Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

Another one who stayed and kept hoping till too late.

A small thing that happened this week. I had an old friend staying and I had opened a bottle of whisky. He had a small glass and I put the bottle away. He was in the house after I left for work, and in the evening when I got home I found myself going and checking the level in the bottle. A total reflex that shocked me, and then I remembered the anxiety that was my life. For many reasons I mourn, but I don’t regret saying enough was enough and separating from him.
🪴

Thank you @Kapowdee4 the driving drunk is terrifying. Anything could've happened. So sorry it came to that.
My partner didn't get stuck into the beers today so I managed to have a calm talk with him. He agreed with everything I said. How he described his view of his drinking screamed dependency, and he's using it to function. I'm not sure he sees it.
I told him he has to try some meetings, go to the GP, stick to therapy when we get back because I can't live with another chronic alcoholic. And that is the way it's going. I will leave. I will take the kids.
@Zebracat I definitely plan to do that. He knows he's bad. I don't think he realises how bad. The kids haven't really seen it yet but they will. My daughter is certainly sensing my mood when he's got to a certain stage. I remember that growing up, and I thought it was my fault.
@pointythings very good analogy on tackling this. It's the joint finances and nursery runs mostly I need his support on. Everything else I have covered. My job is dicey atm but I'll be ok. I'll get a new job if needs be. We bought our house 2 years ago, but I have more equity in it. I couldn't afford the mortgage and bills on my own. With some family help, I could possibly buy him
out.
I'm on a medical licence for driving, which means insurance is very expensive. My official diagnosis is still fairly new and in a year or so it won't be as high as long as I remain stable. I had an episode a couple of months ago so the letter from my consultant to the DVLA labelled me as a risk. Frustrating, but I have to accept it. I'm going to get an electric bike. It will help.
@Userccjlnhibibljn8 I've been doing that on holiday, and the last few weeks. I did it with my mum, and looking round the house to see if booze was stashed elsewhere. The tension I've felt the past week is Deja vu. I told him this as well. I can't live like that again. As you well know, it's horrible.

This resonates with me. I sort of forget because I have been moved out a while. But I used to be hyper aware of the bottle/s my husband had on the go, to the point of measuring levels and even making small notches in the labels of bottles so check it was the same one!

I don't miss that, but I expect it will haunt me in the same way in some unexpected way one day.

If my experience is anything to go by, it haunts you for life. Flashbacks can be triggered by the sight of a row of bottles in a pub! But I while it still affects me, it feels like a bad dream. It isn't my life now and I will never regret leaving.

I worry when my kids drink. Even though they are almost teetotal. It's a trauma response and I can mentally step back from it, but it's still there.

I still get phantom whiffs of alcohol and it stops my heart. My partner never drank in front of me, always in secret, so I turned into a paranoid bloodhound. I have no alcohol in the house and it’s just me and three children but I still think I can smell it when I walk into a room occasionally. It’s only when out of it I realise how on edge I was all the time. So sorry to anyone going through this. It’s exhausting.

Hi all. I’ve posted here before. Left my EXDP a couple of months ago due to his alcoholism and the chaotic, unstable and emotionally abusive environment it created for myself and DD(2) .. When I kicked him out his drinking got worse. He was practically never sober for an entire 2 months. Threatening suicide, trying to make me feel responsible for wether he lived or died, constant insults and constantly harassing me to give him “one last chance” (for the 100th time) ..
when he realised none of this was working this time, he did actually take it upon himself to seek help with our local community drug & alcohol team. He went to his assessment appointment on a Monday morning with the view to start disulfrum on the Friday.
By the Monday night he was drinking again, continued until the Wednesday then stopped on Thursday ready to start disulfrum the following day.
They wouldn’t prescribe it to him without someone signing a consent form to administer these tablets daily. I took on the responsibility because I stupidly thought he genuinely wanted the help, and wouldn’t be able to get it unless I was willing to monitor him taking the medication.
So every morning, I met with him, gave him his pill and made sure he swallowed it.
Fast forward two weeks, he drank on them yesterday. And has continued to drink today also. And the abusive messages etc have all started again.

I am so sorry.

But is this the point where you accept that you have done everything humanly possible to help, and that now it is time for you to walk away and care for yourself? Because it really needs to be. You cannot help him. You have given it your all. Now it's time to take your life back.

@pointythings i 100% agree.
When I agreed to sign that consent form, I was convinced he genuinely wanted help. Now I think it was just another manipulation tactic which he hoped would win me back.
I’m furious with him for being so irresponsible and drinking while taking that medication, knowing how dangerous that can be.. and knowing that I had taken the responsibility to administer them for him. How dare he put me in that position. And I’m furious with myself for being so gullible.
He was fortunate this time, he only had a fairly mild reaction as he had only been taking them for two weeks.
But if he was willing to risk it once, I have no doubt in my mind that he will again. And next time he might not be so lucky.
The fact that he drank on them has now led to me telling him i will no longer give him his medication, and if he wants to continue taking them he will need to find someone else willing to administer them.
Cue the abuse, because of course he’s always the victim and nothing is ever his fault.
It’s now my fault that he’s drinking again today, because I refuse to administer a medication that can be fatal if mixed with alcohol, knowing he is obviously willing to take that risk.

And you know that's the alcohol talking. It's always someone else's fault that they drink. Time to take your life back; block him on everything and walk away.

@MamaBear81 I have been in your position with the same result. It was so disappointing, but was just another in a long line of disappointments. None of this mess is your fault or responsibility. You have done your best. Leave him to get sober or not- it is entirely up to him. Don't allow him to abuse you. Consider yourself done.

@CharlotteByrde
No, I know it isn’t my fault.
I did used to fall for his guilt trips, but not anymore.
He’s saying it was “just a little blip”… as he has always done.
It’s always “a little blip” until the next one, and the one after that.
But he can’t accept it’s more than that to me. It was yet another betrayal of trust, another disappointment, another thing to add to the list of reasons i can’t rely on him, another example of how he still doesn’t prioritise his DD, still abusive when drunk, still tries to manipulate me into getting his own way..
It’s shown that things are still the same, just with some medication thrown into the mix.

@MamaBear81 you are seeing the situation so clearly now. You've come a very long way on the road to being free from life with an alcoholic. Keep going, we're all here for you.

Hi all. I posted on here a few times asking for advice. DH died at the weekend and ironically was sober. Just beyond devastated.

I am so sorry. People don't realise the damage alcohol can do. Everyone focuses on livers, but there's so much more.

I hope the knowledge that he was sober and trying brings you a little comfort and allows you to grieve without too many mixed feelings. I know it's hard because I was you 7 years ago. PM me if you need to.

@loverofpants So sorry, allow yourself to feel whatever you want. It is a devastating thing. (Another who has been there). X

Hi all. I think I posted on other thread under a diff name

dh is an alcoholic - we are not together anymore due to his drinking - I finally had enough of his lies and wanted better for our kids

he says he isn’t drinking. Goes to aa. Lies about silly stupid things but can’t be honest

he is still drinking due to his behaviour and things he says and does

some of aa believe him that he hasn’t had a drink

many know he is drinking

it’s the lies and deceit I won’t stand for anymore

since splitting up last year kids and I are happier

don’t reliese how much we were walking on eggshells

@Penguinsandspaniels it's so good to hear a success story! Well done getting yourself and your DC out of there. It's true, you don't realise how much impact an alcoholic in your life has until they are no longer there and you feel what normal is like. My OMG moment was 3 days after mine was removed by the police - my DC1 was in the shower and singing, which they would not have done with him in the house because he would have yelled to keep the noise down. That moment of simple happiness still gets me every time.

thank you. It was hard as I loved him and you want to believe they will stop

for the first few months I even thought we could try again if he stopped drinking

but he isn’t going to stop. Ever

taken me I think 12yrs to work this out

I gave him many chances and he kept starting again being sober , after his ‘blips’ but one day last year I had enough and said no more

helps that house was mine so kicked him out

i am lucky that i have a forever roof over the kids and I lives

it must be so much harder when a house is jointly owned

@loverofpants so sorry to hear that. You'll feel so many different emotions, and they're all perfectly valid. Take care of yourself. xx

Very glad for you and your kids @Penguinsandspaniels. It was always going to be hard, but you have done what you had to do for your own sake and your children's and it is wonderful that you are all happier for it.

It’s really hard to leave someone especially if you love them because you keep thinking they will change.

I’ll give you one more chance you know what , they won’t

and if they really will then maybe moving out leaving them will give them a kick up the arse they need and they can prove to you that yes they can stop drinking but honestly they probably won’t. It’s taking me a long time to realise this.

Yes, that famous 'rock bottom' that doesn't seem to exist for many alcoholics or they only hit when drink kills them.

It amazes me that even when a life threatening disease hits, an alcoholic can still be so determined to keep drinking regardless. At 77, after 3 different cancers, my sister still can’t get through a day without at least 2 glasses of wine.

I have always thought that the concept of rock bottom almost applies more to the addict's relatives than to the addict themselves. Rock bottom is when you as the spouse/relative/friend start to change your behaviours and protect yourself.