Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

I'm sure that's a HUGE relief.

I said I’ll support him if he sobers up permanently first.

Permanent sobriety is an 'issue' with DH and I because no addict can really promise forever and that's what 'permanent' means. It all boils down to Bill Clinton's assertion of "it depends on what your definition of 'is' is". For the alcoholic 'forever' means they are sober today and don't plan to drink tomorrow but that's as far as it goes. But for us it truly means forever and how do you decide what period of time 'forever' is?

The term I have used with DH is 'when you are reliably sober'. And to me that means many months, even a year of continued sobriety before I could even contemplate changing things. Even so, I honestly don't believe I could ever fully trust him again. The most I'm able to contemplate in my mind is 'together apart' so I have my own place and my own finances but we share our lives. I haven't mentioned this to him, it's another 'tomorrow problem' because I doubt very much that he'll ever achieve reliable sobriety.

All is quiet here. Hope that mean all is good for everyone

Happy birthday to me…. 1:30am STBXH ‘accidentally’ fell onto my beautiful antique art deco cocktail cabinet, drunk, because he’s upset that this is the last birthday he’ll spend with me🤷‍♀️🙄 This cabinet is the only piece of furniture I have ever bought just because I loved it, cost me all of my savings 10 years ago but has given me joy every day since and now it’s ruined; even if it was repaired, for me it’s spoiled 😢 and just when I thought I was immune to being hurt by him.
I’ve had a cry, told him ‘no thank you’ to the card and gift he bought me and then counted my blessings reading all the cards and messages from the amazing people in my life who love me. He has taken me to so many moments of desolation and despair throughout our relationship, this was the last one. There’s nothing more he can do to me, I will be free of him at some point this year when the divorce is finalised and the house is sold, I am hanging on to that. I know that you will all understand why I’ve found this incident so distressing; this careless destruction of something that was just mine and so special to me and on my birthday too…. I have stopped asking why he does what he does to me… the answer is simply because he wants to, it’s not my fault , it never was and I deserve to be happy, without him.
sorry for the too long post, just needed to tell someone x

@zeroclucksgiven I am so sorry, what an utterly shitty thing for him to do.

But you will get your divorce. You will be rid of him. As regards the cabinet, don't make any hasty decisions. If you get rid of it, he wins. If you get it restored (and I would wait until after he has gone), it's a fat 'fuck you' to him.

@pointythings thank you 🙏 x I’ve told him he has to reimburse me the cost of it, I will use that money to pay for my divorce lawyer and then I will save up to either repair or replace it myself…. I refuse to let him pay for the repair and tell himself he’s ‘fixed’ what he did 😡 he’s storming around now fuming that I said “no thank you “ to his birthday card and gift… the man is delusional….

Oh @zeroclucksgiven. Looks a beautiful piece - don’t let dh ruin your love of it

looks like it can be repaired

I would let him pay for the repair - why should your hard earned money pay for it

@zeroclucksgiven

Oh, I'm so sorry! The destruction of things we love is part and parcel of being with an alcoholic, whether 'accidental' or intentional. Mine was intentional. I had glassware (mostly vases) that were my mother's and grandmother's. After I left he took most of them out to the front yard and filmed himself shooting them to bits with a rifle and then sent me the video. But whether it's a drunken 'accident' or a deliberate act to hurt us the result is still the same. Destruction of something we love and a lack of true remorse.

I was lucky to be able later to retrieve some of what was left (and hid the rest for later retrieval) and I think your beautiful cabinet is very much worth repairing. You may feel it's 'tainted' now but once the divorce is final you'll begin to see it as evidence of your 'triumph' and your freedom.

@zeroclucksgiven I am so sorry. They really know how to make us feel shit. Of course nothing happens accidentally. I hope you managed to get some joy today. 🪴

Thank you ladies, your kind words and wisdom are just what I need today x I’ve been for a long walk around the park, seeing the trees in bud, the daffodils and bluebells in bloom and listening to the birds singing…. Wonderful! Spring is here and new life begins 🥰

Ugh, that’s truly awful!
mine deliberately dropped a 40 year old highland stoneware bowl into the sink and said he’d smash another one every time I annoyed him.
later of course he insisted on driving the 5 hour round trip to go and have a new one made for me, and was horrified when he learned how old it was and that the person making them is about to retire. It’s still not been made but I know I’ll get it one day when they get to it, and the whole thing will have cost him 10hrs drive, a lot of fuel and about £40 for the bowl. No way was I letting him off with it!
he’s also ripped up every card and letter I wrote him and smashed all the pictures of us.
I'm angry the whole time about this stuff and glad he’s never going to live with me….

@Hellodarknes55o keep thinking of you and wondering whether your son is in the rehabilitation provision? I hope so and that you are getting some respite at least.

so sorry to see the pictures of the broken cabinet. Hopefully you can it restored but maybe leave a little damage to remind yourself of what you’ve escaped from? Like those Japanese ceramics they repair with gold to highlight how something has been fixed?

@wouldratgerbeunknown thanks for asking. I dropped him off on Thursday. He messaged that night to say he was ok but nothing since.
My house is quiet, becoming cleaner and I didn’t wake repeatedly last night for the first night in months and months. I don’t want him to come back here but he will have to in the beginning I think.
His last two days before going were very hard. He was a complete nightmare. Think he felt like he should be having a last party and was horrible.
Its a relief that he isn’t here.

@Hellodarknes55 I’m so glad he went in and he’s now on day 4 which is a relief that he’s stayed there so far . I can empathise re the final days - my husband was told on Friday that he’d be admitted on Monday and that weekend was terrible.
is it worth getting some advice from shelter or some other housing charity re accommodation for him?
I know that time while my husband was in the rehab was like the best holiday I’ve ever had. And I did so much clearing out ,cleaning, and sorting through documents it made me realise how paralysed I’d been . Everything revolved around his drinking and crazy behaviour.
i really do hope things go well for him and you !

@Hellodarknes55 I was just also thinking is it an NHS rehab? They may have a social worker as part of the rehab team who could maybe advise on housing?

I need to vent and get my feelings down. this is going to be long

Yesterday DH and I had a text 'battle' lasting 45 mins about something he agreed to pay for and then said I had to pay for it/pay half. It was for a service HE requested for the house and agreed to pay for because I said it wasn't needed. He refused to transfer the money.

The texts consisted of the same 5 conversation points over and over and over. I just stuck to my guns that if he didn't transfer the money the bill simply wouldn't get paid and I'd tell the tradesman why and then he'd have to deal with the tradesman. After a final refusal on his part I texted "Then I guess XX won't get paid" from me I stopped responding.

About 5 minutes of he then left a meek sounding voicemail asking about his bank balance and saying he would pay. I called, the transfer was completed and he acted like the argument had never happened.

I realized later that in 'the before times' if this had happened I would have argued for a bit but then meekly complied with many apologies in order to avoid his temper. For him it was all about control, not really about who paid for what. it was about me doing what he said. But this time I didn't and he didn't know what to do other than continue the argument waiting for me to capitulate. Which I didn't. So he decided to act like nothing had happened so he didn't have to apologize or 'lose face'.

So last night I woke up in the middle of a terrible nightmare about being back living with him and him doing that controlling behaviour. I woke up feeling those feelings of fear and surrender along with the simultaneous anger at 'having' to give in. I couldn't go back to sleep and have been up since 2 am struggling off and on with the resurrection of those emotions.

I'll be ok and I feel better after just getting it written down.

@Hellodarknes55

I'm glad DS went to the rehab. Just use these days in ways that bring you joy. You deserve them.

Worry about what will happen when it happens. Or at least defer it until much closer to it happening. As I'm learning to tell myself "That's a tomorrow problem".

@AcrossthePond55 that all sounds horrific - and it also sounds like your brain telling you that you really, really, really, really don't want him back. This is a good thing. You're succeeding at detaching. It's a painful process, but you're kicking its ass. Well done you.

Popped along to see ex with dd. We went to the park so not in his flat. As he go into my car he smelt of booze but as not with dd alone I left it

later started to moan how mad /sad his life was. How he would be better off not here and how everytime he eats or goes out he has 🤮💩

I said be honest. It’s not the food. It’s what else goes in the body.

I mentioned drinking. He I’m not drinking. Can’t afford it. Have 4p in my account etc. so denied as always

back at his he went to the loo. I looked by his sofa /wall and saw a vodka bottle sticking out - empty

dd saw it as well

i say it so often that i must bore you all. Why lie ? It’s the lying that annoys me
but equally mean I know I’m still doing the right thing - it’s like I need to verify it to my self still even 2yrs on

Well done @AcrossthePond55 for not giving in and eventually winning the money battle

sorry for nightmare

@PenguinsandspanielsI totally agree about the lies. Just why? I have asked mine many many times why he persists in lying when I can tell on sight that he’s had a drink but I never get a straight answer. His usual one is that if he told me the truth I’d go ballistic but being lied to when I can see the evidence with my own eyes makes me see red even more.

It's not you they're lying to, it's them. They have to, because otherwise they have to admit they have a problem.

Least he gives you a reason. Ex won’t give me one. Just says I’m not. Haven’t for months

it fucking smells ffs !!!

ahhhhhhh. Bangs head

@pointythings you are the voice of reason as always. I hope I will be in years to come

Sadly it's the voice of experience, but if I can pay forward all the wisdom I learned when I was in the thick of it, I'm doing it.

@Penguinsandspaniels I used to hate taking my daughter to see my DH and he'd spend the whole visit talking about his hideous digestive problems. It was horrible for her and I often ended up cutting visits short because i felt they were having a negative impact on her. And yes to the lying. It is so frustrating. But if they told the truth they'd have to admit that all their problems have been caused by their own behaviour.

I don’t enjoy it @CharlotteByrde as it’s a lot of woe is me. I can’t walk. I can’t sleep. I can’t afford to buy ….. I’ve got the shits. I hate my life etc

But he won’t stop drinking or lying

i say I want them to have a relationship as he’s her dad and one day he won’t be here and by going to the park today gives her a nice memory hopefully

rather then the ones of him shouting Drunk and calling my a fucking cunt

and agree he won’t say it’s his own fault
I leave it to dd how long we stay.

Many a time she texted me saying can we go and a few mins later I say we need to go and finish homework or shower before school tomorrow

sometimes shes ok staying. We stayed for for tea today but prob helped we went to the park with him first so do something and wasn’t bored

I do wonder what goes through her little brain esp when she saw the vodka bottle and said don’t say anything to him. Which I didnt

she obv knew from previous that if I did either he would lie or get shitty and shout and then not nice for her

shes 8. Tho nearly 9 and knows she has to tread softly round him

that makes me sad