Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

hello, didn’t want to read and run. I have been there, and want to give you a big hug. You have been so brave to put this out here and articulate your feelings. Now you have to look after yourself and your children. Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to?

you are right the decision to change has to come from him.
It is a horrible thing and this is a place of people who understand. Rant away….🌼

@bumblenbean welcome, and I hope you find being here helpful. I know when I was with my alcoholic DH I felt very isolated and it was a relief when I found people online who had been in a similar situation. It's not so much that you'll be giving up and accepting defeat if you decide to split, but an acceptance that his drinking is not something over which you have any control. Whether he stops or not is entirely up to him and as long as he chooses not to do anything, you have to remove the focus from trying to help him, to doing what you need to do to make a safe and happy home for you and your kids. They don't need this awful drama playing out in their home. Even if they don't know daddy's drunk, they will be aware that things are not right, and that long term anxiety is terribly bad for them. I am so sorry. You're right, watching a loved one's decline is agonising.

Hu @bumblenbean , welcome to the thread. You're really right in the middle of it and I feel for you. I have walked every step that you are walking now and the first thing I would do is suggest you have a look at the AdFam website to look for support for yourself. You have us, but when it comes to coping with a loved one in addiction, more is more.

Given that you have spoken to your husband multiple times, that he has committed to change and not followed through, the question you need to ask yourself is: what do you want to happen in the event that he does not stop drinking?

You have two young DC - children who have an addict for a parent are at increased risk of addiction themselves. One of your DC has already seen their father injured through his drinking behaviour, so this is now serious. If your 6 yo mentions this at school, you may find yourself at the sharp end of safeguarding and investigation.

Only you can decide what to do, but you have already thought about leaving. And I think that given everything you have tried, it is what you should do. Start getting the ducks lined up, look for a good solicitor and get the ball rolling. Your DC are still young, you can save them from years of escalating misery.

@bumblenbean Im so sorry you are where you are.
After 5 years of conversations, hoping, supporting, crying, pleading, shouting, involving others, literally taking dxh to meetings and support, I had to finally realise that he wasn’t ready to change.
That doesn’t mean it’s the same inevitable journey for everyone but it has sadly felt inevitable for me. I now wish I had ended it for the kids earlier. Although they’re older teens now, my dd was worried about Dad drinking a bottle of wine at 3pm when she was 13. She had to tell me as I was at work.

Only HE can decide to change.

I still hold out a minuscule hope that he will one day do it and realise everything he’s done and lost but I’ve realised I can’t put my life on hold for what might ever happen.

Thinking of you

Hi @cranewife . I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I left my ex DP a couple of months ago after 3 years of pleading with him to get help. I realised that by staying with him, I was actually enabling him because he knew that no matter what he did, i would be there to pick up the pieces, and therefore had no real reason to change. After I left him, he finally took the steps to get help. He had his first appointment with the drug and alcohol team on Monday, with a view to starting disulfrum on Friday if he passes a breath and blood test to show he is alcohol free. Guess what - he was drinking again by Monday night.
Sometimes you have to think of yourself. Somebody being Ill isn’t a life sentence of chaos for you, unless you allow it.

@cranewife what needs to change to make leaving feel possible for you?

@cranewife and if he gets violent again will you be grateful it has only happened twice? I fully accept that ultimatums are a bad idea but I do think you need to start creating some boundaries.

@cranewife I forget - are there children in the midst of all this?

@cranewife hope is the most amazingly strong emotion, so I hope that what you wish for happens. But don’t lose yourself in the process (very easily said I know). Everyone here understands the crashing feeling of knowing that someone you hoped was sober has had a drink and the cycle starts again. 🌺

@cranewife im sorry if you feel unsupported by the responses. I quite understand that you love your husband, and want to have a future with him. But minimising violence doesn’t help either of you. It is serious, and you know that. I wish you all the good things , so I really hope that this was the last relapse, and everything gets better from now onwards. 💐

I lurked here for a long time, knowing that if I posted the advice would be to leave my husband. I didn’t want to hear that because I still had hope…..in the end something happened and events overtook me, and then I managed to stay strong, at times because I could post here and in other places in the small hours rather than succumbing to my deep desires to contact my husband and try to make things better …..the story ended tragically for him and I still wish I could have made him better, but the lightness I am starting to feel rather than eggshells and anxiety about his reactions to everything is confirming.
So, we are still here, if you want to share again sometime x

It wasn't. There are people in my RL support group who are still with their addict. We all know leaving isn't easy. If this is how you want to live, that is 100% your choice. But it is sad. You deserve better than a man who has 'only' been violent once.

@cranewife I hope you keep coming here. Online support can make such a difference when you're feeling isolated by a partner's addiction. We're not telling you what to do, so much as sharing our own experience. And if you want to stay with your DH, of course that's entirely up to you. But living with an alcoholic can be terribly hard on one's own mental health so do try to take care of yourself.

I’ve just found this thread and thought I’d join in for some ideas/support hopefully.

I suspect this won’t be brief, but I’ll try not to bore you. I have 2 sisters (and a brother) who are both being treated for cancer currently. Both live abroad so I don’t get to see them very often, once or twice a year. My eldest sister (77) has been an alcoholic for most of her life since turning to drink in her 20s when she went through a difficult divorce. She’s been drinking ever since, through an abusive partnership which ended when her partner died, and has reduced the amount she drinks but has never given up. In the past 7/8 years she has been treated for lung, liver and breast cancer and is currently waiting for test results to see where she stands now.

I consider that we have a close relationship, although she’s a lot older than me, she’s godmother to one of my sons and loves my (adult) children dearly. She’s very religious (which I gave up many years ago). All my siblings and I are in contact and try to support each other, but we all have very different lives.

My sister is rude when she’s had a drink. She’s rude to me and to her very patient, quiet and kind partner. She has few friends. I remember once when my son was little she was aggressive towards him on one occasion and I didn’t say anything, but I remember deciding that I wouldn’t put him in that situation ever again. The last time I saw her was a few months ago, she was rude about my weight - I had put on weight due to heart medication I’m taking. She was also nasty and aggressive to her partner about something trivial and he didn’t respond. As on previous occasions, rather than confronting her, I decided not to visit again for a while because I would stay at their house and then have to witness her drinking and resulting behaviour. She has asked me to visit again while she’s in the UK having tests. I have never said anything about her drinking - it’s like we all know it happens and pretend it doesn’t and, being the youngest sibling, I’m still treated as the baby of the family and don’t confront her as she’s the eldest and is treated with deference and respect, mostly.

She’s having a tough time obviously, with her treatment, and I want to support her, but I don’t want to confront her and upset her as she has few people in her life already, but I wish she knew how much her behaviour hurts the people she cares about.

@whattodoforthebest2 I think you probably know that your sister isn't going to change - so it's up to you to protect yourself from her excesses. You don't have to put up with rudeness and nasty remarks just because she has cancer (and alcohol is carcinogenic, especially in large amounts...)

When she comes to the UK, don't stay with her - get yourself a hotel or an AirBnB so you can retreat. If that means spending less time with her, let that be so.

And when she starts being nasty, you get up, you tell her politely that her behaviour is not acceptable and so you are leaving. And then you leave. She's had a lifetime of people putting up and not giving her consequences. She needs some, and you need to not be around her when she is intoxicated and angry - it benefits nobody.

Thank you for your comments - it’s really appreciated and you’re right, she does need consequences. Fortunately I don’t have to deal with it now as she’s leaving to go back home and I’m abroad seeing my other sister. It’ll be a few months before I see her again, but I will do as you suggest and stay elsewhere, then I can just up and leave if/when she gets obnoxious.

Found this thread this morning and would like to join.

I'm teetotal pretty much 3 years now. I was diagnosed with a couple of mental health disorders in 2022 after a horrible experience with SSRIs which had me drinking to crazy levels. Before that, I did enjoy my wine and cocktails. My partner also enjoyed his beers. We were mutually worried about our drinking, or so I thought, and he suggested SMART. I ended up doing it in my own and it really helped me, the woman leading the group even helped me get on the pathway to to getting my diagnosis because she spotted a few flags from first meetings.

Anyway, my partners drinking has now escalated to daily. When he goes out with others, or on his own, it's worse. We're currently on holiday and he spent the the first 4 days drinking all day and being quite horrible to me and reacting to everything I did, a look, breathing etc. it was all a comment or attack to him. We had bad news from home when we arrived and were were both upset. I don't think feel it was an excuse to drink all day.

Tbh, I was ready to leave him (I often think this way tbh, I'm not good with difficult situstions) but we have 2 young children, 4 and 8 months, financially tied and I'm on Mat leave. He has improved since then but he's still drinking a lot. I'm struggling to handle it. He doesn't see how it's affecting him but I do. My mum was an alcoholic, any kindness she had in her was totally eroded by alcohol. I don't want history to repeat itself, which is why I try so hard.
We're drifting party because he's been drinking and I'm sober when we have time to talk, just the 2 of us. We have no outside help so no date nights. We've gone out 3 times in our own in 4 years.
I've told him I'm not asking him to quit, but to cut back. He's great with the kids but not a good partner to me anymore. I know the man I fell in love with is in there. I see glimpses. And he can handle a lot of beer before he turns. I often don't know how many he's already had until I see the recycling.
I'm worried about his health, how it will affect my health, the kids, that something bad will eventually happen. I can't drive atm due to my medication so that may frustrating. I have to rely on him and I worry about that.
I've contacted my therapist and will join some friends and family SMART meetings when I get back. I just don't know what else to do. I feel alone and isolated. Also made to feel a hypocrite due to my own past drinking when I did try and discuss it with some people close to me. I'd welcome any tips or advice.

Hi @Silverhope77 you are not alone. When I met my partner we had all the fun drinking together. Then I got pregnant and pretty much quit drinking to lose my baby weight, and that’s when I realised he had a serious problem. Fast forward four years of tears, threats, pleading with him to stop, him in and out of AA, he collected our four year old from nursery drunk. I found 13 empty bottles of vodka hidden in his car boot. That was the final straw and he’s been out the house 4 months now.
Like you I could see glimpses of the man I fell in love with and didn’t want to give up on the hope of a happy family. Unfortunately he just didn’t do what he needed to do to keep that together. I saw it as a personal failure for a while but with some counselling and time I see it as his problem. The risk to the children is what did it for me. Every obstacle to leaving you can overcome (even if it doesn’t feel like it) but I couldn’t have overcome the children coming to harm when with him drinking. Me and the children are so much happier now in just that short period.
When I first came on here for support and pretty much got told to leave I didn’t want to hear it. It sucks. We want the old partner and the family together. Out the other side though it’s better in my experience. Sending love and strength. Others will be along with better advice I’m sure, just wanted to know you’re not on your own in this situation.

Can’t get better advice than that. I would start by telling him how awful he is when drunk. Maybe record him and play it back. He’ll probably say you set him up/ provoked him but at least it stops the “I had no idea” defence.

@Silverhope77 I'm another one of those who stayed too long because I was tethered by hope and by the glimpses of the man I married. If there is one thing I regret about it all it's that I didn't leave two years earlier than I did. The damage done to me and my DC in that two years could have been avoided if I hadn't clung on to hope - and even then, I knew the risk was high that my hopes were built on sand.

You have done so much to overcome your own alcohol use and work on your mental health. Consider what your life could be without a man who 'turns' on you in it and start working towards that. It will probably take times, but it's like eating an elephant - you do it one bite at a time. Becoming less dependent on him should probably be your first goal.