TW: found my alcoholic brother passed away today. If you are struggling with alcohol please heed my warning

[twiddlingthumbs69]

It’s not any easy conversation to have and I won’t post here unless someone specifically asks me what happened.

BUT, if you are struggling with alcohol and want to, quite frankly, be shocked into what happened and need that to give you the impetus to try and stop, please ask me

i have the upmost sympathy for anyone struggling with any addiction and am fully aware that it’s only yourself that can truly help you.

I watched this the other day (having seen it mentioned on this thread). I made the mistake of watching it on the train. I was in floods of tears but it was so revealing and full of insight.

Yes. I think this is the story of a lot of women, well of the similar demographic to myself anyway. As you say it’s all so socially acceptable and pushed, from the silly signs “this house runs on love and Prosecco” to “I’m the reason mummy drinks” babygros. Until some people succumb to the addiction and then they are blamed. Yes a lot of people start drinking to numb and block out trauma or to self medicate mental illness but it’s not everyone and I completely agree on your “othering” point. It’s the same reason I don’t use the terms “alcoholic” and “alcoholism” and prefer “alcohol addict” and “alcohol use disorder”.

The posters posting their experiences are
helpful but they only know the addicts they know - not everyone.

Either way it’s a horrible toxic substance and addiction to it is a living hell, some of us are lucky to climb out before our descent ends up too deep to do so.

I’m sorry about your sister x

@BMW6 @Icanttakethisanymore im hoping DH will watch it with me.

So sorry for your loss, especially the loss of the future you hoped for where she took joy in her children and grandchild. I know it doesn’t help but she wasn’t consciously choosing the drink over you.

I agree. I work with alcohol dependent these alcohol dependent people too and the majority of the people I deal with are as you describe. My most recent one has suffered DV, another has severe adhd, one is currently threatening to kill himself.

I think middle class women drink and become addicted in a different way to impoverished men. But as with everything health related, how if affects men becomes seen as the default.

Maybe that’s why I found it quite easy to quit, in the end, once the sweats and palpitations were gone as I wasn’t using it to numb trauma.

Please message me . I am so sorry for your loss
we have just lost our brother too 2 days ago . I keep blaming myself for not doing enough

I'm so sorry. I very much doubt you could have prevented this. The friend I mentioned upthread had a loving family, a girlfriend who did her best to support him and, as his dad was rich, he also had access to a prestigious rehab unit. But none of it stopped him from relapsing time and time again. He couldn't or wouldn't give up alcohol in the long-term and there was nothing anyone could do to make him. Please don't feel guilty.

Honestly there is absolutely NOTHING you could have done to prevent this.

Please watch Rain In My Heart available on BBC Iplayer, and read the threads in this forum.

My DH could have lived a few more years and he KNEW if he drank again at all it would mean death imminently. I told him exactly how he would probably die in hope that it would wake him up to the reality.

It didn't. He died within 3 weeks of starting to drink again - and very much as I had predicted.

He couldn't stop no matter what. Nor could your brother.

Watching this now - very grim

I’m so so sorry for your loss. If your post was to me to message you, I’m afraid I can’t I’m using the app and can’t remember my log in for desktop.

This was NOT your fault! It’s human nature to try and find answers at this stage, I know! There is absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent this I’m afraid.

the only person who could have helped was themselves.

sending you love x

Sometimes it's not what you did at the end, but what you did for so many days and weeks and years that kept your brother with you for so long - appreciate yourself for all of those times.

It is incredibly difficult as all you want to do is save them but we can’t. We can provide love and support but the only person who can stop is the alcoholic and often not even they can help themselves.

If you blame yourself you’re implicitly saying family members have the power to prevent this and they haven’t. Please don’t put that blame on any family member of an alcoholic not even yourself

The three "c"s of alcoholism. You are not guilty for anyone else's addiction:

You did not cause it.
You cannot control it.
You cannot cure it.

Very sorry for the loss of your brother.

@twiddlingthumbs69 How are you?
You’ve been in my thoughts a lot since your first post; I hope you are coping with both the sudden & tragic loss and the complexity surrounding it.

@HotTiredDogthank you so much for checking on me. On the whole I’m ok. I am getting quite a lot of anxiety though so taking propranolol if I have too. It comes in waves. Such a lot to sort out. He didn’t leave a will so everything will take so long going through probate. We have the funeral next week. His property will have to be left until probate is granted, could be a year. That worries me in itself as properties tend to deteriorate quite fast when unoccupied. One thing is has confirmed to me though is write a Will. We are in the process of doing that now. Basically it’s a mess and I’m not much better xx

Oh @twiddlingthumbs69 I’m so sorry you’ve got so much on your shoulders.
OK on the whole is quite phenomenal in the circumstances, even if only for a couple of hours a day - most people would be crying out for propranolol (etc) so please keep on with it & stay in touch with your GP for your ongoing care. I hope that the waves of grief become further apart over the coming days & weeks.

Very well done on arranging the funeral for next week; have you been able to invite all his friends as well as family? ( If you’ve not been able to contact them all, please don’t feel too bad about it, it’s often just not possible to let everyone know.)

As probate is going to take so long to complete, does it follow that you don’t have the same pressure to deal with the contents of the property & the everyday bits that are associated with it?

And yes, of course the property & grounds will deteriorate over time, but that’s a lesser concern than your health, physical and mental.
Do you know a trustworthy handyman / gardener etc who could take on some limited responsibility for looking after it? Apologies if you’ve detailed it above & I can’t remember, but could they trim lawns, shrubbery etc, check guttering etc periodically and even open windows to ensure ventilation? It’s the sort of job that a semi-retired person may like to take on, for example (not intending to patronise you).

I hope there are others irl who can take their fair share of the tasks that have arisen & which will come up in future as it is certainly not fair for it all to sit with you.

Also - Given that he was intestate, perhaps a local solicitor / charity / accountant could help to guide you through this process? They may be able to support you when it comes to allocating assets to potential beneficiaries in future including keeping you safe from challenges from others.
Maybe posting on the Legal board here could help?

And one other point - despite your horrific pain, you’ve been an inspiration & source of help & support to so many people on this thread. You are phenomenal & don’t you dare forget that 🤗

@HotTiredDogyou are so kind, thank you for your advice and your very kind words.
yes, we seem to have managed to contact everyone re the funeral. No idea how many will actually be able to make it. All his friends had fallen by the wayside over the years as he got more consumed by alcohol. We know that his lovely neighbours will come though.

we have a solicitor in place now so that’s one pressure off.

luckily my mother has a gardener and he is able to keep on top of the garden etc. I will pop in as often as I can to check too.

your right actually that with probate taking so long it does give us breathing space to sort the house out, small blessings!

thank you again for checking on me, you are very kind xx

Lots of really good news in there, @twiddlingthumbs69 - top scores for the solicitor, gardener, and for contacting all those people too.

I’m sure that the practical things will start to settle a little after the funeral; little bits every so often will get all the practicalities dealt with.
Let the grief happen, it’s natural - whether you cry a lot or a little, alone or in public, it’s all fine.

(And thank you, you’re so welcome xx)

Ongoing hugs 🤗

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing. I have read your thread, and really feel for you.

This has been one of my worries, as my partner is an alcoholic and is showing signs of this being his future.

I've decided that i don't want this to be my future, and it doesnt have to be. I feel guilt, but all I am doing is slowing down the process.

Sending thoughts of love and peace to you and those you love.

sympathy for you, I am so sorry to hear this. my late father's best friend died from alcohol addiction. he was found dead in a public toilet after a drinking binge, which was complicated by valium tablets. Despite trying, he was not resuscitated. he was only in his 40s left behind a wife and child

This exact thing happened to my Aunty. She purged from almost all of her internal organs. It was like a horror murder scene and she must've struggled from room the room in her final moments.
We know she was violently vomiting up organ debris in the bathroom initially and, god rest her soul, she ended on the landing at the tops of her stairs. Her front door was met immediately with stairs upto her flat and I always think was she trying to get down for help.
So sad. My mum turned to alcohol after this and was a binge drinker for years. Rebah for months a time and always ended up relapsing until she had a stroke.
Alcohol really is the devil. Im sorry to hear about your brother x

I hope you don't mind me asking about this, some form of this scenario with separated H worries me. He's done himself so much internal damage and on his last hospitalisation all his organs were struggling. I believe he's been sober for a few months at this point.
The question is whether this horrible turn of events can occur during a period of sobriety or is it always in the context of active drinking?
For several years I've been worried that our child could witness a catastrophic medical event so contact is very infrequent and I am always there.

I’m afraid it can happen during a period of sobriety if the damage has already been done. You are right to be concerned about what your child could witness. so sorry you are going through this.

Do you know if his liver is Decompensated? That means it no longer has the ability to repair damage and he will probably die within a couple of years or tomorrow whatever he does.

My DH was hospitalised until last December and his liver was Decompensated. He died in March vomiting blood. He had started drinking again in February but even if he had stayed sober he was on limited time and I don't think he could cope with knowing that.