Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

Hello, all. Big hugs to everyone here, some of you are dealing with such massive issues and I really hope things get better.

I came on a week or so ago feeling sick and stressed because I had made a report to childrens services/SS about my ex drinking around the kids. They did speak to him and he denied and minimised it and tried to make a counter accusation against me, but the SW saw through it and it sounds like they were quite firm with him.

He responded by being very quiet and withdrawn to the point of extreme awkwardness with one of the kids (the eldest, is it was them that raised the concerns) when he had them again. They were very upset. Things have calmed since and he seems better with them.

I also found out that when they were on holiday with him and his family some of his family members were trying to encourage the eldest to try some alcohol and telling them how it was 'normal' in France to have it with dinner etc. I feel like they are trying to normalise drinking and quite upset by this.

Glad SW saw through him. I was pretty sure they would. Horrible that he took his feeling out on the children, but as we all know, alcoholics say and do dickish things, and other than keeping them away from him completely -which may well hurt them too -it is hard to protect them. Just keep doing what I expect you're doing and tell your eldest they did the right thing.

Thank you. I think they wish they hadn't told now, which is sad. It's heartbreaking that the eldest is now experiencing behaviour from him that I experienced. The whole friendly facade with the outside world and then much more withdrawn with them in particular.

So I posted a couple of days ago about my friend. I took her to rehab this morning.
Amazingly, and thankfully, somewhere deep down she knew she needed help so she rang them yesterday.
She’s been in before back in January so they agreed to have her in at 9am this morning.
I offered to drive her, and a mutual friend came for support.
The most gut wrenchingly sad sight met us at 8.30am, as she had no recollection of any of this and was surrounded by bottles.
So I packed for her, coaxed her into my car, still clutching wine, and took her in.
There was confusion, resistance, exhaustion. Those who work in rehab have the patience of saints.
I feel so relieved she’s in a safe place.
For now.
Who knows what the future holds.
I’ve no idea whether she’ll lose her job, her partner (at end of his tether), or kids (currently with ex H). But for now she’s safe.
I understand it will take so much courage for her to get through this. And I’m in awe of anyone who has beaten this. It’s cruel, life changing and devastating.
Such a long road ahead.

They will detox her first. That will help with the resistance and confusion. After that she'll have to do the work. It's encouraging that she's chosen rehab.

I ended up sending DH a series of WhatsApp messages starting with "do YOU think you're an alcoholic?"

He said "yes but it's the lesser of two evils at the moment" (unsure if he was referring to heavy duty paulinkillers or previous suicide attempts).

I very clearly said that he has been a alcoholic for the whole time I have known him and that I have run out of capacity. I said I was under no obligation to watch him drink himself to death. He said he knew he had increased recently.

By the time I got home an hour later he had researched how to give up from that level and started making a plan. This was on Sunday. He is waiting for a call back from GP today (when he did the online form arlier on the week it wouldn't let him make an appointment without talking to a medic as complex issues so he has that call booked this afternoon/evening).

Tentatively positive but I am under no illusions! He has NEVER admitted to having a drinking problem before so this feels quite significant. But I suspect he still thinks he can cut down rather than stop completely.

I feel lighter now we have had a really clear conversation. I've drawn a line and let go of the responsibility.

One thing that is clear from this thread is how amazing you all are. You give so much support and respect to the addicts in your lives.

You've done a really powerful thing here. Even if it doesn't work (and I really hope it does!), you've set a boundary and made your position clear - you won't be his carer if he drinks himself into that state. Well done.

That seems positive, remember though to let him do the workThanks for the kind words. Sometimes I think we’re such cynical old hands that it must be hard to listen to for people still believing they can fix their person .

It's a huge relief to set a clear boundary. It's not my.job to do any of it. I had to really fight myself not to remind him to contact the GP. It was helpful to have my own secret time limit! I think that so few people get fixed that its not so much cynical as realistic. I'm often required to support children of addicts as part of my job and we have had 2 parents die of alcoholism this year. I suspect that has rather strengthened my resolve.

@Nogoodusername mine too. I have another mn name but this is my safe space drunk dh name - some may recognise me due to my style of writing but ……

it really is hard to detach. I tried for years and kept hoping like @MamaBear81 that things would improve but even now after 18mths of me kicking him out, he still drinks and lies

I think it was you mama who said about stopping dd from seeing her dad. I get the same. Dd is 8. She does love seeing him when sober and enjoys spending time with him

but equally when away she doesn’t miss or text him which annoys him and he’s sent her sad face texts and I’ve had to pull him up on it and said don’t.

which makes me a controlling cunt apparently

he is full of shit and tells so many lies to people

I just need to save and sort out divorce now

Again this is so similar to me. Are you my twin?

it is it just all alcoholics are the same and can kids get out of the cycle

yet I see some can. Friends dh did. He’s 4yrs sober and what dh should be - he met dh in AA. I met her as wanted help and advice and she’s now a close good friend.

call her my silver lining as if dh wasn’t a drunk I wouldn’t have met her

but he’s dh has lost

home
family as in his as many don’t care now
marriage

family as in me and dd
seeing dd every day
job
van as couldn’t afford it
health due to drinking

yet still drinks and lies

@StosbyNillsAndCash wtf. His family are trying to get the kids to try booze. Don’t they see the damage of what their son I assume is doing when drinking

they are enabling him

His family don't see a problem. They used to treat me like a daughter, but now he has basically told them that I left him for no reason and they have closed ranks.

A couple of weeks ago I reached out to one of his siblings telling them that my eldest had come to me with concerns about his drinking. The response was basically "I don't see that much of him and I haven't noticed him drinking excessively. Maybe ask someone closer to him". I was gobsmacked. This is a child (their nephew/neice) who they supposedly love and care about.

You can only do what you can. It’s great DS told you and that you have that relationship

all the time dh family enable him he will drink and lie

boundary’s are good. Set them and stick to them

we can’t fix them. How ever much we want to and want them to stop drinking

only they can make that decision

The fucking GP have sent him an appointment instead of doing the phone appointment. He was so upset he nearly cried. Had obviously geared himself up to having a very significant conversation. Worst thing is that the appointment is in 2 weeks.

That’s crap - can you call mon and say you/he’s needs one that day. Say why on the phone

Ex DP asked to come visit DD this evening.
He arrived sober. After an hour or so, I started noticing a change in his voice, his eyes started glazing over.. i waited for him to go to the toilet, and took a mouthful of the glass of orange squash he was drinking - it was basically pure vodka. Of course, he denied it when confronted, even though I told him I’d tasted it.

@Penguinsandspaniels he's going to call first thing on Monday. I'm not back at work until Tuesday so can be there while he does it. In the meantime the levels of drinking remain the same.

Do you feel able to tell him to leave if he does this? If not, I would advise against any more home visits from him - public places only, where you can walk away if there's any indication he has been drinking.

Don't let him back in your home @MamaBear81. Nothing has changed. He's still drinking and still lying about it.

@pointythings yes I told him to leave. He refused a few times, but eventually left when I told him I would call the police to have him removed. I’m just so angry that he had the nerve to sneak vodka into my home and proceed to drink it right under my nose, thinking I would be too stupid to notice. Even more angry about the gas lighting, trying to make out that I have issues with paranoia and I’m the one who needs help.. Lying to my face saying he wasn’t drinking, even though he knew I had tasted it. He arrived sober but was drunk by the time he left 2 hours later. Slurring his words. It makes me sick that he did this while visiting our DD at MY home! He has absolutely zero respect for any boundries.

@Thefellowship remember it's up to him what happens now. You don't need to be there when the phone call happens and if it doesn't happen that's his choice.

Part of this is just a thing alcoholics do. Their addiction rules them completely. And it tells them that yes, people around them are stupid and that no, they won't notice if they bring in drink and sneak it under people's noses. Because if they don't do that, the addiction isn't in control.

My late husband went through exactly the same thought process when I caught him after I'd been away overnight. DC and I went to London (for something he had zero interest in) and he got in a big bottle of vodka (1.5 litres), and when we got back on the Sunday he had drunk the lot and was visibly, noticeably drunk. I asked him straight away if he had been drinking. He said no. That was divorce decision made, not because of the drinking because relapse is a normal part of recovery, but because of the lies. In a3 way, they can't help themselves.

But this doesn't mean you have to put up with it, and you absolutely did the right thing. Good stuff.

@pointythings the lies are worse than the act of drinking. He wants me to believe he wants to change, he’s going to appointments and taking medication (which he seems to be immune to) and asked me to support him as a friend. But how can I possibly support someone who isn’t even honest about their drinking? .. the only reason I took a mouthful of his drink when he went to the toilet was because I could see him changing, going from sober to drunk right in front of my eyes, while visiting DD. It was very noticeable.
Yet he still denied it (with his slurred words) when I told him I had tasted it and tipped it down the sink. This is the first time in months I’ve allowed him to visit DD at our home, it’s always been in public places and he has been sober.. which is what fooled me into thinking he wouldn’t ask to see her if he was drinking, and therefore felt safe enough to allow him to our home. I just don’t understand why he would turn up sober, but bring drink with him and proceed to get drunk during the visit. I don’t know wether I’m more angry with him for doing it, or myself for allowing him to come here and trusting he wouldn’t be drinking. One thing I do know though is that he won’t be setting foot back in my house again.

Bloody hell @MamaBear81 that’s outrageous. You just wonder what on earth was going through their heads sometimes. Like why on earth would he ask to see your DD, turn up sober, and then drink vodka at yours. What’s even the point, if you take away the whole insanity of it.

What medication is he on? Mine was on naltrexone, also seemingly immune to it.