Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

Bless you
it’s amazing what we do when in love

Thanks @pointythings I'm not in the UK but if I was nearby I would definitely come along! I've looked up SMART, it does seems more up my street but meetings are only online where I am. I think the real life meetings are what I need right now and the times are more workable for me so I think I'll give Al Anon another chance and see how I get on. Failing that I'll try SMART, thank you for the signposting

I feel so miserable and sad today. Perhaps now that I have blocked my ex on everything and am not getting the blame and anger messages. But I just hate addiction. It’s so cruel and it’s desperate watching it strip someone of everything they used to be and used to have. I barely recognise the man my ex had become from two years ago to today. He even looks different facially. He is mean, woeful, self pitying, endlessly depressed, self obsessed, erratic and resentful. I have hoped and had hope crushed more times than I can count. I am sick of living on eggshells. I am sick of feeling scared and paranoid. Every rock bottom that I thought would be a rock bottom wasn’t. The only rock bottom has been for me. Where I just couldn’t live this half life anymore. I know and understand the 3Cs but I still feel like I failed.

Oh bless you. It is hard seeing the man you love destroy his self

you have not failed

you no doubt tried everything. Like I did

but the lure of booze is too much for some 💐💐

I could have written the above in how dh looks and behaves

a shell of the man I loved so much

was fit and own business - now a pile of bones and doesn’t eat properly and lost weight due to no pancreas due to alcohol abuse - will be on tablets for rest of his life

so much woe is me - how ill he is. Joe unfair life is. How poor he is surviving on uc

but I don’t feel down - just happy that dc and I aren’t with him anymore

kicking him out what the best thing ever

tho I didn’t feel like I do now at the time. I was distraught and kept thinking he would change and life go back to normal and be a family

but after so many blips and drinking and starting steps again etc - I just had enough

almost 18mth on I’m happy - prob was around the 6/8mth mark and knew when I found him drinking again that I had made the right choice

no more eggshells

and hard being the sole parent

but life is better. No more what if he’s drunk. Shouts. Hiding bottles

I think I said before that I thought dh has hit rock bottom losing

me
marriage
family
seeing kids everyday
job
vehicle
health
money as paid for it all

but nope. Still drinks and lies. I will end up burying him but I’m almost blase now as he killed my love for him

@Nogoodusername in my RL group we always say 'everything you feel is valid'.

What you have done by finally and fully cutting him off is enabled yourself to start the grieving process. It's hard and it's painful. It's also inevitable. You will come out on the other side and life will be better. Until then you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and getting through life one day at a time.

Grieving for someone you have lost is a normal human response. You got together with this man in good faith. No doubt you had good times - those were real. Allow yourself to grieve for the man he was, not the man he became. And try not to beat yourself up with what ifs and if onlys.

I can’t tell you how much I need to hear a time line, that there will be a day where I am mainly relieved and not grieving any more.

my ex has lost:
wife
family home
me
seeing his kids at all (he did have 50/50, then it went down to no overnights, then supervised after a social services referral, now currently nothing at all as the requirement is a negative breathalyser first and he of course can’t do that)
health
business
finances (burned through his divorce settlement money because he can’t work because his clients don’t trust him any more - reeks of booze, made mistakes in projects)
his siblings cut contact
various friends had to move on after trying and failing to support him

and still not rock bottom. Still drinking. Still lying. Still blaming everyone else and picking out everyone else’s flaws and failings.

I fear rock bottom will be death

they sound very similar to each other

dh doesn’t always drink. Can be sober for a few Days possible week /weeks but then down the rabbit hole again

you will get there. I did

you will stop blaming yourself as you will know that you did everything to support and forgive - like I did / then reliese eventually they won’t change and you need to think of yourself and kids

but it’s hard and I understand. As sure we all do on this thread

I so empathise and recognise what you are all saying.
My STBEH lost (due to drinking and lying):

wife (me)
regularly seeing his kids
the respect and trust of his older teen kids
His liscence and car
marriage and family life
lots of money he wasted
suspended from work

Then he went for a walk with our son and took him to his local pub where he clearly knew everyone

what do they think? Mad

Hello, I haven't posted for a while but I do read this thread a lot.

I'm feeling a bit strange lately. I left my ex around this time last year so I have a lot of feelings looking back.

One of the things that floats around my head is that my situation was not "that bad" compared with others. My ex would drink more than was healthy and was trying to hide it and deny it, drinking every night, but he never got violent or shouty. He was getting increasingly covertly controlling and manipulative in other areas though.

The kids still adore him, and he has them 50/50. But I know he drinks around them most evenings when he has them, which is something I need to flag up with someone.

But I do wonder whether I left "too soon" and could have helped? It was slowly destroying me inside though. And there were other issues. I knew there are people close to my ex who either probably think I made too much of a fuss or they don't believe that he is a drinker.

I think I'm just feeling down and rambling but it feels helpful to get it down here.

Mine lost:
Wife
Job
Any contact or relationship with his kids
Home
Family life
Friends
Hobbies
Health
Life

He never stopped drinking.

Please try not to do this to yourself. What your ex was doing was bad enough that you couldn't live with it. OK, so he has a decent relationship with his kids (so far) - that's good. You are vigilant in case his alcohol abuse spills over into affecting their safety. Now is the time to start believing you did what you needed to do for your own sanity and wellbeing, and start enjoying your life again.

@StosbyNillsAndCash how old are your dc ?

I had to stop overnight care/stays due to dh drinking when dc with him

I would never forgive myself if something happened to dc while in his care/drinking

i breathalyse him at drop off and collection.

only way I know how to protect dc

he has dc 6hrs or so on a Sunday

And no you didn’t leave too soon / you were prob like me and didn’t leave soon enough

hoping one more time he would stop drinking

They are 12 and 7. The 7 year old adores him. 12 year old loves him but knows about the drinking and is starting to hate the smell. I think if he knew that I knew the 12 year old knew he'd be very very unhappy.
12 year old doesn't want their dad to know that they've told me :(

my dd was the same - she was scared to tell me as she knew what I would do and say

but she did tell me. Thank god. I told her what a good girl she was and they yes daddy shouldn’t drink and I was so proud of her telling me

stop the over nights

which I did - I had to. To make sure dc was safe

dd does adore him but equally she’s got to the stage that she doesn’t like him drunk. Doesn’t like the smell

we found countless bottles around the house - he was drinking when I was at work and he was in ‘charge’

I know you don’t went to hear this , but you need to tell your eldest you know dh drinks and that they cant stay there

you are enabling him to carry on - sorry. I know it’s horrible to read - I did the same For years

Alcoholism often leaves us trying to find the least shitty option out of a whole bunch of very shitty choices. I split up with my ex because of her drinking and we did 50:50 for a while. One night while our DCs were with her my 8yo DS called me in a panic as his mum was unconscious on the floor and he couldn't wake her up. I went round, discovered she was pissed out of her mind, found out it wasn't the first time it had happened, and things spiralled from there. It was awful.

If you're wavering, imagine this: you're sat in a child protection conference with the head teacher of the school your children go to and various senior members of social services etc. They're there to decide whether or not your children need to go on the At Risk register due to your ex's alcoholism. They say to you "You knew your ex has an alcohol problem. Why did you let your young DCs stay overnight?" Because I've been in that meeting and I've been asked that question and believe me, you really don't want to be there.

@HowardTJMoon

"Alcoholism often leaves us trying to find the least shitty option out of a whole bunch of very shitty choices."

This sums it up exactly.

I think he will deny and minimise the drinking to be honest, but I need to be brave and speak to someone. I also suspect he will try counter accusations (there's nothing that I do, I don't even smoke, but I think he would possibly try or try and make out that I am being vindictive). So it's horrible because it's not as simple as "He has a drinking problem" there's other manipulative issues too.

Thank you all for listening/reading. Getting the strength to leave him and set up a new home for myself and the kids and manage all the divorce admin has been exhausting. I think I have another tough journey ahead.

Oh he denys it. Was wankederd last weekend and thankfully 4 adults other then me , saw and smelt and heard him

usually it’s just me and I sound like the bitter ex saying he’s drinking while he’s saying he isn’t

others say - well we’ve never seen him didn’t

I reply. No one sees him drink but the empty bottles don’t appear like magic

so nice other heard smelt saw it etx

yes tell the school. I did the day I kicked him out and why

they have been great over the last 18mths and keep an eye on dd and said I did the right thing in telling them

I was scared at dd being put on the at risk register and they did say if I hadn’t of told them myself / she may have been

but I did the right thing. He isn’t in the house anymore. He doesn’t have overnight care and I told them

i do enough safe guarding i my job that i know if dc said daddy drinks to school - it would send up huge red flags

I think if he knew that I knew the 12 year old knew he'd be very very unhappy. I wouldn't give a rat's arse about his unhappy feelings in that situation. If he is drunk in charge of the children they aren't safe with him. Just do what you need to do to protect them-and don't worry about what he says about you, just treat any lies with the contempt they deserve. Channel your rage. How dare he get drunk when he is meant to be looking after young children?

I think if he knew that I knew the 12 year old knew he'd be very very unhappy.

His feelings don't matter in this. Your 12yo's feelings are key in this. You've handled it well by not panicking and making hasty decisions - in staying calm, you have enabled her to keep talking to you. She's old enough for you to explain to her in neutral language that alcohol can affect a person's judgement to the point where they may not make the best decisions for any children they are caring for, and that she should always feel she can contact you if she feels that she or her broher are unsafe. By maintaining a neutral position, you are her safe place and you are not pushing her into a position of undeserved loyalty towards her father. It's a balancing act. You're doing it well.

@pointythings that's exactly it. She's very sensitive and if I go storming in then she'll stop telling me things, it's very delicate.

It's not exactly that I'm considering his feelings, it's that I'm worried and scared about what he'd do if he knew. Someone confronted him about his drinking last year (not in an overly confrontational way) and he had a huge panic attack. Also, last time I mentioned it to him he shouted me down.

Are they worried staying there ? Esp the younger one

do you think they are safe ? Say younger one wakes up and dad is drunk /doesn’t wake easily

for me once I could prove and knew for sure he was drinking I told him and stopped the nights

he sent a few shitty texts but didn’t contest it more as knew he was in the wrong

No, they haven't told me they feel unsafe, they would be absolutely devastated if they couldn't stay with him. If they felt differently then it would be completely different.

Hi all,

I hope it is OK to join in here as I am also on the other side of the coin - I've had my own issues with alcohol. I have been mainly sober since Sept 2019 which a few 'slips' but in what I would describe as recovery since Nov 2024 which is when I started getting counselling.

So..... my mum. Where do I start. But she is actually going to end up dying from this. I live about a 2hr drive away. I was down in my home town for a family occasion yesterday. She needed to be taken home, not drunk, but clearly in withdrawal. She does have genuine medical issues - which I think were caused by alcohol. But she was shaking violently and dry wrenching which she claims it fluid on her lungs but no doctor ever seems to come to that conclusion either. But they are 'wrong'

I knew by her texts she had been drinking over the weekend and I could hear it in her voice when we spoke on the phone. 'I'm just so tired' 'this isn't like me' (it is exactly like her!!!!!!)

I've posted on MN about her before under different names. Basically she had me, send me to live with her parents, she stayed in the city, I saw her 4ish times per year (2 she came home, 2 I went to her + step dad), didn't see my dad from 2yrs on. When I was 12 she decided she wanted me to live with her.

That's when the 'fun' started. She got me drinking alco pops, by 14 I was drinking regularly. By 15 I was in night clubs with a 33 year old 'boy' friend. Step dad kicked us out one night so we went to a hotel and got pissed, I was about 15. He was also in active alcohol addiction. He never raped me but there was S.A. and a heck of a lot of emotional abuse, neglect and the odd bit of physical abuse (from her). They used me as their go between.

They both had good professional jobs, he is dead now. She is still in a good job.

He would sit in the living room, she would sit in the kitchen. Both getting progressively more drunk. I was allowed in both rooms, but had to eat alone in at the dining table. No friends were allowed over. I didn't know it was not normal for your parents to get shit face drunk each night, pass on a chair in the kitchen and occasionally piss themselves. Then I would get in trouble for letting her drink so much. Or for letting her eat too much. Also that if I had not been born she would have been able to meet a better man and have the 4 children she always dreamed of having and a beautiful house.

He would say don't eat that or you will be a fat bitch and no one will want you. He thought eating wasn't really necessary and judged me if I did eat. He started taking me out to pubs when I was 15/16 and would tell men things like 'they couldn't afford me' but also get really mean and jealous calling me a dirty little slut if I did go out with someone.

Sorry this is ending up really long!!

When I got her home yesterday, I knew she didn't want me in the house so I said I'd go to Tesco for some basics and be back. It gave her time to clean up the drink I am sure was out. I could smell it.

Why do I still feel so responsible for her?