Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

Block him on the work account too, if you can. Start keeping a log of this stuff too.

If he can email he can’t be that bad - ignore

I have just found this thread having started my own one yesterday about my DH finally admitting he is an alcoholic. I hope it's OK to join this thread?

I am feeling so overwhelmed and emotional and scared today about what lies ahead. I am already quite burnt out by general busy family life/work etc and starting to panic about finding the resilience and mental health for supporting DH through this while protecting the DC. I am planning to contact Al Anon but I'm at home on my own with the DC all day so realistically it will be tomorrow on my lunch break at work before I will be able to ring them and struggling to hold it together right now 😢

I remember reading your thread - you got some excellent advice. Welcome to the corner of Mumsnet where the partners and relatives of alcoholics come for support - this is your safe place. You can say anything here and we will understand.

Seeking real life support is an excellent idea. I also fully understand why you want to give your husband the chance to turn things around.

But be ready. Start thinking about where your boundaries lie - what will you put up with from him, what will you not? Also bear in mind that life with an alcoholic parent is incredibly damaging for children, and if your husband cannot turn things around, you may have to face difficult choices.

Don't let him minimise things. He needs professional help and support to overcome his addiction. If he seems to be backing away from that, it's a red flag.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Thank you so much pointythings. I think the realisation has suddenly come crashing down on me just how much minimising we have both been doing and I'm ashamed to say how much I have minimised the impact on the DC. And the way that I have been treated and have somehow gaslit myself into thinking it was OK.

I'm also feeling a lot of anger this evening. I spoke to him about how emotional and overwhelmed I was feeling today and he was just short of rolling his eyes and said but I've admitted it isn't that what you've wanted me to do? I don't think he for a second has considered the impact it has had on the rest of us and that stings. I have a lot of soul searching to do to as you said decide where my boundaries lie. I feel like I'm counting down the hours until I can ring Al Anon at lunch tomorrow. I just need to get through the morning first. I have a busy public facing job, the last thing I feel like doing is being "on" and talking to people. I am sick of putting on a pretence that everything is OK.

That isn't a good reaction from him. Mine did that too: told me he had admitted there was a problem and essentially demanded that I stop talking about it. He also tried to wriggle out of doing rehab (not that it worked for him, but still).

Don't let him silence you. That's a sign that he has no intention of stopping.

It does have me worried. I spoke to a wonderfully kind lady today when I rang Al Anon. She was so helpful and so patientwhen i got upset on the phone. There is a group near me tomorrow that I'm going to attend. I'm doing my best to try build my own support network. It's a lonely place to be.

It is a lonely place to be, I agree. You have taken the first step towards breaking that loneliness by reaching out to Al-Anon, and by posting here. Your next step is to tell your family, if you are confident of finding support. Addiction thrives on secrecy. Your husband won't like it if you speak openly about his drinking, but his drinking is having an impact on you and your entire family, therefore you have every right to seek family support.

I talked about my situation at work as well - I got incredible support. Towards the end of the relationship, when my husband was incredibly unwell and having suicidal ideation, I was able to get carer leave for him. After he died, I had a combination of compassionate and annual leave that allowed me to do the necessary sorting out of things I needed to do without having to worry about work. If you're in a work situation where you can get that kind of support, use it. You have the right to talk about things that affect you. You do not have to suffer alone just because your husband might be embarrassed. He made the choice to drink to excess after all.

I’m still really struggling with harassment from my ex. 10 emails to my work account yesterday morning (work have now blocked), and 3 voicemails now. There is no acknowledgment in any of them that I ended the relationship and asked him not to contact me again because I wasn’t prepared to put up with the angry and resentful verbal abuse anymore. He’s mad at me for blocking him, for ruining his life etc.

@FifteenApples sadly addicts don’t think about the impact their have on our lives or the dc

i rem yelling at dh saying he was destroying my love. Our marriage etc - didn’t make a diff

hopefully your dh has got the right motivation to stop drinking. My dh didn’t - tho he said he was. Went to aa. But still drank but denied

took me a very long time to reliese that he wasn’t going to change and won’t ever stop drinking

I hope your dh will be the success story

no one wants to get divorced and Be a single parent but for me /dc honestly the best thing

@Nogoodusername If your ex is Abusive, and angry it is probably worth you getting in touch with Women’s Aid for advice on how to monitor and report if needed. They were very helpful for me.

If you haven't been able to block his voicemails, start keeping a log of the offensive messages. Be careful. Men can go.off the rails when they're dumped.

You may end up needing to change your number, however inconvenient that is.

It is classic abusive man text book when left. I just feel like such an idiot that I believed all his narrative of the controlling ex wife who left him. I’m resisting the urge to defend myself as I know he is currently deep in addiction (likely on 30 units per day) and has no grip on reality

I spent two years of hell with him trying to get him in and out of rehab, in and out of mental health support, keeping his business afloat, supporting him with legal and child contact proceedings.

I am such a fool. I was a total enabler

You're not a fool, you're a good person. It's very hard to see through an addict, because most of us aren't wired that way. That's why we stay too long. Set the guilt aside (took me years, but start that process now).

Absolutely you are not a fool. You will have done your utmost best to help and support your life partner. Alcoholism is a cruel thing that changes the people we love. I know I hoped until about 3 hours before mine just went too far. You have to recognise your strength to have held on for so long and then to have known you needed change. 🌹

I continued to hope even after my late husband was taken away by police. He ender up in a place of his own, wasn't drinking, was attending therapy. We were never going to get back together, but I hoped for good co-parenting and a rebuilding of his relationship with the kids. I think I abandoned hope the day I popped round to drop off some mail and saw the empties on his counter. I mentioned it; he minimised. That was the end.

Thank you. I want to give him this chance at least. If he cant stay sober and get appropriate treatment then I will be reconsidering my options and have told him that. Easier said than done I'm sure.

@Nogoodusername I am so sorry. I have no useful advice as I'm so early in this process but just offering a hand hold

I went to my first meeting today and not sure how to feel about it. I know Al Anon isn't affiliated with any religion or organisation but I just found all the mention of God really off putting. Organised religion makes me quite uncomfortable and I also wouldn't be a spiritual person so the alternative idea of a "higher power" that some people spoke of didn't resonate with me either. After I shared my story one of the older women commented that I don't have to stay in this situation and that young women nowadays do have choices. She was promptly cut off by another older lady clearly unhappy with this. There was a lot of talk of blame and acknowledging our blame in the situation. It just felt a bit...Catholic? (Not to insult anyone, I was raised Catholic, no longer practicing but it gave me vibes of sitting in mass when I was a child).

Then on the flip side I did feel the benefits of not feeling so alone. There was another newcomer there too whose situation was very similar to mine so I did take heart in that. It was also the first time I felt heard.

Overall I have come away with mixed feelings. I am going to give it a few weeks and see how I feel but I don't know if the ethos is necessarily the right fit for me. Maybe I can get past that. I do feel less alone but possibly more confused than I did beforehand. This is such a rollercoaster.

Al-Anon does have that religious foundation, and I have heard that many groups do put the emphasis on staying together. Anyone asking me to share blame would have seen me walk straight out.

The group I attended, which I now run, does none of that. If you're in Suffolk, join us. If not, consider SMART family and friends - they're a non religious science based alternative.

Same. Paid countless bills off for him

we live and learn

Oh my god…..you gave me flashbacks there….

You paid as well?

The only bill I paid for him was his electricity bill, but that was after he was dead. He hadn't bothered to set up a direct debit when he moved into his flat, because he hadn't done any of his own adulting for years. I did it all.

I am afraid so, trying so hard to maintain a semblance of normality and the perpetual hope that if I bought something that he wanted it would make him happy (lots of coercive control going on too)