TW: found my alcoholic brother passed away today. If you are struggling with alcohol please heed my warning

[twiddlingthumbs69]

It’s not any easy conversation to have and I won’t post here unless someone specifically asks me what happened.

BUT, if you are struggling with alcohol and want to, quite frankly, be shocked into what happened and need that to give you the impetus to try and stop, please ask me

i have the upmost sympathy for anyone struggling with any addiction and am fully aware that it’s only yourself that can truly help you.

Ive known a few people go this way. Absolutely shocking. And yet completely normalised and ingrained in our culture. I hope this helps some people op.

I know it's a stupid question but what is it that makes someone go back on it when they have been detoxed.. Are they in physical pain, do they just like the feeling of being out if it or do they need to block out feelings/ anxiety ?? I've never really understood. There was a post on here about a woman in hospital for 6 weeks who went straight back out onto a 4 day bender..What would cause something like that ?

I’m so so sorry for your loss, and for having to find him the way you did. I hope that with time your memory allows you to think of the good days. You must be heartbroken x

@Dayglobooi fully understand your confusion. To someone that doesn’t have addictions it can be totally baffling.
from other alcoholics I know (and I know far to many in my line of work) they often describe the overwhelming and intense need to drink. I presume that your body has got so used to it that without it you would do anything to get it. It’s the intense craving. They know they shouldn’t but there’s a sense of denial that one won’t hurt. They lie to themselves. I once saw someone smash a compass to get to the alcohol inside (when thst was used, might still be, I don’t know)
if you look at drug addicts for instance it’s still pretty much taboo and illegal. With alcohol and cigarettes it’s socially acceptable.
Ive often wondered, if someone is an alcoholic but lost their memory would they still crave it? Of course they would in reality it’s a visceral craving not a concious thought as to drink or not on some level.
sorry I’m rambling a bit, it’s just my thoughts and experience with others.

Horrendous. I am so so sorry for both your loss and what you witnessed. Same goes for everyone else sharing stories on this thread ❤️

We lost my lovely BIL to alcoholism a few years ago. He was 41 and had been drinking vodka all day every day for so so long. We were told he died in his sleep with no sign of suffering, but I struggled to believe it then and still do. The death certificate is not accurate either. I won't say where he lived (not England) but my father-in-law was able to influence what was written on it. I just pray whatever happened, it was swift 💔

It’s not the physical dependence driving that but psychologically.

Oh twiddlingthumbs69 your family members who think you should clean it up are beyond cruel. It’s bad enough that you had to find your brother like that. If they are insistent make them go to the house themselves as they clearly don’t understand how awful it is.

Aside from the personal difficulty of the job biohazard cleaners know what they are doing and we don’t. Money well spent.

@twiddlingthumbs69
I am sorry to read the back lash you are getting regarding the clean up. Wtf. I am very firmly with you and this is not for you to be taking on. If they are so adamant that a company not be called in, leave it to them to sort out. I am pretty sure then that the tables will turn. Yes everyone is shocked and upset, but they need to realise everyone needs to support everyone right now.

I don't personally have a problem with alcohol but even so, your thread has stayed with me since you first posted. So I am very sure that this will be the case for someone who knows they need help, but also needs a little prompt to do that.

🌷

My best friend's ex died in a pool of blood aged 49 from alcoholism. He was a brilliant but deeply troubled person. Such a waste.

Can I ask a question? I’m trying to help someone I’m very close to, who is currently sofa surfing. I was going to offer them somewhere to stay but be very clear that it’s an alcohol free house. Would that work or would they find it too difficult? I mean what they do in their time, out of the house, is their choice and I’m not policing that. But I will not watch them drink themselves to death. Will it work? Not necessarily forever, but just to reduce the use in the short term.
It impacts me as we share children together.

I couldn’t say whether my friend’s experience would be the same for all, but she took in a (close) person who was sofa surfing and had problem binges. She also declared the house alcohol free.

The binges were truly awful. He would come home and vomit everywhere. Pass out. Piss himself . More than once paramedics took him away in touch and go circumstances. The worry when he disappeared for days, she found him once in an underground car park.

He did try and keep to the alcohol free rule, I think, but also often smuggled some in, got an Amazon delivery when he thought she wasn’t in etc.

He was having some sort of support counselling. She got herself some sort if counselling.

Personally I was deeply worried about her young teens witnessing all this and that they would be witness to his death.

The most recent I heard was that she could no longer cope with the stress and was looking for some sort of stable situation for him elsewhere.

I guess it depends if the person is on a programme to address the drinking, how bad it is etc.

I think that first you need to know what you are letting yourself in for by agreeing to have them stay. Do you live an already stressful life, because this sounds like a sure fire way to increase that stress, purely as it sounds like you are going to have to monitor this.

And as you have children together, you need to be aware of what they could witness.

If an addict cannot get their fix at one place, they will just get it in another. Your home might be an alcohol free zone, but chances are they will drink elsewhere and then come back under the influence.

I doubt it is going to make them stop if the situation is as serious as it sounds (ie sofa surfing).

It sounds like your ex, did you split up because of alcohol?

I have a question also if anyone has experienced this.

I have a friend (who I have distanced from a bit due to him being very alcohol dependent), has within this week just found out he has throat cancer.

I believe one of the later stages.

He has had a problem with alcoholism for as long as I have known him, in excess of 20 years. He is in complete denial though, hence my backing off from the friendship. This in itself was not easy, as we were incredibly close.

But I feel quite devastated at this news. I am wondering if it is just some random fluke, but I am quite convinced it is due to the amount of spirits that he consumes.

Can anyone who has had experience of someone going through this, just give me a heads up on what to expect. Please be frank. After reading posts here, I think I need to mental prepare myself.

This thread has been an eye opener. I do benefits work and many of my clients are alcohol dependent. I help many of them to claim PIP as they have health conditions but then invariably when they start getting an extra £500 a month the drinking escalates and it's a downward spiral. They don't use it to pay for therapy, a cleaner or carers .It gives me a real moral dilemma to the point that i don't want to be part of helping them to get more money, I feel like I am just helping them to get the means to kill themselves quicker. . Do those of you who have lost relatives think that having more available money just exacerbates the drinking ? I'm struggling to understand how people can pay for all this alcohol or is it just at the expense of other things- not paying bills. not eating etc.

I worked as an oncology Nurse for many years and then in palliative care. many cancers are linked to excessive alcohol consumption but especially Oesophageal cancer and cancers of the head and neck. So to be honest I very much doubt it is just a fluke that he has throat cancer. If it is Oesophageal cancer he has the prognosis will depend at what stage it is , whether he can have surgery or fit enough for chemotherapy/ Radiotherapy etc. Unfortunately for most head and neck cancers the treatment is very gruelling and he will need a lot of support. I hope he does ok. I'[ve nursed a lot of head and neck cancer patients over the years, I'd say the vast majority are heavy drinkers. They are already usually at a disadvantage due to often already being malnourished and whilst undergoing treatment also have to have nutritional support and detox.

Do those of you who have lost relatives think that having more available money just exacerbates the drinking ? I'm struggling to understand how people can pay for all this alcohol or is it just at the expense of other things- not paying bills. not eating etc.

Absolutely. Drink is their EVERYTHING. The not eating is particularly dreadful as that really fucks everything up and speeds up the end.

An alcoholic getting PIP is basically giving them their quicker path to death.

I am a dietitian who has worked with many patients with head and neck cancers and I echo everything @Harriet9955 says. Strong and proven link between alcohol consumption and head and neck cancers ( mouth/ tongue/ larynx/ oesophageal). If you add in smoking it’s even stronger. It can happen in non drinkers but it’s less likely.

So sorry for your loss. Thankfully my uncle was found the next day. Terrible for his brother who found him but it could have been worse. Heart attack but clearly alcohol related. He'd been drinking heavily all his life. His dad, my grandad, went the same way when I was 10.

I really find it a real dilemma. I can't refuse to help these people claim benefits they are eligible for but have a real problems with it. I really need a new job.

Well they'd get hold of it one way or another, so them getting the £££ perhaps means they don't need to steal or mug someone.

Taking a wider view the Government giving them £500pm is probably cost effective as they won't live long enough to get the State Pension.......

Please don’t!

Having seen the chaos and trauma an alcoholic brings to everyone around them I would never ever voluntarily have one living in the same house as children and young adults.

It’s not just coping with the drinking and the physical problems that brings, it’s the lying and manipulation. My brother damaged so many family relationships we’ll never fully recover from it.

And having read some of the descriptions on this thread of the aftermath that can occur when an alcoholic dies could you ever forgive yourself if you let that person stay and your children found them dead in a scene that looked like there’d been a massacre and/or violently projectile vomited their inards?

No, don’t do it. It’s very dangerous for an alcoholic to suddenly stop drinking, complications can even lead to death.

we’ve made a lot of progress on arrangements today and have a biohazard company coming to give a quote tomorrow. Im getting some resistance from other family members in paying for this. They seem to be under the impression that it’s an easy job and I can clear it all up myself, I’ve been called over sensitive today over the matter. Basically, just get on with it. I’m not doing it

Firstly, I just wanted to say so sorry for your loss, and also witnessing the aftermath. My dh had similar with his father, though not quite the same. He was also an alcoholic and my dh had fallen out with him a few months before he died. He was very local to us, and when we hadn't heard from him for longer than usual, dh went in and well...not a pretty sight.

Below is a link showing why a specialist cleaning company is needed for such things and I really wouldn't try and do it yourselves. When we had someone come round to do it, it was around £350 (approx 3 years ago) but it was in a small area, so it might be more if it is in several areas. It will be worth the money honestly.

https://thebalmoregroup.co.uk/what-is-biohazard-cleaning-2/#:~:text=Yes%2C%20biohazard%20cleaning%20is%20strictly,safe%20handling%20of%20hazardous%20materials

My uncle died walking on the way to getting his pension. Am ambulance called straight away, nothing they could do for him. At least I have the very minor consolation that nothing could have been done and he did not die and not be found for a period of time.

@Neverbeentothegym the chances of it going horribly wrong are very high I'm afraid and if you have children it would be far better for them not to observe it.