TW: found my alcoholic brother passed away today. If you are struggling with alcohol please heed my warning

[twiddlingthumbs69]

It’s not any easy conversation to have and I won’t post here unless someone specifically asks me what happened.

BUT, if you are struggling with alcohol and want to, quite frankly, be shocked into what happened and need that to give you the impetus to try and stop, please ask me

i have the upmost sympathy for anyone struggling with any addiction and am fully aware that it’s only yourself that can truly help you.

That’s how I felt when my dad died. To some extent I was mourning the dad he never was (and now, I knew with 100% certainty, he would never be)

@twiddlingthumbs69 I'm so sorry for your loss 💐. We lost my uncle to the same thing. He was the loveliest man and had so much going for him but the drink just had too much of a hold over him. It was an utterly tragic and pointless waste of a good man's life.

So sorry for you and your family, a truly horrendous way to die. My ex MIL was a life long alcoholic. Died at 69, thankfully in hospital,, but had varices and organ failure.

My sister is slowly drinking herself to death. She, too, has been drinking since her early teens. She holds down a job and seems to trundle along, despite drinking at least two bottles of wine in an evening, often three. Although she has had a couple of falls and broken bones due to osteoporosis.

Her partner has thought about leaving for the past few years but is afraid of dsis dying alone.

I've thought about writing to her, telling her she's loved but she's just awful when drunk. She says vile things about my kids (they're really great people!), talks inappropriately about our (dead) parents sex life, spouts utter shite generally. So much so that I have visited the town she lives in without seeing her because I can't bear seeing her knowing that she'll just be drunk and obnoxious.

Sorry, just went off on one.

Im so sorry for the loss of your brother x

I’m really glad that I said something and I hope it helps your brain with the trauma. Sending many best wishes to you during this awful time.

My ex MIL was like that. Would get drunk and tell my ex husband she wished he and his brother had never been born..Whenever you went round there.she was always trying to shove drink down everybody's throat. If ever we all went out, we'd always have to find the nearest pub. Not drinking was considered boring by her. She was very manipulative, using insults and criticism to get her way.She was also a heavy smoker. She died from cancer in various organs in her seventies. I didnt like her but felt guilty for feeling that way. She's had some trauma earlier in life, which I think brought on the alcoholism.. This was all a long time ago. The funny thing was that the word 'alcoholic' was never used by any of us in relation to her. She was always treated as a ' bit of a drinker' ,especially by my husband and her husband.....as if it was a hobby or something. Thank God there is more awareness now.

That is such a hard hitting, tragic programme.

Alcoholism changes the brain, it affects the ability to make good decisions and the ability to process complex realities making it easier for alcoholics to stay in denial. It's a horrible, horrible condition.

A truly dreadful and sad story. That poor man. And poor you and your mum too.
If reading this description can save just one person, your brother's death will not be in vain.

Oh my goodness this is heartbreaking 💔
Thank you all for sharing your experiences, and I’m so sorry for the tragic losses that many of you have experienced. All from a product that has been enmeshed within our society & is almost viewed as a staple item.

A friend was a very heavy drinker & undoubtedly this caused his death in his early 50s. A dreadful loss for his family & one that triggers many questions - why did we buy him malt whisky, why did we always meet at the pub for every celebration? When he was slurring words so badly that nobody could understand him, why didn’t we engage with him to try to help? I know it is down to the individual but surely we, his friends and family, should have done more?

Some very powerful stories here

Absolutely it does.

It changes the pathways in the brain. I didn’t end up with irreversible health problems thankfully but amongst the other things I realised when I was a drinker (not even just drunk - all the time) was my personality becoming harsher, more hard edged. It was not nice. Alcohol changes the brain and whilst some things may be halted if you stop once you drink again all the old pathways will light up again. That’s why if you’re addicted to alcohol moderate drinking won’t work. You need to stop or gradually cut down and move towards that.

To all who have shared your stories I feel sure that hard as those will be to read especially by people still struggling with drinking, they will help change lives.

To those with family members or friends who have died or are afflicted by alcohol addiction there is no way any of it is your fault.

To those still struggling being addicted to alcohol is not your fault but it is your responsibility. You can change. You alone need to do it, but you don’t have to do it alone. There’s so much help, AA of course, but not just AA.

In closing I would like to see the phrase “functioning alcoholic” consigned to the bin. There is no such thing. Being addicted to alcohol in and of itself means your brain and body are not functioning properly. That you are holding down a job, and juggling kids, relationship, social life etc does not mean you are functioning properly as a person.

OP I’m so sorry to read this. I can’t imagine how you just be feeling. Please consider EMDR in the future, when the trauma has had time to settle. I did it earlier this year and it’s very powerful.

DH is a functioning alcoholic. I’m at the ‘do I leave him or try to help him’ stage. We have two young children. He has a family tragedy that sparked his drinking. He was taking me with him so I stopped completely a month ago.

My DF was also an alcoholic, but thank goodness developed dementia before he could drink himself to death and died peacefully in a care home.

To everyone on this thread, alcoholic or with a loved one who is, my heart goes out to you.

I am so so sorry for your loss and for the images that will be with you forever. My SIL died a similar death although I didn’t know the graphic details of your post - I was told it looked like a murder scene and that she drowned in her own blood so I can only imagine it was similar. Your post has made me rethink my nightly drink and start sober October. I hope you can find peace in time.

I have thought that too about a cousin who amazingly is still alive, but her drinking pushed me away. I used to worship her, the way teenage girls look up to older, more worldly female relatives. But the drinking meant angry outbursts, saying horrible things eg about my grandmother, belittling me when under the influence. I never tried to talk to her about her drinking. I think 1) alcoholics are quite good at creating a veil of normality around their drinking and 2) by the time the problem was undeniable I was too scared of her. Cowardly I know, but I doubt it would have made a shred of difference.

Thank you for sharing OP, and others. My mother is a severe, chronic, alcoholic, living in squalor, with severe self neglect. I fear it’s only a matter of time before she is found like this and I need to be prepared.

Great post op. Wish you the best, and thank you for helping others

This was the same with my friend who died 12 years ago. We’d tried so hard to help him, he went to private centres, NHS detox several times but his life just imploded. He used to be a normal middle class middle manager in a big corporate with a lovely home and wife and kids. When he died he’d been seeing prostitutes as they brought wine and added it to the bill.

The last clean up we did of his house after a detox was definitely biohazard levels of filth. He started drinking about 10 days after that and was found dead 6 months later.

But weirdly the toxicology report said he was sober at the time of death. I guess the damage was done regardless.

It was another month after that when I finally admitted my own defeat and went to an AA meeting. I am coming up 12 years sober next month; 1 day at a time. Sounds awful but his death saved my life.

I’m so sorry for your loss and thank you for using this thread to hopefully plant a seed in someone else’s mind to get help.

I am so very sad for all the stories on here , I take no comfort from knowing it wasn’t just me who has been through this and I’m so sorry for everyone else who has shared their stories. I wish there were fewer of us, but it shows you how common alcoholism is. Sending love and strength to you all . @twiddlingthumbs69 you should be proud of sharing your own terrible story and allowing others an outlet to do the same.

I'm so sorry for what you went through OP. Thank you for trying to bring light to the darkness by posting here. I'm sure none of this has been easy.

I hope this comes across in the right way but for anyone reading this that wants to stop and would find it helpful - we do have a thread on the Alcohol support board just for people who have stopped or are stopping for good. Lots of advice, support and general chit chat. I hope that it helps someone.

Thank you all, each and every one of you.
just being on hear and knowing that my brothers death was ‘normal’ under the circumstances helps a lot.
im still at the stage where i can’t get the last image of him out of my mind although, the initial shock has passed. My appetite is coming back too.
we’ve made a lot of progress on arrangements today and have a biohazard company coming to give a quote tomorrow. Im getting some resistance from other family members in paying for this. They seem to be under the impression that it’s an easy job and I can clear it all up myself, I’ve been called over sensitive today over the matter. Basically, just get on with it. I’m not doing it. The smell in the house today was worse than ever. I’ve had to come home and shower/wash my hair as it was clinging to me and I didn’t even go upstairs today.
anyway what I really came on to say is thank you all for sharing your personal stories as well. Seems there are far too many of us dealing with the aftermath of the mess alcoholics make, dead or alive.
for those of you struggling, you have my greatest sympathy.
if you do feel that all these messages have given you the courage to quit I’m with you all the way and wish you strength and courage.
Do it for yourself mostly/ultimately but also for your loved ones and all the pour souls that went before and didn’t make it ❤️

Binge drinking is alcoholism . Don t pretend yo yourself that it isnt. Stop. Just dont drink at all.

@twiddlingthumbs69 what an absolute piss take your family members are, if they think the clear up is so easy then let them crack on with it.
I was lucky to have a strong stomached friend to clear up my exs house -bear in mind he died nothing like how your brother did and it was still bad enough. I then paid for a professional deep clean and it came out of his estate.
You are an amazing and brave person and I wish you happiness and healing.

@Lavrander great signpost , thank you.

😡at your family thinking you should do the clean up OP. That’s psychological cruelty. If they object to the cost let them do it.

My brother was an alcoholic and died alone between Chritmas and New Year four years ago. He had been invited to come and stay but said no. We were heartbroken when his neighbour called to say his cats had been round to their house looking for food so they'd gone to check and found him.

I lost my son 3 weeks ago. We knew he had liver disease but he did not admit how ill he was. I visited, found him unconscious and had to call the ambulance. He died the following day. His father also died of liver disease.
Some people think that if they stop drinking when they feel ill, they will recover, but the liver can be too damaged for recovery.

It is a horrible disease and I know I will keep seeing my son like that.