TW: found my alcoholic brother passed away today. If you are struggling with alcohol please heed my warning

[twiddlingthumbs69]

It’s not any easy conversation to have and I won’t post here unless someone specifically asks me what happened.

BUT, if you are struggling with alcohol and want to, quite frankly, be shocked into what happened and need that to give you the impetus to try and stop, please ask me

i have the upmost sympathy for anyone struggling with any addiction and am fully aware that it’s only yourself that can truly help you.

I lost my Mum a month ago to alcoholism. Had her funeral last week. I still sit here and ask myself why did she choose drink over her children? She’d never met her only grandchild.

You can’t moderate. That’s the issue. So many of us try and try to moderate for years… once the blackouts start they don’t stop. Stopping altogether is the answer.

To out you off further I was where you were a few years ago. Had a couple of instances where I couldn’t remember getting home. Then one night I woke up in a police cell with no idea why or how. I still don’t remember the events of what I did and it’s unlikely I ever will.

Same! No trauma or anything. Just genetically predisposed to it.

Ok. I'll just go away then and take my decades of experience in the field and we'll reject my common and researched observations. I'm out.

I’m not saying that everyone you have come across doesn’t have those things. But no matter how hard I dug with a psychotherapist there really is nothing that I can say led me to it except genetics. And considering genetic predisposition is scientifically noted to significantly increase the risk then I am not wrong either.

No need to get snippy at people sharing their experience of actually having a drinking issue rather than your experience in the field observing it.

God op I’m so sorry for your loss. What a terrible shock. Alcoholism is a terrible thing.

Don’t be so childish. I was just trying to make the point that you can’t generalise. I think what you wrote may be helpful to a lot of people but can be unhelpful- reading things like that when I had the seed there that my drinking wasn’t in a good place, would have made my fucked up brain think oh well I can’t really have a problem then, I’ll just keep on as I am…

My lived experience of my alcohol addiction is every bit as valid as whatever experience you have. I’ve had a good life, happy childhood and stable upbringing, good marriage and relationships, no money worries. I also think a more genetic/familial link for me, my uncle and grandad were heavy drinkers (I wasn’t close to them).

Sorry for derail OP - hope you’re bearing up. Xx

I know people who have been seriously traumatised, had abusive childhoods and still said to me "I never suffered trauma or abuse, it's just that my brain was build this way." To justify anxiety, autoimmune diseases and a lot of other things. When everyone could see how they grew up.
I had people telling me my parents were abusive and I said they didn't understand it. Just to understand it myself 15 years later.
So, without knowing you personally, it's impossible to know if alcohol is just addictive, or if you're in denial.

As you say you don’t know me, so you’ll have to take my word for it. Or not, I don’t care really! I’m in my 50s so I guess if there was trauma bubbling away it’d have come to the fore long before now. I actually think a lot of women just fall for the wine o clock lie tbh and then - given it’s an addictive substance - become addicted 🤷🏼‍♀️

I am very sure your contribution to the thread is very helpful to some. This is a support thread. For OP, but for so many others as well.

Why go into a strop because one poster doesn't agree with everthing you posted? That is how conversations go. As you have experience in this field, you are surely aware that not everyone's situation is the same. And that people will disagree with you from time to time.

@twiddlingthumbs69
I hope you are doing okay. You have been on my mind for days.

(Edited as no idea why 2nd tag will not delete)

@twiddlingthumbs

One of the saddest things I have ever witnessed was an early 40s lady
dying, she a had 14yo daughter. It was so desperately sad.

@sobermotherwell done! Keep going! The withdrawal effects will fade!! I know it’s so hard right now and you are in my thoughts. I’m sending you so much strength. Take care of yourself and let your family/friends know for support ❤️

@Highlightathank you so much for thinking of me. I’m relatively ok. The company has been in to clean up. Had a wobble in the middle of Tesco yesterday, all because someone was in my way and I couldn’t reach the cheese. Luckily DH was with me.
met a friend for tea and cake yesterday afternoon which was quite therapeutic. My family member said something last night that helped me a lot. She has been supporting him for decades but recently as she’s getting older she was worrying about what would happen to him when she died. In a way she feels as if it’s been a release for her. He had a sad life and it wasn’t going to get any better.
thank you for thinking of me ❤️

You can do this! I am very sure OP will not mind if you use this thread to check in and let us know how you are doing.

I genuinely don't think that my sister had any hidden trauma, mh issues or was nd either. To claim that she must have been perpetuates the lie that alcoholism is a thing that happens to other people.

But I DO think she was often lonely, put on a front, and succumbed to the wine o clock thing too. It was socially acceptable until it wasn't, and then managing that lie became another source of stress.

OP I am very sorry for your loss.
I have alcoholic grandparents on both sides & had an alcoholic partner when younger.
I saw a painting yesterday by Erich Plontke.
It made me think of your brother, & all who struggle with alcohol.

@CrispsPlease this is so true. My husband is alcohol dependent but he has such a traumatic past that sometimes it’s a wonder he’s still here. He’s also ND. It is absolutely his responsibility and nobody else can fix it, but me being punitive wouldn’t help anything.

@twiddlingthumbs69 I’ve been thinking about you too. You’ve been on my mind a lot. I’m sorry you’ve gone through such a terrible experience. Thank you for sharing it. Although it was shocking to read, it’s given me the wake up call I needed to address DH’s drinking. I had no idea it could end so badly. Like so many people, I imagined alcoholics quietly drank themselves into a stupor and slipped away. I’m not sure which way things are going to go with DH, it’s early days, but if he turns sober, it will be your post that started it. If he doesn’t, you’ll have given me the strength to get myself and the children out of the way.

@sobermotherabsolutly! Keep checking in, we’re all here for you!
(Hope I’ve posted this right, I’m not up to speed on tagging other)

@LizzieLogansending you strength. You’ll know when the time is right to leave, if it gets to that stage. Dont second guess yourself once your decision is made. Thinking of you x

I recommend you watch Rain in my Heart (BBC I Player)

@siliconcovergosh yes, I’ve just looked that painting up. Very dark but so true

Thanks everyone. Day 4 and I've got it all planned out - work this morning, time with my dc this afternoon, a community writing group this evening. Won't be home till 9.30pm. Importantly, no booze in the house, and I will not be buying any.

Until I started reading this thread I always associated Mumsnet with AIBU & stuff about unfaithful partners & the like. This has been a real eye opener for me & testifies to its quiet supportiveness. What a joy it is, even in times of tragedy & true despair.

@Squareroot Well said - the support here can be a wonderful thing.

@sobermother That’s a great plan, good on you for having made it. You’ll be so proud tonight when you’ve done exactly what you intended & I’m sure your DC will have loved spending time with you.