure what sort of job. I let my professional registration lapse as I really didn't see this coming at all. Big mistake, but it's done now.
We have a flat which I've checked out with the letting agent so i could potentially move in there from July. I'd have to give the current tenant notice in May . Only good thing is she was pretty fussy so there's a new kitchen boiler etc so it should be quite livable for a while even though it's a grim area. At least I could shut the door and feel fairly safe.
I could stay with my daughter for a while and stay with a couple of friends for weekends before that so some escape route is in place.
I'll take the car because he shouldn't be driving any way .
If he returns to the level of drinking he was at before this admission I'm not sure how long he'd be able to go on for?
From a health perspective very hard to say as he was falling, not eating etc but people do seem to be able to keep going for quite some time. I'm honestly not wishing him dead think I'm just thinking things through.
Work wise I can't say - his sick pay will only last for about six weeks more then half pay for three months. I don't see how he'll manage work so I imagine they will either sack him or make him redundant?
This house costs a lot to heat and run council tax etc so not sure how that will work out . He hasn't got much savings although one of his unclaimed pensions is a lump sum so I guess he'd just burn through that. He won't get a state pension for three more years . The rental income from the flat was going to help support us but obviously if I'm living there he/we wouldn't have that. In any case with the unpredictably of the future I think we'd be better to sell it in the summer even if I'm not going to live there???
I feel for all of you and despite all your advice I'm still in mourning for the future I thought I'd have.
I'm shocked as well that my main thoughts now are about how I'll manage financially if/ when he returns to drinking. I'm not feeling like I can be kind or supportive because this bit of time away has made me realise how hard the past year has been.
My daughter keeps saying we must support him and remember what he was like before this but I think she's been shielded from the worst of it
Sorry for the outpouring of consciousness. I honestly don't expect replies . Some of your situations are far worse especially where children are involved

How old are your kids @wouldratgerbeunknown?

if dh drinks is that it ?

does he want to now he’s sober

@wouldratgerbeunknown

I'm glad you're making contingency plans for leaving. There is 'peace' in having plans in place. And I'm sorry about his attitude. But that falls under 'things we can't change' in the Serenity Prayer. All you can do is persevere and try to keep your hopes in check.

It also gives me a HUGE reality check because my DH called me around 1 this morning to tell me he'd been transferred to a psychiatric facility. I admit to a surge of hope then. But I don't know any specifics other than that he's there. I'll be calling in about half an hour (it's morning here) to see what they can or cannot tell me.

This is because there was a bit of a contretemps with him last night resulting in him telling the 'acute' hospital staff not to talk to me anymore. The fact that he called me to let me know where he is doesn't necessarily negate that.

But you and I will both just keep trodding our path. Nothing more we can do, is there? Take care of yourself. We will get through this no matter what the result is.

@wouldratgerbeunknown thinking through plans is a good move.

Do you think your daughter would benefit from SMART family and friends?

and I have had years of the ‘not like other addicts/not like other alcoholics’. I have read up a bit on that as it seems very common. I have come to the conclusion that when someone stops saying that - that’s when you know they are starting recovery and are in a position to properly seek support. Until then it feels a bit like going through the motions

Hi everyone. I was on the previous thread but haven’t posted for a while.
Had another difficult incident with my mum last week. It was her birthday and although I was working that day I’d offered to take her out for dinner in the evening. Later found out her friend had also offered to take her out. She didn’t want to and chose to stay at home drinking. When I got home from work I took my kids to see her with cards and presents and she was basically comatose, couldn’t even speak properly. She’d had a friend round (not someone I particularly approve of) and the house was a total mess.
I left the gifts and took the kids home.
She tried calling me later and I didn’t answer. Then I felt guilty for not speaking to her on her birthday.
Like everything else it has been swept under the rug and not mentioned again.
I am so drained with her and her choices. And the guilt I inevitably end up feeling even though logically I know I haven’t done anything wrong.
She always has an excuse - she’s depressed, she’s alone, she’s not coping. But this has been going on for years and she isn’t willing to change or get any help. Life is hard but she uses any excuse she can find to drink.

I think I'm just trying not to think all will be ok when he's released from the hospital. Although I did seriously doubt he'd stay there so as of now he's being very amenable to the admission.
Penguins my children are both adults who do not live with us which is why I think it's so much worse fir those people with children or indeed whose children are the addicts
Pond
Maybe the psychiatric admission could be a turning point? I really do hope so .

@wouldratgerbeunknown

I hope so too. BUT what I was told was a 14 day involuntary admission for diagnosis and treatment has turned out to be just another 72 hour hold. So...back to square one. He will have a(nother) psych evaluation and then 'they' will see. Sigh.

jessiefletch

Yes, you get bored to sobs of all the excuses they throw out. Tedious beyond belief.

You did exactly the right thing in leaving her gifts and coming away. She will of course not mention it and will be hoping you don't either so she can kid herself it never happened.

The friend that was with her is probably drinking along with your Mum? There's nothing you can do except keep your children, and yourself, away from her when she's drunk.

Keep in touch on here, your among friends.

@wouldratgerbeunknown good news that the admission is going so well but it is early days and you are right to be considering alternative plans, even if none of those is the ideal scenario. His attitude reminds me of my DH telling me he wasn't going back to AA because the other guys there were in a much worse state than him. He felt so bloody superior, totally disregarding all the times he'd passed out on the floor, gone awol, or vomited over himself.

I've got the therapy meeting tomorrow so I'll see how that goes.
They are going to apply for funding for him to keep going back for extra sessions as a day patient.
This concerns me because of the drink driving possibility it's quite a way from us but if I even suspect it I will call the police.
I'm
Definitely not going to offer to start taking him all that has to stop

@CharlotteByrde there are always many worse then theirselves

like they think we are protesting too much

that they don’t have an issue coz abc does this and I don’t do that

So has to make own way there ?

@wouldratgerbeunknown

Definitely not going to offer to start taking him all that has to stop

I agree with this 100%. I was told to stop doing ANYTHING because doing for him didn't make him put forth the effort to keep sober. And they really, really need to put forth effort themselves. That effort is part of them feeling that keeping sober is worthwhile.

This concerns me because of the drink driving possibility it's quite a way from us but if I even suspect it I will call the police.

I agree with this, too. DH has a DUI that's making its way through the system. Since I'm not living there I wasn't aware until he called me to throw his bail (I refused). The thought that he could have killed someone makes me feel ill.

Where I am if someone is DUI'd their vehicle is impounded. DH has gotten a DUI and his license is suspended so he shouldn't be driving, drunk or sober. He had previously put an Air Tag in the vehicle he has so if this happens (again) I will be able to go get the vehicle myself, remove the Tag and park it 'elsewhere'. As a joint owner I can do this legally but I will of course run it by my lawyer first. It all happened so quickly this first time that I didn't have time to think of it.

Well I'm back from the therapy session.
I definitely felt that a lot of expectations were put on me.
So a "dry" house. Fine but locking booze away made no difference because there's any amount of places to buy Gin within a short stumble up the road.
No socialising where there is potential alcohol.
I mentioned that he could drive himself to AA meeting or the day sessions if they are agreed on . And that was a no no because he might find driving triggering and public transport is also triggering.
Only plus for me is I'd get the day to myself in between drop offs and pickups!

It's like he's on a wellness retreat and said he's "enjoying " all the sessions.
He said he'd like to stay there.
I think it's so removed from his day to day life that it's honestly like he's at a spa holiday.

I just feel so furious we should be having a good life we've both worked really hard I was a nurse with all the shift work etc that requires and now more looking after someone is on the horizon.
I think this respite has just illustrated how dreadful things have been and I can't stop crying. I'm so pathetic I know it's been awful for all of you as well and I'm so grateful to be be able to vent to you all .Sorry!!!

@wouldratgerbeunknown I am really not impressed at them putting the onus on you to get him to his meetings. That is a responsibility he should be taking himself. What if you were someone who didn't drive? I mean, I took my late H to the handful of AA meetings he did attend, but that is because we live in a silly little town where what little public transport there is stops after 6 pm and where there was only one meeting a week.

That’s one of the problems that Ex had with rehab. Apart from the one he rage quit because it wasn’t a fancy one, they were like lovely wellness retreats and he enjoyed being molly coddled with great food, no pressure, mindfulness activities, lots of sympathy and understanding etc. I’m not saying that the group work and individual work wasn’t hard, it was, but it was a protected bubble and when he got out he found the transition really hard. He was expected to be an adult and a parent again and, at the heart of things, Ex likes being special and everyone putting him first and feeling sorry for him so life outside of rehab was always a rude awakening.

if the session has made you feel in any way that you are responsible for ensuring he continues to recover/ doesn’t relapse, put that out of your mind right now! (Bossy voice). It is on him to take accountability and put into place his recovery plan, not you. Dry house? Fine. The occasional lift? Ok (but I really don’t see why you have to drive him tbh, I certainly left Ex to get to his own meetings - he was sober and he could walk!) But apart from that, staying away from triggers and ‘alert zones’ are on him, not for you to constantly be on top of. Believe me, been there, got that t shirt where I believed that I had to remove all stress from Ex’s life so he wouldn’t encounter any triggers. Fruitless and also allows him to evade personal responsibility

I've never heard such a load of codswallop in my life. It goes against every counselor and alcohol abuse expert I've spoken to!

I guess I can see the point of a 'dry' house, but FGS if he wants to get alcohol he'll get it. Hell, where I am you can even get it delivered to your doorstep within 30 mins of ordering!

No socializing where there is alcohol? OK, I see that at first. But never ever again? That means no weddings, no funerals, practically no dining out or dinner parties with friends. That's not realistic long term. I always ask my brother if he's 'ok' with our having wine with dinner and if he's feeling particularly tempted he'll say 'better if not' and I'll not have it. But 99% of the time, he's fine with it.

As far as getting himself to AA being 'triggering', at what point will he be expected to fucking grow a pair and deal with these 'triggers'? Getting oneself from A to B is a normal part of life and the point of sobriety is to be able to live a normal life (without drinking). You are not his nanny to be wheeling him about in his pram car. I told DH to take an uber.

I still say if he's 'enjoying' all the sessions then he's getting no pushback on his drinking. I mean he's not being held responsible for his actions nor being told that his sobriety is his responsibility, not yours or his wider family/friends. And that he must put in hard graft for the rest of his life to maintain it.

"....and now more looking after someone is on the horizon".

Only if you choose to do so. I chose not to. Look at it like this: he's made the shitty decision to be a drunk and that's his choice to make. But you also have the absolute right to make the best decision for yourself. If that's leaving, so be it. If it's staying and living your best life without regards to him, so be that, too. If you decide to stay and become his caretaker that's also your right and I won't criticize you for it. Just be sure to choose what's right for YOU and remember that you can change that decision at any time.

And you are NOT pathetic!! You have just been smacked in the face with a brick. You've been told the exact opposite of what you were expecting to be told. Boy, do I know that feeling lately!!! Just remember that you don't have to make any decisions today (unless you want to). Let the dust settle, speak to experts on your own. Then digest and decide. And remember you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

Yes I said I tried all the supportive stuff which got me nowhere.
I said I wasn't prepared to do any of that stuff anymore
The therapist said I sense anger here!!! Anger is an understatement.
Well I'm still hoping he makes the most of this.
It's a once in a lifetime part of his insurance so he will not get this chance again.
Neither will I !!

Thankyou all
I'm goi g to have a night off it!
A lovely bath and some mindless television!!
Make the most of my last 11 nights

Good evening everyone. I haven’t posted for a little while. Forgive me for not reading all the posts, I did read @wouldratgerbeunknown post therapy session!

I have been (as recommended on here I think) attending Zoom meetings Smart F&F. They are great. Way better than Famanon (though everyone was lovely). The Smart group are saying and keep reiterating that recovery is their responsibility completely @wouldratgerbeunknownso I was gobsmacked reading your recent post. When you think logically (obviously the addicts are not) if they are going to be wrapped in cotton wool how will they ever learn the hard work that is needed for recovery to work? I’m certainly learning a lot from this meeting I attend. It’s making me see just how enabling I am being. Like you (and others I’m sure) all I’ve ever done was work hard and given to my DC. I am hugely resentful apart from
every other negative emotion you can think of. Nobody is pathetic. We shouldn’t even be in this position. I hope you feel better @wouldratgerbeunknown

It’s not up to you to get him there @wouldratgerbeunknown

you are enabling him As
hes got to learn to do it hi self

any friend or family who will take him ?

I got rid of any booze. My nice bottle of bubbly and gin

he went to the shop and brought vodka
I was pissed off I lost my nice stuff

what a clever therapist. Not
we all feel anger and I def feel resentment that he couldn’t stop and has destroyed our family and he carried on drinking an not giving a shit while I work non stop to pay for everything

@wouldratgerbeunknown

The therapist said I sense anger here!!!

Hey, therapist, read my lips: "No shit, Sherlock! 🙄 Where did you get your diploma, the Clown School of Psychology?"

I put that statement right with the one where a SW asked me "couldn't I go clean up the house before he comes home?". No sweetie, I can't. It's a biohazard full of drinks cans and food. And worse. It will take a professional crew and I sure as hell ain't paying for it!

Damn right you're angry, who wouldn't be? He's shot your future to shit and now you're being told to ignore your feelings and your lived experience and 'take care of him'. Fuck that and the horse it rode in on!

Sometimes I think this shit gets said to get the person off their hands and they can put a big "problem solved" stamp on their file. If you're breaking your heart and your health 'caretaking' he won't land on their doorstep any more.

You have your lovely bath and mindless shows. You deserve them.

✊🏼 Solidarity, sister!

For. Fuck's. Sake.

Of course the therapist senses anger. You are entitled to be angry! Your anger is a valid response to his addict behaviour!

They're absolutely mollycoddling him. It's not good.

I’m reading these posts about therapy and my blood is BOILING!! I am disgusted with all of your (and my own with STXH) experiences…. It’s the same old bollocks; the addict deserves compassion, never ending support and empathy, they need it sure but when they have allowed their addiction and the resulting behaviours hurt their partner/parent/child over and over again, NO - they do NOT deserve it!!
our therapist actually asked me if I remembered my marriage vows- better or worse? Friends told me over and over again how much he adores me, can’t survive without me….. they can all get to fuck!
It appears it is never our turn, never our right to want peace from the torment of someone else’s addiction…. Well I say our turn is when we want it to be and if others won’t support us to find a better life for ourselves then we’ll do it together and for each other!

oh dear, I got a little bit carried away there, sorry- rant over!