Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

I think speeding up your exit plan is definitely the way to go. I don't suppose you have an office to go to at all? Then again that would mean leaving him with the dog, which is not fair on the dog. Basically, the sooner you get out, the better.

Agreed. I do have an office but my dog is 100% my priority. He's been with me through thick and thin so would never leave him vulnerable. I'm legally stuck for another 8/9 months (divorce) so need to suss out what the alternatives are.

@Needsomeadvice2234 I understand absolutely about the dog. If you are flexible to work remotely could you book an airb&b for a few days for some calm? Also are you in a position to explain to someone safe at work what is happening. They might have some options and may not be surprised by your situation. (Could you take the dog with you to the office and use a quiet meeting room??).

Yes do. It is very difficult to work when someone in the house is on a bender. Get ducks in order and leave. xxx

I would explain your situation right now to someone at your work, as the last thing you need just now is to lose your job. Ask if you can bring the dog to work temporarily and explain why. Also, if a friend or family member told you their spouse was going on benders and making it impossible to work you wouldn't be mad at them would you? So, don't be angry with yourself. You need to be extra kind to yourself right now as you are in a horrible position which is not of your making. Hope you can escape it all as soon as it is practical. Keep coming on here to vent.

Thanks for letting me vent - a safe space like this is priceless at the moment. I will be speaking to work tomorrow and will see how it goes. The bender has ended and he hasn't had a drink in over a day. He's sick but sober at the moment. I'm not even going to speculate how long it will last. The last 12 months have seen fewer outbursts and increasing periods of sobriety but I'm not getting caught up in that. He can chose himself to go sober once and for all.

You're very sensible to take an emotional step back and detach. Right now the only person you can protect and care for is you - do everything possible to make that happen. I really hope your work are understanding so that you have a place to escape to. I still remember Christmas 2017, when two of my very good friends invited me and the DC to stay with them overnight on Boxing Day. It was one night away from him, and it was priceless. If you don't live with an addict, it's hard to understand.

Hello everyone.

I hope everyone is doing as well as they can and finding help and support.

I haven't posted here for a while but I do check the thread for updates and I'm so grateful for the safe space that has been created here.

I am still in the process of divorcing my husband, I moved out last year. Alcohol was a major contributing factor (but not the only thing). Now that I've been away from him for a while I just feel so much more peaceful in myself. It's almost like I had an extra job and now that he's not my partner any more I have less noise in my head. No more counting bottles!

I do not miss the smell of alcohol on him but sadly the kids have started to notice the smell when they are with him. So it sounds like he is still drinking around them at night which makes me sad. But what did I expect!

Glad you have some peace now, @StosbyNillsAndCash and I know it must have been hard won. How old are your children? Are they safe in his care? I don’t want to worry you, but it’s hard to be around a drunk as an adult. If they are old enough to cope, and wanting to see him, that may be ok.
Anyway, don’t mean to patronise, I’m sure you’ve weighed up the options. My niece, who lives with us because of her parents alcoholism really shocked me aged 15. I explained that I’d had to block the parent because of abuse, and she said “ if you can’t cope with it, how come I’m expected to?” She’d been fiercely loyal until then-parentified, and I thought I was doing right in facilitating contact.

That's really sad 😔 mine are 8 and 12. The 12 year old is old enough to notice him drinking, but he's never noticeably drunk, just more tired and sometimes snappy.
My ex was insistent on 50:50 care and so far has stuck to this. I do have concerns around him drinking around the children and it sounds like he is. I don't think it would be bad enough for me to have a case against him, but I am wondering about raising it with the school as it could be a safeguarding issue?
I have tried to get wording around put drinking into our parenting agreement that we agreed in mediation, but he has pushed back on that. I think he'd be extremely angry if I raised it with anyone seriously, but I am considering it now that I have a safe space away from him.

To add, I don't think it's huge amounts that he's drinking, more like a bottle of wine or half, but it sounds like it's most nights and it's enough that he gives off a powerful smell.

@StosbyNillsAndCash it's a hard balance to walk, especially since one of yours is still under the age where they can speak up if they want no contact and expect that to be heard. All you can do is listen to them and remain vigilant. My main concern would be around him driving them around while over the limit.

I do worry about that @pointythings. It would be more him driving them the next morning after he's had alcohol the night before, but I don't think he's drinking such huge amounts that that would be the case.

I do worry about that @pointythings. It would be more him driving them the next morning after he's had alcohol the night before, but I don't think he's drinking such huge amounts that that would be the case.

I would definitely mention your concerns to the children's teachers and ask them to keep an eye on them. You will obviously be vigilant when they're in your care but on the days he is in charge that's not really possible and your children will benefit from other trusted adults being aware that there could potentially be issues.

It's the weekend and I'm struggling again. My situation doesn't seem as advanced as some of the ones in here so I have held off posting. But I need to let this out before I go slightly mad. I've copied my response below to another thread who was also dealing with a drunk DH.

This weekend has been so hard because I've been feeling at the end of the road dealing with this. I'm so irritated.

My oh of 20yrs drinks about 10-15 units most nights, has one night off a week, sometimes he tries for 2.

His whole manner changes slightly when he's drunk, he forgets conversations we've had, he doesn't eat dinner with us, repeats himself again and again,he's slightly agitated and edgy (he starts fussing over me weirdly, making me cup of tea after cup of tea, bring me me snacks, checking in on me constantly), making plans that will never materialise. I feel responsible for everything because he can't remember details and obviously can't drive anywhere in an evening.

He has no hobbies or interests .The snoring, the slurring. He's then tired and unmotivated the day after. It's normal in our circle and families so I feel like the outsider by not drinking. I feel detached and just make plans by myself and with friends. I'm alone a lot at the weekend.

I don't know how much more I can take, but I've one child doing A levels and don't want to disrupt him. I just wish he could just cut down, I'm so sad.

I'm sorry you and other posters are going through it too. It's sad and exasperating. I dread to think how his health is going to be down the line. I get scared of leaving in case he spirals (or could it be a wake up call to go sober)

@CoffeeandWalnuts your situation is honestly plenty serious. Don't minimise it - 10 - 15 units a night at least 5 times a week is health hazard territory, and the fact that your husband's behaviour changes so much is a huge red flag.

Look up the AUDIT questionnaire online, fill it in as if you were him and you will find that he is a high risk/very high risk drinker.

How does he respond when you raise the matter of his alcohol use with him? If he denies that there is an issue, you are on a hiding to nowhere.

I think that right now, waiting until after A-levels to kick the hornets' nest is the right thing to do, but afterwards you need to start seriously thinking about what you want your future to be. People who drink like him and don't accept they are dependent only ever get worse, and you don't want to live your life as his carer.

Stay on this thread, talk to us, we are here for you.

Hello @CoffeeandWalnuts , just wanted to say you are heard and you can rant here. It is so hard seeing someone you love change so much, and it is very hard to not engage with the crazy.

I found it was always easier to not have expectations, and then it wasn’t so bad when I was let down.
Try to build your own time and calm where you can, and look after yourself and your children.
(and if you are able to sleep in another room don’t feel bad about it, you are the responsible adult and need to be rested)
🌺

@pointythings@Userccjlnhibibljn8thank you for listening. I feel better for just getting it off my chest.

He agrees he has a problem, we talk about it a lot, he says he wants to cut down most weeks but he just can't do it. He's just not ready to take the extra step and ask for help. He's a creature of habit and don't think anything will change unless he gets a shock.

I think about the future a lot, I am lonely anyway so what's the difference being lonely without him to worry about (although I always will worry about him no matter what).

He needs to realise that he can't deal with his problems without professional help. If you want things to change one way or another, that is going to have to be the boundary you set. You can't play wait and see and wait for a shock because alcohol abuse is an unpredictable beast. My late husband had zero symptoms until he dropped dead of heart disease, and that isn't unusual for an alcoholic. You can't rely on his liver to shock him, because the human liver will keep going and going, returning normal test values, until one day it does not.

Are your children aware of his problem? Children of an alcoholic parent are at high risk of becoming alcoholics themselves, and an alcoholic cannot be a persent parent.

@pointythingsyes I would say the kids are aware sadly, one is an adult and one a bit younger. They're not daft. I worry that if I go, they won't come with me, because although we have a great relationship, they have a convenient set up at home and I won't be able to afford to rent anything of a decent size. I'll have to cross that bridge.

Starting a new job soon and once out of my probation, I could probably afford to buy him out and stay here, that's another ray of hope.

My DH didn't seem shocked until he was told his next drink would kill him. Didn't stop him taking that drink though. Wait for the A Levels to be over and then start making moves to separate. He is agreeing with you he has a problem but is doing nothing to fix it and that probably won't change. Maybe if you leave it will be the kick he needs but don't count on that happening. Put the focus on what you need to be happy.

I'm so angry. I went out for a meal with my Mum and her partner and she totally humiliated us both with drunken shouting and swearing. Trying to get away with not paying for a drink. Shouting at the taxi driver. Making such an absolute circus of herself in the restaurant that people were laughing at her. She's appalling, and after years of this I should know better because she's ruined enough Christmases and Boxing Days with this crap for me to just avoid it.

Her partner puts up with it all like it's no big deal and has become totally immune to her behaviour. As soon as she gets home from the pub and the door closes, she starts watching TV or whatever and an hour later she has sobered up and forgotten everything she said. I'm so fed up.

I am just parking here that I am so so so sad that my mum, successfully in AA herself for decades, would like me to apologise to my alcoholic sister for my alcoholic sister not turning up to Mother’s Day and the nice lunch I had arranged, and also for her (my sister) calling me still drunk from the night before and berating / me mother ‘why does she think Mother’s Day is all about HER’ etc etc.

I absolutely snapped back at the end of the drunken berating and this is completely unacceptable and indeed my very sensitive child has just come in in tears to reveal my mum told MY CHILDREN who are 11 and under and were unaware of the situation that I ‘should apologise to their aunty’.

I can’t even ask my mother if this is true as I am so so furious and we will then also row. But also sad.

If this is typical for your mum then you are fully entitled to set boundaries in terms of what you will and will not put up with from her. You tell her very calmly when she's sober that if she gets drunk and behaves like that in your presence, you will leave.

And then do it if it happens.

If she won't respect that, you may wish to review how much contact you have with her. You do not owe her your presence.