Tulips, Snowdrops and Brownies! Thread 4 for those wanting a coffee not a cocktail🌷🧁☕️

[AFmammaG]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5147598-day-1-or-100-tulips-and-snowdrops-say-browniesnotbeer

Boldly starting Thread 4, link above to Thread 3. Hoping some of the oldies will join and always open to newbies. This thread is for anyone looking to chat and support those trying to lead an alcohol free life ❤️

@Woollygreymittens congrats on 41 days! Sorry to hear about your sleep. Mine was up and down for about a month so hopefully it will settle soon. I’ve also stopped with the negative self talk and changed to chanting things like “I’m doing my best” or “tomorrow is another day”.

Not being able to properly switch off is something I also miss. Try thinking about things you don’t want back. Waking with anxiety at 5am and not being able to get back to sleep is a huge one for me. I’m sure you can think of something that’s a positive? Better skin? Flatter stomach? Less headaches? I have all of these.

Caring for an elderly relative is draining, do you have any help? My mum passed away years ago and DH’s are fairly independent so not much experience to offer (and I’m sure you have investigated everything). Sending you lots of strength and remember “this would be so much worse hungover”.

Last night I googled my 200 day date and it falls on a big weekend for me so I’ve found that quite motivating. I also stewed on what @TimesaChangeling said about the treadmill. It’s been folded up against the wall for at least a month so I’m going to dust that off and get back on tonight. I was feeling more positive when I got on it every night, even just 20 minutes helped.

Well done on triple digits @AFmammaG thats bloody fantastic!

I guess I had thought alcohol was the biggest issue in my life. Seems it was just hiding everything else.

Ditto to this.

We are on a path of discovery. I did feel a sense of “what now?” after the 50 days AF. If life was straightforward I probably wouldn’t drink, I wouldn’t have these horrible feelings of dread about parts of my life. I wouldn’t have felt the need to dive into a bottle of wine every night.

For once I’m focussing part of my day on me, 30 mins of exercise and dog walking, eating food I want to eat - much to DPs annoyance! I am investing in my overall wellbeing and becoming AF is just a part of it.

Your day out with your DS sounds challenging @AFmammaG I had those when my DD was small, I remember the cringing embarrassment and literally lifting her out of soft play/play parks over my shoulder and leaving with sweat running down my back and tears stinging my eyes. Your story about the tap in toilet reminded me of when DD broke a toilet in m and s, I literally have no idea how she managed it, but it started leaking everywhere, she also managed to knock down a display of toilet rolls In Sainsbury’s once - there was an Andrex puppy thing at the top! Cringe.

Also when mine were little and we moved in with DP he was incredibly judgemental about their behaviour - I used to cry in the bathroom then drink! That was probably the lowest point of my life. I hope you get some help and a diagnosis soon. I hope your DH can give you some support for what you’re dealing with.

I think the treadmill is a great idea - even just a 10 minute walk/run can change your mood. And it’s time for you away from the family.

Oh thanks for sharing those stories @Cantdoitalll, sometimes I feel so alone. I’m not part of any SEN support groups, I’m just not ready. Maybe that’s something I’ll look into. It is nice to hear that it’s not just me. Especially when everyone else seems to be living an Insta perfect life!

My DH doesn’t support the referral. That in itself is challenging but I’m pressing ahead because I can’t face DS spending his life wondering what’s wrong with him. I’m also convinced I have ADHD. My DH actually laughed out loud when I said that. He’s quite old school and thinks these conditions are excuses but the more I research for DS the more convinced I am. It explains so much. The addictive personality, the impulsive behaviour, the lack of care around risk or personal safety, the procrastination and short attention span!!! I’ve spent my life thinking I am lazy. Or stupid. It’s only now I’ve realised I may actually have this condition.

Sorry, that was a bit deep for a Thursday morning.

Congratulations on the 100 days @AFmammaG
Reflect on how far you've come and take pride in your great achievement.
You are doing so well.

I'm not sure if it will help or hinder you to hear this but I found 100 days quite unsettling. I felt that 100 days should have been some sort of magic "ta-da!" moment, where suddenly you don't want to drink again and there are rainbow shitting unicorns everywhere! And ... whew ... it was an anticlimax. The day went past un-noticed and un-marked because I was ashamed to mention it. I still wanted to drink and then I felt guilty because I still wanted to drink after 100 days and then I spiralled and beat myself up for feeling that way and went down the shame tube and ended up drinking again inevitably.

So, do you have a next target in mind? 6 months? A new target might help? And also please don't underestimate the power of the last 100 days. Take a good day from the last 100 days and reflect on how great and strong you felt then.

I think for a lot of us, we use wine as this magic salve. It creates "us time" as busy stretched Mums. It dissipates stress from every day difficulties and shuts off all that noise. Realistically, finding something to replace that is not easy. But the wine creates stress in itself. Getting out of that loop is really hard and recognising it and us all being here reflecting on it is powerful x

@AFmammaG @Cantdoitalll my stepchild is AuDHD so I have a catalogue of stories too. You are very much not alone.

ADHD is under-diagnosed in women as it can look very different from ADHD in boys. Mel Robbins is really good on this and has done a few podcasts on it; there is also a very clear link between ADHD and substance use.

@Steppered I will look up Mel Robbins, thanks for the recommendation and kind words above. You are right, if I think about one of my happy moments in the past 100 days, it really was good. In terms of a new goal, I have my eyes fixed on 200 days. I googled the date and it’s helped to refocus me.

@TimesaChangeling I’m on the treadmill. Didn’t even dust it first 😆 I almost talked myself out of it. As with all these things, glad I didn’t. Thanks for the encouragement. Hopeful this will be the start of turning that corner.

@Limeandsoda2023 are you about to hit 100 days? I keep looking out for you on the Jan thread but you’ve been a bit quiet of late, hope everything is ok.

Oh that’s fab! No need for dusting, it’s just where the feet are going!

I have just been out with a client and found a totally AF venue and it was absolutely heaving. The world is changing!

🙌 for getting on the treadmill!!! @AFmammaG
and very wise words @Steppered

It’s still one day at a time. My cravings were out tonight, stressful day at home, I was unsettled and felt like I wasted a lovely sunny day feeling anxious. Lacking energy.and motivation. Tomorrow will be better.

Tomorrow will be 8 weeks AF.

We are away for an event at the end of the month, DP asked if I’d be enjoying myself and having a drink. He was very disappointed when I said I wouldn’t be. I am feeling the pressure!

How are the legs feeling today after the run @AFmammaG I am about to do a full body weighted thing on YouTube.

I am going to craft shop later with DD and want to get some drawing and painting things - I’ve been inspired by @TimesaChangeling to try something creative in the evenings, have had a look on Pinterest at some arty things to try.

If you could see just how awful I am at anything remotely arty you wouldn’t be inspired I promise you!

I did manage to get up and work out before work this morning which was ace. I’ve been on an excited feel high all day for no reason which is partly good and partly bad in that my brain is trying to encourage me into wine celebration which is just nuts really. However I know I am also shattered so trying to focus on that feeling of getting into bed, drifting off naturally and having a whole, decent weekend. Not some half formed Voldemort style shadow of a weekend poking out of the back of my head.

@TimesaChangeling i think it’s the process of doing something crafty, I used to love losing myself in it, its like meditation. Glad you got the exercise buzz, I think that exercising in combination with stopping alcohol is what has kept me dry. I love the high after exercise and I don’t want to ruin it. I think it’s helped my anxiety as it seems to calm me down.

I’ve had a productive day, power hosed the decking and I’ve spruced up all my indoor plants, some were looking a bit tired so I’ve repotted and clipped them, some have new pots that I bought yesterday.its amazing the difference. They look lovely now.

I’m off for an evening stroll with the dog, children are away tonight at their cousins and the house is quiet. Normally DP and I would be drinking by now but I’m being productive instead.

Hope everyone is doing ok.

All good here ladies. I’ve been on the treadmill tonight. Only managed 30 minutes but better than nothing. DH is still away and the house is peaceful. It’s nice being able to watch what I want on tv and not have to sit with him drinking all evening.

Coming here because it’s one of the only places I can be honest. Last night I blacked out. This is happening almost every time I drink now, which is a very bad sign. My DH can’t even tell when I’m drunk, but my kids can.

Last night I tripped and fell while holding our two year old son. There’s no way I would’ve tripped if I hadn’t been drinking. That was my last memory of last night. DH said our DS didn’t get hurt and that I was very upset about it, but the truth is; I’m not being a good mom when I’m drinking. I have to say it.

Not drinking is literally the least I could do to improve the lives of my family and myself.

Trying to be hopeful but I just feel like shit. Disappointed in myself and freaking angry that I am an alcoholic.

May I ask what SEN is? Our two year old son has speech and social delays, I suspect he’s on the Autism spectrum but we will have to get an evaluation. DH feels “bad” for him, but he’s such a wonderful little guy. I don’t feel bad for him at all. What he lacks in verbal ability he makes up for in numerical recognition. The social things can be learned. He’s very affectionate with us and likes to play with his sisters so I am confident he will open up to others when he’s ready.

@SadMama87 I am sorry to read your update. Are you ready to try again? Does your husband see you as an alcoholic? I still don’t think I was/am but I certainly had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. To be honest I couldn’t crack it by myself. I just couldn’t 😢 I needed the accountability of a group setting in real life. I just allowed myself to go back to it otherwise. Making excuses or telling myself it wasn’t that bad. It was.

Here SEN stands for Special Educational Needs, which is a very wide term. It refers to children who need extra help at school predominantly. Otherwise you may see SN, Special Needs.

My DC has speech and language therapy, you might see it called SALT. They are waiting to be assessed for autism and ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). I suspect they will come out with a combined diagnosis, which is both impulsive and inattentive (short concentration). I think I mentioned upthread I suspect I also have ADHD.

There’s so many of us neurodivergent people who use alcohol as a coping mechanism 😓. It works!!! Shuts off my brain and helps me relax. I have ADD and my insurance refuses to pay for me to get an ASD eval, but I suspect I have what used to be called Asperger’s.

Are you going to AA? I have tried on and off. I would try “celebrate recovery” if there were meetings close to me. It feels like I have no time to even get sober. I go to school all day and come home to do chores and take care of children. Then do it all again.

@AFmammaG huge congrats on 100 days. Am so proud of / for you. This is huge. It gets so much easier from this point.

Well done on 8 weeks @Cantdoitalll - keep going. You are doing amazing.

@Woollygreymittens - I found the sleep gradually improved over time. No magic bullet and the menopause in my case hasn’t helped. But the night time fears and racing heart is a distant memory now.

@SadMama87 I am so sorry to read your update. so what is your plan. Because you sound like you have hit rock bottom and literally now the only way is up. I hear you about being busy. Have you tried hypnotherapy? I found it to be effective. Quick 20 minutes before bed and only used it once or twice. You need to find a way through this because I promise you, you will feel so much better. My kids have so much more respect for me, and I can see the pity when DH drinks too much. I was pretty much a bottle a night person at least (much more on a social occasion) and frequently forgot what I did. I am now heading for 600 days dry. Literally have no regrets and I don’t miss it.

Sorry if that sounds like a lecture but I am worried about you and want to help.

@SadMama87 I hope you’re ok tonight.
You have the power to change things, you want to change things. And you will! I have been where you are, I have been so drunk I don’t remember putting my little ones to bed. I always just seemed a little tipsy to my DP but the next day, I had forgotten huge chunks of the evening.

Have a plan.

Write a list of reasons to stop. Go to it to remind yourself of your goals.

Will your DH help you? The first few days are the toughest but we are all here to help you.
I know it’s really hard, we have all had multiple attempts at stopping, it’s not linear and there will be bumps in the road. Don’t beat yourself up - use this as your moment to realise that change is needed.

You are stronger than you think, even if it’s just taking it hour by hour, day by day, you can do this.

Not at all!! I appreciate your concern and care. I will try hypnotherapy tonight. My DH has his own issues with alcohol and I’ve forced him to stop with me before, but our relationship suffered immensely. I have to do this on my own. I told him that I black out almost every time I drink and he made excuses for me and made excuses for me tripping last night (while holding our toddler).

I am listening to a sober podcast and drinking a ton of water.

Thank you @Cantdoitalll I am taking care of myself. I showered and let my DH I wouldn’t be cooking (I typically drink while making dinner). Now I’m cuddling my toddler and just relaxing.

Making dinner is one of my trigger points too.

I cook in the mornings now, and batch one day a week. It’s really helped.
You’re off to a great start 👏

I told him that I black out almost every time I drink and he made excuses for me and made excuses for me tripping last night (while holding our toddler)
@SadMama87 you know why he is making the excuses? Because he doesn’t want to stop. And if you do, it makes him look bad. I know you said in your post you are just going to focus on you but please, please do. It’s really hard when you are with someone who still drinks to excess and more so when they normalise that. You can’t make him want to stop with you. I know you said your relationship suffers when you stop drinking but maybe that is short term? Longer term you may see positive changes.

You asked whether I went to AA. No, but I signed up to a similar programme here in the UK and I got myself a sober companion. She’s great, she’s actually still drinking (!) but that hasn’t derailed me because you know what? She’s supported me every day. Always answered messages. Always given some advice. Sympathised. Shared. Agreed. Validated. Honestly, the fact she hasn’t managed sobriety yet hasn’t mattered… just having that support has made such a difference for me. She’s cheering me on and I’m trying to do the same for her. I’ve been totally honest with her, shared my background and struggles. A bit like free counselling but from a normal person who says it like it is. It’s made all the difference.