TW: found my alcoholic brother passed away today. If you are struggling with alcohol please heed my warning

[twiddlingthumbs69]

It’s not any easy conversation to have and I won’t post here unless someone specifically asks me what happened.

BUT, if you are struggling with alcohol and want to, quite frankly, be shocked into what happened and need that to give you the impetus to try and stop, please ask me

i have the upmost sympathy for anyone struggling with any addiction and am fully aware that it’s only yourself that can truly help you.

Thank you @Harriet9955.
Deep down the moment I heard the news, I was quite sure it was related.

I believe the chemo/radiotherapy are options given, but I don't think he has started any treatment yet. He did attempt to refrain from drinking, but that only lasted about 2 days. Here again the addiction had claimed top spot.

I appreciate your reply as I have tried to put it to the back of my mind this week, but I do need to face the facts that he is going to struggle going forward now, no matter what treatment he chooses. He is 51 years old! Actually I am quite angry. So I am also just offloading a bit here too.

I am not an alcoholic, but since the out of the blue suicide of my only dc, I’ve been drinking heavily.
The world is a dark place.
I wonder if there is a hereditary element too. My DM was an alcoholic.
Your post has been helpful to read; thank you.

Such a powerful and brave post which everyone should read. I am so so sorry for your loss OP and the circumstances.

It’s clear there is a high level of alcoholism among relatives of alcoholics, I believe they refer to it as a familial disorder. I think there’s been some evidence of limited genetic susceptibility but there’s probably many other factors that cause that increase within families.

That familial component scares me, I enjoy the odd social drink but don’t drink very much. I’m not sure I’ll ever relax fully around alcohol.

I’m so sorry for your loss, that is a very hard thing to deal with.

@longtompotthank you for the link. I had to spell it out in graphic terms just what those bits of blood were! I really didn’t want to traumatise them further but had to make them understand what it actually is.
Thankfully they understood and we had a company who came round this morning to quote. It’s £980, so less than I thought and worth every penny and they are doing it tomorrow.
its such a relief to get that part sorted x

What a terrible thing for you, what a compassionate person you are, sending you healing wishes.

I'm so sorry. Losing my only DC is one of my greatest fears.

I unfortunately know several families who've lost children to suicide. Two of the suicides happened this year - one of the young people who died was just 13 and the other was 27. The world can indeed be a very dark place. There are other people out there experiencing the same kind of pain as you, so I hope you can talk to someone who understands.

I’m so sorry for your loss @UniteTheUnicorns - the world is indeed a dark place. I hope you are able to grieve fully and eventually find some peace in your own heart; despite this searing pain.
Thank you again to all for sharing your experiences; so much pain is hiding in plain sight, I dearly wish this were not the case

Name changed as was outing. I’m so sorry for all those who who’ve lost loved ones to this horrible addiction. One of my DCs was admitted to hospital late 23 with ascites, they took off 12 litres of fluid and another 7 litres a couple of weeks later. They stopped drinking straight away, but I think that they don’t want to admit how serious their situation is. Some varices in the throat, and they are still very swollen in the stomach area, permanently on diuretics.Their GP has been great.However I don’t think they want to accept how serious their condition is. My parents were both very alcohol dependent. I’m just not sure how long my DC will live. Still managing to work in a basic job, company have been very supportive.

@Wishmyhousewasbigger so sorry to read this. I am ignorant around varices, if they stop drinking, can this be reversed?

My understanding is no, not reversible.

@NeverbeentothegymI post this a lot on threads about alcoholics.

The only hope you’ve got with alcoholics is that they finally hit a rock bottom moment; when the booze stops working and they can’t deny any longer what a fucking mess they are in.

The best chance you’ve got of that happening is if you remove all support and any pretence that living the way he is is acceptable. If you can help him to hit his rock bottom faster then that is a good thing.

I enabled my friend for too long and wish I’d let him face the reality of his situation more harshly and sooner.

@BMW6 sounds absolutely horrendous.

Sending hugs OP

we found my brother dead at the beginning of September. He had struggled with alcohol for over 10 years and we just had it confirmed on Tuesday by the procurator fiscal that his official cause of death is being recorded as alcoholic ketoacidosis

I agree with a previous poster. Be kind to, and look after, yourself. The funeral director for my brother told me to do the same. She said you can’t pour from an empty cup. It really stuck with me

i went into practical mode, trying to get everything sorted out with the funeral, the lawyers, the police and making sure everyone else was ok. You need to make sure that you are ok too

I was diagnosed with head & neck cancer, primary tumour was in my right tonsil & had spread into my lymph nodes, almost five years ago. Majority H&N cancers are caused by smoking & drinking but mine was caused by the HPV virus (a different strain to that which causes cervical cancer).

Regardless I think the treatment is fairly standard - chemo & radiotherapy & I won’t lie the treatment is brutal but it worked for me. I had 5 courses of chemo & 35 blasts of radiotherapy & that was after surgery to cut out the tumour & offending lymph nodes. I had to have a feeding tube fitted because my throat became so inflamed & ulcerated by the radiotherapy that I couldn’t drink or swallow & at one stage couldn’t even talk.

H&N cancers are widely regarded as having some of the most severe after effects of all cancer treatments & sadly I still have many of them. The prognosis can be good, but equally it can be poor depending on how severe the cancer is at the start. Like all cancers. Your friend will likely get a candid response from their oncologist, if they’re a heavy drinker it’s time for the penny to drop…

@twiddlingthumbs69 Oh, I'm glad your family members have seen sense. But you shouldn't have needed to spend the energy convincing them. It sounds like you're the 'strong one', and you're having to hand-hold others who frankly aren't aren't as close or affected by your brother's death.

I'm still pissed off at how needy and self-absorbed some of my mother's family were after her death. People who hadn't spoken to her in years, acting as if their pain was greater than her immediate family's, with little sympathy for us. I'm not saying your family is like this – I hope they aren't! – but be aware of giving too much to others.

Take care of yourself.

I’m so sorry for everyone who has experienced these terrible losses, and for those who are currently looking down the barrel of that gun.

My DB was a police officer and frequently was the first on the scene of these terrible deaths. One time the person who died was the coolest guy from our school, dead before he was 40. I was so horrified.

@twiddlingthumbs69 I am sorry for your tragic loss. I have seen my late DH having a bleed and now seeing my DS die, I understand your trauma.

Your family members who expect you to clear up have no idea at all. I have people expecting me to clean and empty the flat. I cannot possibly do that. As the flat is private rented and he had no assets I just told the landlord we cannot clear it. I don't think there is any biohazard but he was too weak to clean and tidy so it is messy.

@Raviliousart I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

@Raviliousart so sorry you have had to cope with your DH and DS dying. Very sensible to step away from cleaning his flat, there will be a deposit that the landlord can use to hire someone to clear the flat.

@twiddlingthumbs69 Thank you for posting this. I am 3 days sober and struggling with cravings. Reading your posst this evening has strengthened my resolve. ❤

I'm so sorry about your dear brother. 💐

Alcoholism is still very much treated as a self inflicted greed problem.

It's an utterly terrible affliction for the sufferer. As well as their helpless families.

I've never met an alcohol dependent person that didn't have trauma/abuse or debilitating mental health conditions/neuro diversity. It's self medication.

Most people are really good people behind the alcohol. They're so terribly unwell.

As you say: here's to hoping that everyone out there suffering with alcoholism realises they matter and that they're worth saving.

I disagree.

Most people living with alcohol dependence have zero self worth, are full of self loathing and self hatred and the worse their life gets, the more hope fades like a flickering distant light that they can't possibly reach.

This old fashioned "bashing and shaming" people is counter productive.

Far better to give hope and light. Go down the "you can get better. You are worth saving. There's a life out there for you that might not look perfect, but it can be simple and useful" . Most alcohol dependent people crave stability and most of all peace. Because all they have is self loathing, self hatred and chaos with an unbearably noisy head. The booze is the only thing that quitens that horrible voice telling turn they're worthless and should just die " and so the Vicious cycle continues. I personally think the answer is "hope" not "rock bottom".

I genuinely had none of those things and still ended up addicted to alcohol. Alcohol is addictive 🤷🏼‍♀️

No one wants to end up addicted and it’s not the addict’s fault but it is their responsibility.

100% agree that it's the addicted person's responsibility yes.